Day 198: Why am I jealous when they talk to someone else?

So if you have a partner, or a friend that your sexually attracted to, someone that you spend a lot of time with, then undoubtedly at some point you will have experienced Jealousy when you see that person speaking to someone of the opposite sex.

It doesn't have to be sexual in the slightest way, it could just be seeing that person smile during a normal conversation with someone else of the opposite sex. It could be when your watching a film with your partner and they keep saying things about what the lead character needs to do. It could be that they share a similar interest with a friend that you do not, I mean the list of moments where jealousy creep up between people is pretty massive.

So recently I experienced this when my girlfriend went on a university trip to London. Now I've been to London so many times in my life, due to work and family/friends there, but for her it is very new and she has only been there once before. Now I'm not the biggest fan of city living, which factors into my reactions here, as I much prefer being closer to nature in the place where I live day to day.

Now when she told me about this trip, she said that she has friends in London that she wants to see again, and noticed that when she was saying that one friend was a female that she would be staying with there was no reaction - but when she said one friend was a male I reacted, and immediate jealous thoughts started coming into my mind.

I didn't hide this jealousy, I started asking about him, like how she met him, and how long they've known each other etc. She could tell I was jealous about it, and began reassuring me that she hasn't known him long and that I have nothing to be worried about.

Its fascinating how when we have a partner, or a friend that we like, we start thinking in the early days that we kind of "own them" in someway like a property, and that they must not even speak to people of the opposite sex lol. Its ridiculous, its like a paranoid thinking that they are having sex with their opposite sex friends just because they are meeting them.

I have female friends, and she has male friends, its just something that has to be accepted about people in life, so why would I be jealous about anything when there isn't even any sexual connotations involved here other then my mind is fabricating?

This was while I was driving to a restaurant with her, then there was some moments of silence, where I was thinking things but not saying them, and when we got to the restaurant, I was just agitated for the whole meal. I was complaining because the waitress didn't get me my drink until about 10 minutes after I ordered it, I was complaining because it was a Thai restaurant, yet I couldn't see any chopsticks on the tables, or even one person of Asian decent in a packed restaurant, as well as being slightly despondent with my partner.

Anyway this situation showed me that participating in jealousy does not have any beneficial impacts for any relationship to any capacity, if not dealt with effectively jealousy can be a destroyer of relationships. So I  wanted to write about this because it has come up this past week in my life, and she is coming back tonight, so I want to prepare myself in case there is any thoughts that come up so I can make sure I remain stable.

Trust is something which takes me a longtime to build up with anyone, even family members, because in my world I do not trust anybody until I know for certain through years of experience that I can actually trust this person with my life. But while that makes sense, and assists with strengthening real bonds and real trust, the experience of Jealousy does not make any sense at all to participate with and feed into.

 So If you have had some Jealousy issues come up in your life recently, then join me in my next blog as I continue to walk this point.

Day 197: What if i lose all my money? The Fear of Loss part 2

So continuing from my last blog, I'm looking at how the fear of losing money has affected me, and how i am taking steps to stop these fears -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all my money. I realise that losing my money physically, just like losing my life physically is not something I can control - I can take steps to reduce financial loses and losing my life, but within a system of capitalism that takes from and destroys life, none of us no when anything could be taken away from us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments where business is slow, to have pulsating thoughts about losing money and the fears of financially evaporating.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that I cannot change when or if I lose my money or my life, so I must walk this realisation, as breathe in self-honesty, so that I do not exist in separation as fear, but remain silent here stable as myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe, that when I get these money fears, particularly on days where more money goes out then comes in, that the fact that I actually get goosebumps come up on my sin really is showing me that the point is ingrained deep through my sub-conscious into my unconscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure at being self-employed, which will then force me to gain employment from someone else - but within this I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot get employment because I have tried since I lost my last job.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the reason I wasn't getting hired, was because of resonant points that I wasn't dealing with regarding former employers, which were being picked up on by interviewers in some cases, as well as my name being connected to controversy in general which can cause uncertainty for employers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot gain employment from a company - this belief was proven incorrect just this past week, when I was offered a job by a company.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise, that there are consequences from participating with fears of losing money, this consequences can vary and bleed into all areas of our life, and ultimately a cycle of strengthening the fears happens whenever I participate with the fears -
It becomes more of me, as me the more I participate, and I realise that if I do not take action now, then my fears of losing money will become more normalised/pronounced within and as me, which is separation which I am not willing ti accept for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose all my money, I will end up on the streets -  I realise that these victim based thoughts do not assist me in my life to any capacity, they only push to give up on myself, which does not assist me to live whats best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear losing all my money, so when and as I see my mind having thoughts like this, I stop and breathe, I realise what is happening in my mind, I realise that participating with these thoughts is going to only cause a continuing cycle of consequences that will only keep me in a state of separation, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the realisation that if I ever find myself homeless or jobless, I stand, I breathe, I walk, and will not allow my mind to tell me who I should be or how I should experience myself.




