Day 61: Arrogance and Superiority at work Part 2

Continuing from my last blog, im an arsehole to new staff that are younger then me, I realize I must stop pre-judging new staff according to their age as being good or bad for the job, as this is just in my mind and so is not real. And regardless of the fact that sometimes youngsters are not good for the job that does not justify existing as this extensive arrogance/superiority mind possession.

I notice that when I see someone falling into the “young stereotype” then my stance as this arrogance/superiority will become more apparent, as I will get annoyed that the young staff member is accepting and allowing a specific path which will affect their ability to work the job effectively for example: drinking excessively, drug addiction, “love/hate” emotional relationships etc. Then I will allow it to piss me off that the person will not listen to me and see what path they are allowing and how they can change it to become effective at the job.

However when I put myself in the youngsters shoes I see that I myself did not listen at that age regardless of what an older person would say to me. So when I see the young staff member accepting a certain piece of brainwashing that I myself used to allow, which will affect the job, I must tell the person to stop it, while at the same time not allowing myself to react to the point where I become this arrogance/superiority character, which does not assist me or anyone in being able to be physically effective at anything.

Also I notice when a young member of staff comes to the company, that I sometimes experience a fear of being surpassed by a new young star. Fear that this youngster will get better at the job then me and then move up the company faster than me. A fear that I will lose my “sales wizard” self-definition that I have created for myself, a fear that I will lose the respect of my staff if this youngster does turn out to be very good at the job. 

And so it is from these fears that I notice I justify existing as this arrogance/superiority character, it’s a defence mechanism where I will immediately be competing with the youngster in my mind before they have even started the job, hoping secretly that they will fail at the job because apparently in my mind “I’m the only young top salesman allowed in this company”, which explains why I have not been training all staff equally, because the youngsters I am purposely trying to crush them so I can maintain my existence as ego and maintain my “company image” as the young, top-shot, sales manager. So it’s pretty fucked up.

I can see that sometimes I experience jealousy and regret if the person joining the company is much younger than me when I joined the company. At 25 I notice it makes me feel old when someone much younger than me joins, so it’s like a point of Jealousy that they are getting an opportunity in the company at a younger age then when I started, and regret that I didn’t join the company soon then I did instead of getting involved with crime. And so within this I notice that again this is where I purposely exist as this arrogance/superiority, purposely giving the person a hard time because I’m jealous of the young age they are starting in the company. Interesting that when my boss brings on someone younger than me or someone young contacts me asking for a job, that I will immediately try and talk myself and my boss out of hiring the person.

Also there is this fear I have of not being heard by the youth, that my word must always be heard by the youth and that apparently through existing as this arrogance/superiority character I’m literally taking up the position of god, demanding that the youngster puts my words on a throne and follows my every word, and puts theri own words on a throne of inferiority like i do in my mind to youngsters words. I notice I have existed as this character around my son before.

Which I also notice within this, that I have this point of being hard on youngster, because of knowing that parents have fucked up the world, and so within this knowing that youngsters have to take the reins to correct this reality, as the next wave so to speak.  And then within this in my mind I paint myself as this drill sergeant of correction (arrogance/superiority) that will crack the whip on the kids to constantly push themselves, trying to toughen the kids up in preparation for the rougher times ahead for humanity, which I believe may assist them in standing up for life in the future. However I realize within this that I’m completely fucking myself because I’m only doing what their own parents do to them – demanding perfection without showing the child how perfection operates  as myself. I see that within existing as this arrogance/superiority, that I am not assisting and supporting anyone in this world to change to what’s best for all, I am only furthering and enforcing the separation of myself and everyone else as ego as a robotic zombie of consciousness.

I’m not willing to accept this any further, I change me, I change this world as me, there is nobody else in the world that I can change apart from me, I will treat all people I work with as equals, I do not accept myself to exist in this self-created illusion any further.

Next I walk self-forgiveness/ self-corrective living commitments to end this self-dishonesty…

Day 60: Arrogance and Superiority at work

So the other day I noticed that when I was speaking to a young person I’m training in the company I work for, that my tone of speech and my general physical stance was very sarcastic and judgemental towards this person. I could tell the person I was speaking to was getting annoyed by me because of physical reactions like itching, shuffling and coughing while I was speaking, yet this person was not saying what they probably wanted to say because the person knew that there would be repercussions and a possible dismissal for disagreeing with me.

And at the end of training this person I had a memory come up of when I was training someone else much older than me 2 weeks before.  And I considered that this has happened many times before where my starting point within training new staff is completely unequal, as I am treating new recruits differently according to their age.

