Day 112: Why have i not been writing? Part 4 SCS

Continuing from my last three blogs -

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delay dealing with the points as to why i have not been writing consistently, i realise that within procrastinating on dealing with any pre-program, there is no movement and instead i become further entrenched within and as the mind where it becomes more and more difficult to change. I do not accept this to continue in my life.

I commit myself to seeing my computer exactly as it is - my computer, i realise that anything else is only happening in my mind and so is not real. As and when i notice thoughts come up that I'm being "imprisoned" by my computer, i stop and breathe, i do not engage any of these thoughts and i continue breathing any time any mind movement comes up, until there is no more reaction that comes up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that unless i am physically being imprisoned by something or someone, then any type of believed imprisonment is nothing more then a figment of my mind as a self-imposed imprisonment and so is not valid as reality.

I commit myself to living the realisation that doing a lot of work on a computer does not mean i am being "imprisoned" by my computer, it simply means i am required to complete tasks on the computer whether it is in my work or social life. I notice that within effective scheduling of my time, it is possible to get everything completed in a practical pace and time-frame, and within remaining stable as breathe, and moving myself within common sense, i realise that this allows me to be free as the same person, as life whether i am working on a computer or not.

I commit myself to stopping the belief that i must "escape the computer" at the end of each day as i realise this is something which has come from my allowance to define the computer with a prison in my mind, when i really am only imprisoning myself. i realise this "escape from prison" concept is completely self-limiting and does not assist me in living what's best for all.

When and as i see myself attempting to avoid or get away from the computer at the end of the day, i stop, i see what is happening in my mind in the moment, i bring myself here through breathe and do not allow myself to exist as this "escape from prison" concept.

I commit myself to respecting my computer equal as myself - i commit myself to not allowing myself to blame the computer for anything i am experiencing within myself, as i realise that the computer is an incredibly useful tool, that essentially pays my bills, allows me to live a life of dignity, but is not in anyway responsible for my internal experience, that is completely my own responsibility.

When and as i see thoughts come up defining my computer within work, i do not allow myself to go into and as those thoughts, i breathe, i stay here - I commit myself to living the realisation that work is not in fact defined with computers, this is only an illusion i have created in my mind through reacting to how many hours i sit at a computer each day. When i notice that i am clock watching through the day too often, i check myself to see if it is a practical physical time clock check, and not a mind based reaction time clock check.

I commit myself to living the realisation that it is only through taking Self-Responsibility and physical labour that this world is changed to the benefit of all, whether that is physically draining labour work, or through typing at a computer, it is only through my hands that i can change what is here to work for everyone.

When and as i see excuses coming up in my mind to try and avoid doing what i need to get done, i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to engage any self-created excuses - within Self-Honesty i check if the excuse is valid or not, is real or not. If it is not real then i continue breathing here every time and do what i need to do on the computer. If i notice the reason is valid as to why i cannot go and work on the computer when i need to, then i will return to complete my computer work when it is practical to do so.

I commit myself to not allowing Bernard's or Peter's or anyone else's death to be reasons as to why i do not write. I realise that my reaction to these two immensely influential people in my life dying, is a huge reason as to why i have not been writing consistently for the past few years. I realise that everybody is going to die in this world, no exceptions, so i realise that within fully accepting this point, accepting everyone's equality to death, then there is never any death that can effect or change who i really am as life.

When and as i see my mind wandering into any thoughts about  Bernard or Peter, or anyone's death that is based in hopelessness, i stop, i see what is happening in the moment, i do not get involved, i know where getting involved with these kinds of thoughts will lead - into creating cycles of depression, anger and procrastination, which does not benefit me or anyone else. So i simply breathe, because within breathing there is no thought, there is no separation that exists from physical reality, i can get done what i must get done without any hindrance, so i move within breathe continually until these thoughts do not come up any more.

I commit myself to standing and walking no matter what, to take Self-Responsibility for everything that is here, then changing what is here to only keep that which is good, doing my utmost to create a better world. I will not allow myself to fade away into a nothingness ghostly experience of myself where nothing is done apart from abusing myself.

When and as i see my mind conjuring thoughts based in fear and beliefs that a "conspiracy" is happening to me, i stop and breathe, i realise that these fear and belief based thoughts do not help me in anyway to be a better person on this planet, but rather just keep me in total separation from this planet. I also realise within this, that even if something was "happening to me", why in anyway would that make a difference to who i really am as life, and what i am doing with my time on this planet. So i breathe and continue breathing consistently until i have no thoughts/concerns about "who is going to die next", because all i am concerned with is living what is best into reality.

  



  

Day 111: Why have i not been writing? Part 3 SF

Continuing from my last two blogs, its time to let theses points go -

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being imprisoned by computers. I realise that this imprisoning experience is only existing in my mind in reaction to working on computers a lot.

I forgive myself that i have not realised in all moments that while i do a lot of work on computers, that does not mean i am being imprisoned by computers, and it does not mean that i cannot still create time to write at some point in my week.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that at the end of each day i need to try and escape the computer, as a form of "escaping the prison" in my mind. I realise that this belief is in complete separation from physical reality, and i realise that there is no escaping what is here in my world and my reality. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame the computer for this "escape from the prison" experience, when in fact this experience has all been created in my mind through my allowance, so i realise that there is nothing else that is responsible for my own delusion other then myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define computers within work as something i don't want to do. I realise that this definition is only a self-limitation which keeps me in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by any excuse at the weekend to not do more writing on the computer. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define writing about process points within work as something i don't want to do.

