Day 254: Walking through Desteni's doorway

Who would I be if it were not for Desteni? Most likely a destroyer in this world. It is as simple as that, and a psychopathic intelligent one at that, this is where my life was rapidly heading towards before I came across the group, a walking instability - yet it has been through the psychological alignment tools of the Desteni group that I learnt how to harness myself, how to expel the destructive elements of my personality, to find the root of each pattern that I become and becomes me, then navigate myself back here as the stability of breathing - the power to literally re-wire myself.

This is leadership training like no other, where you will be supported to support yourself to become the best version of yourself in equality, no relying on single leaders or unsubstantiated pointless beliefs, only the mathematics of what is best for all life, the strength of the group, each cell equal in importance and responsibility to the outcome, with no hierarchies - my fate would have long ago been death or imprisonment, were it not for what I have learnt through everyone involved in the Desteni group.

It's amazing when I slow my mind down and look at how many moments in the course of every day show me the various ways in which my nature has changed, and that which still requires my correction for the rest of my lifetime.

Let me list a few points to you so you better understand the context here -

* Vocabulary, the bricks of learning and communication - while I understood a lot of complex words growing up from my grandfather, it wasn't until I started walking with Desteni that I realised I had a lot of holes in my understanding of many words, and from this learned the real power of aligning my vocabulary - the satisfaction that started to develop through this process, got to the point I am today where I enjoy to learn new words.

* Because I am so much more aware of the abuse I have allowed within me, it allows me to be able to easily spot abuse and self-abuse in others - its like a physical feedback reading from being able to read my own physical feedback for so long.

* Seeing, realising and understanding that Memory is not life, and what has not been working in the past to the benefit of all life, will not work moving forward. I have realised that I am a pre-programmed organic robot through the Desteni group and that I must and I can clean up my thoughts, create new intent, new learning, new passions, new better memories here that uplift myself and all around me.

* I consider every outcome of every action I make within myself and within interacting with others, and any moments where I miss, or do not consider what is best for all I get annoyed with myself, and will look to find a way to change the outcome next time almost automatically.

* When I am lost within my emotions I always navigate a way out and bring myself back here through self-honest self-introspection, self-forgiveness and the self corrective application of breathing, this was a foreign concept to me before I came across desteni - the old me would always look to destroy something when I was lost in emotions. 

* Development as a gentleman in relation to women - like many young boys as a teenager and young adult before I came across the desteni group, apart from my mother I really didn't have much respect for women in any way, and generally just saw women as tools for my sexual pleasure as opposed to seeing them as life. My grandfather who was like my father growing up, sometimes would be derogatory towards women especially when talking about his ex wife, my grandmother which I of course adopted as a young boy because I venerated my grandfather.

But through Desteni the questions I was forced to ask myself about porn addiction for instance, the sexualisation, objectification and general inequality that has happened towards women in society and my role in that was profound. It should come as no surprise then that before I came a cross Desteni I had less then a handful of female "friends" but nowadays I have hundreds of real female friends all around the world and my relationship with my mother is better then ever. 

* Determination to leave a legacy of worth, not leave a life of meaninglessness. That way there is a record when I am dead, my records will live on in this world - this is something I see in all Destonians, it is an innate ability, a painfully developed self-will, to not procrastinate the point of sharing only the most important messages of what is here on planet Earth consistently, because of always knowing that time is always against humanity.

* That we are directly connected to everything that is here, that this money system is actually connected to our intent, our allowance - this was the first time It was brought to my attention in my life that the actual structure of the money system is identical to how our pre-programmed minds are structured and vice versa. The whole principle that we have to actually embody a new money system, we have to change the ego based capitalistic money system and live a new money system into life that is best for all life through our own individual and unified examples and actions.

* That everything is in reverse, that walking backwards to see the real points is often the most effective, I cannot list how many times I have seen that the opposite of what we have been taught growing up is the actual truth of something.

* I document and organise my life so much more effectively, the large majority of my life is documented to some degree and this allows me to plan more effectively into the next day knowing what must done, noting it down and committing myself to sticking to getting that written word lived.

* Understanding the importance of taking care of animals and nature to the best of my ability in every moment, my grandfather and my mother assisted with this a lot also, yet it was not till I came across Desteni that I saw the true depth of this importance. Then through the years of repetitions you could say, it is automatic for me now, wherever I am physically in this world I assist animals and plants in the way that I would like to be treated by a human, which is with unconditional care. Which is fascinating at times nowadays, because its almost like a horde of random animals follow me and trust me wherever I go, knowing that I will provide for them to the best of my ability - It is profound but animals know when a human can be trusted, and a relationship develops once this trust has been established.

