Day 311: Reflecting on this year and preparing for the next one Part 2

So continuing from my last blog join me as I walk self-forgiveness statements that will support into 2019 and beyond -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind not fully acknowledge the things I achieved in 2018, but instead regretting the things that didn't go to plan and being annoyed that my chief aims were not achieved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the things in 2018 did not go to plan - I realise that failure is a part of the road to success in anything and initial regret is understandable when something fails, but allowing myself to be mentally affected by these failures and regrets is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 2018 as regrettable for the most part, when this definition only exists in separation from myself a pattern that I have have carried from previous years that I also defined as regrettable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define certain years as bad omens, bar karma etc and some years as good omens, good karma etc. I realise that this is my pre-programmed mind trying to create additional value onto certain years then others feeding into a polarity friction within all existence.

I forgive myself to create and promulgate a polarity friction where I define certain years as better then others, when in reality as this breathe of life here as who I really am - i see every year is exactly the same, it is the same as breathing - each year is just the next breathe - there is no good or bad within each year, there is only what is allowed and what is created as always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure in 2018 - I realise when I am breathing here in self-honesty, that yes while some things didn't work out in 2018, somethings did, and the things that didn't are simply indicators of things I need to learn/adjust/align in my life here, yet defining any year or myself as a failure is thoughts and projections in my mind which is not real and thus is not acceptable to exist.

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to fear that these failures and regrets from 2018 will continue into 2019. However, I understand and realise in common sense as this breathe that fearing these things in the mind only assists in its manifestation and it is only when this fear is released through self-forgiveness and breathing that real beneficial change will occur where the pre-programmed patterns of the past will not re[eat and failures from previous years can be turned into success in any year here.

I forgive myself that despite being confident about my abilities, that I have accepted and allowed to sometimes doubt myself that I will be able to get my life to where it wants to be in 2019 or any year - when in reality I know that I can create anything, I have the potential, the capacity and the will to make anything occur. 

I forgive myself for not realising in all moments that self-doubts simply limit and dis-empower me, so they only sabotage my life and they are not real, so it is not acceptable to participate with them.

I forgive myself for not realising in all moments of breathe that it is ok to have failures and regrets, but it is the learning and changing from these failures and regrets that is crucial to be able to avoid these fuck ups in the future.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in each moment that these regret experiences about 2018 and other years is nothing but my ego is fucking with me, trying to convince me that I am a loser because of not hitting my chief aims in 2018.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment about getting a lot of flus/colds in 2018, I realise these embarrassment emotions stem from my ego which is not used to my body getting ill, because I have defined myself in my life as someone that doesn't get ill.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as somebody who doesn't get ill.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that no matter how healthy you are, how good your genetics are, everyone can be afflicted by illness sometimes and typically this will become more often as we get older.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear illness will continue to afflict me throughout 2019. I can see clearly that this fear will not assist me in living what is bets for all in anyway and will only cause to make myself ill through the thought power I put into it - so I take self-responsibility to stop thinking about it, because illness can happen anytime naturally, it doesn't need any assistance from my own fears.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret that while i did investigate and correct many points in 2018, there was many others that I was not as effective on -  which I realise that the most difficult points are simply ones that are more deeply ingrained, points that require the most attention, the deepest investigation and more consistent alignment to transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that for another year again, I am financially stable but not financially free.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to regret spending my time so thinly across too many points in relation to business - I see and realise that this merely indicates that I must be more cerebral and calculating with my time, focusing on the right priorities in my schedule day to day.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to regret not doing as much travelling as I wanted despite going to 3 countries - I see how pointless this is, because I am thankful for what travelling I have done in my life, which for my age is actually a lot - there is no need to regret this, because I have travelled a lot, I am lucky to have done so and more will come in the future providing I do what I need to financially and in all relationships to make sure I can create more free time to travel in my life.

I forgive myself for not realising in every breathe that any points which are not being corrected simply means I must be more consistent and disciplined with my self-honesty here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret that basic income is not here for all life yet because capitalism is still the predominant economic system in place - there is no need to hold onto or define myself according to this regret, because I feed into capitalism like everyone else while building a new money system from myself outwards - if a money system that's best for all life is not installed on planet earth yet, then that simply means more effort, more bodies is needed - so I must continue to build and live as an example of what I want to see in the world, which will extend out into more people standing up 1+1+1 until its done.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see in every here breathe that regret is actually a great indicator of movement, because it shows that one has been taking action to do things, but the results haven't been what one wanted yet - but it is the whole point of having to face your fears to take the action in the first place, so now this regret experience that your actions didn't go to plan is now ones support to make more effective actions next time, because the initial moving oneself to get things done in the face of fear is already effective. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sometimes lose enthusiasm once I start failing in certain parts of any undertaking - this loss of enthusiasm only makes me less and less effective which is not acceptable, so I take self-responsibility to maintain enthusiasm regardless of how much I fail at something.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allow myself to realise in every breathe that 2019 is just another year for new opportunities, new learning, new changes, new interactions -  I do not allow thoughts where the seeds of fear exist to taint my perspective on any year.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to continually carry any fears, doubts, failures, and regrets from 2018 into 2019 - so as and when I see my mind having toxic thoughts come up which are based in these elements dis-empowering me -  I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to participate/feed into these thoughts because a repetition of pre-programs will occur - so I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that a year is a year, it is just numbers that are not important, what is important is who and what I allow myself to be in any year, month, week, day, moment, so no matter what happens in 2019, I always know that everything starts with and comes back to self here as with any year.

