Ingredients Fear Pattern

So i noticed a pattern that i have accumilated while shopping the other day, that any item of food i put into my trolley, i will immediately look at the ingredients to search for any harmful chemicals in the product. Seems like common sense, because some chemicals in certain food (mainly prostethic food- fast food, sweets, crisps etc) are very harmful for the human body, and should not be ingested in large quantities. However It is suggested and is practical common sense to follow a set diet on the basis of what blood type we are.

I get thoughts like "be careful marley, check whats in that first", "check the ingredients thoroughly" "dont be stupid, put that back its full of shit" "thats a dangerous mix of chemicals, i wouldnt eat that unless i had nothing else" "get that, it has stable ingredients"

However when i actually stopped and considered the starting point as to why im actually getting these kind of thoughts to check the ingredients, it is out of a fear of being poisoned, a fear that the mixture of chemicals may have a negative effect on my body, a fear of being harmed. A fear that if i dont check the ingredients, and i just follow my desire to buy what tastes good, that i am more likely to be hurt. So its like a security banket defense mechanism i am allowing here, where i percieve that i am giving myself a better chance to live a longer healthier life. And that if i stick to more natural food, that i will be giving myself an even better opportunity then someone else to live as long as possible, in self interest as the mind. So i can see this self definition that has built up to a point where every item i buy and every time i shop, i am always checking ingredients out of fear of harm, and being attracted to natural ingredients. Also i can see that i secretly want to eat junk food often, but i know its not beneficial for my body where i will pick items up see an unsupportive ingredients list on the item, so i have been supressing that, and going into self judgements about it.

I can remember when i was growing up from as young as 6 - 13 years old, that my grandad would always tell me to check ingredients on food, to stay clear of certain types of ingredients such as: Flouride, Saccahrin, Sodium Benzoate, Monosodium glutamate, Sodium Nitrate, Aspartame, Acesulfame-k, etc, which are all very harmful chemicals. And he always told me to eat as much fruit and vegetables as possible. My grandad specialized in chemistry, and worked for various science organizations in the 50s and 60s so at that time in my life when i was about 6, his word was paramount above anyone i knew in relation to food. Also my mum would obviously re-affirm this to me growing up and always made food with little as So this is clearly

It is interesting how in society there is this programmed idea that eating food from nature will give us better health and let us live as long as possible. we percieve it as "good" to consume nature, and we allow it to make us feel "good" that we are consuming nature, we create a self definition from this, that if we eat like a vegan does, then we are somehow closer to earth, more in touch, more spiritual, and closer to our roots. And that we percieve it as "bad" and uncaring to eat items that are full of preservatives, creating the whole polarity point to exist, the friction.

I know a person for another example, that focuses on eating junk food, because as they said to me it tastes good and so makes the person feel good, knowing however it is perecieved as bad. The "feel good factor" people experience while eating sweets and stuff, is obviously the energy produced from the high sugar content. Then this person will avoid eating food percieved to be healthy and "good" because it doesnt give them that "feel good" energetic high, so even though the natural food is percieved as "good" in society, the person will formulate a self definition that it is "bad" and so avoid eating it, again showing the polarity point play out.

Extremely obese people are another excellent example of this point, where the person has accumilated food that tastes "good" and gives them an energetic experience. Then the person gets addicted to the high sugar foods, thus the person will only eat this kind of stuff, and will avoid natural food wherever possible, totally disregarding the formulation of a diet that is best for the human body. Not everbody does this though, so it is obviously dependent on our personalities, and level of education in relation to eating.

Another interesting point, is that i have also noticed another point upon further investigation of this self definition i have accepted and allowed to accumilate in relation to food ingredients and eating healthy. Fascinating that anyday either me or my mum is cooking and its about time to serve up onto a plate, then i immediately react by demanding of myself or my mother to not allow the food items on the plate to mix together. Its like i try and make barriers in between the various items of food on the plate. Funny that once i have the plate infront of me, im happy to mix all the items togther, but when the chef is serving up, i demand a separation on the plate to exist. Its like im afraid of someone else mixing up the ingredients without me to see it being done, that its a "bad" thing to for someone else to mix up the ingredients, but a "good thing if i do it lol.

This is me compromising my stability within and as breathe, just allowing more polarity as the mind here, and showing me a fear of other people mixing up items on a plate togteher before serving to me, from a lack of trust for the cook, which is exactly the same as what i do while shopping for food, i just run around, not trusting the cook of the product and just allowing fears, judgments and suppressions to play out.

And i mean i can also see, that when im speaking to my mum or a friend that is cooking for me, then i will be badgering the person, repeatedy asking what ingredients have they added to the dish? That question totally fuelled by fear of whats going into the foods design that could possibly harm me.

So this point is clearly not practically supporting me here in my process of self realisation and self honesty, its not best for all, and it has been accumilaung for a long time. So i stand here in self honesty, equal as the problem, and thus equal as the solution, i take self responsibility now to face the point here, and continue to release as and when required until here no further. We shall all die one day anyway which is inevitable, so fearing death in anyform is pointless, so die well food ingredients fear pattern

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being harmed by food ingredients.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear eating food that has a high amount of synthetic preservatives and additives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the mind that in checking the ingredients of a food product, and stopping eating certain food, that my chances of living longer will be better then someone who eats alot of additives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being killed by food additives.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this delusional point of self interest to exist.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to only eat food that is natural.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also secretly desire eating food with high amounts of additives that taste "good"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress these desires instead of releasing them immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself within this point of secretly desiring to stuff my face with preservatives.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others as less then me because they eat items with alot of food additives daily.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in this point of polarity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear other people serving up my food in a way that is not divided.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i can choose with my "free will" that i can separate the food on my plate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not trusting myself and taking self responsibility on the point earlier to stop accumilating the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto fears in my mind from childhood in relation to food consumption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to and repeatedly replay these various ideas, perceptions and beliefs.

"old friend" reaction pattern - fame, ego, fear

So today at work i saw somebody that i havent seen for a longtime since college when i was 17. When i was 17 i did not consider this person to be an enemy, nor did i consider them to be what i defined at the time as a "close friend". Specifically we did drama in the same class at secondary school, and he always said to me that he thought i could become a famous actor or film director oneday. at college our relationship as such diminished as i was at the time more concerned with hanging out with the "cool" kids. But we knew eachother from a distance so to speak, acknowledging eachother and having brief "how you doing" chats.

Anyway as soon as i saw him i immediately reacted with thoughts like "i dont want this person to see me while im at work" "i dont want to appear to this person as a failure" then i experienced an energetic movement within me, like a jolt of anxiety throughout my physical body, then as he approached my direction, i started physically acting out these thoughts and anxiety, by turning the other way, and keeping my head down reading a paper until the person had gone past.

Then when i looked up and the person had gone, i slowed myself down within and as breathe, and i started to consider that i have often acted this way around acquaintances that i havent seen in years, especially if they said to me i could be famous. But upon further investigation i see that i will only avoid people that i have known in the past when i am at work, but when i am not working, i will happily greet the person and attempt to open up discussion on equality and oneness with the person.

So i start considering, why am i acting this way around these people only when i am at work? how did i allow this self definition to formulate? what fears are behind it? how is this operating?

And so as i look into this point further, i can see that i am fearing what another person thinks about me, fearing them judging me as a failure in a poor job. i am still holding onto points of fear, points of knowledge of how this person used to view me at school as a possible "future star". A fear of this self formulated image the person had of me in the past being shattered, its like fearing letting that go, because of a desire to still want to be remembered by this person as a talented guy headed for fame.

Interesting exposure here, and i can see when i look back throughout my childhood, that everytime someone ever said to me they thought i would be famous or rich, i would react within an energy of happiness where i would experience excitement that maybe they might be right, maybe i will be rich.

Some other examples i can see in relation to this point, i remember being 9 years old playing football for my primary school, and before the game started i was chatting with one of the guys from the opposite team, and i said to him that i heard he was a good player, and he said to me that he heard i was pretty good aswel, we both agreed that oneday we could both become rich and famous from playing football. During the game though, me and my team did not play effective football, and the other team ended up beating us by a ridiculous score, something like 7 -1. The guy on the other team who i was speaking to before kick off turned out to be a great player scoring most of his teams 7 goals. After the game was played, i immediately reacted with fear, and attempted to avoid this person out of a fear that he would say to me "well marley you didnt play very well" "your not going to become a famous player and have lots of money" i didnt shake his hand or asy anything to him, i just played out the fear, and just went back to the team bus.

