Day 284: You saw me in you're dreams? Part 2

A clear starting point is needed in relation to anything we interact with in life - so within this blog I am building stability in relation to dreams so walk with me -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when someone says they saw me in their dreams - I realise that this is a pattern in my life like any other pre-programming which does not support me in living whats for all life.

I forgive myself that  have accepted and allowed myself to in these moments fear that what the person is telling me about in their dreams could happen in my life in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future within someone telling me a dream experience they had with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when someone says they saw me in their dream, that maybe their dream is like providing some foresight of the future which scares me in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when someone tells me they saw me in their dream, that maybe it actually did happen through some type of consciousness transfer, second body scientific trickery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that their is always a conspiracy of some kind going on with me in relation to dreams.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear that someone is using technology to mess with my dreams, but I realise that despite the reality of technology that works in tandem with a sleeping being, affecting dream content/patterns, remembering/not remembering etc - this fear does not support me and only causes me to avoid sleeping till very late every night and fear sleeping longer then 6 hours both of which are not acceptable that will only have the consequence of affecting my awareness and health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as someone who doesn't really ever have dreams and thus I'm weird - realise that many people do not have dreams often, there is no need to create some additional value more or less of myself in relation to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as "someone who appears in some peoples dreams" thus I'm unique as if I have some kind of importance, which is nothing but my ego projecting onto reality in complete separation from myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as my ego creating an idea of myself which only limits me in self-interest which is not best for all life and thus not acceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be overly sceptical of people who tell me they see me in their dreams, where I start getting paranoid abut how they view me truly in each layer of their mind, fearing that the way they see me is different to how they act towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for fearing that they place too much value in me as a person positively or negatively when they are having vivid dreams about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to exist in dishonesty and self-dishonesty in these moments, because I will pretend to others and myself that I am not bothered by their story about me in their dreams - when in reality my mind is reacting a lot thinking about what they told me for the next few days or longer intermittently

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe that no matter what a person dreams about in relation to me, no matter how real or unreal it was for them, I cannot change how another person reacts to me and defines me in their mind, thus there is no reason why I should allow them to move me when they speak about me in their dreams.

I forgive myself that I have not been clear in every moment that if I am stable as breathe in relation to dreams, then when someone tells me a story about seeing in their dreams I am breathing here where I can apply common sense and assist the person to look at what ideas they have about me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that being clear, stable as breathe with no reaction when someone tells me a dream story involving me will assist me to be clear about anyone I see in my own rare dreams that I remember.

I forgive myself for seeing certain workmates in a negative light, despite smiling in their face often when I see them in the office and carrying that into this recent dream I had which surprised me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be surprised when I have a dream that is vivid, because of defining myself in the past as someone who "never dreams" which as I have shown myself in this blog is nothing but separation.

I forgive myself for not investigating and clearing any negative reactions towards certain work colleagues immediately s and when they come up, instead of suppressing them, where they only ended up pouring into my dreams which is not acceptable, so I take responsibility to do what is needed, the necessary self-corrective application to be stable in relation to all work colleagues.

I forgive myself for not realising in all moments that dreams are great support tools to show me directly things that I need to align within myself in my life.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react when people tell me they saw me in their dreams, I realise that this reaction does not support me in living whats best for all life - so as and when  see my

mind reacting having thoughts come up in my mind when someone tells me about a dream they had, so I stop and breathe, I do not engage with these thoughts, I contine to breathe until there is no more thoughts coming up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that i cannot change another persons dream, I can only change myself in relation to what they say about theirs or my dreams.

I commit myself to not defining myself as someone different in relation to dreams, I realise that it is irrelevant if i have many or not many dreams, if people say they see me in their dreams or not - I am flesh and bone here on earth like anyone else - -so as and when I see my mind having thoughts of more value in myself in relation t dreams, then I stop and breathe I do not participate, I know that participating will only continue my own self-enslavement as this pre-programming, so I just breathe here as who I am and continue until I transcend these thoughts.

I commit myself to never disregarding any dreams that I have, because I have learnt that regardless of not dreaming often, as with anyone in life, my dreams support me to see what i need to work on within myself and my participation in this physical world.

Day 283: You saw me in you're dreams?

