Day 306: Impatience in Communication Part 2

So continuing from my last blog I walk out this impatience in communication -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience impatience when I am in conversation with someone who is living in England but is not using effective, diverse and clear English language.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a valued judgement about "the way" a person expresses their understanding of the English language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also be judgemental when the person is English yet seems to have a very limited vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I do not have enough time to translate for someone all day or even for a portion of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be increasingly more frustrated within having to re-translate and re-explain things that the person is not understanding the first time round.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be understanding and nonreactive towards the limitations in peoples English when I'm working on TechnoTutor with them, because I'm breathing here to show the common sense of the system - yet to quickly forget this one I start having a prolonged conversation with the person, because I cannot say "show yourself" like I can on TechnoTutor when someone doesn't understand something - in conversation I have to be a part of the remediation, which my mind dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more lethargic and lazy the longer I have to re-explain things with a person, which is stupid because if no effort is put into anything, then it will never bloom.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define translation as hard work that I don't want to do the more I have to translate - when actually its a great privilege to translate, because it only strengthens a bond with a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this impatience more frequently with friends from other countries who are struggling with their English especially if they expect me to understand them immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ego trying to defend itself from being misunderstood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the ego through always wanting every word I say to be understood immediately because of its "importance" when my words have no more value then anyone else's in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest when someone asks me if i am getting annoyed with their limited English.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest about this impatience whereby I will attempt to convince myself in the mind that I am not reacting  about this persons limited vocabulary, when in reality I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the initial reaction of impatience, to become increasingly more harsh, pushy, rushing, dismissive, judgemental, sarcastic and giving up quicker in conversation - where the initial support of my translation slowly becomes more counter productive.

I forgive myself for not understanding and realising in all  moments that learning a new language is an incredibly hard thing to do fluently - I myself struggle with other languages so why is it acceptable to be impatient in conversation.

I forgive myself for believing that English is the most important language in the world and thus should be spoken and used clearly.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that I physically huff and puff the more impatient I'm getting in conversation with someone - this huffing and puffing is a clear sign of a deep seeded unconscious pattern which must be removed as it is clearly best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to as this impatience, to take on the role of a frustrated parent or teacher that their child or student keeps making the same mistakes, berating them in a way, which is a counter productive way to teach a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in their shoes, but only in the mind, where my understanding of their limitation will inevitably erode, because it is not a physical placing myself in their shoes in all moments here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to as this impatience to expect someone to understand me immediately with no remediation, being shorter with them, which only stagnates the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only cause friction within the specific relationship when I become this impatience pattern, because being judged by someone is a universal language, regardless of what language we speak - the language of physical feedback is universal.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the beginnings of this pattern developed when i was around 7 and was spending more time with my grandfather.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my grandfather correcting any poor use of English I would ever use, which over time as my veneration of him grew only caused me to take on this part of his character into my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my grandfather and subsequently myself as a spelling/pronunciation Nazi of a sort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into a nationalistic perspective based in separation as this holding onto memories of my grandfather - which comes through in this impatience in communication with people struggling wit their English in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as being bad merely through his poor use of English in the brief moments he spent with me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to define my grandfather as good through his clear use of English in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and feed into polarity friction through these definitions I placed on my father and grandfather in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my grandfathers death in 2013 and to then purposely take on more elements of his character, both the supportive and the abusive within his character which is not acceptable, I only need to keep the good.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this impatience in conversation character any further as it does not assist me in living what is best for all life - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up in conversation with someone struggling with their English - I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage these thoughts as a time loop of this pattern will only occur. I say till here no further, I continue to breathe until eventually there is no more thoughts that come up in these conversational moments.

I commit myself to living the realisation that we are all where we are with our learning and changing, and I must support a person wherever I can to make it easier for them to integrate new information, not hinder it.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to hold onto anymore memories of my grandfather that do not assist me in living what is bets for all life - so as and when I see my mind having memories come up about my grandfathers nationalistic and clear use of English, I stop and breathe - I realise that it is cool to be enjoy ones nation, and it is cool to use clear speech in any language, it is not cool to use these points against people - so I continue to breathe no matter what until the thoughts stop coming up.


 

Day 305: Impatience in communication

Interesting that in my mind I define myself as being patient, yet I realised this weekend that this definition is an illusion based on pre-programming, because there are moments that came up that showed me I can be impatient particularly around the point of communicating in English with others who do not speak English fluently and effectively.