And when i was 21 i remember being at work, and spotting an acquaintance who i trained shoot fighting with for 2 years when i was 14. out of a class of 25 kids aged 11-15, i was the only one that was considered by the head trainer to be able to handle training with the adult class for over 18s. So after 6 months training with kids around my age, i was the first kid to do my training sessions with the adult group, and this kid was often saying to me stuff like "you could be a pro fighter one day marley" "you could make alot of money from fighting". And so when i saw this person from a distance while i was at work, i reacted then the same way i did today, the same thoughts, anxiety and fear came up, so i just turned away from the person making no eye contact whatsoever out of a fear of their image of me as "the guy that will get fame and money from fighting" being torn apart. And i can also remember when i saw this person again maybe 8 months ago, i wasnt working and i remember stopping and talking with the person for a moment.

This is all showing me that i am still accepting and allowing myself to hold onto impractical knowledge, defining myself as having to apparently act differently around old acquaintances when i see them at work, especially if they said i would be famous for something. Fearing what others think of me, fearing being judged as a failure by the person.

So as i stand here equal within and as this pattern, i am now self aware of my particpation and allowance for this point to continue. Thus i now have the power to do something about this program, to apply myself on the point repeatedly as and when it comes up, and to stick to breathe until the point no longer exists here in my world.

So i take self responsibility to commit myself to stopping this point here, to stand within and as self honesty in equality and oneness with self as breathe, as who i really am as life, as all that exists here.

Poster Reactions

When i look at all the various posters in my room, i notice that i have a particular memory attached to each poster. When i look at the poster, i react and access a specific memory that i have connected to the picture. Where i got it, what i was doing at the time, why did i get it, etc. So here is a self definition that i have accepted and allowed to exist, but when i look at it within self honesty, i can see that none of the memories i hold onto in relation to the picture im viewing is practical in anyway. None of these memories serve me in anyway in taking self responsibility standing here as breathe of life in self honesty.

I mean memory is just accumilated experiences and knowledge replaying through my acceptance and allowance of the specific mechanism to exist and replay. But if the knowledge cannot be practically tested and lived by anyone as physically valid and best for all, then the point is not physically of any use in my daily living application, it is not supportive in anyway, and thus is not valid to exist, so requires deletion.

For instance i have a poster of Malcolm Mcdowells face from clockwork orange, and everytime i look at the poster, i react and access memories and thoughts about studying this film and others at college. Then thoughts of stuff like "i got an excellent grade in film studies" "i know my films" "i have such a wide taste of films" "i would've made a great film actor/director/critic" behind these thoughts in relation to this poster i am experiencing pride that i got a high grade in film studies, arrogance that i understand film terminology and have seen many films, self judgment that i am not professionally working in the film industry.

These points come up in relation to one poster, and each poster has a memory, so will be investigating and releasing each one where and when required. So im seeing here a self defintiion that is completely pointless to hold onto. Its not best for all or practical to continue these points to exist, because a poster is a poster no more no less, it only becomes more or less within my reaction and judgment to it within the mind. There is no matter what i think about it, it is just a picture, and when i am allowing this picture to move me to go into memory as the mind, then i am just compromising my self, and separating myself in my mind from myself as who i really am as life here.

So i stop here, and take self responsibility to release this system, this self definition through writing, self forgiveness, breathe, self honesty and common sense.

Re Filming a Vlog - Self Doubt, Preaching, Ego and Pride

So fascinating when i watched my vlog today after making it, that i immediately reacted towards it, in that i had this chatter in my head of "nah do it again", because i was judging the vlog as being "not good enough" because i failed to explain a point about a self definition of music energy possession while driving in the first recording.

Then after i re recorded the vlog, i considered that i have done this with alot of vlogs that i have made, i would say that about 60% of my vlogs have only been uploaded once i have re recorded. Here is a self definition that i have formulated, that i have identified before and done nothing about it, making the problem worse, so im gona go deeper into myself, investigate this further, re consider my application, and direct the point out of existance.

Its basically where im going into judgement of the vlog within and as the mind, self doubt, and only when i have recorded it with all the points in relation to the main point of the vlog will i be satisfyed with it to upload it. instead of realsing that what comes up in the moment of vlogging is what requires attention for application, i mean i am not making a film with "action" and "cut" where everything shown is structured and over a few years thought up and designed. Yet at times i am allowing this thought to play out, that i must apparently attempt to structure my vlogs. Vlogging is about self expression here, but alot of the time i am turning it into a knowledge fear based experience, where everything i am saying in the vlog has already been pre meditated and projected through and as the mind.

Its like i sometimes go into these points of recording to an audience, preaching, and fearing what others will think if i say this like this, or that like that. Its like im percieving and assuming what people would like to hear, and how they would like to hear the point explained, instead of just sharing myself unconditionally here. Its like trying to impress people with my words in alot of my videos, to attempt to get a higher standing in another persons perspective of me, to get a feeling of appreciation from others.

This is dishonesty, and an ego point of the mind, because the whole point of vlogging is for self to express self here, in self support of self as all as one as equal, without being dependant on anything else. Here i can see that i am looking to get acknowledgement from others to make myself feel better about myself, like a well done Marley, to which i react with thoughts of appreciation. But after those appreciative thoughts, arises thoughts of pride that someone has enjoyed what i have shared, and then sometimes going into this again with another vlog, to experience those thoughts and feelings of appreciation and pride.

These points that came up in relation to watching my last vlog, are toally unacceptable, because these points do not support life, and do not assist me in standing as Equality and Oneness in all moments. This multi faceted self definition of sometimes re filming a vlog to build mental relationships, please my ego, and give in to fear must be released and deleted from existance now, so im pushing myself through breathe to a self honest starting point in relation to vlogging, so that all my vlogging will be sticking to what is best for all.

The Hero

Want to go further into this point that i exposed in my writings a few days ago. Its Interesting today at work, i had to change where i was working at the last minute, because somebody in my team couldnt make it in to work for a minor reason, which i calculated mathematically as unacceptable. And when i was discussing this with my boss, i said im covering it no problem, and i started getting these ideas of - Trust Marley to save the day, im the one to correct this, nobody else. That person is weaker then me, time for me to put my cape on and fly lol, and it can only be me that saves the day. Then i laughed at the thought, breathed, four count, then i considered, how did that thought arrive? where did this idea come from that i must apparently be the "hero" in my mind? a thought that im somehow more relevant then another at work on this point. What fears, judgments, desires are behind this? What self image have i allowed to be designed from that.

I can see within myself in self honesty that there is a self definition of ego of fearing not being a hero, fearing not being able to save somebody else. I desire to be that which is considered a "great person" that "saved" many. This point will affect me sometimes, where i start focusing on "saving" or supporting others from their own points of self definitions, instead of focusing on correcting myself firstly within my own experience. Also a desire to hold onto that self definition of me as the trusty old Marley personality.

I project that image of me as a trusty saviour to gain a "higher" opinion of me to the other person, and to gain more respect, profit, and ultimately energy from others. Presenting an angel with a spiteful, secretive agenda of vampiring of others in order to get a feeling that i accept and belief to be neccessary within self interest. I judge others as less then me at work if they dont want to be a hero, like i see myself as more valid because of this self formulated idea that i am a hero and the one im covering at work today isnt. That anyone who is walkingthese self definitions are unacceptable, and do not serve me as life here in establishing myself as the self directive principle of equality and oneness.

This self allowed idea of being a hero and how a hero should operate, is something that was as any point is, seeded and developed from a certain point in time, that i can reference when looking at my memory. So from what i can see, i have watched so many cartoons and films where the main character, is the one who gets the most focus and attention, saves eveybody, and at the end is given and almighty thank you from everyone the main character saved. I have allowed these various characters on tv to program me, and then through the years for me to define myself as that self defined coding growing up, that i must stand as the hero code to be "adored by people". Adults where always speaking highly of heroes i noticed as a child listening to conversations, so by attempting to be a hero i felt like i am being more of an adult by defining myself as that. An idea of establishing myself as special in some way.

Also the point of my father not being in my life, i very often allowed when i was younger to push myself to a constant idea that i have to be a hero, because i have no father, so i must make an effort to be extra "strong". And attempt to handle more in one breathe then what i can actually handle.

And also the day my mother nearly died when i was 8, i was so relieved and happy once i found out she will pull through ok, that i made an inner staement to myself of i will be there to look after my mum, i will be her rock, her hero.

So all this programming has occured mostly at emotinal high points in my life, thorugh my acceptance and allowance within and as the mind consciousness system.

I mean why am i even associating the word hero with an accepted and allowed idea of how a hero should operate and exist. That it should be one person that saves the day in a ruthless self interested pusuit of energy, to be remembered as a "great being" one leader to lead them all and all that shit. To redefine for a moment a definition thats best for all of what a hero is, is a being that stand within and as self honesty in every breathe here, a person that is willing to give up all points of self definition to self birth life here within and as the physical. Not from a starting point of self interest as the mind, but from the practical living application of whats best for all. A being that is willing to do what it takes to implement a system that supports all forms of life.

I stand here in self honesty as the solution, i take self responsibility to stop the existance of my self definitions separating me from me here as who i really am as life.