Dreams - a series of thoughts, Images and sensations occurring in a persons mind during sleep. Or it can be a cherished aspiration, ambition or ideal.

For the purpose of this blog we are looking at the first definition. Now whether you dream or not currently, there is no doubt that you will at some point have had a dream before while you are in deep sleep.

But what determines what we dream about? Well unsurprisingly its our aspirations, our memories, our fears, our ego, our subconscious and unconscious patterns of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Also it must be noted that there are many forms of technology nowadays  that can work in tandem with our bodies sleeping and can affect what we dream about - these dreams really do go on when we close our eyes, every second of the night we live another life so to speak, plenty of lawnmower man, matrix, avatar madness in a way.

But what happens when somebody says to you they say you in their dreams? Do you react to this? Its also something that majority of people in this world have experienced before - you know that weird awkward moment, where someone you know says in conversation that you were in their dream and maybe even played a pivotal role in their dream.

I'm looking at this point because someone I know close to me, said that I was in her dream and explained a complex story of which sounded very dramatic which involved me dying and her being really sad abut it and spending time with my mother after my death.

It was interesting when she told me this dream she had, I reacted because it actually sounded like a possible future set of occurrences and I could tell it was a vivid dream for her.

Then I noticed that this has happened to me plenty of times in life where someone has said they saw me in their dreams to some capacity, and I will react to this in fear that what they are speaking about could have happened, or could become reality in future in my life.

Then I will also generally become sceptical verging on paranoia about how they see me in their mind, effecting my behaviour towards that person.

But I will be self-dishonest within these moments where I will disregard it as if i am not bothered by their dream story involving me, convincing myself that I don't care - but in reality I will think about this over and over for the next few days when someone shares a dream story involving me.

Yet I realise that no matter what relation I have to a persons dream, or how real or not real it is, makes no difference - I cannot change what happens in other peoples minds or when they sleep.

So all I can do is see the pattern I have been accepting in myself which does not assist me, and then make sure that I realign myself to whats best for all here, so that the next time somebody tells me a dream story involving me, that I stop and breathe immediately, I do not react I do not engage with the thoughts that come up.

I continue to breathe until there is no more thoughts that come up, then I move from common sense here where I can assist the person and myself to look closer at their own mind, to see why they are having a dream involving me - what in their mind potentially needs to be investigated further as to why they are dreaming abut me? What reactions, what values, judgements or fears does this person have in relation to me?

Aligning myself within this point will also assist me, because although I very rarely dream - I still occasionally have a dream and it does occasionally involve somebody I know, so I can support myself here to also investigate and correct any issues in my mind I have towards someone in self-hnesty.

For instance just recently I had the first memorable dream that I've had in about a year - there were a few work colleagues in my dream. The dream was violent involving a large street fight of some kind and I noticed when I investigated further that the workmates I dreamt about, were some of the ones I have some form of friction with before.

all these work colleagues that I'm not that fond of got beaten up badly in my dream, so it was like my dream was acting out what I thought about doing to them at moments in one of my jobs, when we had a disagreement.

Fascinating it was, but unacceptable I realised, so I paid attention to when my mind was having thoughts towards these people in what moments - I have started stopping and breathing in these moments, I forgave myself for these thoughts towards certain work colleagues and I must continue to do so until there is no more thoughts.

So join me next time as we will walk and correct these mental issues I have had around dreams.

Day 282: The Demon in the smoke Part 2

Smoke - a visible suspension of Carbon or other particles in air, typically from a burning substance. Also it is defined as the act of smoking tobacco.

Clear meanings, as with any word, yet its fascinating how in my mind the word smoking has been defined in a fragmented way in complete separation from myself.

smoking has meant a variety of things to me, as I have defined myself according to smoking for a long time - the act of smoking and creating smoke has been an addiction for me for sometime as this demon in the smoke character.

I want to push myself, to test myself - I must walk out this addiction to smoking, this pattern and character in separation from myself until there is no more addiction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to smoking throughout my life - I realise that as with any deeply ingrained addiction, this is something which needs to be done in order to live what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by smoking as this demon in the smoke character whereby when the thought comes up too smoke, I do not question it ever -  I literally glaze over and a few seconds later I am smoking a cigarette or some weed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define smoking as having value to do when humans have done it for so long in our history - yet regardless of our acceptances of smoking, an acceptance of any form of addiction is not acceptable.