It is a pattern I have noticed with certain friends I have from a variety of countries who are in the process of learning English.

Currently I have a friend who has a very limited English vocabulary, one of the most limited of any of my friends who can speak English and I have been assisting to build up her vocabulary.

Yet within this I notice moments where I get judgemental and frustrated within having to translate, to re-explain, to correct what the person is trying to explain, to go over a topic multiple times in a banal manner.

Fascinating that when I am working on Technotutor with someone, then I am calm, stable as breathe understanding of the process of learning and everyone having their own learning speed to get to direct integration.

Yet when I am within conversation I get more reactive about inaccurate English communication, this is not just with my friends from other countries - this can come up even if somebody speaks English as a first language but is explaining something in conversation in a manner my mind judges as being ineffective.

It is more frequent with friends from other countries however, its like this defence mechanism as the ego where I don't like that someone can't understand something I am speaking about straightaway or that I cant understand them straightaway.

I am dishonest with myself where I know I am getting annoyed by the moments of miscommunication, but I will pretend I am not or convince myself I am not reacting, when it is clear that I am.

As soon as the first moment of miscommunication occurs, its like my mind reacts in that moment and a timer is almost counting down in my mind begins where I will now walk a process of assisting this person to improve their English, but the longer I stay with them, its like this "support" becomes more - harsh, pushy, rushing, dismissive, judgemental, sarcastic, easier to give up in explanation of what I'm trying to saying, more huffing and puffing, becoming something more akin to an easily annoyed parent or teacher that their child or student keeps making a mistake.

Its like my mind is willing to myself in their shoes, but then this placing myself in their shoes becomes less and less effective from the initial reaction, where eventually I am just purely in my own shoes, making valued judgements as the ego expecting them to do it faster, get what im saying quicker, being shorter with them.

Then once this pattern has started playing out, it only causes friction between me and that person in various moments, because regardless of what language is your mother tongue, the language of reaction is something we can all pick up on - we can all tell when someone is judging us, reacting towards us in someway because this is a universal language of physical feedback that crosses all languages and requires no words to see here in any moment.

I can remember being a child when I look closer at this pattern to a seeding period, when I was about 7 my granddad would always correct me whenever I used poor English - water for instance was a common one, when I would drop the t and say "waer" my grandfather would always interrupt me before i proceeded and would say "wa- TER" emphasising the fact that there is a T in the word water that I missed when I said it.

Or another would be when I would say "I done it!" he would always say "no Marley you did it". There are many other scenarios of words and phrases he would correct me on immediately in the moment every single time I would do it.

He would sometimes tell me that only the best people speak clear English, because he would stress that if you don't do something effectively there is no point in doing it.

He would sometimes make a sarcastic imitation of any slang I would ever use, and would get more reactive with this sarcastic and judgemental stand point if i would ignore his suggestion and keep using the slang. If you have heard the term "spelling nazi" before then that

Also my grandfather outside of the UK, Germany or the United States, was not always the most welcoming towards people from other countries, occasionally resorting to derogatory remarks towards some cultures of people..

Yet as i got older I would become more like my grandfather as I grew to venerate him as my father, without my actual father around and the fact that my father was from another country like Jamaica where a sub-dialect, slang version of English exists and the judgements I built up towards my father growing up.

This is all lead to me holding onto these memories, taking on my grandfathers stance about the use of the English language, especially after he passed away in 2013 - many things he did it was almost like my mind unconsciously was keeping even the flawed areas of his character alive.

So its interesting because this impatience in communication is clearly not something that assists me in living what is best for all life, as it only makes relationships with friends from other countries more difficult, fractious and actually detrimental instead of supportive.

I take self-responsibility here to stop this pattern, so walk with me next time as I continue this point.

   

Day 304: The Inexorable Playmaker Part 2

This Inexorable play-maker, this character, this pre-programmed pattern of thought and behaviour has been shown to me in a few situations recently. People standing as this point and then me reacting to them playing this game.

My reaction of annoyance, competition/frustration only occurred in these situations in self-honestly speaking because I have also existed as this Inexorable Play-maker many times in my life.

It is an extremely limiting character whereby learning is essentially impossible, because when one experiences themselves as an inexorable play-maker in the mind, a god in the mind, meaning you are believing and defining yourself as the apex, the pinnacle of all education in something.