Me and my Sons Mother

So i have had my son living with me my mum and my animals for the past 2 days, and everytime i get to spend time with him, i enjoy it extensively.

But i just want to share a bit about some reactions and bad feelings that i still carry in relation to my sons mother. So its like fascinating because me and my sons mother are not in a relationship or agreement, but we have to agree on certain points, in order for our parenting of Malachi to be effective.

So we have alot of differences in our personalities, such as - she beliefs and prays to a god daily, and i do not obviously. She is happy to attempt to lie and manipulate me for sex, extra money or a favour. She enjoys fashion and spending alot of money on designer clothes, and i do not. She totally disagrees with people shaving their heads, and i enjoy this obviously. She listens to predominantly mainstream hip hop/rnb music, while i enjoy most genres of music. She only cooks carribean style food, while i like to try all kinds of foods etc etc. I mean i could go on and on, because the differences are massive, but we are both human, and so this is not a rant blaming her for everything, but this is just the facts that exist.

And although i am much more stable around here now then when i first started my process, where i would just spitefully knit pick everything she did. I still find certain points where i will go into competition, judgements and energetic mind battles within our agreement to support Malachi effectively.

Now i dont react often to people who do not apply practical common sense maths in day to day living, but i do react to her occassionally, and me caring for my sons wellbeing is the justification with which i use as to why i will react emotionally to her on a point. For example she doesnt understand how to empty or change a hoover bag on a hoover, so that it picks up dirt faster, and also she prefers to mop her floor before hoovering it, which doenst make sense at all, because most people hoover beore mopping. But what a pointless point though to allow to exist, i mean its none of my concern, so why am i allowing this to make me react.

So the main points i can still see myself recating to in relation to my sons mother is - She takes him to church every sunday, and encourages him to pray when he is only 1 and a half, i find this unacceptable and will state this to her when she tells me about it, then she will say she is not forcing religion on him, and i am still allowing this point to make me react, whenever it is discussed, where i react with complete disdain and confusion as to why she is enforcing religion upon our son, but at the same time says he should make his own mind up as he gets older.

Then i will sometimes go into points in relation to religion while i am in discussion with the mother, in an attempt to show her practically in black and white how this physical reality works, so she can expose the point for herself. A form of attempted seed planting, but when she refuses to listen during the discussion, i start getting offended, and react as my ego, in that im so pissed off that she wont listen to me, and then i start getting brutally sarcasstic in the disscussion, which only enforces her stance of not listening.

The whole polarity point starts playing out, where i will be percieving her "bad" in my mind, and from what she tells me she thinks the same of me, so we are both viewing eachother as deluded in our thoughts before the conversation has even begun, so that neither of us really listen to eachother, out of a lack of mutual respect. We both start playing into the battle of "i want to win this heated discussion no matter what" Its a simple freewill point here, where i must understand that no matter what i say to a person i cannot change there perception in a moment, i can only support them to support themselves to start walking a process exposing themselves in self honesty.

But wanting to get someone to submit and agree with me in an argument at all costs, is just my ego playing out abusing another as myself, but its interesting that although i used to do this with everybody, she is the only person i know currently, where i still go into a discussion with her purely to try and win the discussion and just enforce my word as more important, not actually to support the person as equals - unacceptable.

I mean this point should not be affecting me in such a way, because i can only work with what is here at any given moment, so all i can do is support my son to be able to support himself as he gets older in exposing all forms of separation within himself and the world.

Interesting though that while doing all her church studies and prayer reciteles, she failed to see the simple fact that her downstairs flat is getting mouldy and damp. I exposed this point today, when i brought my son back to his mum, and i wanted to investigate why Malachi is very often getting colds and throat cough problems. And i noticed before i came in, that the drainage pipe was cracked, and was just allowing water to spray onto the flat, also there was a blocked drain, inside the flat one of the rooms had mould growing on the window sealant, and in her room, the ceilings was bowing due to moisture.

You can litterally smell mould when you walk into the flat, and Malachis clothing very often smells damp and mouldy, yet she still managed to miss these factors for a longtime until i pointed that out, and showed these points to her practically. Just think its fascinating that she couldnt smell the mould in the flat, its like cool to expose this point, as it shows that religious people will deliberately get lost in thier minds entertaining themselves, while the physical is eating your flat away lol, and no amount of praying will correct it, only physical practical action will make a difference to anything in this world.

Also i have decided today to stop having sex with the mother of my son for good, as it is always a point of manipulation with no equal agreement as such, where she will only want sex if she is in control, in the positions that she likes, with a certain amount of energy. She just wants a repetitive specific energetic experience, there is no equality of self expression moving within and as the physical and working with eachother here.

Also she didnt tell me the last time that we had sex, which was about a month ago, that she was actually in a relationship with a guy at the same time. But she didnt tell me this until she got what she wanted obviously, which really is so unacceptable, where she is actually willing to lie and decieve her partner, just so she can have sex with me. If anyone else where to attempt this kind of thing to me, then i would immediately block them, and disengage all contact, however i cant do that with her, as i must keep things peaceful between us so i can arrange times and dates with her when i can take my son for a few days.

I can see when i look at the sex point in more detail, its like most of the time i dont really want to have sex with her, due to our differences, but i just give into fear that if i dont give her what she wants, then she will have a reason to want to try and leave the country or disapear or something, and then i wont see my son again, so thats the justification i hold as to why i give into fear of not having sex with her, which is just an assumption - unacceptable.

Also she has a tendency to buy him designer clothes when getting new items for him, while i find the idea of encouraging children to consume only the top designer names to be unacceptable. So occasionally i will start reacting to the fact she treats him like a barbie doll, but i mean i know its not important what we wear anyway, its about who we are within what we are wearing, so no need to start reacting about this.

My mother also came up with me today to drop off Malachi, and that was cool support, as she really assisted my sons mother to be able to see the facts all around her that the flat is damp.

Anyway this is not a case of going into blames about my sons mother, because i have been controlling my recations around her more effectivelly for about 8 months now, but there is some clear accumilated friction points existant here still, that i must release now, as they all steam from me, and that is best for all.

Help the "Heroes" reactions

So im having a look at points of reactive knowledge, that i have stored and defined myself according to, in relation to the military, and being around those that openly supports the armed forces.

So at work the other day, i was observing hundreds of shoppers in a mall, and as per usual with any venue, i was searching for beings that would be interested in receiving information and quotes for installing a solar system on a property.

Then at one point after i had just registered someone for some information, i looked up, and a guy was sitting on a seat about 100 yards from me. i looked at his t-shirt which said "Help the Heroes" on it, which is a charity that provides funding towards holidays, surgery, plastic surgery, cars, gifts and media for wounded soldiers.

As soon as i read the word i immediately reacted with an emotion of judgement and slight anger. I experienced like a jolt of energy throughout my physical body stemming from my solar plexus, and started getting alot of thoughts come up in relation to the military. I started going into chatter in my head of stuff like - "your such a dumb fucker, try placing yourself in the shoes of people who have had rape, murder and hunger enforced upon them through military action, and then tell me you support that bullshit abuse". I started going into these kind of ideas, and i allowed it to compromise my effectiveness at work for about 20 minutes after reading this guys t shirt.

Anyway after 20 minutes i stopped accumilating interest in the inital reaction, by speaking self forgiveness, slowing down within and as breathe, stopping myself placing value or attention in the thoughts that were coming up. But later in the car i began to ask myself how, why, when and where have i defined myself as having to react this way around people that support the military.

Upon further investigation, i can see that i have a tendency to react the same way around all people who openly support the military. For example my ex partner had a father who was a soldier for much of his life, and even then before walking my process i had the same internal reactions towards him, where i would go into judgement and anger whenever i was around him, although at the time i would just suppress this. And when he would talk about his love for the military or the country, then these kind of thoughts would come flooding in, and we would have occassional arguments about the military.

I can see when i look at my self within self honesty, that i still have ideas and beliefs about my process, that i am somehow so righteous and "good" in my ability to take self responsibility for myself and direct myself within self honesty. Wanting to be a "good" guy, like a hero that makes a change for the planet for the betterment of all living on the planet. Its like a self formulated idea of being a captain planet, or something, which was actually one of many cartoons i hugely enjoyed as a child although i found that i would often secretly hope in my mind that the bad guy in cartoons like this would win, which is interesting. And this obviously contributed to the build up and design of my personality.

I can see here that i am percieving those walking the process of self honesty as the heroes, and those that oppose desteni, those that are comfortable allowing abuse as the "bad" guys. But i am doing the same as the military supporters, in that allowing myself to exist in my mind as conflict and abuse whenever i see military supporters.

I mean it is a commonly understood truth, that most of what happens in the military disregards life, and supports systems of abuse. The military is proof that humans can be programmed to do the most obscene things to eachother, on a worldwide scale deemed legal and acceptable. But it also trains people to be able to accumilate knowledge and put it into physical action effectively.