I forgive myself for judging someone who doesn't smoke as being scared of death and so isn't always worthy of my respect so to speak, or my mind looks down on someone who has never smoked in a way which is unacceptable and I see how this has affected particularly some relationships with certain women in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to struggle to go through the day without at least 5-10 cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to struggle to go a full day without smoking at least one cigarette or struggle to go one week without smoking at least one weed joint.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by smoking weed only on weekends, that I am not sorting out this addiction but merely suppressing the root cause and filling in the weekdays with more cigarettes in place of weed.

I forgive myself for not realising that despite the fact that I have reduced that amount of weed I smoke to weekends, but I am still having thoughts to smoke more during the week, which I realise I have been suppressing and replacing with more cigarette smoke.

I forgive myself for suppressing my addiction to weed by increasing my addiction to smoking cigarettes, switching one for another which is not an effective solution to a smoking problem - So i take self-responsibility to stop this now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the act of creating smoke and creating this "relief experience" in my lungs - yet I realise that in reality this relief experience is limited, it is essentially not real because the only truest way to relax myself, to be clear and stable here is through breathing - breathe is always here as me, this is my stabilisation point, where as rely on anything outside of myself to relax myself is self-enslavement.

I forgive myself for allowing ad accepting myself to believe that I need to smoke tobacco or weed to  relax myself, when n fact every time I push myself to stop smoking even for a few weeks, I see how I can relax myself with breathing here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that smoking straight after training is even more enjoyable then usual, which I realise that even if that is true, this point is just a justification my ego uses as another reason to always maintain myself as this "demon in the smoke".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my smoking habits through the enjoyment experience I have when I smoke after training, when this is an interactive experience with the physical here then that is cool, but an addiction justifying and controlling the actions.

I forgive myself for not breathing through moments of difficulty so that an addiction to smoking does not occur  and maintain itself - 

I forgive myself for allowing myself to define smoking as something cathartic, serious and spiritual so to speak, and because I define myself as cathartic, serious and spiritual, I deceive myself into thinking that smoking is a part of who I am, a "perfect match" in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for defining myself and smoking as something cathartic, serious and spiritual, I realise that these ideas of myself and smoking are not the reality, because the reality is I am here as this breathe regardless of any definitions in the mind that the ego imposes on myself and others around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the act of smoking because of believing that it keeps me in connection with beings from different realities - again limited, because In reality  am connected to all life in existence by default as this body, this breathe here, this sound of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a whole ritualised process and experience within smoking, whereby its like this concept of enhancing myself/making myself more in tune or something, when in reality these rituals are creating nothing intune but feeding into my addiction to smoking.

I forgive myself for experiencing myself as pumped up in a state of possession when I am smoking, as this concept that I am "more comfortable" when I smoke, that I'm kind of breathing underwater, which is clearly not true.

I forgive myself for believing that I have more "original thoughts" when I am smoking, which again even if it were true is still limitation, because in reality it is my own process of learning and expressing myself where true creativity drives - If i and using a tool like smoking to be more creative then really im just fucking myself within a  co-dependency, a self-enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am cooler, more attractive and tougher looking when I smoke - I realise that my ego is showing its insecurity of not feeling, col attractive and tough enough, so "needing" smoking to facilitate and vampire the energy of these feelings.

I forgive myself for wanting to project/look cooler, tougher and more attractive - yet I understand and realise that this is just my ego fucking with me, because who I am as life as this breathe does not need to project itself as anything, because as this breathe I can apply common sense where I am always comfortable and stable as who I am.

I forgive myself that when I go longer then a few days without smoking, that I become shorter tempered, my mind starts having racing thoughts, I start to sweat more and a charged emotion starts to build up in me, where my mind literally feels like it gets possessed and grabs me and demands me to get something to smoke.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to avoid these uncomfortable emotions when I am not smoking, by just allowing myself to be controlled, by the thoughts to smoke, repeating the memories over and over again - each time that I do I ingrain the addiction to smoking further.