Day 310: Reflecting on this year and preparing for the next one

So 2018 is soon to come to a close, on a global scale there has been many events: we have had more basic income discussions/tests in governments around the world then ever before, we have had tensions between North and South Korea over Nuclear Missile programmes against the back drop of the Winter Olympics.

We have Venezuela in political and economic crisis, a fourth term for Vladimir Putin, the World Cup in Russia, Donald Trump has had a successful Midterm Election, Prince Harry has married US actress Meghan Markle, more environmental solutions are being discussed/created/tested, Cuba has seen the end of the Castro era, The Northern White Rhinoceros has been added to the extinction list, many other species in danger of being added to this list, more Hollywood corruption coming to light like the Weinstein case, unexplained deaths of celebrities such as Anthony Bourdain, Kate Spade, Mac Miller, XXXtentacion among others, as well as the expected death of the likes of Stan Lee, Barbara Bush and George H.W. Bush.

In my own life there has been the development of my education in specific fields such as Insurance, Web design, business and Journalism. I have visited more countries, meeting new friends and having amazing experiences along the way such as attending my first GIN event which was amazing.

I have cut relations out of my life in terms of friends and business who have not been supportive relations to maintain, while developing the strength with current and new supportive relations in all areas of my life.

I have had a year unusual for me in terms of health, because I usually never get Ill, yet in 2018 I have been afflicted multiple times by a powerful type of flu, which while being annoying in the moment has led me to investigate and correct reactions within myself I have had about this, as well as investigating and aligning more points within myself in my process in general such as thought patterns around Aliens, Laziness, Desires, Self-Judgements, Embarrassment, Preaching, Smoking, Sleep Patterns, Dreams, Machines, Winning/Losing, Communication and Time keeping among other points.

My application of practical living in doing what is best for all life in every moment in relation to these points has been more effective on some then others, as correction and alignment has been more straight forward on some things then others, where as the more deeply entrenched points will require further investigation and consistent discipline in self-honesty here to effectively correct moving forward.

Regret is an interesting word and when people are asked if they have any regrets, it is an automatic response from many to say they have no regrets. From my perspective this is dishonesty, because if you have no regrets from 2018, then that means you are not seeing clearly in the moment things that you could have done more effectively, you are saying you did everything perfectly, because if you have no regret then your year should have been almost pure bliss.

So if your life is not where you would like it to be, then this should show you there is regrets you have in self-honesty, which if you move yourself can be great motivators and catalysts to make sure you correct and avoid carrying these points you regretted about 2018 into the new year of 2019.

For me I am satisfied for instance in what I have achieved in 2018, yet I regret that I spread my time thinly across many activities at various points leading to at times ineffective results. I regret that while I have made positive strides I have not made the financial leaps I would have liked to occur at the start and throughout 2018.

I regret that while I did do some cool travelling and gave myself time off work, I would have liked to create more time for these points.
   
Then as with every year where a capitalistic system of abuse is in place, I regret that humanity is not yet collectively ready to manifest what is best for all life here in every moment.

Yet within this reflection, while all these regrets and other regrets have come up, I will not allow myself to be defined by these regrets, Instead I use them as tools of support to show me areas that must be aligned here moving forward to not repeat the mistakes of the past.
 
Wherever you are in this world, If you are someone who celebrates Christmas and the new year or not -  I implore you to take this next few weeks to reflect on your life, on what has occurred in our world internally, in our participation and collectively. Look at what it is that is here, lets not allow any regrets to repeat themselves, lets investigate all things and keep that which is good.

Lets make 2019 the best year in human history individually and collectively!

Join me next time as I continue.

Day 309: Learning to live practical living

What does it mean to live practically? From my perspective it means to create the world as being acceptable and beneficial to all life.

The definition of the word practical explains it - of or concerned with the actual doing or use of something, rather then with theory and ideas - as well as this being likely to actually be effective and feasible in real circumstances. Practical - practice align, practice all, pragmatical.

So practical living is where I take self-responsibility here to develop my inner awareness through self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction of  breathing before i act in outer awareness to have the most effective possible outcomes for all life. The world we see around us is a direct reflection of what we allow inside ourselves, thus I want a better world where abuse is not running riot as it is on planet Earth now.

Practical living is the living of what makes sense for all, ahead of what doesn't make sense - the world as it exists is how we exist - the inner and the outer, it is a world of calamity essentially created through us collectively not being self-aware, not being self-honest and not being self-responsible.

When thoughts come up I know if i am being dishonest with myself about allowing these thoughts to control me, because I know what I am interacting with, whenever there us thoughts or pictures then this is not me as life. When I am here within every breathe, the mind is silent  and there is only the self-revelation of the movement of self in self-honesty.

After all the years of walking my process to birth myself as life here - I still see moments where I am not standing in self-awareness where I am not applying forgiveness in every moment before acting and speaking -where I am trapped within and as the mind, as consciousness, as the ego, as fear.

For instance me and friend this weekend did share fears that we both share currently about our friendship and where we develop from here. Because as perfect in living this friend sometimes assumes I am and as much as she judges her own way of living currently, I showed her that I am not yet an example of walking perfection here myself.

It is a process, standing for eternity here as what is best for all life is not something that will happen over night, which comforts yet should never excuse prolonging within every moment where I fall - giving up is not something I accept as me.