Why am i allowing this knowledge to affect me, and make me unstable hy am i holding onto this knowledge, when it is just separating me from myself here as life as the directive principle of equality and oneness. I am just allowing myself to react to this knowledge, i am allowing this invisible back chat on this point to energetically restrain and divide me from myself as life in self honesty. I am the one allowing this polarity to exist, and so i must take self responsibility here to forgive myself and direct myself within self honesty to release this point from my existance.

Fear discussing Equality with older people

So yesterday evening i met a person that i have never met before, and i have been interested to meet this person for a few weeks. The reason i was interested in meeting the person, was because there is a possibility that they may be a future Destonian, because they emailed me saying they had been reading my blog and they liked it and agreed with the principle of equality and oneness.

Anyway so i met this person, and we had some cool discussion, and then she took me to a party of a workmate she knew, however the party was mostly people that were twice my age, so me and her were easily the two youngest people at this party.

However i noticed that i was compromising myself by experiencing uncomfortability towards the situation. It wasnt that i didnt know the people, as i have always been comfortable communicating with strangers. It was a room full of 15 people, i knew none of them were walking the process of self honesty, but that wasnt the problem, i mean im used to being around people that are not taking a stand for life. it was the age of most of the people in the room that i was reacting to. They were all old, around 60+ i would say, so it reminded me of work immediately, because the older generation is my target market at work.

And i mean because of the nature of pre programming, if a person is not challenging themselves and correcting themselves, then the older the person is - the more brainwashing and self definitions the person will have accumilated, which will make it harder for them to face and release points of self deception, thus i know it may be harder to discuss my process with an old person. But its fucked up, spite, because i go into this assumption around all old people i meet apart from my mother, and older destonians.

So i noticed at this party, that i was purposely supressing myself from discussing many desteni related topics, or offering assistance to a point of separation i could see in myself as them, due to fearing these older peoples reactions. As i allow this fear assumption to build around people much older then me, i start perceiving that they wouldnt appreciate any point in relation to equality and support because i am so much younger then them, and they would just say something like "who do you think you are telling me whats real, when i have experienced so much more then you."

And also from the level of alcohol being consumed, the music being played, and topics i heard people talking about, i didnt want to unintentionally offend anyone, or be branded "the weird one" at the party when its the first night any of these people have met me. And being as i was the only person at the party who wasnt drinking alcohol, i allowed that to add to my fear also. all bullshit ego, fears and anxieties i was participating in.

I mean i would put suggestions foward in conversations to people, but at somepoint in the conversation i would be holding myself back. For instance one lady was a bit drunk, and was talking to me about her hair, and how much she hates certain hairstyles. I responded by saying that hair is meaningless to me, and i just keep it bald to keep it practical, but i stopped there. I wanted to continue, and speak about the self definitions we all have in relation to hair, the separations created by humans through hair, and the environmental reasons also, but i gave into my fear and just stopped talking there.

So i was reacting, and going into my mind during most of this party, was about halfway through that i started releasing these points through breathe, and was remaining stable for the duration. its fascinating though upon further investigation, while driving back home after the party, that i am used to suppressing what i really want to say to a person at work around older people, where i am mainly selling to older people. I mean i have to stick to solar panels and money in conversations at work in order to maintain sales, and keep my job.

Also interesting that i do the same most of the time around my grandad, because of his accepted programming, i dont want to offend him, and i go into fears, and assupmtions that i will, and thus do not dicuss points in relation to my process with him. Occassionally i discuss with my grandad about a certain point, or the equal money system, but most of the time i just avoid speaking about equality with older people out of fear. But when i am around people my age, i have no problem going deep into equality in discussion, even if i have only known them for a minute or two.

So i can see how this is creating a polarity point of me percieving its "good" to discuss equality with people around my age, and "bad" to discuss equality with people much older then me.

Yes fearing discussing equality around old people, interesting multi layered point for me, as i have spent so much of my younger life purposefully going against the older generation, attempting to offend old people intentionally because i could see at a young age that it was the old people who are in control of this money system, and so they are apparently to blame.

Its like i expect all old people should know by now how to live self honestly and stand as equality and oneness in this world, why should i attempt to help "them"? As if they are something different to me. Then i see most older people are not applying themselves to a system of equality, and they are apparently then the ones i must blame. So instead of supporting the old person as myself in a discussion, i just go into fears and judgments against them existing in my mind, which is dishonesty, its simply unacceptable, i mean we are all equally valid as life, and all equally responsible for the world as ourselves. So its cool to realize this point, and thus now have the opportunity to direct the point to a system of equality thats best for all.

I have been pushing the point more recently, but its time to take a stand now, and stop this point in totality, so that i am fully able to support myself as another, by sharing my experience walking my process unconditionally with anyone of any age group. So as to provide suggestions of how the person can support themselves on a similar point that i have faced and released in my process, and so we both have the best opportunity to open up and share cool points.

22/01/11 - The vocabulary of others

So today i have been looking at points of self judgement, self loathing and guilt in relation to conversations i hear people having.

At work today there was a point in the day where i was listening to two women talking to eachother not far from me. And when i was listening i noticed they were speaking about various relationships with family, friends and partners. And then i noticed that as i was hearing this conversation, i started going into ideas in my head judging and loathing the women as ignorant and stupid. i may have been correct and they are not very well educated, but the point is that in a two minute period of hearing this conversation i had hundreds of judgemental, loathsome thoughts about the two participants.

After a few minutes i realised what was happening, and i applied the four breathe count, and utilizing writing the thoughts on paper, self forgiveness and breathe, i pushed myself out of my mind and back here in and as the physical as breathe of life.

Then i started asking myself, why did i start going into this judgemnet of others, projecting harmful thoughts? How did this happen? And i noticed for one point, that they were using alot of slang in their conversation, and i reacted to that use of slang. And when i consider the fact that about 7 years ago i was using slang constantly, and on purpose to attract attention, and intentionally cause confusion. However just about a few years before walking my process, i started to instead experience a point of self loathing whenever i would use slang, and i would force myself to stop.

So this is showing me that i percieve through my minds ego that my vocabulary now is so much more effective in communicating then slang, so much "better" then my memory of using slang. Without considering that my judgement of anothers words and reaction to it, is actually just me judging myself, and defending my position in my mind as "superior" as ego, and i mean this is all by design, the education system is totally unequal, thus we have unequal understanding in depth and context of vocabulary. Thus the divisions of class is constantly misunderstanding eachother, because of the wide variations in phrases used used to communicate.

Speaking clearly and directly, and expanding my vocabulary is something that i have been doing since i started process, which enables me to understand a wider variety of words, and thus is best for all. And just because most people are not aware of this currently, and do not speak like me, that does not make me "better" in anyway, but i can see how i have been deluding myself to think so. In an equal money system, everyone will speak openly, clearly, directly, and with the widest variety of vocabulary, so that all would have an equal understanding of as many words as possible with which to express themselves, and nobody would have any reason to use slang to confuse people.

Then on one of my breaks, i bumped into these two girls again, and as i walked past them, i started reacting by experiencing guilt over what i had been thinking about earlier. And when i look back in my memory, i can see that there has been so many instances, where i have caused someone harm in thought or physically, and then after experiencing this guilt over it. Like its a point of regret where i would be always wishing in the mind that i could go back in time. I pushed the point, remaining within and as breathe, and released the point of guilt. As any point does, it will require my continuous application as and when needed, to stop myself from judging strangers as stupid, and then experiencing guilt about it afterwards.

So i stop here as the solution to the problem that i am creating, within self honesty until these points of self deception are here no further -

Cars

So cars are used by alot of people in the world, and it is obviously dependant on the level of a persons income as to weather or not a car can be acquired. Petrol and Diesel is predominantly used as the fuel to keep the car moving, although these chemicals are not creating a fuel that is most efficient and best for all. Renewable technology being used as the main fuel of cars have been in development for a longtime, but as of yet have not been installed as the standard required from all cars.

Petrol and Diesel are not renewable, and are simply a point that exposes this this capitalist money system based on survival, scarcity, never having enough. Thus these fuels are always becoming more valuable as less of it is around, making the cost of fuel needed to move a car ever increasing. Solar technology, Oxygen, Water, Electric etc have already been tried and tested. So In a equal money system the government will makesure that nobody has to pay for the fuel that goes into a car, renewable energy will be the main fuel of all cars, which will be much more practical, best for the planet and our lungs, and could save lives in life or death situations.

And when i have a look at the point of cars in relation to my process i see some points that come up for me -

Like today after i finished work i was driving back home, and at one point i was waiting on a red light. And in the lane next to me was a man driving an expensive looking Maserati. I looked at him, and i reacted by experiencing jealousy where a polarity is always created by saying that what this person has is "good" to me, but its "bad" that they have it when i want it. Comparison, Superiority/Inferiority complex, and Jealousy only comes up when i start self doubting myself, when i am going into the mind and not completely comfortable with myself here, when im reacting to some point that another has and i do not share it equally.