I forgive myself for not realising in every here moment of breath that physical labour, work of various types is required to make things move to the benefit of everyone in this world. I realise that within avoiding work i have literally been saying within myself "avoid trying to change the world for the better" which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to exist for a long time as sadness after Bernard and Peter died.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed this sadness as myself, then used this sadness as a justification to not write.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe after Bernard and Peter died that everyone that i am close to is fading away from my life. and within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-belief and self-definition that as these people fade away that i am fading away within myself. I realise that within these self-limitations that i was simply stagnating, wallowing in hopelessness and separating myself from life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist as hopelessness within this "fading away" experience of myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify not participating in anything to my fullest capacity through accepting this "fading away" experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and compound emotions of depression and frustration in relation to Bernard and Peter dying.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire being a "ghost" that does nothing and just watches others while wallowing in self-pity.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no point in trying to live what's best for all when everyone i care about will disappear from my life. And within this i forgive myself for believing it is easier to fade away and be a ghost then to push myself to live what's best for all. I realise that everybody dies eventually, and therefore there is no need to allow myself to feed into my mind for prolonged periods of time when people close to me die.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within Bernard and Peter dying in a short space of time, that there was an apparent "conspiracy" happening "to me" where i was fearing that my mother and my son would "inevitably" die next and soon. Within this i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mother and son would die soon after Bernard and Peter. I realise that this fear was feeding into this fading away experience i have been existing as, and within the realisation that everybody will die at somepoint there is no need to fear death because it is simply an inevitability for all of us, not just some of us :)

Join me next weekend for more Self-Forgiveness on these points as well as Self-Commitment statements.

Day 110: Why have i not been writing? Part 2 - "Its easier to just fade away."

So continuing from my last blog, i'm looking at another point as to why i have not been writing consistently in my process for the past few years. This point has existed within me for some time now, but it became more prominent within me in 2013 which in terms of how i experienced myself it was definitely an unlucky 13 lol. 2013 for me was the year that two of the most influential people in my life passed away, which had an emotionally intense effect on me.

When Bernard died in August of that year, i was incredibly sad like a lot of people were, and then i  allowed that sadness to stay with me, as me. I started to experience myself as heavy everyday, not wanting to fully participate in anything, my expression muted a lot, feeling depressed and frustrated in my mind, as a million thoughts come up - "how can the best of us be gone?", "what happened to him?", "someone has done this to him i know it", "there's still so much i want to talk with you about" etc.

Then while all these thoughts where spiralling around all day everyday, my grandfather Peter was becoming very ill, and also some things about his past work that effected the family negatively were coming out, all of which was compounding my depressed and frustrated experience at this time.

When Peter died in October, it was totally different to Bernard, my experience was both happy and sad, because i had some very mixed feelings about Peter at the point of his death, plus he was in a lot of pain, so it was best, but the event overall i just allowed to compound all the negative shit within me at this point. So after Peter died the idea that "its easier to fade away" was something i was just fully accepting.

So after this all the negative thoughts about Bernard were added to with negative thoughts about Peter, and i was getting more confused about life, believing that something was happening "to me" where - everyone that is close to me is disappearing from my life, so its easier to just accept that now and just do nothing, be a ghost that nobody sees instead. So i have literally been believing that everyone will fade away from my life, and then accepting that fading away belief as myself, creating it as an actual experience of myself where i allow myself to base everything in hopelessness.

Then i started to have fears that my mother would die soon after Bernard and Peter, and then maybe something will happen to my son too. I was struggling to sleep due to the amount of shit i was thinking about, and even when i was tired i didn't want to sleep as i was sometimes having strange nightmares. And overall in my life i have just been so used to thinking about death and disappearing within myself, trying to disappear within everything i do, to not be seen, to not move and just be silent as everything apparently "disappears from my life". Its time to stop this.

In the past few months of my life i have been realising all of these points as to why i haven't been writing, why i have been living in hopelessness, and i have been taking action to change. So there is lots to apply self-forgiveness on here, within this and my last blog so join me next weekend for that.

 

   

Day 109: Why have i not been writing? Part 1 - "The Computer Prison"

Ive noticed that while there have been multiple reasons why i have not been blogging consistently in the past few years in my life, one contributing factor ive noticed is a resistance that comes up when i do a job that i dont really want to be doing like i am now, which involves sitting at computers all day, typing a lot, and a lot of usage of words on the phone throughout the day.

Once i stopped writing consistently i've found it harder and harder to start writing again, experiencing myself as being imprisoned by computers in some way. So as soon as i finish this job everyday, i come home then do more work on computers involving typing till very late, often past 1am. Then automatically in my mind once i finish work completely for the day at around this time, its like i want nothing more to do with computers or typing of any kind, like i want to "escape" the computer.

So within my mind i have literally created a separation, where i have started defining computers and typing in my mind within work, as something i don't want to do and something that is apparently imprisoning me. Now this is interesting because writing about ones own experiences and patterns is difficult enough as it is without this kind of added shit in my mind making it more difficult. Because the mind automatically tries to manipulate us into avoiding getting to the root of things we allow, because self-investigation and self-recreation takes physical effort and does not have the entertaining energy that the mind craves in order to survive. 

Now obviously with such a rigorous schedule of computer based work in the weekdays, it is understandable that i don't write blogs during the week. But even at the weekends when i know i have more time to write for a moment, but i will allow myself to be directed by any excuse to get away from "work" which for the past few years or so i have been defining within "sitting at a computer typing alot".

However i have noticed this pattern building up for a while, and so ive been looking at where i can practically create time by cutting away mind justifications to avoid typing. Ive found stability within working on a mind construct bit by bit, where ive been committing myself to working on a mind construct for just 15-30 minutes every saturday for the past few months. I have developed consistency within this point of typing just a little every weekend now, and within this i can see how i will be able to create more time in the future, so i can start building further consistency in blogging again as well.

So im not going to allow this point to continue, so join me next weekend :)