Then one will use this self-definition and belief to play games with others, projecting this character creating scenarios where you will purposely try to put people at a disadvantage who are trying to teach, reveal, suggest, question something with you - as this play-maker you attempt to provoke and trap people in a cage they cannot escape, into a battle they cannot win mentally.

Being purposefully rude, dismissive, believing you know the best way, that you cannot admit that you do not know something - It generates an energy of godliness, to be un-hearing to others and believing one has an omnipotent power which can be used to manipulate and shape things which is an energy high that one can become addicted to.

I will not allow this to exist as myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance and frustration to people existing as the Inexorable Play-maker during interactions with me. I realise that my reaction only reflects/indicates to me that I have unresolved issues in relation to this character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in all moments that whenever I react to something someone says or does to me, it always comes back to myself here even though my ego in the moment wants to blame the other person for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to exist as the ego defending itself by getting annoyed, trying to blame, argue with and copy someone who is playing the Inexorable Play-maker with me, when these reactions are only occurring because of how much I have played the Inexorable play-maker with others, which of course is only energetically enjoyable when you are standing as this character, not when you are a victim of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to myself "I will show you how this character is played" whenever someone tries to play the Inexorable Play-maker with me, which leads me into competing with the person wanting to show that I can play the character better then them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others as this Inexorable play-maker character, as if the character itself of omnipotence is some kind of trophy to battle with someone for who tries to be inexorable in anything - this of course only leads to conflicts which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better at playing the Inexorable play-maker character when someone tries to stand as and use this character on me, when in reality I should just be breathing through these thoughts of competition and desire that come up, where I am stable so I can apply common sense and not compete with this person, but rather plant seeds to assist and/or leave the person to their Inexorable Character.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that If I was completely clear of this Inexorable character, then there would be no reactions like this, no annoyance, no copying blaming and arguing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to realise in all moments of breathe here, that I used to stand as this Inexorable Play-maker character very often in teenage years into my early twenties. And while I had thought I had transcended this character early in my process, this recent set of reactions when a few people have played this character with me, has only shown me that I have not in fact transcended this character, so I take self-responsibility for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of me playing this Inexorable character in my younger years and the feeling of power one derives from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at one time be completely addicted to this energy derived from this Inexorable Play-maker character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this Inexorable character, to only acknowledge new learning that strokes my ego and requires others to change not me in complete self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use this character to create situations where people have no chance to question my stance on something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as this character take a stance where any new learning that does not stroke my ego will be scoffed at, made fun of, questioned and judged as being incorrect, no matter how correct what is being presented to me is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say I'm open to learning as this character, when in reality I am only hearing what I choose to hear if any at all in complete self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in dishonesty as this Inexorable play-maker character where I deny that I am existing as this character to others who question me when in fact I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-dishonesty as the inexorable play-maker where even when I know myself that I am wrong, I will still force myself to believe that I am in fact correct and I cannot be seen to be agreeing with this person who is bringing forth a new proposal, question, proposal etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in every here moment of breathe that if I was being self-honest then this Inexorable play-maker character would never exist as me in any moment, because I would always know that I do not know what I do not know, that learning is an endless journey in life - so from a starting point of self-honesty I would always be open to learning any new fields/information and sharpening what fields I already specialise in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Inexorable in some things, that I cannot be questioned or challenged when in comes to certain things which in reality is not true and that I can use this belief to project and play mind games with people which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being Inexorable in anything, especially when I know I am wrong but avoid saying so for fear of not being seen as inexorable and although one can get to a point of being a master in certain fields, that does not mean no further improvements can be made to ones knowledge in that field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear coming across to others as not being omnipotent, a fear of being made to look stupid - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking stupid or not knowing something in front of others. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe that this Inexorable Play-maker character derives from the ego trying to defend itself from any new beneficial learning that could assist me in changing and living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this character believe I have some position of power derived from some position of comfort ability that I have in my life over someone else in certain moments.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments in my life that when one believes oneself to be omnipotent, an all knowing belief about existence, then it only reveals that in fact we are allowing stupidity to exist as our-self - regardless of experiencing oneself in the mind as having unmatched intelligence, because in reality here when learning stops only stupidity can then be produced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use invective words and use stealthy machinations as this character to get the result of energy from boosting my ego/position of power and tearing someone else's character down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the differences and perceived flaws in someones suggestions as this Inexorable play-maker character , to dispute others proposals instead of being clear here seeing the similarities where I am always open to new learning and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully create discord as this play-maker to avoid new learning instead of embracing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am always right as this inexorable play-maker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I can never do what is best for all as this Inexorable character because it is designed within the pre-programmed mind consciousness system and thus is based on self-interest therefore it has no value to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that this character does not exist in reality, it exists in complete separation from physical reality and so is an illusion and as such is not acceptable.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react in annoyance/competition to this character when others play it, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts reacting to someone playing the Inexorable Play-maker, I stop and breathe, I do not participate with these thoughts as I know that doing so will continue the cycle of being annoyed and copying the person playing, reactivating a pre-program - so I continue to breathe through these moments no matter what, until these thoughts no longer come up.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this inexorable play-maker in my life, or even interact briefly to prove any points, because it it is a dangerous character that has controlled me in many moments in my life and is completely counter productive to new learning and change that is best for all life - so as and when I see my mind starting to shift having thoughts I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts as I know that In doing so will only reactivate the Inexorable Play-maker in my mind which is not acceptable, so I breathe and stick to this breathe here where my self-honour stays until eventually there is no more chemical reaction of thoughts that come up in these .