So when i am experiencing jealousy its just one way to realize that i am still holding onto knowledge as the mind consciousness system that is not supportive of life. its cool to flag myself within the moment of experiencing the jealousy that i am not standing within and as self honesty as life in every moment and so it is unacceptable.

I mean a car no matter how fucking expensive it is, is just a vehicle with which one can travel from A - B. Some are more expensive then others based on the company that made it, the intricacies and time take to design it, the model and the age of the model. Anything i add ontop of that is just me going into the mind to turn cars into something more then what it is.

I mean i have noticed also the physical playout of allowing this jealousy to be experienced so many times in the past in relation to cars, for example when i am on the motorway and i am driving behind a car that is less expensive then mine, then i will attempt to overtake them immediately, speed limit permited of course. But when i am driving behind an expensive car, i am content to stay behind the car, because i can sit their imagining what it is like to drive that expensive car, and that if i stay behind the car, i am kind of with that car as some sort of unassigned security car entourage lol - fucked up, and clearly self creating another polarity point here.

Sometimes im not aware that i am doing it, and then i will realise that even though this guy infront of me is driving very slowly, i have been sticking behind him for over 20 miles - wtf. So basically i have been sporadically aware of these points about cars for a longtime, but i have done nothing about it, so it has compounded for a while ever since i started driving i think, but even further back when i consder growing up, being taught by adults what constitutes a rich, powerful, "good" car, and what constitutes a poor, weak "bad" car.

Then conversely when i am in the overtaking lane and someone comes up behind me, i have noticed that i will check the car out first as to weather or not i will move lanes to let them overtake me. So some definte ignorant ego points here, because i will change lanes quicker for an expensive car, and slower for a less expensive car its like: let the "good" car overtake me, but the "bad" car can wait, even though it doesnt matter what car you are in as to weather or not a person is rushing, i should be allowing all cars to pass me that are rushing - unconditionally and thus best for all. So more polarity im looking at here

i mean me fucking around behind the wheel like this has had me pulled over by police alot of times in my driving career of 7 years. 3 years ago was very frequent, in that i used to be totally erractic and selfish behind the wheel all the time. Interesting that a persons level of inner stability (or lack there of) is shown clearly in how they drive.

So also a point from my gang past, where within the gang years ago, i was used to looking out for police in daily interaction, weather i was in a car or walking around, so i could get a head start in the get away to hide my weapons/drugs, or if i matched the description of someone connected to a crime they hadnt yet solved. And i see how im still carrying that, but only when im behind the wheel, where i will often be looking at the driver and passenger in the car that i overtake or if they overtake me, or keeping an eye on them in my mirror. Checking weather or not there is any tell tale signs of undercover police, keeping this point in existance needlessly when i dont live a life running from accountability or police anymore.

Also is a point of speed, which used to be a huge problem, now it is not happening often as i have learnt from warnings, breathalizers, drug tests, and speeding points in my driving career. But still now i find occassionally i will start going 100mph+ to get an energetic buzz, regardless of weather im late or not, and when i am late for a meeting or something, then i start justifying why i am going so fast, which makes no difference to police, and is clearly unacceptable. I dont do this when my mum or son is in the car, but when i am on my own on the motor way is when it comes up and i often will participate in the idea. Interesting to note that when i have music playing in the car loudly then i often will react to the music, and then start building speed according to my interest in the track im listening to - allowing myself to be energetically possessed by music - unacceptable.

So i stand here as the living word of Equality, as the solution required to the problem of me existing as the mind consciousness system. Time to stick to a self honest starting point in relation to cars and driving from this breathe here onwards.

Into the Wild

So i have recently watched this film, and it brought up some points for me that i thought i would share as i saw of alot of my own individual programming and personality in the main character.

So this film is a true story of a a man called Christopher McCandless who was an excellent student and athlete and got University Masters degrees. Then one day he decides to give his entire life savings of $24,000 to a charity, and go and live in the alaskan wilderness without money to support himself.

Christophers character has some cool points, in that he has absolutely no fear of what others think of him, he cannot be influenced by others around him, he seems to be the same Chris around every person. He has absolutely no fear of getting dirty, he seems to enjoy getting dirty and interacting with nature, which is cool. He is adamant that there must be a total restructuring of human existance and interaction in this world to something based on simplicity which is cool (although his story gets more complicated as it goes on). Also he has no fear of letting go of his attatchment to money or items, so he is not greedy for money, but rather other forms of energy.

So immeditaely we have the hero light worker, always attempting to be good and be "free" in a world system that does not allow freedom. Christopher recognizes that this accepted and allowed state of humanity is unacceptable, but his answer to this is to run away from the system. Then he attempts to live a life that is as extreme as possible, unkowingly to him as selfish as possible, and the apparent most "in touch" with nature way of living.

I am mean what comes up clearly for me throughout this film, is the total and utter disregard for whats best for all in the name of self interest. Chris meets alot of people on the way to Alaska, each being attempts to support him to see how crazy what he is doing really is. And then he will support these people for a bit, and everytime it looks like he may settle, he just says fuck off to existance, and to those that have supported him in the name of his selfish pursuit of uneccessary extremes, and the ultimate experience.

So i thought it was interesting to note that this film actually promotes self interest, but is sold as a film "with a heart" and all of that. Then we can see in the world how we as humanity will do things like this, where we will disregard whats best for all in the name of acquiring the most energy possible from a particular activity or experience. This idea that we can run away from the system, that we can hide ourselves from the abuse existant here as ourselves and this world, that we can engulf ourselves in some extreme activities, and just forget about everyone else, and take no accountability for the whole.

Also another point is the points of ego and abuse, because Chris puts himself in situations that he doesn't need to be in. Where he will be starving, living on the street, having no money, all self inflicted by his ego of resisting money, his unwillingness to participate in this world, and this obsession of finding an "enlightened" state of living. I mean he comes from a rich family, so it is an insult to starving people who have not forced themselves to starve from some self interested egotistical mindfuck, but have actually been allowed to starve and die because they have no money given to them. This mindfuck also causes him to directly kill and butcher alot of animals and plants to feed himself

In a scene near the start he burns his remaining money after giving most of it to charity, but its fascinating that as the film goes on, he has to come to the realisation that he does need money and must work to get some. But his ego is constantly resisting this fact, and thus his ego kills him in the end from starvation in the wild.

This film for me also exposes lightworkers, spiritualists and people that are likely to try what Christopher McCandless tried. It really exposes the deception of religious brainwashing, where people fanatically cut themselves off from reality in their mind, and start believing shit like god will protect me, and "aslong as i have the light of god, and live in nature" then nothing else in this world matters, i dont require anything else apparently.

Christopher is religious in the lightworker vein, and he literally super imposes his knowledge, ideas and beliefs onto this one physical reality, and considers it to be real. To Christopher the thoughts in his mind, the emotions and feelings he experiences is just as real as this physical reality. He is an awesome character to expose spiritualists, where he doesnt even know the difference between illusion and reality.

Interms of his knowledge of law/politics and how the money system operates, he is like a child, with no understanding of what actually governs the world now which is exposed in many scenes. He is instead actually convinced that he can resist this system and live out delusion as reality, so its fascinating that the further he loses himself in his minds delusions, then the worse his health and standard of living becomes. because he is more focused on accumilating mental relationships instead of accumilating the physical ones, the ones that matter, in matter.

Also this film like most mainstream films is a story of a persons inability to forgive themselves and let go of hateful thoughts, feelings and emotions in relation to his family. He is like a person on an ultimate vendetta with his parents because they fought all the time in abusive arguments, and also Chris was a bastard son, and so becomes a person harming themselves repeatedly to attempt to spite their parents in a form of long term revenge. I mean his whole inconsiderate hike into the wilderness is fuelled by his hate for his parents, and his desire to escape them and everything they stand for. Its like he seems to be thirsting in desire, and desperate to proove to his parents that he is nothing like them, and he will even slowly kill himself to proove this point just out of spite.

At one point near the end, when he is about to leave another person who would like him to stay. Its an old man who took him in for a bit gives him a talk, where he basically says stop hating your parents, because forgiveness is the key to have real love. When i watched that scene i reacted, and said to myself "thats so fucking cool that he said that, but its just missing the word self before forgiveness" But anyway it is the single greatest verbal support Chris recieves throughout his travels, but due to his ego, and idea that "i am always right" "i know the best way to live" he fails to practically apply much knowledge he is taught by characters along the way.