This list really could go on, it is not an exhaustive list and really I could and may write a very large book if I wanted to on this exact subject - this blog has been written to show what has improved in my life as a result of the leadership training of the Desteni group.

I have had improvements in my life as a result of standing with many groups at this point, that have developed many different skills within me and I am thankful.

I give thanks to everyone that is a part of the Desteni group, the best of humanity, a huge part of the small portion of humanity that makes mother earth smile - I implore anyone reading this to support Desteni, if you are having some kind of serious psychological issues regarding anything in your life, you will be assisted far more then any pill or any psychiatrists words.

Don't listen to stupid shit online, to the fear and hate that some stigmatise the group with, trying to discredit the group, because the worst of the elite pay many shills and anonymous fools to attack the group - so research desteni, support desteni, interact, apply the tools and see the organic strength that begins to develop within you and within your life.

Join me next time as I continue my journey to life here.

Day 253: Regrets of the fighter that never was Part 2

So continuing from my previous blog, I cannot allow these fighter regret thought patterns to keep me in separation of myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed thought patterns where I question myself about why I have not pursued a professional fighting career.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to interact with and charge these thoughts as the emotion of regret, where I second guess every profession I do which is not fighting, as a consequential result keeping me in separation from physical reality.

I forgive myself for consistently getting annoyed at myself for not utilising my athletic talents in my youth to pursues a professional fighting career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my body as it gets older and slower, compounding this experience of regret.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that as my physical body gets older and older, and because I have not yet dealt with these issues yet, I find that these thought patterns pulsate more and are more consistently, so I must take self-responsibility to not react to my body getting older, so stick to breathe and unravel this fighter regret thought pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself, and to fear doing professional fighting myself, even though since around the age of 12 years old when I started training, I have had trainers and training partners tell me I am skilled enough for a pro career.

I forgive myself that I have held onto fears about what damage I can do to an opponent physically, and what damage they could potentially do to me also.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to win fights and fear to lose them, without realising that this desire and fear is what feeds this system of capitalism as the ego globally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be integrated into and as a being of competition, as a capitalistic energy machine, where there is no self-expressive movement that is best for all, but only the  pre-programmed vicious and self-interested pursuit to be the winner and destroy all opposition.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hold onto memories of watching endless hours of fighting in cartoons, films and games growing up - I realise now that this is where the seed of polarity as the light and the dark friction in relation to fighting developed, manifested as a characterisation of the " the sith vs the jedi" where I am in separation of myself, internally battling in thoughts what path of combat my life should take.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create two personalities as this "sith vs jedi" polarity friction in my mind, where when I am angry about something I can seem like a Sith in many scenarios looking to start conflict with another, yet when I am in a seemingly "stable/happy" place in my life, I become the Jedi only engaging in combat when life is being attacked in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to dominate and destroy people with my fighting skills as this dark lord, I have realised in my life that this desire only causes pain to me and others in a variety of ways, therefore this sithlord in my mind must be beheaded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to defend life with my fighting skills, as this poet warrior jedi character I have realised that this desire is counter intuitive, because taking care of life is no energetic game based on how I feel, based on any type of friction, it is a physical commitment here that I walk as, where my starting point is clear and self-honest.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for  not pursuing a professional fighting career.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define myself as a "failed fighter" as this regret.

I forgive myself for believing in my youth that me competing professionally would be dangerous for me and my opponents psychologically and psychically, because all my training was based on my annoyance with my life, annoyance at the world and a desire to dominate people.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be gentle with myself, always fighting with myself, because in reality while I had the all the skills as a youngster, psychologically I was not ready, there was too much aggression and emotion in me in my younger years, so it is very likely that I would have become a destructive type of fighter and influence in this world, because just in my day to day life in younger years hurting people was a common thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that this regret I experience does not factor this in, does not support me in anyway, and misses the point that my contribution to martial arts in this world does not have to be in the ring.

I forgive myself that I have not realised until recently that, teaching the world about the importance of martial arts, giving youth the psychological direction in martial arts that I missed growing up, to share my knowledge of various martial arts, to possibly even be a trainer for a future champion is something which is now a passion of mine that is a worthwhile one in this world.

