Day 100: Indecision – Fear of being “Wrong” and Self-Doubt Part 2

So continuing from my last blog also in connection with day 86/87 of my journey to life blogs:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience indecision regarding moving to a new job because of fearing making the “wrong” decision as taking a financial and or enjoyment loss. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the “wrong” decision within moving to a new job because i realize that this fear of making the wrong decision does not assist me to making a decision which is best for all, and actually feeds into my indecision here regarding this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I will be able to transition into a new sector of work as self-doubt. I realize that this is a self-belief I have created that does not assist me in anyway and only works to disempower myself further which is unacceptable, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not be able to transition into a new work sector which I realize is a completely self-disempowering statement which I must stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments that my indecision in the moment as itching/making humming noises when I am asked by someone “can you come in for an interview?” or “when can you start?” is a direct result of existing as this fear of making the “wrong” decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive some potential employers into believing that I am interested in a position with them, through saying “I will let you know” when in actual fact I am not really interested in the job role because it is the same sector and generally the same job as what I’m doing currently. I realize that it would be best for me, the potential employer and everyone else to simply let the potential employer know that I am not interested in the job if that is the case rather than deceiving the person into believing that I am still interested through saying “I will let you know” as this manifested indecision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while I am existing as this indecision, this fear of making the “wrong” decision that within this it can and has resulted in situations where I make no decision whatsoever, so I realize that this fear/indecision experience actually feeds into inactivity which has no benefit for anybody, so I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitancy and uncomfortability to commit to any specific new job because of fearing the changes that come with a new job. I realize that this hesitancy and uncomfortability again is a result of fearing that any new job I take will result in a financial and or enjoyment  loss of some kind to my current job, when I realize that regardless of the fact that this could be true, I accept that, and I accept that fearing change is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change in complete separation of myself. I realize that I am walking a process of change out of the mind and into the physical, a process of taking self-responsibility for this world, for living self-honesty as what’s best for all, and so within this I must accept change of any point that exists in my life to what is of the upmost benefit to all beings rather than fearing any part of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to changing jobs specifically into a sector that I have no experience in. I realize that I have been afraid of learning how to apply new work information, fearing being in a situation of not knowing what I’m doing. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear learning new things, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake in a new job role because of not trusting that I will be able to learn the job effectively which is nothing more than sabotaging myself completely unnecessarily. I realize that I am able to learn any new information effectively through standing equal to the information and working to physically apply the new information I’m learning to become solidified knowledge so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in all moments here regarding decision making which is where untrustworthy decisions can get made. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no knowledge about something, and to within this fear that I will have no control. I realize that when I was born into this world I had no knowledge of anything, I realize that who I really am is not knowledge so it is nothing to fear having no knowledge about a new job, in fact it gives me the opportunity to investigate and educate myself about new job sectors –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having no control over everything in my life, and within this I forgive myself that I have not realized that in actual fact i cannot control anything because within saying I control something I am saying that I own something, that I am above something when in actual fact this is bullshit because I realize that I am equal to all things in this physical reality, I am owned in fact by the physical, so I control nothing, all I can do is direct myself according to what’s best for all. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am “in control” of things in my life, to fear things getting “out of control” because as I have just explained I am not actually in control of anything anyway, my actions as this indecision with jobs is proof of my existence as an out of control fear of survival system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear surviving in this capitalist money system.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as indecisive in relation to changing jobs which is nothing more than a self-definition which is not supportive so I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as “lost in a spaghetti junction of jobs”. I realize that this experience is happening through my allowance to believe that I am overwhelmed by looking for a new job, that I am less then looking for a new job, that this is “too big” for me to do right now. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am overwhelmed by looking for a new job, I realize that I am not less than anything, I am equal to all things and thus fully able to navigate through job offers to come to the best job possible outcome in my situation, no matter how much of a “spaghetti junction” my mind sees it as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience annoyance at the lack of opportunity I am currently finding regarding the sector that I would like to get into. I realize that there is nothing I can do if I can’t find an opportunity in the job sector I would like to get into, all I can do is breathe, and keep aware for any changes in opportunity in my chosen job sector, but an annoyance experience will not assist me in anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to make the “right” decision in relation to changing jobs as a job which provides more income and more enjoyment then my current job, when I realize that desiring anything does not assist with manifesting anything that is best for all, it only keep me in separation, and I realise that this concept of the “right” decision is complete self-deception because there is no “right” or “wrong” that exists in fact. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to make a “right” or “wrong” decision in my life, when in actual fact this is nothing more than a valued judgement, because in physical reality there is no such thing as “right” or “wrong”, there is only that which benefits all life and that which doesn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want someone to validate my job decision as “right” in complete separation of myself as the ego. I also realize that within this concept I really am saying I want someone else to choose the “right” job for me as a form of self-enslavement to another which is not acceptable. So I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire for someone else to choose my job for me, I realize that I must take responsibility for myself, trust myself and direct what equates to be best for all into my life in every way.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I must just focus on breathing, slowing down, on being here as life as who I really am, and that any job which is something I enjoy, that can support me effectively financially, that involves no direct abuse of life, and is the best for me in my situation is a job which is common sense to do.  