I can see in self-honesty that when I’m training new staff, if the person is much older than me, with prior sales experience, that I speak to the person softly and humbly seeing the person as “good for the job” just on the basis of them being older. Whereas when I take on young staff I find that my whole presentation of myself is completely different, my voice is more sarcastic, threatening and coarse in its sound, where it’s like I’m looking down on the person in my mind as “just being another lazy kid that’s going to waste my time to train them, then inevitably they will leave the company after a short stay because kids are lazy”, so anyone that’s young that I’m training I have defined as “bad for business” in my mind. 

So it’s clear that I’m pre-judging new recruits as being “good” or “bad” according to their age, creating a polarity, where I am convinced that if the person is young they will inevitably fail at the job before they have even begun. 

I notice that I desire to be treated as an absolute authority figure by the young staff, like a god demanding followers to follow exactly what I say. Because in my mind I really don’t mind if someone has a disagreement with me or speaks over me when they are older than me, but when they are younger than me, I immediately become this arrogance/superiority character, I accept no interruptions when I’m speaking, purposely being an arsehole basically, where in my mind there is backchat to compete with the person and make them submit to my will just because they are younger. 

I will sometimes see myself as the young person when I was young joining the company, and then I get to play out the classic pitch to the person of “this is how I made something of myself in the company, follow me and you will be just as good as me”,  believing that I am some kind of sales guru, that my way is the only way, whereas I know I can’t do that with the older people that join the company, because they have been sold the sales dream so much, they are more likely to be very set in their ways, and probably feel embarrassed enough that their boss is a lot younger than them, so I notice I don’t “rub it in” as in rubbing in this arrogant/superior character with older people that come to the company.

 

It’s like I expect every young person that comes to the company to see the job as some kind of miracle privilege, in a tough climate for jobs, and because at the time when I got the job with the company 5 years ago I was struggling to find work because of criminal convictions, so to me I was shocked that I got the job after being repeatedly turned down by every other company I went to. But that’s the point I have to see, realize and understand in all moments that nobody else has had my exact experience in this world, so why am I expecting every young person to feel privileged to get the job like I did? Really doesn’t make sense. And most youngsters don’t understand about the specifics of poverty/unemployment figures in this world, so again why would I expect the young person to “feel privileged” for the job?

In my mind I have a lot of memories of young staff leaving the job after a short period of time through lack of effort, personal problems or sometimes a conflict with me/my boss/other staff. And so this memory I have of lots of young  staff leaving the company is how I have accepted and allowed myself to create this judgment around young staff, and  this is how I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my starting point of arrogance and superiority over the new young recruit in my mind.

I realize however that regardless of the fact that it is true that youngsters are often much more emotionally unstable and very often can have a lazy attitude towards working, this does not in any way justify me allowing myself to exist as a complete mind fuck of arrogance and superiority around younger members of staff.

This is all revealing the absolute limitation and separation of myself through existing as a system which is very clearly based in ego, where I have created an idea of myself as a “god” of solar sales in my mind, then using this idea of perfection to project onto others that I perceive should be following my lead to go on the same path I did to become effective at selling solar energy. 

I’m not willing to accept this about myself any further, so I take self-responsibility to end this as myself through utilizing the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, common sense and self-corrective application of breathing that I have learnt in my process to birth myself as life here.

There is much more here, so join me in my next blog as I continue to investigate this self-designed self-enslaving pattern further and take the necessary steps to end this deception of myself completely.  

Day 59: Boredom Character searching for the “thrilling energy.”

So today after work and dinner/evening duties I sat in my room and I experienced boredom, that ive got “nothing to do” and that “my life is so boring”, then different thoughts popped up of how I can entertain myself, and I as this was happening I started laughing at myself because I could see I was existing as a mind fuck looking for something outside of myself to provide me with energy. 

I stroked my dogs who always are such great support to shake me out of the mind in the realization that I am here, that there is nothing other than here, and it is only through existing here as breathe in all moments that I am existing as life and where there is no boredom experience whatsoever.