I commit myself to not allowing these thoughts of regret to affect my life, to influence my decision making, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts questioning why I'm not fighting, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to interact with these thoughts, as in self-honesty there is no benefit to mine or anyone else's life to allowing these thoughts to cycle round - so I breathe and continue to breathe until these thoughts do not come up anymore.

I commit myself to living the realisation that  while martial arts is great for discipline, honour, respect and the ability to defend oneself, yet as my life has shown, without the correct psychological support martial arts can also be dangerous in feeding into a persons aggression.

I commit myself to providing psychological support to martial artists in this world, because with great power comes great responsibility, so a stable mind in tandem with martial arts training forges powerful humans in this world, full of self-will, confidence and fearlessness to speak up for what matters.   
  

Day 252: Regrets of the fighter that never was

Fighting, for so long since my childhood as I grew into and as this mind consciousness system what I have known is fighting. Fighting within the family, fighting others, fighting myself, fighting society, creating situations and consequences of conflict.

This is what we are geared to understand growing up - how to fight. It is the basis of what capitalism is, because this is a pyramid designed energy based system, where the strongest survive, and any friction between two points creates the largest amounts of energy to maintain this system as ourselves.

I played a lot of computer games that were all about fighting, and my favourite cartoons and films all had fighting going on within them.

I have had training partners since a young age tell me I should have been a professional fighter and while I have had many fights in the gym and in my life in general, I have always had a resistance to being a professional fighter, self-doubts, and fears - What if I'm not good enough to be the best?  And what long term damage could I do to someone? It's like being scared of what I could do to someone in a fight, how one confrontation with me could change their future so much, and vice versa when I eventually meet an opponent that will best me in the fight in every way.

I have never had an issue with standing up and defending myself when conflict is brought to me or my family or friends. But when you do engage in unarmed combat, there is always the potential for someone to be severely hurt or worse.

Martial arts is about honour and respect, but fighting no matter how you good you are at it, is the part you don't want to have to resort to - "I don't like fighting", that is what all the best professional fighters say, the ones that are caring people because they are more in touch the the martial arts then the fighting part - because it is the fighting part where you or your opponent could be very badly hurt, which can scar peoples lives for the duration of their time in this life.

With regards to combat you can say that the stable martial artists who lives whats best for all are like Jedi in Star Wars with regards to only ever acting in defence of something pure.

Where as Sith are like the ego of the fighter, the being that has no morals and will look to use their skills to dominate others, to create fights in every moment possible - it is the polarity of these two points, these two characters that go back and forth in all martial artists minds - do I feed into this darkness, this desire for dominance and combat? Or should I stick to the defence of that which is of worth fighting for in this world?

Many martial artists and fighters when they see how effective they are at utilising the techniques in real life situations will often immediately look to start a pro career. I fall into the other category, those of us who felt we have caused enough physical pain to people in real life fight situations, those of us who do not want to hurt anyone unless we are forced to do so, getting paid to feed into the fighting elements of martial arts such as with MMA for instance are thoughts I purposely suppressed in younger years.

Martial arts is about living a life of improvement, a life of alignment, a life of humility and service to life - the fighting part like in the world of MMA is about feeding into your self-interest, your Sith like prize fighter ego.

So I have learnt a lot about MMA in my life, because within training with professional fighters consistently at various points I have seen all the dangers that can occur in the world of professional fighting.

Amazing that as my body gets older, slower, not as effective as it was, my mind has been having these thoughts recently pretty consistently about competing professionally - I reacted to a training partners words recently but in a different way to how I did as a kid, as a kid I would try to always disagree with adults who said I should be a professional fighter and suppress thoughts about doing it.

I felt that my criminal activities in younger years would get worse if I was fighting people professionally as well, it was a fear that I would lose control in that Sith mindset and I was scared of how many people I could hurt.

But in my older years now I am a more stable being, so its like my ego wants to hold onto being a professional fighter, as a result of suppressing the thoughts and not releasing them effectively for years. Being a  professional fighter is not suggested for anybody to start doing at the age of 30, and the way the sport of MMA is structured currently means you have to be fighting professionally for at least 2/3 years to be able to make enough money to do it as a full time profession.

I know fighters right now, some who are my friends, we sometimes train together, yet some will be struggling to pay the bills and I often will be making more money then many of them, from the self-employed/freelance and company work I have done in my life.

So how will these consistent thoughts to fight assist me? They will not, I have to accept it, my ego must accept that I missed the best years of my athleticism to become a professional fighter, my contribution to martial arts and this world is and can be done in many other ways.