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this indecisive/fear of being “wrong” self-doubting mind fuck, as I realize that this does not support me living what is best for all, and thus does not support me in anyway to acquire any job which is most beneficial for me in my situation.

I commit myself to not allowing my response to future job opportunities to be directed by fear in separation of myself, but rather directed as myself as life through breathing application and committing to common sense decisions as what stands to be most beneficial for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to deceive any potential employers that I am interested in their job role as this indecision pattern, when I am not in fact interested in the job, I must be upfront with people if I am not interested in the job they are offering, because wasting peoples time is of no benefit to anybody.

I commit myself to not accepting inactivity of looking for a new job through existing as this indecision/fear/self-doubt.

I commit myself to not allowing myself doubt that I am able to transition into a new job sector. I realize that this is self-disempowerment which only hinders my ability to effectively look for new work in different sectors. I realize that I am not less than anything, that I am equal to all things and thus able to transition into any job role through self-willed dedication to learn and physically apply new information.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to experience myself as being “overwhelmed” regarding looking for new work; instead I focus on breathing directing myself here where no “overwhelming” experience can exist.

I commit myself to not deceiving myself that I am “in control” of everything in my life, because I am in ownership of nothing in fact, I am a physical being like everyone else, existing within a capitalistic system of debt which requires correction to support life.

I commit myself to not allowing creation of any polarity concepts regarding “right” and “wrong” decisions in relation to changing jobs. I realize there is no such thing as “right” or “wrong” decisions, this is only in my mind, because in fact there is only that which is of benefit to all life and that which isn’t.

I commit myself to not accepting an annoyance experience when I can’t find a job in the sector I want to get into as I realize this will not assist me in getting a job I would like. All I can do is breathe and stay aware of any opportunities that may come up in the future in the sector I want to get into.

I commit myself to not looking for people to validate my job decision as “right”, as I realize that this is indicative that I exist within the confines of the mind looking for acknowledgment as an ego which I’m not willing to accept. I realize that support from others regarding job suggestions is cool, but actually looking for validation from others in unacceptable as it implies that I want someone else to decide for me, that I’m not taking self-responsibility which I’m not willing to accept. 

I commit myself to understanding and accepting that a pay cut, or increase, an enjoyment loss or increase is always a possibility with any job change of any kind so there is no need to fear these changes obviously in common sense though I cannot accept a job below a certain pay structure due to the expenses in my life, and a job that I enjoy is something that everyone ideally wants, but is not always possible in capitalism. 

    

I commit myself to not fearing job change; I commit myself to not fearing being without knowledge that I’m familiar with. I realize that who I really am as life is not knowledge, I realize that within learning new knowledge and how to apply that new knowledge comes a self –educated expansion of myself which happens, which is nothing to fear whatsoever as I have shown to myself many times in my process.