I find a way no matter what because I know the blueprint, I see how much I have changed in my life already and how much more I will continue to learn and change as I continue to ground myself and live as self-awareness as practical living.

We are all connected as life and all responsible for the world we have inside ourselves and the world we have outside - while we are all on our own process, while nobody can change for us, only we can self-realise, self-actualise and live as a movement of self instead of a movement of the mind.

We all share this one planet together - individually we must take all self-responsibility to actualise our self as the living word of whats best for all life in equality and oneness. Then once we are stable, disciplined, consistently honest with our self then we are empowered to assist others with their own issues never beforehand.

I stand as self awareness, I correct what is necessary to be corrected (meaning the causes I have allowed and accepted inside me to manifest everything that exists inside me and in my world that is of separation). 

As I change to the benefit of all life, expression within and as me and without me as this world will change as well. 

There is no master within Practical living, no gods, no religions, no ascensions, no wisdom but instead awareness - there is no better place then here as self, as self-mastery.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live practically in every moment, I take self-responsibility to no matter how many times I fall, to apply practical forgiveness in every moment so that my inner and my outer are in alignment of what is best for all life.

Join me next time as I continue to walk in my journey to life.

Day 308: Is this a waste of time? Part 2

Continuing from my last blog looking at how I fill my time, is what I'm doing in any moment to the benefit of all life? Or is there too much time being wasted on things based in separation?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern of wasting time where I tie - me within separation as the pre-programmed mind. I realise that it is only within stopping the chemical processes of the mind here as breathe and the common sense from this that I remove the wasted time and maximise the effective use of my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the ego, as the energy that derives from the wants and desires that come up in my mind, which cause the wasting of time for my own momentary bliss ahead of what is best for all which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the most of my time in every moment, because in this life there is no time to waste a world that is best for all must be lived here in my words and deeds in every moment.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to use the excuse that I am busy, when in reality I am simply over complicating my day, spreading my time ineffectively, too thinly across too many points, where I deceive myself that I am being effective just because of how much different types of things im doing and and how tiring it can be physically and mentally and thus "I deserve" to be able to waste some time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself, for fooling myself that I'm getting "ahead of schedule" by over-cramming my days, thus I deserve other days where I waste lots of time to "relax" from this over-cramming on other days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest about how busy I truly am when others ask me at times, where I use this as a tool to excuse myself whenever I am late to a scheduled place, when really I am just allowing poor time management here.

I forgive myself for not realising in every here breathe that is the moments of thinking, deciding deliberating in my mind which also causes and compounds the wasting of time - whenever one thought comes up which is "should I waste time now, or do the next task?" there is a pattern of deciding in my mind this back and forth game where I assess if I deserve to waste time right now or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to over indulge in wasting time on one day, just because over the past few days before I have been "getting lots done" so I deserve this time wasting, when in reality, when time is managed effectively here I get things done as efficiently as possible on any day, where moments of relaxation are allowed everyday yet are utilised according to common sense in between getting things done.

I for give myself that I have not realised in all moments that a balanced use of relaxation works in tangent with an effective use of time in ones schedule as opposed to an over indulgence, a possession of time wasting, based on the self-imposed forced overworking of previous days is far more supportive in maximising my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-dishonesty where I convince myself that I am very busy and very effective with my time all the time, but in reality I know that I am not always being effective with my time and there is many gaps of wasted times which across a week, month, year accumulate to huge gaps across a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe that despite what i tell others or tell myself, In self-honesty I know that my time is currently spent with a mix of wasting time and making effective use of my time, which only makes getting things done effectively take much longer then they should.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that If i was honest with myself in all moments about my time management, then there would eventually be no actual wasted time that exists anymore, because I would have already cut out the time wasting so that relaxation and entertainment in between activities is beneficial, not the over indulgence of poor time management.

I forgive myself that I have not always been disciplined enough here to see that it is lots of smoking, alcohol, sex, masturbation, drugs, late nights, over-sleeping, over-eating, over watching of films, over playing computer games, chatting bullshit on the phone with a friend - are all things I have used and abused as tools through the years to waste time, which is unacceptable for any to continue, because over indulgence as addiction in any of these points will not assist me in living whats best for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to wasting time when I feel "I deserve" this time wasting,  when in reality wasting time is never acceptable and real relaxation is acceptable yet is totally different to time wasting.

I forgive myself for not always realising in the moment when I am wasting my time interacting with a person who is not actually assisting me to be the best version of myself, but is purely a fake friend who I am attracted to in someway, yet much of our relationship is based on limited energies.

I forgive myself that I have not understood and realised in every breathe that wasting time and relaxation are two totally different things - fun and relaxation should be the common sense use of ones time to interact and have some enjoyable calm, yet no "tool" is needed for this necessarily. Where as time wasting is the abuse of fun and relaxation as the phrases "time flies when your having a good time" and "the weekend went so quickly" shows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time wasting to try and avoid the pain of actual physical time schedule correction, when in reality the more i push, the more I face the pain of cutting away all forms of unnecessary time wasting, then the easier it gets over time as my existence as this physical muscle expands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed ineffective time management across many points, which ends up giving varied results in many things, because I'm not spending enough time on some things and spending too much time on other things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to do too much on a variety of things, as an excuse in the mind to prolong entertaining but wasted time activities which is an unacceptable cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what needs to be done in my schedule and when it needs to be done to make the most of my time, but making it difficult to achieve with these blocks this wasting time on entertainment.