Join me next time as I continue to discuss these regrets and walk the necessary corrections in my journey to life.
 

      

Day 251: Self-isolation and the endless conspiracy of thought

Isolating myself, something I am so familiar with, it is like a "safe place" in my mind where I am in control of everything, where I am alone with only the solitude of my thoughts, why do these thoughts endlessly come up?

Its amazing that when i push and do not angage with these self-isolating thoughts that I am very effective working with others in group situations. When I am here stable as breathe, I am aware of what's going on around me and I stand as a conduit for common sense and beneficial change.

But why is it so easy to just exist as these pre-programmed thought patterns and nothing else? Why do I feel incapable of being honest with myself so often? I see that within this self-isolation is the thoughts in my head which are the endless conspiracy of my life.

People know my name in connection with conspiracies, and what are conspiracies without self-responsibility? Nothing but endless knowledge and information spewing out in an eternal cycle. Sure a lot of the conspiracies I talk about do happen, It is not a joke and its amazing how that one point of it not being a joke has had such a profound effect on me.

When I am on my own, my sadness becomes me, and I have for a long time been in love with the self-imprisonment of isolating myself with in and as this sadness, defining myself according to it within groups you could say, a sad story where death never seems to be far away.

A breath away and we die, that's it - you are born alone and you die alone. Amazing how I have allowed that one truth to cause havoc in my mind, to so often just go through the motions awaiting the next death to mourn.

Its like when i trap myself within and as these thoughts, I cannot sleep at normal times,every night sleeping before 3am is a serious difficulty.

Its almost like I am unable to wear any clothing colour then black, my car is black, the bird that visits me the most often is black, my dog is black, it serves as reminder to me that death is an endless reality everyday for so many and our final day is always certain, often unknown, but always certain to occur, I don't give a fuck who you are and what you claim your special ability is - You will die.

This causes an apathetic outlook within me when I see that people don't realise that death is all around us, it permeates everyone's lives, why do so many people still not give a fuck about the fact that we live in a world where the most innocent seem to die most often?

I see as this self-isolation, how its so easy to just get high, drink beer, listen to "deep music" and look into all the endless conspiracies that get sent my way, some true and some not. Its amazing how the intelligence agencies around the world majority of the time they don't know themselves what is real and what is not, because of how much disinformation is mixed in with real information from department to department in one agency! Like a compartmentalised fragmented mind, trying to hide things from one another, a mind that doesn't know what one part knows from another - cells in friction.

I  have realised that I am fucked and to fix myself is always the most difficult thing to do - its so easy to direct someone else to improve - I can do that in my martial arts gym, I can do that online with some "profound statement", I can do that at work, with friends and family - but always directing myself here in self-honesty is the hardest thing.

To really be honest with myself about what I'm actually allowing myself to live as, is this really worth this time? Or is this really just all a waste of time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Isolate myself within the familiar comforts of my own thoughts, the patterns that have followed me, as me for so long in many cases. I realise that for everyday I hold onto these thought patterns is another day I have to walk to extend my process unnecessarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define isolation of myself as my "safe place" which I realise is just my ego trying to hide my power from myself, so that I stick to the familiar pattern of fearing interaction within the group.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe, that the reason why this self-isolation seems so comfortable, is because it requires no direction of myself, no effort, it just runs on auto pilot because I'm brainwashed to do that by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consistent interaction in group settings, where my interaction is limited to spurts of dialogue with people, in between the weeks, months, years of inactivity as this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being recorded, to fear being photographed, to fear being watched by other people.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment of breathe that when I keep myself here stable as this breathe, I apply common sense and I see how effective I am at directing myself and others around me to whats best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how effective I am when I consistently stable as breathe here, which is then where as the ego I will look for an excuse to get lost in my thoughts, usually accompanied by weed or alcohol or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have more then a few months off weed or alcohol for years, using them as crutches for my fears and doorways to the conspiracy of my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and alcohol as consistent doorways for the conspiracy of my thoughts to continue in the solitude of my own space.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself as a "conspiracy guy" which again is where I justify isolating myself because of fearing when I meet someone new - do they know the shit I talk about online? When they find out that will fuck off, so best not to interact with them too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people finding out about some of the things i talk about, some of the things me and my family have been through and to then be scared to be around me, so I justify limiting my interaction with majority of people from day one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define real conspiracies as such a "serious matter" and when I see so many people not taking them seriously, then again it is a justification to feed into this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to justify isolating myself to avoid "complications" with people, yet I have realised that I cannot control what others think of me, or anything in this world, so these fears make no sense, locking myself in a room, limiting my interaction to work related matters, or looking after my mum, my dogs, random birds, sticking up for poor people, occasionally one or two friends - but rarely more then that, I mean shit, for someone who writes so much I hardly say more then two words in a day outside of work talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy sadness for so long, to perceive many events in my life to be a sad story, to define myself as sadness or the darkness which is behind this sadness. which of course feeds into this pattern of the isolation of myself - because we all know that it is when we are on our own is when the deepest of our sadness comes forth, where there is no hiding from what we have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that while it is very cool to be comfortable with being on my own because it it allows one an opportunity to look directly at our self with no hiding, it is not cool to be uncomfortable with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and desire death equally when I am existing as this self-isolation cycle - always such a fucking poet warrior samurai ready for his death day at any moment. Yet how much time have I actually wasted thinking about death? Way too fucking much, I mean while we all have considerations about death from time to time, there should not be a pattern of almost meditating on death, because this is only detrimental to me and everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed the truth that we are born alone and die alone as a justification to isolate myself from other people.