This requires investigation and correction until I experience no boredom in anyway – 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a boredom character within and as my mind whereas this character I constantly am looking for something outside of myself to provide me with energy so that I can have a thrilling experience in self-interest. I realize that within this character I am completely separated from physical reality, as It is clear that boredom is never real, because it is based in opinion – what one person finds boring another finds entertaining thus proving the instability and thus total illusion of boredom, so I take self-responsibility to remove all boredom experience from my life which Is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this boredom character to have completely blinded eyes, where I actually view and judge  the physical reality as something boring, being something which is too static and not explosive enough, and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire my experience to be something explosive instead of realizing that no matter how explosive and thrilling the energy is, it cannot last, because energy is finite and is not in fact who I am. I realize that once energy runs out, I am still here as the physical, there is no escaping from this fact, which I see, realize and understand every moment that I allow myself to breath effectively. Life is not explosive and unstable, life is here as breathe as all of physical existence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the emotional experience of boredom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by searching for energetic experience as a completely brainwashed robotic zombie of consciousness in total separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for an escape from what is here as a form of hiding through searching for an big energetic thrill instead of releasing thoughts, feelings and emotions through corrective application of breathing where I cannot be controlled by my pre-programmed mind, and thus I am able to do what is best for all from this starting point rather than what is best for my mind dimensions to remain intact in total self-interest which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and perpetuate a self-belief that I must search for something thrilling outside of myself to deal with the experience of boredom when it comes up. I realize that this is actually a suppression of the boredom I experience, and in fact the only way to release boredom is through taking self-responsibility here to release this experience of boredom which in self-honesty is not real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anything can in fact be thrilling, because my internal experience in self-honesty is never real, it is only physical movement which is real, which reveals that there really is no such thing as a “thrilling experience” this is only existing in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define enjoyment in each moment according to something outside of myself which provides energy. I realize in fact that using something to entertainment is actually just distraction from the boredom and suppression, and thus inevitably boredom will continue to come back in a time loop until I end this boredom any time it comes up as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any enjoyment I experience from a starting point of energy is not actually real enjoyment at all, but it is more of an enslavement of myself, because real enjoyment is expressing myself as life through self-movement within and as breathe in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be entertained, instead of realizing that a desire is only in my head and thus is in complete separation of myself and so must not be participated with in anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to something outside of myself to create enjoyment for me, when I realize that this is complete self-deception as a fake form of enjoyment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity around the point of energetic entertainment, where I define entertaining energy as something “good” and no entertaining energy as something “bad”. I realize that within this I am completely defined and limited as an unstable starting point going from good too bad like a tennis ball between two players according to what I am participating within.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my entire existence through my life to be in search of “the next big thrill” in complete separation from what is here which is physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard what is best for all in favour of what makes me feel good in total self-interest, as my purpose here on earth is simply to attain thrills and leave correction of the world to someone else, which I realize is where I accept and allow myself to carry on the sins of the father which inevitably will pass on to my children if I do not take responsibility to end boredom as myself in every moment immediately. So I end this now, complete decapitation of this mental delusion I have been existing as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question in every moment I experience boredom why it is that I’m searching for entertainment, which in self-honesty I can see is because ei am looking for validation from something outside of myself, looking for something else to sort out this boredom experience ffor me which reveals my existence as the ego.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this boredom character which I have limited and defined myself according to, as I realize that within this boredom character is where I am in complete separation of myself looking for the next big thrilling energy, when in self honesty I know that energy is not real enjoyment, real enjoyment is me standing within and as the physical as self-created movement of enjoyment as each physical action I do.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to search for energy to fulfil me, as I realize that this is complete self-deception, because searching for thrills is finite, and no matter how big the thrill, no matter how much I try and escape from what is here, at the end of the energy experience I will still be here. 

I commit myself to not allowing myself to be controlled by my thoughts, feelings and emotions in self-interest to attain energy, as I realize that it is impossible to do what is best for all when I exist within this starting point. 

I commit myself to exposing boredom in this world as a complete sham which only exists in our heads, where one person finds something entertaining and another finds it boring, which reveals that none of it is real.

I commit myself to not creating a polarity on my experience according to whether or not I am feeling bored or not. 

I commit myself to not attempting to hide from what is here; because i realize that no matter what I do I still remain in fact.

I commit myself to not limiting and defining enjoyment according to energy, which I realize is not real energy but rather a complete enslavement of myself. I take responsibility to stand as my own enjoyment within and as breathing in each moment.

Whenever I see myself existing as this boredom character, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to participate with any mind movements as I know what will be the consequences of this, which will be allowing myself to be controlled by my pre-programmed self-interest, where I disregard what’s best for all components of this reality as myself to search for finite energetic thrills outside of myself. I do not accept this, I stand as my own enjoyment, not in separation of myself, I release myself from thoughts, feelings and emotions, I breathe and continue to do so until here is no more boredom experience, which is where I exist as, and do what is best for all. 

Day 58: Pride Character

Interesting, I notice that sometimes when I make something with my hands, whether making a meal or creating a lot of sales at work as a for instance, then I become this pride character in my mind, where I create, charge and exist as an idea that I am great and good for what I have achieved. Like a sort of invisible pat on my own back that I give myself, as a form of mental masturbation as ego.