I forgive myself for defining smoking as something cynical people do and then defining myself as cynical, creating a "perfect match" in my mind, I see how this feeds into the addiction to smoking, when in reality smoking s something that anybody can do, you do not have to be cynical, and while it can make sense to be cynical at times in life, it is not a pre-requisite of being a smoker and the same vice versa.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold onto memories in my mind of my mother and her friends cool friends always smoking growing up and wanting to be like them hence I saw being an adult that can smoke as a desirable thing which is where this addiction was first seeded.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a "cool smoking adult" at a young age, because now I actually am an adult smoking, I see that there is actually nothing especially cool about smoking in anyway.

I forgive myself for defining my mum and her friends as cool in my mind for smoking, it was like a magic trick watching them create and play with the smoke, like making smoke rings for example - I couldn't wait till I could start smoking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my mother and her friends as rebels for smoking, and because the music they listened often spoke about being a rebel, then again it added mre value in my mind to being a rebel in someway.

I forgive myself for holding onto the rebellious thoughts I had as 12 year old smoking in between classes with my mates to feel cool and rebellious like my mum and her friends.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to last more then 3 months without smoking since I was about 12.

I forgive myself for feeding into the justification as I have gotten older that because I have more things to look after, that i essentially "need smoking" as stress relief when actually there is nothing that can justify any addiction to anything - because all addictions are just a sign of self-enslavement.

I forgive myself for defining myself as not being scared of death, and because smoking is defined by society according to death - therefore I deceive myself within the whole "perfect match" thing again, when in reality I can be scared of dying, everyone can be and no matter what society says there are many things that can kill quicker then smoking, like a gun for instance. So I forgive myself for believing that I cannot be scared of dying, for feeding into societies stigmatisation of smoking being connected to death, and creating an illusionary connection between me and smoking in relation to death.

I forgive myself for holding onto memories of my granddad and Bernard both saying that smoking isn't so bad at times in my life, and giving solid reasons why, but again I see how my ego has been holding onto these  memories as justification points for my addiction to smoking which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to create a false sense of security in my mind, because I can still out work a lot of training partners, so my ego struggles to see the issue with smoking - when I realise that the effect smoking does or doesn't have on me is essentially irrelevant, because within and as addiction the mind always comes up with ways to create an idea that "it doesn't effect me" as a justification to continue.

I forgive myself for not noticing in every breathe that while I am naturally athletically gifted, that when I am honest with myself it is clear that my breathing capacity, catching my second wind in training is more difficult then it used to be, as a result of being addicted to smoking for so long.

I forgive myself for ignoring the fact that my ability to catch a deep breathe has worsened through the years and that there is a rough scratchiness in my throat and chest which is there most of the time.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to use the knowledge that because smoking is not the worst cancer killer, as a reason to disregard the effects that smoking genuinely has on the heart/circulatory system and on general lung capacity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my addiction to smoking to effect business relations with a business partner recently - yet within this I saw support as a motivator to start walking a process of stopping smoking.

I forgive myself for not realising that when I successfully remove my addiction to smoking, then it will completely change so whenever I smoke again in the future, it will be a point of physical interaction here for  moment, not an addiction.

I commit myself to no matter how many times i fall, to find a way to complete a long period at least a year without smoking anything, as I see that the addiction to smoking is only becoming further ingrained through the years causing issues in my body and issues in my business relations recently.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I am not defined through smoke, no matter what my ego tries to tell me, I am simply life here as this breathe and when I walk as this breathe in self-honesty in every moment then I am actually living whats best for all in all moments.

I commit myself to not allowing my mind to participate with thoughts that  justify my addiction to smoking. So as and when I see my mind having thoughts that justify smoking feeding into my addiction, I sop and breathe, I do not allow myself to become these thoughts, no matter how painful, I breathe until the justification thoughts do not come up anymore.

. 

Day 281: The Demon in the smoke

So for thousands of years smoking is something that we humans have done all around the world in various tribes and cultures. Then in around post WW2 smoking became really mainstream in the west and now it is something that Billions of people do around the world.