   

Day 196: What if i lose all my money? The Fear of Loss

So if you have never had these thoughts before, then i suggest that you look closer at your thoughts in self-honesty. Because in reality we have all had fears of losing something in our life, and as we grow into teenage years-adulthood- and 40+ maturity, those fears becoming increasingly financial based.

Everyone from the poorest of people, to the richest households in the world fear to lose money. When we are wealthy, then while we will enjoy luxury everyday, we also experience moments of fearing losing the ability to have this daily luxury in our life - if you cannot see that, then look closer at the activities of people like David Rockefeller, Queen Elizabeth, George Bush Snr etc - they all interact in activities that show they fear losing their money and their life.

Then for middle class people with stable 9-5 jobs, we are content with what luxuries we have, while having to be a wage slave to acquire these luxuries. We battle with our work colleagues to smash all competition and get the next promotion before someone else, while fearing that if we do not battle with our work colleagues to get more money, then our ability to have money will cease to exist and we will lose our job/stable content life.

Then for low class people, as we are unemployed, and as we get less money in our lives, as everything we own falls away from us, then the more our thoughts transform to fearing that we will lose the last thing we own being our lives.

As a self-employed person in this system currently, i find that an amalgamation of wealthy/middle class/low class fears intertwine in my mind daily. Because i have savings and many luxury items that enable me to work for myself, yet at the same time, when you are self-employed money is sporadic and not as consistent as employed stable work, so on slow days for business, where outgoing money is higher then incoming money, the fears become more pronounced.

It will be like this chill that comes across me in my mind, where a cascade of thoughts come about fearing losing the money i have -  i mean if i have more days where more money goes out then come in, then my money will continue to go down, and then at some point i will have to get employment from a company again.

But what if i cannot get employed? Because i have tried in recent times unsuccessfully due to my skilled experience, but fractured past relations with company owners, as well as my online name notoriety, which tends to scare employers.

What if i lose all my money and end up on the street? Victim based thoughts - please don't make me homeless, because i will give up on myself.

Well in the words of a great friend that reminded me of this recently, this kind of statement makes more sense - "if I ever find myself homeless or jobless, I stand, I breathe, I walk, and will not allow my mind to tell me who I should be or how I should experience myself".

I mean who know when we could lose money, but ultimately i am not willing to let my money/money fears/fear of loss affect how i interact in the world - i will not allow my pre-programmed mind to tell me how to live my life.

So join me in my next blog, as i walk to remove this pattern of unnecessary fear based thoughts from my mind.

Day 195: As long as there is Movement there is Improvement

In the best of times and the worst of times, I have found this statement has supported me within improving myself as a human being -  for instance just recently I have learnt how to create websites, and increased my understanding of how the internet is structured, and this statement that has supported me to do so.

Through this statement "As long as there is movement there is improvement" have also realised through the years that making improvements in my life in any capacity, does not have to be giant leaps. I mean if we can make giant leaps of improvements practically in our life then great, but big or small improvements matters not, only the fact that there is improvement.

I mean yes there can be aimless movements, of course we will make mistakes in our movements sometimes, especially is we go to fast - but as long as there is movement, then you will empower yourself to be able to find out what areas of your life are aimless and for what reason.

But without movement then nothing is possible to be improved upon, because the more grounded within moving we become, and the less daydreaming we do throughout our day, then the more effective our interactions in this world will be.

Can you think of moments in your life when you were so happy about something, and because you were on such a high with positive feelings, that you didn't want to have to come back to reality to get your hands dirty and put in labour to improve something?

If you cant think of one, then just think about your birthday, because birthdays are when majority of people have a blast of positive energy as money/love energy. Notice how in these moments we try to stay in our positive feeling bubble and try to avoid any beneficial work.

Then think about times in your life when everything just seemed to be falling apart, and you are trapped in a negative blackhole of emotions in your mind. Notice again just like with the positive highs, that when we are trapped within the negative lows, we will do anything to avoid participating in anything.

The point I am making is that in the best and worst of times in our mind, ultimately the mind will always try to avoid working, to avoid improving things, but rather just entertain itself within a never ending spiral of self-interested thoughts.

Within committing to and walking this one statement "As long as there is movement there is
improvement", I have found that I have been able to empower myself through the years to not allow the high or low points to affect my ability to learn new information, and then how to apply that new information physically here.

This way I learn to not get stuck for too long within high or low points in my mind or my daily interactions, because I move myself to get to the root of why I am so happy or sad in my mind at that moment, or why is this point in my daily interaction not working well?

Without movement it is impossible to learn anything about ourself or the world around us, and thus impossible to get to any beneficial solutions for either - so whatever is holding you back in your mind and your interactions from improving something, you may find that the statement "As long as there is movement there is improvement" will assist you as it has assisted me.