I forgive myself for not seeing and realising in every moment that entertainment is fine, as long as it is utilised from a starting point of common sense, where no possession is occurring and so the entertainment is not effecting the completion of priority tasks to be achieved.

I forgive myself for not seeing and realising in all breathe as life that the saying "time flies when your having a good time" is true and overtakes you if one allows it -  it becomes an addiction to "have a good time" through any means as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted the phrase "work hard play hard" to possess me within and as the pre-programmed mind in separation of myself, where because I "work so hard" that I am then apparently allowed to "play so hard" - literally a phrase which enforces the the abuse of the physical body and fun if one allows it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say i was busy whenever I am late for something, when really i was deliberately miscalculating within wasting time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a belief from younger years that time doesn't exist, which while to a certain degree this may be true, I have allowed it to have the effect on me of believing you don't need to pay attention to it almost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the importance of effective time management because of holding onto this belief that time does not exist - bottom line is that anyone who is tied to making money to survive in this capitalistic money system is thus tied to time, to the clocks and calender's all the systems of capitalism use in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have not seen and realised in every moment that whenever time is seeming to go fast yet not much beneficial things are being created, then that is an indicator that I am trapped within and as the mind, following my own self-interested bliss and I must stop.

I forgive myself to not accepting and allowing myself to get in a zombie state of feeling good as this pattern of wasting time, which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself for not always realising that entertainment is ok from time to time, but it is dangerous to then react and transform into a possessed zombie that cannot physically move and is controlled for prolonged periods.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe and always be aware of exactly how much time I am spending on anything i am doing.

I commit myself to making sure I am always aware of exactly what I am doing, how much time I am spending on what I am doing, to make sure that I stop the areas of time wasting - so as and when I see my mind reacting having thoughts which will lead to wasting time, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage these thoughts, as it will be the continuation and further entrenchment of this pattern, so Instead I continue to breathe here, until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that time is always against us as a species on planet earth - the more of us humans that start cutting away our time wasting patterns, then the sooner we will have a world that is best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to over cram my schedule I realise that this over cramming of things on some days, only causes too much time, or not enough being spent on different things, unnecessary tasks being self-created and the abuse of my physical body - so as and when I see my mind trying to get lots of things crammed into a short time frame, I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to participate, I apply common sense to look clearly at what I actually require to get done and what is coming from my ego - I continue to breathe until there is no more thoughts to unnecessarily over cram things into one day.


I commit myself to not allowing myself to react to forcing myself to do too much, and use that as an excuse to waste time in the days after. So as and when I see my mind having thoughts about being justified wasting loads of time, because of all the work I've done on something the days before - I stop and breathe I realise that a balance of work and fun/relaxation is best, not an abuse of both, I continue to breathe until I have transcended the  thoughts of forcing too many things and subsequent excuse reaction.

Day 307: Is this a waste of time?

What will be the result of the time I spend on something? Well if what I am doing with my time in any moment is producing an outcome that is best for all life then I know I am making the most of my time.

If what I am doing with my time is based in self-interest, then within this I clearly am not making the most of my time.

It could be a job, a friendship something your making or learning, something in your schedule where you are actually wasting time that could be put to better use elsewhere.

I notice that when I am stuck in the mind, I am often not aware of if the time I am spending on something is worth it, meaning does it have worth? I will often say to others in these moments that "I am busy".

This being busy, often is born from trying to complete too many tasks in one day, where I only spread my time incredibly thin across a whole host of tasks and activities throughout a day.

But is this busy nature I speak about, is it real? Because while on the face of it, things can seem as If I am incredibly busy handling lots of things all the time - yet it seems in self-honesty that too often this busy stuff I talk about doing, will be born from me being stuck in the mind where I am not effectively paying attention to the time I am spending on something, which is where I can limit the amount of time I waste.

Poor time management can never lead to anything supportive and you know that saying - "Time flies when your having a good time"

Well this saying is also what I'm talking about, because time really does fly when your only focusing on your own self-interest - because we become in a sugar high state within which we are not breathing and thus not capable of applying common sense to be able to notice when we are wasting too much time on our own energetic wants and needs.

"Oh the weekend went so quickly!" you might hear people say to you, but this is merely a consequence of "time flying when your having a good time". Which can in turn translate to - no physical beneficial things are done when you're high on energy.

If you like computer games then it is a great tool to see when you are trapped in the mind spending too much time getting an energy fix from the game - you can literally feel yourself in a zombie state, where the longer you play the deeper you get and the more time evaporates where there is less time to do more beneficial undertakings.

Playing games is not the issue, it is the time length - because you always know it yourself, when you have been playing too many hours of the game. Your eyes are probably getting sore, your posture might start to ache and you may have noticed the day turning to night out your window.

I have been noticing recently when I am either trying to do too many things in a day, or where there are large gaps where there is seconds, minutes, hours sometimes in a day where time is not being used effectively and there is too much wasted time indulging in self-interest.

Just this past weekend, It was like a blur looking back on it, and while there was many cool things that occurred, there was also plenty of time wasting.

In a lifetime and a world where time is always against us, I must make sure that all the time I am making the most of my time here,

Times before in my life have I walked to correct the issues of poor time management, yet my application has not been effective so I must continue to dig, investigate, correct and align, so join me next time as I continue this point.