When and as I see myself going into the mind as indecision/fear/self-doubt regarding job changes, I slow down and breathe. I do not allow myself to participate with any mind reaction as I realize that this will result in making no decision, or making fear based decisions which are not beneficial for all beings. I have seen the result of participating with this shit in my head regarding jobs, so I stop doing it to myself, I breathe and continue to do so in complete discipline until there is no more indecision experience here, only directive common sense decision making which is best for all.  

Day 99: Indecision – Fear of being “Wrong” and Self-Doubt

Blogs in similar relation to this: Day 86: Fear of Losing my Job Day 87: Fear of Losing my Job Part 2

I have been facing a point of Indecision recently regarding what company I will be switching to in the next month. Me and my current boss have had many disagreements in the 5 years I have worked for him, and he is aware I am looking to find work in the education sector now. Yet despite this he is financially assisting me a lot while I am bedding into a new job which is cool as he feels I have been a dedicated worker for him through the years.

So in the past few weeks and the next few to come I have been setting up interviews with different companies, and I have not yet had any feedback from the sector I want to get into, yet I have had a lot of feedback from renewable energy/home improvements companies because this is predominantly where my past work experience is.

And within this feedback I notice I have been reacting in the mind a lot where I am existing as this fear of making the “wrong move” either financially or enjoyment wise in work, and also a point of self-doubt has occasionally been coming up where I start doubting that I will be able to effectively switch to a completely new job sector. So obviously I’m weighing up the pros and cons of every job opportunity I’m getting feedback from, yet through existing as this fear of making the “wrong” financial/enjoyment job switch or through believing that I “won’t be able” to switch to a new sector, it is manifesting as this indecision in the moment when I am asked “would you be available for an interview? Or when can you start?”

Physically I start itching and making a lot of hmmm sounds fearing that that the job I am being offered I will be either losing out financially, losing the level of enjoyment and that I have with my current job or doubting that I will be able to do a different kind of job. I have been offered multiple interviews and two jobs in the past few weeks, and so far every time I have been asked when I can come in for an interview or when I can start, each time I have said “I will let you know” when I know full well that I’m not really interested in most of the jobs I’m being offered because most of the job responses I have had is more of the same as what I’m currently doing. So within this indecision results in me not making a decision at all which is of benefit to nobody.

I realize that within this indecision/fear of loss/self-doubt that I am not assisting and supporting myself to make common sense based decisions in relation to work. I realize that there is no “right” or “wrong” that exists in anything, if I accept there is all I’m really saying is that I’m accepting creating valued judgements about things in complete separation of myself. I realize that “right” and “wrong” only exists in my head, because in physical reality there is only that which benefits everyone and that which doesn’t. I realize that realistically with any job switch there is going to be reactions that may come up, I realize and understand that I have to accept that out of the 3 points I am fearing here regarding job change that either financially I may have to take a minor pay cut at first, but maybe not also, I accept that initially I may not enjoy some element of a new job as much as my current job and if I switch to a new sector I accept that I will not have the knowledge base that I have with my current job and so will have to learn fresh from the start how to apply new knowledge.

So I’m not willing to allow my brainwashing to dictate what decisions I make, I realize that I must be stable here as breathe so that I can direct myself according to common sense as decisions that are of the most benefit to all, decisions that make the most sense practically without any mind fear shit prohibiting me.

I will continue this in my next blog 

Day 98: Just Believe in “Miracles” and “Miracles” will happen

So today while I was going through TV channels I switched over to Russia Today news station, and it was in the middle of a documentary. I don’t know what the documentary was specifically about, but as soon as I turned it on there was a woman speaking about “miracles”. She stated that - “we humans try and dispute that miracles can happen, but deep in our hearts we all know that miracles can happen, and as long as we believe in miracles then we will see instances where miracles will happen in our lives.”

As soon as I heard this statement I turned the channel over as I knew from this one statement that the programme was promoting the idea that “miracles” are real. However when we look at the statement this woman spoke in self-honesty with common sense we can clearly see that this is such a massive delusion.

For so, so long we humans have been making statements like this believing that literal magic can happen to make things better in our lives. Yet when we look at the world it is evident to see that the state of humanity has become more and more abusive as rapes, wars, poverty and the abuse of animals/nature has gotten worse and worse. I mean how much time do these miracles need to create a better world for real here? Very clearly all this Disney based “miracle” shit is not manifesting.