So he certainly fails to apply self forgivness for the rest of the film, however its fascinating that when he is about ready to die near the very end after he is poisoned. He realizes again that forgiveness is the key, but it is filmed in a way that implies he is going to heaven when he realizes this. And when you look at society its fascinating that this is a commonly held belief in many religions and beliefs allowed by the human, where it is believed that aslong as you get into ideas of forgiveness for abuse when you are about to die, then you will be saved in the afterlife -
Dont apply forgiveness as and when required, just do it all at once in a crescendo of emotion at the end of your life, i mean this programmes people to avoid forgiveness in there day to day living, point by point, here while we are alive. but instead find a way of getting into ideas of forgiveness close to death as a "golden ticket" to heaven lol - fucked up

Alot of points came up for me, but thats all for now in relation to this film.
cheers

The left foot before the right foot?

Interesting that im right handed, but when i put my shoes and socks on in the morning, i noticed yesterday that i have a tendency to put a sock on my left foot first before my right foot everytime i put socks on.

I stopped and considered where did i learn this knowledge that i apparently must put the left sock on before the right one, and the left shoe before the right one? why am i still allowing this point to exist when it does not make a difference what sock i put on first? Why have i placed value on the left sock first?

When i look back into my memory i remember being about 10 years old, and watching a clip on tv of a football star i adored at the time. Now i played alot of youth team football at this time, and this star on tv that i idolised was being interviewed about how he prepares for a cup final match. I remember his exact words, where at one point he said "its also just the little things you know, like putting your left sock on before your right one, just silly things to try and get a bit of luck" so this clearly imprinted on me as the starting point of my allowance for this belief to exist, and ever since that day i have always put a sock on my left foot before my right one and believing it to be lucky in some way lol - how fucking ridiculous.

Fascinating on further investigation of this point i found that it is a commonly held superstition believed to be lucky in England when i told my mother about this. I have stopped all forms of belief in superstition since walking my process, i mean before process i was actually believing its lucky to see two magpies together, you should never walk under a ladder its bad luck, heads is more lucky then tails in coin flip, opening umbrellas inside is bad luck. i mean these are classic english superstitions that i have long since released.

However, here i am still holding onto this form knowledge, and this superstitious belief being so deeply ingrained, that i was totally unaware of my participation in this belief for a longtime until yesterday. Now i am aware of it.

So i stop here, and take self responsibility to direct and delete this belief out of existance -

Wednesday 19/01/11 reactions and application

So today i woke up at 8.30 am, and then because i didnt direct myself immediately to respond to the alarm, i relaxed back into my mind for what seemed a moment, then i opened my eyes again and it was 9.15am "oh shit" im supposed to be at a team meeting 6 miles away at 9.30am - immediate disapointment and anger towards my self and self judgement "im the assistant manager for fuck sake, this is so unacceptable"i said to myself. So rushing my clothes on falling down the stairs, as i made a coffee and jumped into the car seat, i began experiencing some anxiety throughout my body, when a thought arrived in my head about what my boss is going to say to me, when im late for the first meeting of the new year - fear of a "what if" he is angry with me, an assumption, a made up idea - not real.

Then reversed out of my drive very quickly, and started driving quickly to the meeting. Texting my boss while driving to say im late, i look down for a second, i look up, red light! - STOP slow down, i applied the handbrake. Then i applied the four count breathe ---- just started sticking to each breathe here and releasing my anxiety and fearful thoughts through self forgiveness. I became calm here in full awareness that in no way can anything change this point of what i have allowed. I am going to be late and thats it, why allow this to generate thoughts and energy and effect me in anyway? so i stop here in this breathe and take self responsibility as the directive principle to stop my participation within and as the mind.

At the meeting i walked in the door, and greeted everyone, there was only 6 people in the room, and the boss infront of a white board. I had another reaction of anxiety when he stared at me, i applied four count breathe then he greeted me, and as i collected my bacon sandwhich and coffee off the table, i noticed he was not openly pissed off with me. interesting that within the bubble of my mind i assumed that my boss would be so pissed at me. I always find it interesting when a point like this comes up, that verifies how overtly ambiguous and almost "dramatic" the pre programmed minds perception of reality is in relation to any fears/anxieties experienced. Always based on the premise of "what if"

So i remained stable the rest of the meeting and enjoyed sharing and raising points in relation to the job and future targets of the team. Then after the meeting i went to work, and it was in a new store that i have not worked at before. And when i get there the stand was small and looking in rough shape and i noticed there was two exits for customers in this store, which was halving the amount of people i could talk to as i was on my own. So a thought popped in my head of "wow this is probably going to be a tough day"

So after a few hours of being there i begin to start going into the ego, and reacting to peoples no's when i approach them, handling rejection in a stable maner is of the upmost importance in sales. I start experiencing frustration at my stands postioning, frustration at the store choice, annoyance at the company, pissed off at my lack of leads, i basically began blaming everything on the company. Thought i better have a break which i did, where i sat in the car and breathed, slowed down, then i considered that regardless of how tough the store is, why am i allowing myself to blame another for how i am experiencing myself here? Why am i letting this get to me? I stop Here. i applied self forgiveness outloud on these points, got out of the car and went back to work.

For the rest of the day i stopped paying attention to any thoughts about unfairness, annoyance and blame. I stuck to breathing, remaining stable in my experience within working, not reacting to people that dont show an interest in my product. And as i was sticking to what needed to be physically done here in relation to the job, instead of going into my mind about it, i got the results, and ended up on the company target of 7 leads, 2 double numbers and 1 provisional appointment, with the last 3 leads coming in the last 30 minutes of my shift

The point is that if i had not directed myself, and just allowed my thoughts to run rampant and play out, then i would have ended up on alot less leads, had twice as many breaks, almost certainly would have left work early, and in general avoided putting the labour time in required for my alloted shift. Was cool to work with and stop these reactions through self corrective application, which allowed me to have the most effective day possible after a shit start

Tuesday 18/01/11 Reactions

So last night i went to bed at about 5.30am, today i woke up at 11.45 am, and it was another day off work. I wanted to test out if i could wake up late again, without any reactions towards myself about it like i usually have. So i was ready to wake up late today expecting the same reactions of self judgement as when i went to bed the night before, so when i woke up and saw the clock say 11.45 am i had the usual reactions manifested as thoughts about me being unworthy, lazy, slow in process, stuck in dream land etc. However i applied self forgiveness by simply stating outloud "i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in relation to my sleep pattern." i focused on me as breathe here, and then directed myself to get up.

I didnt feel as heavy as the day before, and after applying myself i remained stable here as breathe with no heaviness experience. I have found that if i dont apply myself on this self judgement i experience, then i feel heavy, tired, lethargic for the most of the day as a manifested consequence of my acceptance and allowance as the mind as energy. So it was cool to release this self judgement experience, and i will continue to delete these thoughts of self judgment in relation to sleep as and when they come up, until they are here no more.

So then i went downstairs, where the dogs greeted me as per usual, I made a cup of Coffee and had two bananas. Then i said morning to my mum and i noticed that she was dressed in her horse riding gear, to which i reacted and remembered that my mum wants to go horse riding today. Immediately there was selfish thoughts of "why does she have to go horse riding today" "dont rush me" "i want to get a few bits of food shopping first before doing anything else" Then this resentment that i have spoken about before in relation to my mother came up again, to which i immediately began applying myself with spoken self forgiveness on these thoughts, i said -

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience resentment towards my mother, because i percieve in my self interest that what i want has more weight of value, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to my mother, and blame her for why i am experiencing what im experiencing now, i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand within and as whats best for all in every moment, in every hereness of each breathe. Then i applied the four count breathe, and remained stable within and as breathe, thus releasing this reaction of resentment to my mother wanting to go horse riding. However this reaction towards my mother does still come up occassionally, and so requires my immediate action any time i react to her in anyway, so i will continue to apply myself with the neccessary tools as and when required, until it is not existing in anyway whatsoever.

So then i went upstairs to get ready to drive my mum to the stables, and i briefly checked a few emails, before making a new cd to play in the car, which consisted of rap, trance, rock, chillout, classical, and desteni audio clips. Anyway after spending some time comprising this cd, i looked at the clock and realised "oh shit its 1.30 pm" knowing that my mums appointment at the stables was at 2.00 pm, and the stables my mum goes to is about 10 miles away, so i had to start moving faster. i have noticed this before in relation to making a new music cd, where i will be downloading music, and will get completely stuck in the bubble of my mind, entertaining myself by searching for tracks i havent heard in years, and i will completely lose track of time. Music is awesome to listen to and to express self in self honesty, however to aimlessly listen to music for hours while certain responsibilites need to be done is unacceptable.

So i made a note of this point on a piece of paper before i left at 1.45 pm, then i spoke outloud in the car "i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to entertain myself in self interest at the expense of another, when i have tasks to complete" then i breathed and carried on driving.