I forgive myself that as this self-isolation, I am always waiting for the next death to mourn, which considering how many people die everyday keeps me in a constant state of mourning, where I'm always one thought, one sad song away from crying silently to myself.

What am I doing while mourning these people? I am not moving, I am isolating myself away from reality here, wanting to join the greatest of us that always seem to die before everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly confused and depressed about the fact that I have been in many dangerous situations in in my life and I am still alive - how am I still alive? That's what my backchat is always saying in my self-isolation - It is not fair that someone like me can be alive while a child, an animal or a plant can die of starvation or some random abuse at 1 years old  or less for the most pointless and painfully short life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally find discomfort in wearing clothes that are not black.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to have my sunglasses on, because it helps me to isolate myself from others - nobody can see my eyes, nobody can connect with my eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently have a "naked experience" like I feel naked when I don't have black clothes on or sunglasses - when in reality when I just stick to breathing I see that this naked experience is not real at all just separation that I don't need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the reality of working on my own on certain projects as again a reason why spending the most time just with myself is "always better" - yet in reality even when I working on my own, it is always in the moments where I work with another that the project gets completed more effectively - amazing how the ego always thinks it does better on its own then with other people, when that couldn't be further from the truth. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my life as a sad story, when in reality no matter how fucked up ones life is, or has been, in reality things are never as bad as my mind will try to tell me, I have my basics, and many luxuries also - the realisation that so many in this world do not have what I have is always a reality here showing me that my mind is fucking with me and I should not participate with the pre-programmed elements of my mind like this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong my own journey to life here, through continually interacting with my own thoughts in my own space, where the endless conspiracy of my thought patterns become me so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what these thoughts really are, why are they really occurring, why does it feel so enjoyable to be by myself and limit my interactions with people?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fucked beyond repair, that I will breakdown and die as the dysfunctional machine that I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am not as fucked beyond repair as I think, because the fact that it is a thought tells me that it is bullshit, because in reality as long as one has money in this world along with dedication then one always has the potential to change for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus more on "helping others" to change for the better, yet in reality - how can I actually show effective direction to a person in anything, if I am not accustomed to and experienced in directing anything in my own life? Not possible.

I commit myself to not allowing this self-isolation and everything that goes with it to continue to dominate my life - I am under no illusions this will be difficult to change, but only I can change this and because I have the tools and the comfort of money, I have no excuses to not get this done - so as and when I see my mind slipping into excuses to not interact with others, I stop and breathe, where I check myself and can use common sense about moments where I must push to interact. I continue to focus on this breathe not participating with these endless thoughts until they do not come up anymore.

I commit myself to finding a way no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I will not allow this shit to limit and destroy my life anymore then it already has. I commit myself to living the realisation that I am only ever as isolated as I am allowing myself to be in any situation, it is never anybody else's fault why I am not interacting, and when I push myself, I am always effective at working in groups, so I must become accustomed to doing this consistently instead of these limited spurts I have been allowing.

I commit myself to living the realisation that If I am existing as a limited machine currently, then I am not really living life, meaning these patterns will have to die in order for me to be able to live life to the fullest of my potential here - hence my journey to life, not a journey I'm chasing over there somewhere, because I have been chasing, existing over there, and everywhere but consistently here.