So I find it absolutely fascinating that many people will still claim that “miracles” can happen to fix the problems in our lives and this world. I have always found that it is the same with any belief system that we accept - it all requires constant energy generation in our minds, and once we define ourselves according to a specific belief, then we will look for any “indicators” in our lives that our specific belief is real. So if we believe that “miracles” can happen in our lives then we will try and validate the existence of a “miracle event” at any opportunity. For instance if I get a bill through the post which I know I can’t afford to pay, but then I meet someone the next day who agrees to pay the bill for me, then I could say that this event is “proof” of a “miracle” without even considering that meeting this person and the support this person offered me was all physical actions which had nothing to do with beliefs in my mind. 

I find it a miracle that our self-interest, competition, fears, and constant ignorance to do something about the suffering happening in this world has not yet produced the extinction of all humanity, the longer we waste time with miracle concepts then inevitably we will wipe ourselves out, because claiming that the intangible can move the tangible is a sure recipe for self-destruction.

I mean if “miracles” just happened through believing in them, then nobody would be poor in this world, and abuse would have long ceased to exist on earth from the manifestation of so many “miracles”. All the billions of people below the poverty line that pray to god, would have all had “miracles” happen in their lives to pull them out of poverty. So clearly these “miracles” that many claim can happen, are not equally shared in this world, and anything that cannot be walked equally by all is obviously not real.

So the whole concept of “miracles” happening is actually connected to the amount of money we have, because the more money we have, then the more situations arise in our lives which validate this belief of “miracles”. And have a look at what so many rich people in this world speak of as the reason for their riches – “miracles”. So many books/films/music/philosophies/statements made by elite people for profit claiming that if you just believe in something then abundance will magically come to us in our lives, when in actual fact it is all physical actions which funnel money towards us, so there is no magic involved here.  

So it really is time to get self-honest about what is happening here on earth and work together to come up with real practical solutions to prevent abuse in our lives and the world. A real miracle would be to create a world with our hands where abundance is equally shared for all in every moment through taking self-responsibility to support each other and all beings to have the best life possible, living what is best for all and implementing an equal money system which would be the first step to creating a real reality of heaven here on earth where nobody has to ever again hope and believe that “magical miracles” will create a better world.