I commit myself to living the realisation that my journey of learning never stops, there is no omnipotence that exists within anything I do, I can always learn more, change more, improve more in new areas or areas of speciality that we have - this reality shall eternally stand as the sword that cuts through the illusion of this Inexorable Play-maker.

Day 303: The Inexorable Playmaker

You know those interactions in life, where what you are suggesting, questioning, presenting is being shut down and disregarded at every opportunity by this person or persons. In these situations you will notice certain mental games of a mendacious nature where lying in the face of fact, creating discord becomes paramount to this person/persons who will orchestrate situations to put you at a disadvantage from the start of the interaction.

a pre-program based in dishonesty and self-dishonesty - sprouting from the ego intended to defend itself from any beneficial new learning that could exacerbate, assist with and coordinate change that's best for all, no matter how effective this new learning proves to be.

This inexorable play maker can be found in many places, but will likely have a very comfortable life, which gives them a perceived position of power in their mind. This person is to put it bluntly a hater, a person limited to a position of omnipotent knowingness in their mind where new learning is something to be scoffed at, made fun of, questioned and judged as ineffective no matter how effective the results before them are.

Its amazing really because despite the knowledge we have, if we believe we cannot learn anymore in life, then we are allowing stupidity to exist - Invective words and stealthy machinations designed to shutdown any form of learning for themselves, but also attempt to sabotage the person suggesting, questioning and presenting new learning to them.

The inexorable play-maker has no ears, because they already see themselves as the apex of human learning/achievement, they are the dragons den looking for things to dispute in others proposals and believe their stance is always the best stance.

I was in a position with one such maker recently, and as this person repeatedly attempted to disagree, disregard, lie through what i was showing the person - I expected this from them, but still I noticed I was reacting, I was getting pretty annoyed with the person which was interesting.

I then proceeded to disregard what the person was then presenting to me after - i took on the position of the inexorable play-maker, just as he had done to me.

On my way home I continued to challenge his perspective, attempting to show him the limitations of this inexorable play-maker he was playing - Yet I then realised that while I was willingly reflecting this character to  him in the moment, a few days later I realised that the reason his stance annoyed me so much, is because I myself have played this inexorable play-maker with others myself before.

It can be an addictive energy to disregard what a person says to you, even if it is true, to willingly deciding to abstain from learning from this person.

I remember when I was continually existing as this inexorable play-maker in younger teenage years - where I would purposely not listen to anyone and disregard any learning that would not stroke my ego, cause me to question myself, or any new learning that requires me to change.

Then years ago I thought I had transcended this character, yet I have seen myself react a few times in different scenarios to people playing this position, having this starting point of separation.

Now from y perspective If i was completely clear of this, then I would not react in the moment when someone interacts with me as an inexorable play-maker.

So I take self-responsibility to investigate and walk out this part of me, this pre-program in self-honesty because this pattern will not assist me in living whats best for all life, it is idiotic to allow this pattern to exist, so I make sure I am no idiot and that I am not reacting, but here breathing when I am faced with this in life.

Join me next time...