Day 306: Impatience in Communication Part 2

So continuing from my last blog I walk out this impatience in communication -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience impatience when I am in conversation with someone who is living in England but is not using effective, diverse and clear English language.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a valued judgement about "the way" a person expresses their understanding of the English language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also be judgemental when the person is English yet seems to have a very limited vocabulary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I do not have enough time to translate for someone all day or even for a portion of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be increasingly more frustrated within having to re-translate and re-explain things that the person is not understanding the first time round.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be understanding and nonreactive towards the limitations in peoples English when I'm working on TechnoTutor with them, because I'm breathing here to show the common sense of the system - yet to quickly forget this one I start having a prolonged conversation with the person, because I cannot say "show yourself" like I can on TechnoTutor when someone doesn't understand something - in conversation I have to be a part of the remediation, which my mind dislikes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more lethargic and lazy the longer I have to re-explain things with a person, which is stupid because if no effort is put into anything, then it will never bloom.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define translation as hard work that I don't want to do the more I have to translate - when actually its a great privilege to translate, because it only strengthens a bond with a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this impatience more frequently with friends from other countries who are struggling with their English especially if they expect me to understand them immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as the ego trying to defend itself from being misunderstood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the ego through always wanting every word I say to be understood immediately because of its "importance" when my words have no more value then anyone else's in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest when someone asks me if i am getting annoyed with their limited English.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest about this impatience whereby I will attempt to convince myself in the mind that I am not reacting  about this persons limited vocabulary, when in reality I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the initial reaction of impatience, to become increasingly more harsh, pushy, rushing, dismissive, judgemental, sarcastic and giving up quicker in conversation - where the initial support of my translation slowly becomes more counter productive.

I forgive myself for not understanding and realising in all  moments that learning a new language is an incredibly hard thing to do fluently - I myself struggle with other languages so why is it acceptable to be impatient in conversation.

I forgive myself for believing that English is the most important language in the world and thus should be spoken and used clearly.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that I physically huff and puff the more impatient I'm getting in conversation with someone - this huffing and puffing is a clear sign of a deep seeded unconscious pattern which must be removed as it is clearly best for all.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to as this impatience, to take on the role of a frustrated parent or teacher that their child or student keeps making the same mistakes, berating them in a way, which is a counter productive way to teach a person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself in their shoes, but only in the mind, where my understanding of their limitation will inevitably erode, because it is not a physical placing myself in their shoes in all moments here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to as this impatience to expect someone to understand me immediately with no remediation, being shorter with them, which only stagnates the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only cause friction within the specific relationship when I become this impatience pattern, because being judged by someone is a universal language, regardless of what language we speak - the language of physical feedback is universal.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the beginnings of this pattern developed when i was around 7 and was spending more time with my grandfather.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my grandfather correcting any poor use of English I would ever use, which over time as my veneration of him grew only caused me to take on this part of his character into my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my grandfather and subsequently myself as a spelling/pronunciation Nazi of a sort.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed into a nationalistic perspective based in separation as this holding onto memories of my grandfather - which comes through in this impatience in communication with people struggling wit their English in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my father as being bad merely through his poor use of English in the brief moments he spent with me in my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to to define my grandfather as good through his clear use of English in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and feed into polarity friction through these definitions I placed on my father and grandfather in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my grandfathers death in 2013 and to then purposely take on more elements of his character, both the supportive and the abusive within his character which is not acceptable, I only need to keep the good.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this impatience in conversation character any further as it does not assist me in living what is best for all life - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up in conversation with someone struggling with their English - I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage these thoughts as a time loop of this pattern will only occur. I say till here no further, I continue to breathe until eventually there is no more thoughts that come up in these conversational moments.

I commit myself to living the realisation that we are all where we are with our learning and changing, and I must support a person wherever I can to make it easier for them to integrate new information, not hinder it.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to hold onto anymore memories of my grandfather that do not assist me in living what is bets for all life - so as and when I see my mind having memories come up about my grandfathers nationalistic and clear use of English, I stop and breathe - I realise that it is cool to be enjoy ones nation, and it is cool to use clear speech in any language, it is not cool to use these points against people - so I continue to breathe no matter what until the thoughts stop coming up.


 

Day 305: Impatience in communication

Interesting that in my mind I define myself as being patient, yet I realised this weekend that this definition is an illusion based on pre-programming, because there are moments that came up that showed me I can be impatient particularly around the point of communicating in English with others who do not speak English fluently and effectively.

It is a pattern I have noticed with certain friends I have from a variety of countries who are in the process of learning English.

Currently I have a friend who has a very limited English vocabulary, one of the most limited of any of my friends who can speak English and I have been assisting to build up her vocabulary.

Yet within this I notice moments where I get judgemental and frustrated within having to translate, to re-explain, to correct what the person is trying to explain, to go over a topic multiple times in a banal manner.

Fascinating that when I am working on Technotutor with someone, then I am calm, stable as breathe understanding of the process of learning and everyone having their own learning speed to get to direct integration.

Yet when I am within conversation I get more reactive about inaccurate English communication, this is not just with my friends from other countries - this can come up even if somebody speaks English as a first language but is explaining something in conversation in a manner my mind judges as being ineffective.

It is more frequent with friends from other countries however, its like this defence mechanism as the ego where I don't like that someone can't understand something I am speaking about straightaway or that I cant understand them straightaway.