Day 97: You can't order me around! – The Giant Millionaire God Character Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a “giant millionaire god” character in complete separation of myself. I realize that this character is not real as it only exists in my mind, and does not support me in anyway in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the mind as taking personal offence when someone directs an order at me. I realize that in my mind I have believed that if a person is ordering me to do something, then they do not like me, they do not respect me and or they want me to be their slave. And then within this I automatically transform into this “giant millionaire god” character attempting to compete with the person, trying to get them to respect me and make it worth my while for following their order. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compete in my mind with those that give me an order, and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire to be respected as something “difficult to order around” by people, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/assume as this “giant millionaire god” character that anyone that is giving me an order is someone that doesn’t like me or wants me to be their slave just because they have given me an order. I realize that all these events are just happening in my head, and even if they were true, reacting in the mind, taking personal offence, transforming into this character is not beneficial for anyone. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “above orders” as this “giant millionaire god” character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words giant, millionaire and god to the words powerful, mighty and respect within and as me in complete separation of myself as a robotic zombie of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge the idea of being “big, mighty and rich” as being something “positive”, and the idea of being something “small, weak and poor” as being something “negative”. So I realize that I have created a polarity within and as myself here which feeds into the limitation of the minds of each and every human here on earth. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity separation of myself regarding this “giant millionaire god” character. I realize that whether a person is big or small, rich or poor there is no difference, everyone is equally a physical being here on earth so there is no positive or negative that exists in anything, it is only in the programmed mind where such fabrications can be created. I am not willing to accept this any further, so I stop here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that this character is only an idea about myself in absolute separation and only serves to charge and fuel my existence as the ego which I am not willing to accept because it is destructive to life. So I forgive myself that I have not realized in every breathe that I am not a giant, not a millionaire, or a god, so as this character I am completely deceiving myself living in an alternate reality in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment I am existing as this “giant millionaire god” character, that people really do not like being around me, as I am purposefully demanding/forceful and generally an arsehole to people while existing as this character which is completely unacceptable and so I take self-responsibility to stop this now and treat people in all moments as I myself would like to be treated.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to orders that get directed to me, by transforming into this “giant millionaire god” character, where I experience myself as personally offended by the person giving me an order, and where I believe that only I can give orders to people, and that I cannot be ordered around unless I think the money is good enough. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as personally offended by someone directing orders at me, as I realize that it does not assist anyone in any way through me being unstable within the order -  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that only I can give orders to people as If I am more important than others, I realize that this is direct inequality, and that in actual fact anybody can give orders, and I realize that the more money we have then the more we can give orders and the less money we have then the less we can give orders. I am not a super wealthy person, so I must accept that being ordered around is simply a part of my life that I must accept, as long as the order makes sense and is beneficial for all involved, then I must complete the order.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to calculate in  my mind in complete self-interest whether or not an order is worth doing or worth putting effort into according to how much I am going to receive for doing it. I realize that from this starting point all I am considering is what is best for my ego/bank balance only rather than what is best for all. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my own wellbeing within an order ahead of what is best for all. I realize that it is always best for all to get any task done to the best of my ability with as much efficiency as possible, as it assists nobody to do any task with no effort/efficiency. So I realize that this “giant millionaire god” character actually feeds directly into procrastination and laziness where I do not move effectively unless the “godly energy” as money is great enough for me to move effectively. I’m not willing to accept this any further so I forgive myself that I have not realized that this “giant millionaire god” character actually is charging laziness within and as me which obviously results in nothing being done, and so is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine as this “giant millionaire god” character that I am the “creator of all orders” when in fact this is a complete delusion which is only existing in my mind, does not support life in anyway  and so must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself in my mind as a “wealthy powerful” person where I exist as the ego looking for validation from others, which consolidates my existence as this “giant millionaire god” character. I realize that seeking validation from others as this character is only revealing that I am not here as breathe, that I am looking to be more then breathe, that I am stuck in the mind totally in the hereafter only focusing on energy accumulation from others, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek validation from others of the “brilliance” of my existence as this “giant millionaire god” character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim as this “giant millionaire god” character that I am “good with money”, projecting that I know how to become rich to others, when in fact this is complete self-deception and the deception of others because i have never been a millionaire so I cannot claim to know how to do it, I realize that I cannot claim to know how to do anything without direct physical experience of what I’m talking about,  so I’m not willing to allow this any further.