On the drive down to the stables, my mum started getting a bit emotional about things, by declaring that we would be late, and its all my fault if we are late, im going the long way, and we should have left earlier. By this time it was around 1.50pm and we were only about 5 miles away, so i knew we would make it ok in time, i was stable. So my main concern here was to support my mother in releasing these fears she had by explaining to her that we were getting close, but when she stopped responding to what i was saying i stopped talking. We arrived at the stables at 1.58 pm, so my mother at that time apologized to me for reacting and assuming that we would be late. I said rather then look for forgiveness in me, better to apply self forgiveness so that you can take self responsibility for the thought next time it comes up and release it yourself.

While my mum was riding, i was hungry so i went to get some lunch, and i didnt want to go far , as i knew that my mum would only be riding for an hour. The closest place to eat was a Mcdonalds, which brought up some resistances in me, of not wanting to eat there. I mean its common sense that fast food is not beneficial food to eat for the body, as the film supersize me documents. However it is this idea of only ever wanting to eat healthy food as "good", that is creating the polarity point within me of wanting to avoid fastfood and eating "bad". Im not a vegatarian, but this is a point i assume most veggies deal with.

Fastfood also brings up memories for me in relation to my days participating in a criminal gang, where most of the time i would eat fastfood, and in general eat with total disregard of whats best for my body, which only re affirms my idea of fastfood being "bad" "in the gang" and healthier food as "good" "out out of the gang". So it was only mcdonalds, and a pub that was close, these were all that was here for me, the papershop to get a healthier option was about 6 miles away. So instead of resisting this fastfood, i worked with whats here, i simply applied self forgiveness on these ideas, breathed through the resistance to fast food and ordered myself mcdonalds to eat.

I tend to do this once every two weeks, or once a month, where i will just push through my resistance to fastfood stop thinking myself to be above it, realize it is here now and eat it, so im pushing myself to be able at anytime to eat what is here, and stop getting judgemental about it. I made a note of the memories of "the gang" that came up in relation to fast food that i will be investigating further and deleting as and when required, to remain stable here within and as breathe.

Then i picked up my mum, who enjoyed the horse riding alot, on the drive back we went to castlepoint to get a few bits of shopping that we missed the day before. I parked the car, and put up my mums disability badge on the dashboard, as we were parked in a disabled bay. A few girls watched me do this, to which i reacted and i was experiencing myself as being embarressed for a moment, which upon further investigation does come up everytime a group of girls watch me get out of the car, when i am with my mother parked in a disabled bay. Ridiculous i said to myself, so i applied the four count breathe, and spoke self forgiveness outloud on this embarresment, at which time they gave me a look of uncertainty, and walked on, my mother laughed at this lol, i enjoyed realising and releasing this point.

I mean this is purely an ego issue, of me wanting to impress another, which is always ego, wanting to project myself as a powerful, dominante, successful male, that is relationship worthy and experiencing that idea being diminished when i am with my mother - thus embarressment infront of groups of girls my age. so i will be paying attention to this point and applying myself accordingly as and when required.

So we did the shopping, nothing of note came up here apart from at the counter i was surprised by the price of what i had in my trolley, but i knew it was my fault for mis calculating the price along the way, and it was all stuff we needed. I had a tough week monetarily at work, so some thoughts came up of "take a bit of stuff back" out of a fear of not having enough money in one of my accounts to get to the next week. However i refused to give in to this thought, i had enough money, so i just did a four count breathe and paid for it all.

Back at home, the dogs were happy to see us back, tails wagging, and lots of repeated licking then my mum made diner, while i played with the dogs and did some research online. After diner i fed the animals, and did the washing up.

Then i relaxed and watched some football on tv, and i noticed while i was watching this football, that i was reacting and getting emotional about some of the decisions from the referee. I mean the corruption was clear in some of the referees decisions, but the fact that i was letting that affect myself and my stability was unaceptable. So as i noticed this, i applied self forgiveness outloud on the point of getting emotionally involved with sports games, and slowed myself down within and as breathe.

And upon further investigation i have noticed that i only ever react and get emotional to a sport when it is football or martial arts. So i wrote this point down and decided to look further into this, as to why it is only these two sports i get emotionally involved with? what am i reacting to? how is this reaction operating? And what was the starting point for getting emotional with these two sports? So that i can correct myself to a stable self honest, best for all starting point in relation to sports.

After the football, i watched a few desteni videos, and here i am now typing my day out before i go to bed.

Thats all for today
Thanks for reading

Monday 17/01/11 Reactions

So today i woke up at 12pm, i had a day off work and the night before i went to bed at about 5.30 am. I am noticing some points in relation to sleep that seem to come up very often, where i find that i experience myself in totally different ways according to what time i wake up. Because today i experienced this shame at getting up so late, i seem to be allowing this self judgement every time i get up after 12pm so i am looking closely at this point. I start going into ideas of me being a waste of space, a lazy bastard that is worth nothing. And from what i can see within myself, this harsh judgement of myself is due to an idea that i have about process, where i will believe that a person must be up immediately at the crack of dawn every day ready to effectively applying themselves physically here, best for all, otherwise the person is somehow unworthy of process. So i start judging myself as unworthy of process because i have woken up at 12pm, and this comes up every time i get up in the afternoon. Anyway then i applyed self forgiveness on this thought, and i am continuing to do so as and when this self judgements come up.

I also notice that when i have a day off work, that i will always push myself to stay up later, but if i have work the next day i will be in bed before 2 am so i can be up at 8 am therefore having 6 hours sleep. I mostly attempt to adhere to 6 hours sleep, because i seem much less tired when i stick to 6 hours, however some nights i will have less then 3 hours sleep, and will find myself very tired in the morning. Ocassionally i will sleep more then 8 hours, and i find it has the same effect on me as sleeping less then 3 hours, where i will be very tired. But anyway the point is that when i know i dont have to go to work the next day, and as it gets to about 1am, i get these thoughts in my head of "i must push myself to stay up" and "i must have 6 hours sleep". So if i go to bed at 5am i will attempt to get up at 12pm, sticking to 6 hours, even though this isnt best for everybody in my house. My dogs and my mum will be up at around 10am, and will require support, so i experience a feeling of guilt before i go to bed when its 5 am time, because i know that if i get up after 12pm, it is because i am going into self interest points of "i must have my sleep no matter what" "i dont give a fuck about anyone else, i must have 6 hours sleep" So on my days off work, i will be pushing the point of getting up at a time that is best for everybody in the house, regardless of what time i have been to bed.

Also briefly to add on this multi faceted point for me of sleep patterns, it seems that when i do push myself to get up early i experience a feeling of pride. This happens every time i wake up early, where i start saying shit in my head like "well done Marley" "you are so good for getting up early" . So this is showing me that i experience myself to as inferior if i wake up late, or superioir if i wake up early. So this also requires correction, so that i can stop all movements in relation to what time i wake up, and just stick to a sleep pattern that is best for all, and stop myself from physically playing out thoughts, feelings or emotions, about sleep.

Ok so after getting up at 12pm, i went downstairs, where my dogs greeted me at the bottom of the stairs immediately, and my mum said hello. The dogs followed me into the kitchen and i again experienced thoughts of me being unworthy, lazy or unfit for this process, just like i did when i first woke up, because i knew my dogs had been up for over 3 hours. So i applied spoken Self Forgiveness on this point. Then i made a cup of coffee, and had 2 bananas to eat while watching a few desteni videos.

Then my mum asked if i could clean out the shed in the garden, which had become very cluttered with lawnmowers, plant pots, chairs, broken solar panels, garden tools, and in alot of stuff in general, it was so cluttered that it was impossible to get into the shed door lol. So when my mum asked me to clean out the shed, i had this immediate resistance to doing so because i wanted to instead check my emails, and spend another hour browsing videos. However as the thoughts of "i dont like this" started coming up, i realised that it was simply ego as the mind attempting to keep me fickle in entertainment. So i applied the equality equation, and realised that cleaning out the shed would be best for all, so that me and my mother would be able to access the shed more effectively when required, so i utilized self forgiveness and the four count breathe and directed myself to do it by stopping the mind.

Cleaning out the shed took about 2 hours, as there was alot of stuff in there, no reactions noticeable throughout apart from a punch bag at the back of the shed that fired of a load of memories about martial arts training years ago. Behind the punch bag was a wolf spider slightly smaller then my hand, that i accidently disturbed, to which i reacted to with fear upon finding him intially, i took half a step back, i laughed and experienced slight uncomfortability, mainly at my surpise at his size, because i hadnt seen one this big in my shed or house before. The spider also seemed to react to being disturbed, by walking up the shed wall quickly, so then i slowed down, applied self forgiveness and breathed through this fear of the spider, then i continued to clean out the shed. Interesting that once i directed myself a second after finding this spider, that the spider seemed to relax aswel, then he stayed next to me on the shed wall while i continued cleaning, i called him Archibold

Then i had some lunch, then i took 8 full black bags of rubbish to the rubbish dump where it was disposed of. While at the rubbish dump, i had a memory come up as i parked the car, because in my last job as a support worker, there was one day -
where i had to drop off a load of rubbish at the dump. So I was driving a transit van full of broken wardrobes and stuff, and when i got to the dump, i parked the van on a hill. Anyway i opened the back of the van, and started taking stuff out, and as i got out the second time and went over towards the large bin, i then heard a loud snap behind me. i looked back and the transit van was rolling down the hill because i hadnt applied the handbrake effectively, and i noticed it was rolling straight towards an expensive looking Audi.