I am dishonest with myself where I know I am getting annoyed by the moments of miscommunication, but I will pretend I am not or convince myself I am not reacting, when it is clear that I am.

As soon as the first moment of miscommunication occurs, its like my mind reacts in that moment and a timer is almost counting down in my mind begins where I will now walk a process of assisting this person to improve their English, but the longer I stay with them, its like this "support" becomes more - harsh, pushy, rushing, dismissive, judgemental, sarcastic, easier to give up in explanation of what I'm trying to saying, more huffing and puffing, becoming something more akin to an easily annoyed parent or teacher that their child or student keeps making a mistake.

Its like my mind is willing to myself in their shoes, but then this placing myself in their shoes becomes less and less effective from the initial reaction, where eventually I am just purely in my own shoes, making valued judgements as the ego expecting them to do it faster, get what im saying quicker, being shorter with them.

Then once this pattern has started playing out, it only causes friction between me and that person in various moments, because regardless of what language is your mother tongue, the language of reaction is something we can all pick up on - we can all tell when someone is judging us, reacting towards us in someway because this is a universal language of physical feedback that crosses all languages and requires no words to see here in any moment.

I can remember being a child when I look closer at this pattern to a seeding period, when I was about 7 my granddad would always correct me whenever I used poor English - water for instance was a common one, when I would drop the t and say "waer" my grandfather would always interrupt me before i proceeded and would say "wa- TER" emphasising the fact that there is a T in the word water that I missed when I said it.

Or another would be when I would say "I done it!" he would always say "no Marley you did it". There are many other scenarios of words and phrases he would correct me on immediately in the moment every single time I would do it.

He would sometimes tell me that only the best people speak clear English, because he would stress that if you don't do something effectively there is no point in doing it.

He would sometimes make a sarcastic imitation of any slang I would ever use, and would get more reactive with this sarcastic and judgemental stand point if i would ignore his suggestion and keep using the slang. If you have heard the term "spelling nazi" before then that

Also my grandfather outside of the UK, Germany or the United States, was not always the most welcoming towards people from other countries, occasionally resorting to derogatory remarks towards some cultures of people..

Yet as i got older I would become more like my grandfather as I grew to venerate him as my father, without my actual father around and the fact that my father was from another country like Jamaica where a sub-dialect, slang version of English exists and the judgements I built up towards my father growing up.

This is all lead to me holding onto these memories, taking on my grandfathers stance about the use of the English language, especially after he passed away in 2013 - many things he did it was almost like my mind unconsciously was keeping even the flawed areas of his character alive.

So its interesting because this impatience in communication is clearly not something that assists me in living what is best for all life, as it only makes relationships with friends from other countries more difficult, fractious and actually detrimental instead of supportive.

I take self-responsibility here to stop this pattern, so walk with me next time as I continue this point.

   

Day 304: The Inexorable Playmaker Part 2

This Inexorable play-maker, this character, this pre-programmed pattern of thought and behaviour has been shown to me in a few situations recently. People standing as this point and then me reacting to them playing this game.

My reaction of annoyance, competition/frustration only occurred in these situations in self-honestly speaking because I have also existed as this Inexorable Play-maker many times in my life.

It is an extremely limiting character whereby learning is essentially impossible, because when one experiences themselves as an inexorable play-maker in the mind, a god in the mind, meaning you are believing and defining yourself as the apex, the pinnacle of all education in something.

Then one will use this self-definition and belief to play games with others, projecting this character creating scenarios where you will purposely try to put people at a disadvantage who are trying to teach, reveal, suggest, question something with you - as this play-maker you attempt to provoke and trap people in a cage they cannot escape, into a battle they cannot win mentally.

Being purposefully rude, dismissive, believing you know the best way, that you cannot admit that you do not know something - It generates an energy of godliness, to be un-hearing to others and believing one has an omnipotent power which can be used to manipulate and shape things which is an energy high that one can become addicted to.