And so I walk to end this – 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pride character when I have completed construction of something or a task to a high standard of precision. I realize that this character is only existing in my mind and so is not real, because once I complete a task there should be no change in me in anyway whatsoever, meaning no thoughts that “I am great” for this creation. What is best for all here is to no participate with any thoughts, but to rather breathe and remain stable here where I am able to apply common sense living of what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am completely limited and defined within and as ego through taking pride in something that I have created and completed with my hands. I realize that within and as ego I look for validation from others that I am “so good” for what I have designed with my hands as a desire for godly praise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-belief that I am “godly” for creating something efficiently, when in fact I realize that it is only through living what’s best for all in all moments that is the highest purpose, so a self-belief that I am the highest purpose without living the highest purpose as myself is clearly a delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself too desire to receive praise from others to affirm this self-belief in my mind that I am “godly” for building what I have built.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as “something” in my mind, just for creating something, rather just remaining stable without any mental relationships created around the physical matter that I shaped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity that I am “so good” for making what I have made, where I judge myself and everyone else in this world as “bad” if we do not build something well with our hands, which I realize is where I am existing in a completely fluctuating state of instability in my internal experience. Where my starting point of creating anything is not clear as breathe, not for what is best for all, but what is best for self, in self-interest  as charging this self-belief that I am “so good” for creating something well. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create valued judgments on every person I meet in my life as being “good or “bad” according to how many effective things the person has created with their hands. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I’m existing as this pride character, to literally get trapped within the past moment, basking in the sunshine of “my glorious achievement” instead of remaining here directing myself to continue walking as breathe as what’s best for all, correcting the next point, rather than confining myself in my mind, stroking my ego through replaying memories in my head of how I created “my marvel”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to daydream about how I created this creation completely enslaved as memory in total separation from what is here, I realize that memory is not real, and I realize that I must correct this pride character immediately, otherwise I will do exactly the same shit next time I have created something, stroking my ego with memory as a time looping cycle the same way all pre-programs I accept and allow myself to exist as do. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I build/correct something, that it is “my marvel”  in total self-interest, when I realize that this “marvel” that I believe is mine, is not actually mine at all, it is the property of the physical. Death proves that no human ever really owns anything, because what we think we own remains, yet we do not, so nothing is ever really mine, it is what is here already, I simply restructured what’s already here. So I realize that it is best to not claim anything about what I build/correct, because that is where I feed into pride, where I’m trying to use what I’ve done to get something else in self-interest. Instead I direct myself within and as breathe to create/correct things according to what’s best for all with no mental shit, rather than what’s best for my ego to bask in “my creation”.   

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this Pride character, because i realize that through existing as this pride character I am completely limited and defined according to pre-programming which is abusive to life, where I am totally possessed by my ego in complete separation of myself which I am not willing to accept any further.

I commit myself to exposing pride in this world as a fallacy, as a complete cartoon show in the minds of humans, and cartoon characters are never real as we all know, so I realize that anything that is not real as physical, tangible, measurable, existence must be deleted because it is ineffective and counter-productive in the expansion of humans in this world to live what’s best for all.

I commit myself to not seek validation from others for anything I create, because I realize that anytime I am looking for validation from another, I know I am not breathing, am completely enslaved as ego and thus I am dishonest, so I stop and commit myself to self-honesty instead.

I commit myself to not accepting and allowing myself to create any ideas about myself in anyway, as I realize that this is just separation.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to believe that I am “godly” for creating this creation, because I realize that through believing I am “godly”, is where I separate myself from others believing I am better than others desiring validation for praise.

I commit myself to not creating any polarity friction connections in my mind in relation to building/correcting something with my hands, as I realize this is where I judge myself and others as “good” or “bad” according to how effective something has been created. I commit myself to instead stick to breathing and to not see myself or others as anything other than flesh and bone regardless of what someone does or doesn’t create, and regardless of how efficiently functional  the creation is. 

I commit myself to not limiting and defining myself according to memory through replaying events in my mind of “how I did it” when I build/correct something, as I realize that the energy from this simply charges this pride character within and as me, and make sure I enslave myself in future moments to do the same thing as a time loop, when I realize that any time wasted daydreaming about “glorious past achievements” is where I am separated from physical reality, its where I’m not here, and this wasted time could instead be utilized through breathing to do whatever needs to be done next in my life that’s best for all, instead of basking in the past in my mind.   

I commit myself to making sure that anything I create, I create as myself clear as breathe, directing what’s best for all, rather than believing I am the copyright owner of this creation in self-interest. When in fact there is no human that owns anything, I realize that I do not own anything; regardless of whether I create it or no. Everything that’s here is the property of the physical not the minds of men, which is proven the day we die, where everything we believed we owned remains, yet we do not.

Whenever I am next building/creating/correcting something, I focus on breathing. I do not allow myself to participate with any thoughts, feelings or emotions that may come up. I realize that participation with anything in the mind will result in me transforming into this pride character as soon as I have completed the task/creation in total self-interest. I do not accept this, I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more delusions as this pride character that exist when I  build/correct something to an efficient standard.