Smoking has always been something utilised as a means of reducing stress, gaining composure, perhaps having a moment of clarity about something. Smoking in the west has also been synonymous as something sexualised, as a social interaction tool and a "must have" item for any wannabe "tough guy" image in the mind, all of which can lead to addiction.

Smoking has also been used in various medicines, drugs, rituals, seances, in various incantations, pagan rites so to speak - you know like that scene in 300 with the Oracle and the ritual the Ephors do with the use of smoke, or you know the sex ritual scene in that eyes wide shut film - always the smoke being a type of interdimnensional link, assisting with connection with the dead, with other beings from other realities in some way.

Because this is what im talking about here - a deeper possession within smoking where at times it is so automated that it almost seems like the moments before smoking, I almost glaze over become possessed then the smoking occurs be that tobacco or weed.

I smoke tobacco everyday around 10 a day, and pretty much have for a long time, weed I have smoked a lot of before, everyday for years, but now it is mainly on the weekend, but even then my mind tries to look for excuses still to smoke weed more - yet if it is either weed or cigarettes seems to almost make no difference in my mind, becuse ultimately iit is the point of creating smoke, creating this relief experience in the lungs with every inhale.

Why do I believe that I can not relieve myself effectively, without some form of smoking? The only time im not smoking cigarettes or weed, is when im training - and even then straight after training, smoking weed or cigarettes feels almost more enjoyable then usual.

Its like there's always been something cathartic I have found in the act of smoking, I define myself in my mind as a type of demon within the smoke, when i am smoking - like the experience is like im pumped up in a way, I feel more comfortable, like I can breathe underwater, this belief I have more original thoughts when I am smoking, I feel cooler in some way, more attractive and tough looking.

Its fascinating because when I go longer then a day or two without smoking anything my mind, gets racing thoughts, becomes more on edge, I sweat a lot, swear more then usual, and its almost like my mind has these super powerful charged thought feelings that seems to just grab me by the throat and say - get me some smokes now. 

At this point I do not even question it when these strong feelings come up, I just go with it, I allow myself to be controlled and I repeat the memory again - smoking is something I have fallen on more then most addictions in this lifetime.

But where did this all start, this addiction to smoking? It started when I was very young and I always remembered my mum and her friends smoking all the time around the house, so naturally I started early, I remember the first time I tried one my mum didn't know that i took one of hers out of her bag when i was about 10 - i smoked it in my room and coughed loads, but was excited about just watching it burn, I did more watching then smoking of it.

I didn't initially like it much, but I always remember thinking growing up I want to smoke because it looks cool, like the smoke itself looks almost mysterious in a way - that mysterious thing the adults do, which looks cool.

When I was about 12 that was when things really started with my school mates, everyday in between classes we would smoke something, and its around here is where the enjoyment and subsequent addiction to smoking really started to ingrain itself in my mind and body.

Since then I have not had more then maybe occasional weeks or months off here and there - but since about twelve I have never had 1 full year without smoking something. As I have had more responsibility to look after things as I have got older, its almost like the justifications to smoke grow more fr general "stress relief".

Also I have always defined myself as someone who is not scared of death, and society defines smoking as something that causes death, yet my grandfather always taught me that there are much worse cancer causing killers in the world then smoking, Bernard also told me that because everything is in reverse smoking does not actually kill you so to speak - this all added layers to my addiction through the years.

Nowadays though I see the limitations of smoking more and more, I see how while I have been used to training consistently in between my smoking, which has lulled me into a sense of security with smoking, whereby because I can still out athlete a lot of training partners, because I have good genetics and cardio, so Its like I have struggled seeing the problem with smoking.

Bu recently I see how my breathing capacity in my life its starting to feel more compromised nowadays, like catching my second wind in training is more difficult then it used to be, and generally getting a deep breathe seems more difficult as well as a consistent scratchy feeling in the throat/chest areas.

There has also been consequences that have effected business relations recently which I blogged about in a recent previous blog, which has inspired me in a way to push through this addiction to smoking.

So Its going to be a painful road with this point, but I need to walk the point f not smoking anything for a longtime, so that If i smoke in the future, It will be an interactive experience here not a pre-programmed addiction. I know this and I must do this, but no point making big wordy statements beforehand, better to just get it done and report back on it later -

Join me next time when I continue this point..