I will not allow this to exist as myself -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance and frustration to people existing as the Inexorable Play-maker during interactions with me. I realise that my reaction only reflects/indicates to me that I have unresolved issues in relation to this character.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in all moments that whenever I react to something someone says or does to me, it always comes back to myself here even though my ego in the moment wants to blame the other person for my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to exist as the ego defending itself by getting annoyed, trying to blame, argue with and copy someone who is playing the Inexorable Play-maker with me, when these reactions are only occurring because of how much I have played the Inexorable play-maker with others, which of course is only energetically enjoyable when you are standing as this character, not when you are a victim of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to myself "I will show you how this character is played" whenever someone tries to play the Inexorable Play-maker with me, which leads me into competing with the person wanting to show that I can play the character better then them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete with others as this Inexorable play-maker character, as if the character itself of omnipotence is some kind of trophy to battle with someone for who tries to be inexorable in anything - this of course only leads to conflicts which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better at playing the Inexorable play-maker character when someone tries to stand as and use this character on me, when in reality I should just be breathing through these thoughts of competition and desire that come up, where I am stable so I can apply common sense and not compete with this person, but rather plant seeds to assist and/or leave the person to their Inexorable Character.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that If I was completely clear of this Inexorable character, then there would be no reactions like this, no annoyance, no copying blaming and arguing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to realise in all moments of breathe here, that I used to stand as this Inexorable Play-maker character very often in teenage years into my early twenties. And while I had thought I had transcended this character early in my process, this recent set of reactions when a few people have played this character with me, has only shown me that I have not in fact transcended this character, so I take self-responsibility for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of me playing this Inexorable character in my younger years and the feeling of power one derives from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at one time be completely addicted to this energy derived from this Inexorable Play-maker character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this Inexorable character, to only acknowledge new learning that strokes my ego and requires others to change not me in complete self-interest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use this character to create situations where people have no chance to question my stance on something.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to as this character take a stance where any new learning that does not stroke my ego will be scoffed at, made fun of, questioned and judged as being incorrect, no matter how correct what is being presented to me is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say I'm open to learning as this character, when in reality I am only hearing what I choose to hear if any at all in complete self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in dishonesty as this Inexorable play-maker character where I deny that I am existing as this character to others who question me when in fact I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-dishonesty as the inexorable play-maker where even when I know myself that I am wrong, I will still force myself to believe that I am in fact correct and I cannot be seen to be agreeing with this person who is bringing forth a new proposal, question, proposal etc.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in every here moment of breathe that if I was being self-honest then this Inexorable play-maker character would never exist as me in any moment, because I would always know that I do not know what I do not know, that learning is an endless journey in life - so from a starting point of self-honesty I would always be open to learning any new fields/information and sharpening what fields I already specialise in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am Inexorable in some things, that I cannot be questioned or challenged when in comes to certain things which in reality is not true and that I can use this belief to project and play mind games with people which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being Inexorable in anything, especially when I know I am wrong but avoid saying so for fear of not being seen as inexorable and although one can get to a point of being a master in certain fields, that does not mean no further improvements can be made to ones knowledge in that field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear coming across to others as not being omnipotent, a fear of being made to look stupid - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking stupid or not knowing something in front of others. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe that this Inexorable Play-maker character derives from the ego trying to defend itself from any new beneficial learning that could assist me in changing and living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this character believe I have some position of power derived from some position of comfort ability that I have in my life over someone else in certain moments.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments in my life that when one believes oneself to be omnipotent, an all knowing belief about existence, then it only reveals that in fact we are allowing stupidity to exist as our-self - regardless of experiencing oneself in the mind as having unmatched intelligence, because in reality here when learning stops only stupidity can then be produced.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use invective words and use stealthy machinations as this character to get the result of energy from boosting my ego/position of power and tearing someone else's character down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the differences and perceived flaws in someones suggestions as this Inexorable play-maker character , to dispute others proposals instead of being clear here seeing the similarities where I am always open to new learning and changing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to purposefully create discord as this play-maker to avoid new learning instead of embracing it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am always right as this inexorable play-maker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that I can never do what is best for all as this Inexorable character because it is designed within the pre-programmed mind consciousness system and thus is based on self-interest therefore it has no value to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realise that this character does not exist in reality, it exists in complete separation from physical reality and so is an illusion and as such is not acceptable.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react in annoyance/competition to this character when others play it, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts reacting to someone playing the Inexorable Play-maker, I stop and breathe, I do not participate with these thoughts as I know that doing so will continue the cycle of being annoyed and copying the person playing, reactivating a pre-program - so I continue to breathe through these moments no matter what, until these thoughts no longer come up.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this inexorable play-maker in my life, or even interact briefly to prove any points, because it it is a dangerous character that has controlled me in many moments in my life and is completely counter productive to new learning and change that is best for all life - so as and when I see my mind starting to shift having thoughts I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts as I know that In doing so will only reactivate the Inexorable Play-maker in my mind which is not acceptable, so I breathe and stick to this breathe here where my self-honour stays until eventually there is no more chemical reaction of thoughts that come up in these .

I commit myself to living the realisation that my journey of learning never stops, there is no omnipotence that exists within anything I do, I can always learn more, change more, improve more in new areas or areas of speciality that we have - this reality shall eternally stand as the sword that cuts through the illusion of this Inexorable Play-maker.

Day 303: The Inexorable Playmaker

You know those interactions in life, where what you are suggesting, questioning, presenting is being shut down and disregarded at every opportunity by this person or persons. In these situations you will notice certain mental games of a mendacious nature where lying in the face of fact, creating discord becomes paramount to this person/persons who will orchestrate situations to put you at a disadvantage from the start of the interaction.

a pre-program based in dishonesty and self-dishonesty - sprouting from the ego intended to defend itself from any beneficial new learning that could exacerbate, assist with and coordinate change that's best for all, no matter how effective this new learning proves to be.

This inexorable play maker can be found in many places, but will likely have a very comfortable life, which gives them a perceived position of power in their mind. This person is to put it bluntly a hater, a person limited to a position of omnipotent knowingness in their mind where new learning is something to be scoffed at, made fun of, questioned and judged as ineffective no matter how effective the results before them are.

Its amazing really because despite the knowledge we have, if we believe we cannot learn anymore in life, then we are allowing stupidity to exist - Invective words and stealthy machinations designed to shutdown any form of learning for themselves, but also attempt to sabotage the person suggesting, questioning and presenting new learning to them.

The inexorable play-maker has no ears, because they already see themselves as the apex of human learning/achievement, they are the dragons den looking for things to dispute in others proposals and believe their stance is always the best stance.

I was in a position with one such maker recently, and as this person repeatedly attempted to disagree, disregard, lie through what i was showing the person - I expected this from them, but still I noticed I was reacting, I was getting pretty annoyed with the person which was interesting.