I forgive myself that as this character I have accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard whether I need to do a job or not to support myself because of believing I am “above the job”. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider in common sense in every moment when an order is directed at me whether I need to do a job or not. I realize that as this “giant millionaire god” character that it is completely impossible to move/make decisions according to self-honesty and common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view everyone else’s word as being completely insignificant while I’m existing as this “giant millionaire god” character. I realize that within and as this character I cannot even hear the words of a person that is making sense in a discussion with me. I realize that if a person is making sense or not, that everyone’s words are equal as words, and so I must treat all people equally with honour to listen to what the person is saying. So I forgive myself that as this “giant millionaire god” character I have not treated all words and perspectives of others as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically transform while I’m existing as this character where I puff my chest out, speak in a more “deep authoritative” tone, cut across people in conversations, I stare at a person competing with them, and I walk with extra-large steps. I realize that wherever I am, I must always be physically stable here as breathe, not shifting and changing my physical stance. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that as this “giant millionaire god” character that I have more “physical authority” as if my steps and my voice create “earthquakes of respect” in the world, which is simply a complete delusion because this is only happening in my head, I realize that my words and footsteps garner no more respect than anyone else’s in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that as this character that I have “special powers” of “respect implantation” which I can insert into the minds of others, which in self-honesty is not a real living of the word respect, but is more of a domination of all others around me in my mind, which is a complete illusion and is abusive to life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this “giant millionaire god” character to only focus on the fulfilment of a desire to be “powerful and mighty” in this world. I realize that nobody is powerful and mighty in this world regardless of how much money someone has, everyone is equal as a human being, we all need the exact same support to remain here, so I realize within this that it is completely useless and pointless to desire to be “powerful and mighty” in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this “giant millionaire god” character only focus on the fulfilment of my self-interest, existing as an endless greed for more than my fair share. I realize that nobody in this world requires more than their fair share of resources, to believe that i need more, is to unknowingly feed into the poverty of others, and to imply that I am more than human, more than the physical I am made up of which is a concept of complete bullshit because the physical is who we really are, and when we have all our basic support provided then we do not require more than this. So I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that this “giant millionaire god” character actually feeds into poverty in this world. And also I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I allow myself to believe that I should have more than my fair share, then it is only acceptable that everyone else must also have more than their fair share.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that as this “giant millionaire god” character, that I can create a world of “respect”. I realize however that this concept of “respect” is a complete fabrication, because in self-honesty anyone can see that this character only creates further disrespect for each other as life, where some are treated as more important than others as a capitalistic system which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and perpetuate memory through existing as this “giant millionaire god” character of when I was a kid at school trading stickers, marbles, pogs etc looking to become the “god of the playground” that can give orders to all the other kids, and cannot be ordered around by others unless they have lots of stickers, marbles and pogs for me. I realize that to define myself according to memory is to define myself according to the past, define myself according to limitation as a time looping mind system in complete separation from breathe. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to memory, which is nothing more than a limitation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up in this world only focusing on becoming something “godly and mighty” that can experience myself as “god”, that can look down on everyone else and give out endless orders and never be moved by orders, which is how this “giant millionaire god” character developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this character base every decision I make according to what I can receive, completely uncaring of what I can provide. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base the creation and maintenance of the majority of relationships through my life on how much energy I can receive from the person as a complete life vampire, treating people as vending machines for energy which is completely destructive and unacceptable, so I stop this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by my environments, through the media and societal concepts growing up where i have allowed this “giant millionaire god” character to develop within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as this “giant millionaire god” character believe that I can change the world around me all by myself, when clearly this is complete bullshit as history has clearly shown on many occasions that a single person no matter how much “godly wealth” the person has, cannot create a system of equality for all by themselves. Because I realize that in order to change this world to what is best for all first requires individual change, then through a 1+1+1 accumulation effect stand as a group to direct the money system to what is best for all. So I realize that to end the abuse on earth will require a group movement, no single person has ever or will ever be able to end abuse on earth by themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments that the less money I have then the more I must obey orders in order to get money, so I realize that I must be completely stable as breathe within having orders directed at me. I realize that what I think I should be paid and what I need to be paid is two different things and it is always what I need to be paid which matters more than what I think I should be paid. I realize that if an order will cause no harm to anyone and is best for all involved then I must complete the order immediately regardless of what I’m going to receive.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this “giant millionaire god” character within and as my mind, because it is not real, it only exists in my head in absolute separation from physical reality, and so does not support me in living what is best for all in anyway.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react in the mind to orders that a person directs at me. I realize that reacting in the mind to a person’s words and transforming into a psychotic character does not assist anyone in anyway.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this character as it is nothing more than an idea about myself and is indicative of my existence as the ego which I’m not willing to accept any further.

I commit myself to basing decisions and whether I follow an order in all moments to be based on whether the particular decision/order is best for all. I do not accept myself to base decisions and whether or not I will follow an order based on how much energy I will receive from the person in self-interest.

I commit myself to exposing this “giant millionaire god” character in the world as being nothing more than a waste of time which only results in a world of furthered poverty for the majority and furthered wealth for the minority.

I commit myself to creating a world where there are no more orders that exist, because each and every person knows their role in the system and has become trustworthy with life and so nobody will require to be ordering anyone around.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to be defined and directed by memory in complete separation from physical reality. I realize that while I am entrenched within and as memory that I am not here breathing which is unacceptable.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to create any polarity separation inside myself regarding this character and any words associated to it. I realize that there is nothing positive or negative that exists in anything, so I’m not willing to accept this.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to take personal offence to the orders of another. I realize that the person giving the order is more than likely not trying to cause offence to me and even if they are, through reacting to that I am giving the person exactly what they want; I realize that it is always bets for all to not react to attacks from others.