So i dropped everything, and ran towards the van in a desperate attempt to stop the van hitting this expensive car, because i knew it could cost me my job. But by the time i got to the van it was too late, so all i could do was jump infront of the van before it hit the audi, and then crunch! extreme pain as i find my left leg trapped in between the van and the audi. as i was screaming in agony the labourers working at the dump came to my aid, and the owner of the audi ran back to his car, and released the handbrake on the audi to free my leg, and the labourers jumped into the van to engage the handbrake. i felt huge relief as my leg was freed, i fell to the ground, and lyed on the floor waiting for the amubulance. The doctors said i was lucky the van was only going about 10mph when it trapped my leg in between the audi, because if the van was going 5 mph faster then my leg would have certainly been badly broken in multiple places.

So everytime i go to the dump i have this memory come up of being in pain, and when i parked my car, i did it on the hill like the van all those years ago. I looked at my mum in the passenger seat and we both laughed as i mentioned about this event in the past, and i double checked my handbrake was fully on before i started unloading the rubbish bags from the shed i did a four count breathe realised that accessing this memeory right now is not practical, and so i carried on working with whats here and what required to be done.

Then i drove to the bank to pay child support to my sons mother, i have her bank details, so i just deposit money every two weeks into her account. As i walk into the bank i experience thoughts of hope, and feelings of annoyance. Hope that one day my son will be living with me, and the mother will have joined desteni and stand for life. Annoyance that my son lives 150 miles away from me, and annoyance that the mother is not even willing to research desteni or equal money let alone applying herself. I experience this hope and annoyance everytime i go to the bank to pay my child support, which does not serve me or anyone else in any beneficial way, and is just making the experience and uncomfortable one, everytime i feed into it and allow it to replay. So i stopped applied self forgiveness outloud and breathed through the points, and i must continue to do so as and when they come up, until here no further, so i can pay my child support with no movements at all.

Then after the bank i went and did some food shopping, and from what i saw today, i tend to have an addiction to buying long lasting food, food that is still edible past 2014. I have noticed this before, and i have accumilated alot of tins in my house, perhaps over 300 cans of "longlife" stored food. This is clearly showing me that i have a fear of not having enough, a fear of running out of food, attempting to fight to survive as a personality and an ego. So i applied the four count breathe, and stopped my participation in this fear and purchased only what i required. This point will require my continous application everytime it comes up until here no further, otherwise i will just contiue to accumilate more longlasting food that i dont actually need.

So then i went home, relaxed for a while, watched a few more videos, ate diner, fed the animals, and then pushed through the resistance to doing washing. I find washing up pots and pans to be a cool point of self support in my process, where i support myself by sticking to breathe, getting the washing done and pushing through any resistances of wanting to avoid washing. Also the point of cleaning up the consequence of my participation, so the diner has been made, now the consequence is in front of me, which is the washing, and no matter how i think, feel or get emotional, the wahsing has to be done and thats that. So its cool to support myself through washing up item by item, utilizing breathe to release any mind stuff about it while doing it.

Then after that i have just finished watching a film called downfall, a german film about Hitlers last days in 1945 Berlin. I enjoyed this film alot, because from my perspective, i found the actor Bruno Ganz to give a decent portrayal of Hitlers character, and the film in general to be a decent account of events in WW2. Borught up some points in relation to the equal money system for me, and i have found upon further investigation that everytime i think of, see a picture, or hear Hitlers voice, that i start thinking about the Equal Life Foundation, and how its members will not be possessed by emotions and insanity, but will have a similar sense of self empowerment, and self will that Hitler had.

Anyway thats all for today, will contuinue tommorow.
Thanks for reading

Clothing reactions - Gangs, Ego, Polarity, Judgements

So im looking at a point of clothing, and reactions that i have noticed within myself in relation to my own clothing and the cothing of others.

7 years ago in my life, the clothing i wore was strictly that which is defined as "gangster" style of clothing within the context of how rappers and predominantly black and hispanic gangs dress, which is majority of the time involving alot of baggy tops and trousers (that may be very expensive "designer" items, depending on the income of the gang obviously), aswel as very often focusing on having some form of jewels or "precious items" on the body as a means to project power, status over another, "extra" respect, and thus manipulation onto those that see them. The more expensive the "precious item" is, then the more it is valued by the wearer and others that seek and desire expensive items, so i participated in this idea.

Also was a huge focus on having some item that can cover the face fully and quickly, such as bandanas, masks, balaclavas, sun glasses, hoodies etc and basically anything that the wearer can hide themselves behind, so as to make it difficult for anyone (especially police) to be able to identify them. Anonymity. A dishonest starting point to avoid accountability for the abuse i would allow in my physical interaction and in myself, so i would do this also.

However since applying effective self forgiveness on these points of self validated separation where i would use clothing, jewelry and sunglasses as a form of self deception, from a total dishonest starting point in relation to dress appearance. Since my application on these points I now dress practically in my day to day living in clothing that supports me to function as effectively as possible in this world. I mean clothing is not relevant, because it is only relevant who i am accepting and allowing myself to be within wearing any particular item of clothing. However, i now wear clothes that fit my body correctly, and that do not have any uneccesary impractical size enlargements, or bits of material that hang off or drag, where as before my clothes would very often be ridiculously over sized, at times to the point where you could nearly fit 3 marleys inside one pair of my trousers lol.

i used to, but i do not wear chains anymore simply due to their impracticality in day to day living for me in my world. i mean i enjoy physical exercise, and i always have, and in any case, for me its not practical wearing items that can catch onto something or whip round and hit me or someone else. The chains i would wear, would be sometimes very long down to me stomach, so, would sometimes hit me in the face in quiete a few instances i can remember lol.

I have never worn earings full stop, however i used to wear multiple rings, where as now i mostly wear no rings, once every few months i sometimes wear a single ring for a day, and i makesure that it is a cheap ring, so as to face a definition from my memory of wearing cheap jewelry to be "bad". So now i have applied myself and continue to do so, on points of self deception in relation to who i am within wearing the ring, But now whenever i decide to wear a ring, it is not about impressing anybody anymore, or competition, i simply stand within and as self honesty within the action, where i no longer wear the ring for any point outside of the physical action itself of wearing a ring.

Anyway so i noticed the other day that when i walk around a shopping mall for instance, or a place with alot of people, that i react to any person i see that dresses like a gangster rapper, I start experiencing uncomfortability, and almost like an annoyance that the being is dressing in this way. I go into judgements about it like "this person is thinking he is a gangster" "hes just a poser, i bet hes not a real gangster" "why does he not dress practically like me" "he looks stupid" " im wearing practical clothes, so im cool and hes not". Then occassionally i will physically act out by staring at the person until they look away first, almost as a means of seeing how they will react to my stare, to egotisically test, weather they are a real gangster or just dressed like one.

So its interesting to look at why am i reacting this way around these beings, that dress this certain way, what is behind these reactions. Its like this reveals to me that i percieve myself to be superior to people that dress like gangster rappers, because i have now stopped dressing like that myself, and so its no a part of my world anymore. Thus i allow myself to believe that i am somehow "more advanced" and different from this being, even if its only for a few seconds that the thought is there for. The point is im opening up here why, where, how and when is it happening, so i can take self responsibility to direct the point to a system of equality that works for everbody in the situation instead of my ego.

Also its that point of of when i see the being in these partciular clothing, that i allow it to immediately fire memories of when i was participating directly within criminal gangs, and if one item of the beings clothes reminds me of an item i used to wear, then i will go into ideas of how i allowed myself to be at that time of wearing those type of clothes, and percieve that this being must be thinking the same thoughts i did when i dressed like that. I basically begin to assume that this person must be a criminally inclined, without any physical proof of that whatsoever.

All of these points is just showing me that i am allowing myself to act like a robot around people that dress in a certain way, that i fear and judge this being, and thus fear and judge myself. That i am "good" because i dress practically, and the other being i define as "bad" because they are not dressing practically. Polarity.

I am allowing myself to make assumptions and go into the mind, so i am self validating ideas of me knowing better then another, the idea of "i know what they will be like before they even open their mouths" Judgement. That i am still holding onto memories of certain clothes as being "more important" and blaming a particular item of clothing as apparently being responsible for why im going into a memory of crime. by me reacting, and these points continually coming up in these certain situations, and the longer i do nothing about it, then the more i will participate within this, then the more shit i am going to accumilate, so its just a point of taking self responsibility HERE to direct this to a system thats best for all.