I then proceeded to disregard what the person was then presenting to me after - i took on the position of the inexorable play-maker, just as he had done to me.

On my way home I continued to challenge his perspective, attempting to show him the limitations of this inexorable play-maker he was playing - Yet I then realised that while I was willingly reflecting this character to  him in the moment, a few days later I realised that the reason his stance annoyed me so much, is because I myself have played this inexorable play-maker with others myself before.

It can be an addictive energy to disregard what a person says to you, even if it is true, to willingly deciding to abstain from learning from this person.

I remember when I was continually existing as this inexorable play-maker in younger teenage years - where I would purposely not listen to anyone and disregard any learning that would not stroke my ego, cause me to question myself, or any new learning that requires me to change.

Then years ago I thought I had transcended this character, yet I have seen myself react a few times in different scenarios to people playing this position, having this starting point of separation.

Now from y perspective If i was completely clear of this, then I would not react in the moment when someone interacts with me as an inexorable play-maker.

So I take self-responsibility to investigate and walk out this part of me, this pre-program in self-honesty because this pattern will not assist me in living whats best for all life, it is idiotic to allow this pattern to exist, so I make sure I am no idiot and that I am not reacting, but here breathing when I am faced with this in life.

Join me next time...

Day 302: Where have you been all my life Part 2

When people leave our life for one reason or another, it is possible that you will never see that person again in this lifetime - yet it is also possible that this person will reemerge into your life again in a  future situation.

When these people from the past come back into my life, I have noticed a pattern of this paranoid over thinking, this curious desperation to understand the meaning why they have come back into my life.

This process is not needed as it does not assist me or the person who comes back into my life in living what is best for all life -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as this paranoid over thinking when multiple people from my past emerged in one day recently. I realise that this thinking only limits me in separation from physical reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react more throughout the day as this mixture of uncertain happiness and fear at each person from the past that came into my life again on this one day.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to keep myself trapped in my mind for the majority of the day as this curious anxiety and desperation to understand the meaning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that some of these people from the past are here again to try to destroy me, when nothing any one of the people who came back into my life on this day did, should have led me to fear this in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that some of these people from the past or the new person who emerged in amongst the past are here to save me in someway, when there is no such thing as any saviour, I am responsible for myself always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a polarity friction through charging different people with a negative or positive charge in my mind - expecting something good or something bad to happen as a result of these people from the past coming in one day and this new person emerging -  I realise there is no good or bad in anything, there can only be learning but only if I am here breathing as life clear where I then use common sense to truly hear, to support and learn according to whats best for all life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be physically more rigid in fear when seeing a person I ended on bad terms with, in contrast to being loose and happy when I see someone I ended on good terms with, this separation is not needed.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to physically react differently when I see different people from the past, when In reality remaining here as breathe being loose as the movement of life is always going to be better for all life then shifting in my mind and physically based on who I'm seeing which makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for meaning, to try and create value in my mind, when in reality reaching to look for something that isn't here, is purely my ego fucking with me, believing that there "must be" some special meaning to this event.

I forgive myself for believing that there is some special meaning to these people coming back into my life, that will be something good or bad -  I realise that while these people coming on one day of course will be no accident because there is no accidents that exist here, the meaning itself is not be good or bad, special or not special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto different ideas about people from the past which only keeps me in separation whenever they comeback into my life, so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself in all moments to see all people equal as life here.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that it is always possible someone from my past will turn up in my life again, that does not mean I need to react about it, to let this certainty control me in the moment - so I take self-responsibility to remain here as breathe when I see the past coming back round again.

I forgive myself for not realising that seeing people from the past is a great chance to see the analogy here that it is the same as when some pattern in my pre-programmed mind is replaying out again, breathe is the key to stop any re-occurrence of the past, so I can apply common sense and do what is best for all life here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience more paranoid curiosity when a new person came into my life on this day where many people, that something good or bad is going to happen with this person, which again is simply my ego trying to keep me in separation of myself which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as feeling unprepared when these people from the past emerged the other day, because what would it even mean to be "prepared" to see these people from the past? I realise there is no preparation that exists in relation to this, there is only remaining stable as this breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe that this idea of being prepared or unprepared to see someone from the past is purely my ego trying to defend itself - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the ego as the belief that I can be prepared or unprepared to see someone from the past, when in fact when I am breathing here that is the only preparation and course of action that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a deep meaning that is behind why these people have arrived in my life again.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is a pre-programmed pattern when something unexpected happens in my life to overthink the meaning and accept desiring a deep answer in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste hours trying to figure out this "deep meaning", when in reality, as I keep myself here as this breathe  - the physical feedback is clear that all these people from the past have changed many things but all still had things from the past holding them back here.

I forgive myself that I did not allow myself as breathe to immediately realise that all these intersections of the past changing with still much holding them back, is a simple reminder that I still have things from my past in my mind holding me back from living my truest potential here.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react as paranoid, curious, desperate for deep meaning thoughts in the mind, so whenever I see the past brought back before me here - as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up, I stop and breathe, I do not allow my mind to participate with these thoughts as I know this will only keep me in separation and continue the pattern, so I continue to breathe until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that anyone or anything from the past can come back into my life at any time, it is to be expected on a planet where I have travelled to many places and interacted with many beings in this world in this one physical reality we all share - all that matters is that I am not reacting in my mind to these reemergence's, that I remain stable as breathe where I assist myself and all life in living what is best for all life.