  

Day 194: Family Dynamics Part 3

Continuing -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and frustration about my father and grandmother never being involved in my life. I realise that I have held onto resentment towards them both which has had the consequence of separation within and as myself in relation to the word family -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto resentment towards my father and grandmother for most of my life, I realise that this resentment is not supporting me in living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the coldness I can show people, in terms of cutting people out of my life, is a form of imitation of my father and grandmother, where I have built a belief that the best of friends, close friends and family members are supposed to walk away when they are annoyed with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe for years that something is wrong with me, which in my mind has always been a part of why my father and grandmother never were around me - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strange, and therefore this is what i use as a reason why I should stay away from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the definition I have created of myself, as a justification to remove people from my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people close to me will leave me at some point, especially when they find out about my family, so just beat them to the punch and block them out of my life first. I realise that this "lone wolf" character is prominent within all this, and so I require to take self-responsibility and stop allowing points of pre-programming in relation to family to keep me in instability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my family, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my family and then trying to pretend that I am not ashamed of my family in complete self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to start a new family, because of never dealing with my reactions to the word Family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save money for years with the intention of starting a new family - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear not having money to start a new family.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that trying to make connections with people for my selfish intentions of having "my new family", yet at the same time pushing people away is a pretty fucked up dichotomy to have within myself, so I must do all I can to change these issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have attention from others, to be adored by someone, but then as soon as they react to something about me or my family, then I immediately react, and tell that person to fuck off -  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that react to me or my family, I realise that I cannot control the reactions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto bad memories of past relationships, as another reason to push people away from me, as soon as something even very slightly resembles a memory I have with a new person i meet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to jump from partner to partner trying to find this "perfect storm" which i realise does not exist in reality, so rather then letting the pre-program keep running endlessly, I must align this point, I must make sure that I develop communication with a person based on common sense, that I make a concerted effort with people based in physical interaction/feedback rather then pre-programming, so that I can see clearly what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more layers of bullshit to the word Family, in relation to my son - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my sons mother for attempting to stop me from seeing my son - I realise that this resentment experience will not assist me in my life, so i must stop cycling this resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience immense burning anger whenever I think about people teaching my son bullshit when im not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy of the fact that my sons mother has started a new family, and continually keeps me out of that family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to her definition of me as being "an evil thing that cant be allowed in the good family" to be real - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what she thinks about me to be reality and then compound my own experience of shame and self-loathing-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound my own experiences of shame regarding family and myself, through believing what others believe and define me to be is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience continual sadness/heaviness within knowing that the only way i can see my son is if i go through a long drawn out legal process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a nonchalance about seeing my son, because of knowing that i have spent so much more quality time with my son then what my father did with me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself since the birth of my son to be competing with my father in my mind for "best dad award" where in my mind there is an ongoing backchat "talking to my dad" trying to "teach my dad" how to be a good father, which again is completely unnecessary separation - I realise that i must make actions as a father based on what is best for all life, which does not include having a constant mental warfare with my father in thought about being a good dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let family related pre-programming affect my work life, whereby every employer I play a game with mentally -

I join the company, do well at the job, then once I make the company a lot of money, I start quickly expecting "family benefits" meaning making my own rules, demanding better pay for staff, I compete with the bosses, I start using my family as an excuse to not come into work on some days - there has genuinely been many days that my mother or grandfather have been ill, and so ive taken a day off to support them, but there has been equally as many days that i have taken off through using my family issues to create a lie and use it as an excuse to not come into work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect "family benefits" from an employer just because ive made the company a lot of money, i realise that this concept does not align with the "system game" of employment, which demands total obedience/subservience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring my home situation into the office - meaning that because i am genuinely the financial head of my family, i expect to have my word respected and listened to by my employers, just like in my family at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for years to define myself as my own boss/father -  I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with ex bosses because of them not treating their staff as family.

Family - Fam-I-Lie, existing in separation from my family, lying to myself regarding my experience to the word Family - existing in dishonesty.

Redefinition - Fam -I -Life

I commit myself to living the realisation, that the word Family, just like any other word, is not separately exclusive to one dimension in my life - meaning any separation i allow within me in relation to a word will bleed into all areas of my life no matter what i do.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to carrying unnecessary shit in relation to the word family - I realise that the living of a word must be equal and one as life here, a physical singular definition based in reality, not in multiple strands of pre-programming - so as and when I see my mind is reeling off thoughts about my family, or something in relation to the word Family, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts as I realise I will only cycle endlessly if i allow participation, so I breathe and continue to do so until there are no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to investigating and getting to the core of any points that i have not covered/or missed here, or anything that i have not yet considered/ new points that come up that come up in relation to family - so as and when i see my mind trying to avoid getting into the nitty gritty of any family issues, i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to interact with the thoughts, because i know that will only result in no revelation, no investigation, no correction, and instead a compounding of the issue which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the realisation that the word Family redefined to me is Fam - I - Life, meaning family regardless of blood/genes is a group that i walk with for a lifetime, a fam of life where we all work together to improve each other in any way possible as an unconditional caring of another - Family.