So today at work i saw somebody that i havent seen for a longtime since college when i was 17. When i was 17 i did not consider this person to be an enemy, nor did i consider them to be what i defined at the time as a "close friend". Specifically we did drama in the same class at secondary school, and he always said to me that he thought i could become a famous actor or film director oneday. at college our relationship as such diminished as i was at the time more concerned with hanging out with the "cool" kids. But we knew eachother from a distance so to speak, acknowledging eachother and having brief "how you doing" chats.
Anyway as soon as i saw him i immediately reacted with thoughts like "i dont want this person to see me while im at work" "i dont want to appear to this person as a failure" then i experienced an energetic movement within me, like a jolt of anxiety throughout my physical body, then as he approached my direction, i started physically acting out these thoughts and anxiety, by turning the other way, and keeping my head down reading a paper until the person had gone past.
Then when i looked up and the person had gone, i slowed myself down within and as breathe, and i started to consider that i have often acted this way around acquaintances that i havent seen in years, especially if they said to me i could be famous. But upon further investigation i see that i will only avoid people that i have known in the past when i am at work, but when i am not working, i will happily greet the person and attempt to open up discussion on equality and oneness with the person.
So i start considering, why am i acting this way around these people only when i am at work? how did i allow this self definition to formulate? what fears are behind it? how is this operating?
And so as i look into this point further, i can see that i am fearing what another person thinks about me, fearing them judging me as a failure in a poor job. i am still holding onto points of fear, points of knowledge of how this person used to view me at school as a possible "future star". A fear of this self formulated image the person had of me in the past being shattered, its like fearing letting that go, because of a desire to still want to be remembered by this person as a talented guy headed for fame.
Interesting exposure here, and i can see when i look back throughout my childhood, that everytime someone ever said to me they thought i would be famous or rich, i would react within an energy of happiness where i would experience excitement that maybe they might be right, maybe i will be rich.
Some other examples i can see in relation to this point, i remember being 9 years old playing football for my primary school, and before the game started i was chatting with one of the guys from the opposite team, and i said to him that i heard he was a good player, and he said to me that he heard i was pretty good aswel, we both agreed that oneday we could both become rich and famous from playing football. During the game though, me and my team did not play effective football, and the other team ended up beating us by a ridiculous score, something like 7 -1. The guy on the other team who i was speaking to before kick off turned out to be a great player scoring most of his teams 7 goals. After the game was played, i immediately reacted with fear, and attempted to avoid this person out of a fear that he would say to me "well marley you didnt play very well" "your not going to become a famous player and have lots of money" i didnt shake his hand or asy anything to him, i just played out the fear, and just went back to the team bus.
And when i was 21 i remember being at work, and spotting an acquaintance who i trained shoot fighting with for 2 years when i was 14. out of a class of 25 kids aged 11-15, i was the only one that was considered by the head trainer to be able to handle training with the adult class for over 18s. So after 6 months training with kids around my age, i was the first kid to do my training sessions with the adult group, and this kid was often saying to me stuff like "you could be a pro fighter one day marley" "you could make alot of money from fighting". And so when i saw this person from a distance while i was at work, i reacted then the same way i did today, the same thoughts, anxiety and fear came up, so i just turned away from the person making no eye contact whatsoever out of a fear of their image of me as "the guy that will get fame and money from fighting" being torn apart. And i can also remember when i saw this person again maybe 8 months ago, i wasnt working and i remember stopping and talking with the person for a moment.
This is all showing me that i am still accepting and allowing myself to hold onto impractical knowledge, defining myself as having to apparently act differently around old acquaintances when i see them at work, especially if they said i would be famous for something. Fearing what others think of me, fearing being judged as a failure by the person.
So as i stand here equal within and as this pattern, i am now self aware of my particpation and allowance for this point to continue. Thus i now have the power to do something about this program, to apply myself on the point repeatedly as and when it comes up, and to stick to breathe until the point no longer exists here in my world.
So i take self responsibility to commit myself to stopping this point here, to stand within and as self honesty in equality and oneness with self as breathe, as who i really am as life, as all that exists here.
Anyway as soon as i saw him i immediately reacted with thoughts like "i dont want this person to see me while im at work" "i dont want to appear to this person as a failure" then i experienced an energetic movement within me, like a jolt of anxiety throughout my physical body, then as he approached my direction, i started physically acting out these thoughts and anxiety, by turning the other way, and keeping my head down reading a paper until the person had gone past.
Then when i looked up and the person had gone, i slowed myself down within and as breathe, and i started to consider that i have often acted this way around acquaintances that i havent seen in years, especially if they said to me i could be famous. But upon further investigation i see that i will only avoid people that i have known in the past when i am at work, but when i am not working, i will happily greet the person and attempt to open up discussion on equality and oneness with the person.
So i start considering, why am i acting this way around these people only when i am at work? how did i allow this self definition to formulate? what fears are behind it? how is this operating?
And so as i look into this point further, i can see that i am fearing what another person thinks about me, fearing them judging me as a failure in a poor job. i am still holding onto points of fear, points of knowledge of how this person used to view me at school as a possible "future star". A fear of this self formulated image the person had of me in the past being shattered, its like fearing letting that go, because of a desire to still want to be remembered by this person as a talented guy headed for fame.
Interesting exposure here, and i can see when i look back throughout my childhood, that everytime someone ever said to me they thought i would be famous or rich, i would react within an energy of happiness where i would experience excitement that maybe they might be right, maybe i will be rich.
Some other examples i can see in relation to this point, i remember being 9 years old playing football for my primary school, and before the game started i was chatting with one of the guys from the opposite team, and i said to him that i heard he was a good player, and he said to me that he heard i was pretty good aswel, we both agreed that oneday we could both become rich and famous from playing football. During the game though, me and my team did not play effective football, and the other team ended up beating us by a ridiculous score, something like 7 -1. The guy on the other team who i was speaking to before kick off turned out to be a great player scoring most of his teams 7 goals. After the game was played, i immediately reacted with fear, and attempted to avoid this person out of a fear that he would say to me "well marley you didnt play very well" "your not going to become a famous player and have lots of money" i didnt shake his hand or asy anything to him, i just played out the fear, and just went back to the team bus.
And when i was 21 i remember being at work, and spotting an acquaintance who i trained shoot fighting with for 2 years when i was 14. out of a class of 25 kids aged 11-15, i was the only one that was considered by the head trainer to be able to handle training with the adult class for over 18s. So after 6 months training with kids around my age, i was the first kid to do my training sessions with the adult group, and this kid was often saying to me stuff like "you could be a pro fighter one day marley" "you could make alot of money from fighting". And so when i saw this person from a distance while i was at work, i reacted then the same way i did today, the same thoughts, anxiety and fear came up, so i just turned away from the person making no eye contact whatsoever out of a fear of their image of me as "the guy that will get fame and money from fighting" being torn apart. And i can also remember when i saw this person again maybe 8 months ago, i wasnt working and i remember stopping and talking with the person for a moment.
This is all showing me that i am still accepting and allowing myself to hold onto impractical knowledge, defining myself as having to apparently act differently around old acquaintances when i see them at work, especially if they said i would be famous for something. Fearing what others think of me, fearing being judged as a failure by the person.
So as i stand here equal within and as this pattern, i am now self aware of my particpation and allowance for this point to continue. Thus i now have the power to do something about this program, to apply myself on the point repeatedly as and when it comes up, and to stick to breathe until the point no longer exists here in my world.
So i take self responsibility to commit myself to stopping this point here, to stand within and as self honesty in equality and oneness with self as breathe, as who i really am as life, as all that exists here.
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