I commit myself to looking at orders in common sense through remaining stable as breathe rather than reacting in the mind. I commit myself to mathematically equating the order - if it causes no harm to life and is best for all involved then I must complete the order to the best of my ability.

When and as I see myself transforming into this “giant millionaire god” character in any moment, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to participate with any mind movements that may occur, as I realize that to change into this character will result in outcomes which are not beneficial for all but will only benefit myself as the ego. I do not accept myself to exist in separation from the physical; I do not accept myself to treat people unequally. I only accept self-honesty for myself, so I take self-responsibility here in this moment to end this. I breathe and focus only on breathing and continue to do so which inevitably through self-dedication will delete this characters existence entirely, which is best for all.  

Day 96: You can't order me around! – The Giant Millionaire God Character Part 2

Continuing from my last blog, this character has existed within and as me for a long time as a constant desire to be acknowledged as something “powerful” in this world that only gives orders and does not receive them. Years and years of debt as this character, years of reacting to orders as the ego and this idea about myself have culminated in me existing in complete separation from the physical believing and defining myself to be this “giant millionaire god” delusion that moves others and cannot be moved unless the money as “godly energy” is big enough to provide “adequate sustenance”.

This “adequate sustenance” though has always actually been based in attempting to acquire more than what I need, a continuous hunger for more than my fair share, more than my basics, where my only concern is the self-interested fulfilment of my own financial wellbeing above all others. I have believed that I can create a world of “respect” through the allowance of this character, when actually I realize this character only creates a world of further disrespect for each other as life.

I do not remember the first time I existed as this character, but I remember when I was about 10 or so, that I used to collect stickers, marbles, pogs, etc, and then trade them on the school playground very much like a trading platform. And the same as with any kid that was accumulating these things, my only focus was to find a way to have all the “special stickers” to have more than all the other kids, so that I could experience myself as “mighty god” above everyone else, the “boss of bosses” that can stipulate how every deal on the playground goes down, that can order everyone around and who nobody can order around unless they can give me a valid reason as more “sticker wealth”.

And this accumulated through my youth as I started to understand that everything in the world is being directed by money, that the only way I can have fun in this reality is by having loads of money. That was when within myself was like a decision to find a way to become as rich as possible no matter what. This I intended to do by getting a job and only allowing myself to be moved by money, and what happened was I started calculating and basing every decision in my life on how much I would be paid for doing something, where my effort and dedication to something would be based on the self-interested focus of what I could receive ahead of what I can provide for others. This obviously affected everything in my life, where every relationship with every person I knew was only maintained if I thought that I would receive high amounts of energy from the person, with lots of money being the highest form of energy of course.

And within allowing this to develop in my life, what has happened is treating people completely differently according to what I think I can gain from the person. Total inequality as the ego ordering people around as if I have money, when really I have money but I’m certainly not anywhere near a millionaire. As this character I have been treating people literally like vending machines for energy that must give me the biggest snack for the smallest input possible by me, and when others attempt to do the same to me I purposely will give the person the smallest snack possible as the least amount of effort until they pay a lot of money for my effort to rise and produce a bigger snack for the person. Its fascinatingly fucked up.   

    

I mean If we look at the world it is very clear that every human has been geared through our environments/social conditioning to exist as this “giant millionaire god” character, where generation after generation we all continuously focus on competing with one another to “ascend” to become a “powerful” “mighty” being in this world that can look down on others and experience ourselves as godly in complete self-interest and disregard for life.

And have a look at the world, none of the real “giant millionaire gods” of the past have succeeded in creating a world that is equally beneficial for all beings, many have desired best for all change but basically have either not had the balls to do something about it, or have only come up with plaster solutions trying to change the world by themselves, rather than utilising their “giant millionaire god” status to create a group that walks in absolute dedication to align the money system to what is best for all.

The problem of course is that once people become these “mighty money gods” none of these “gods” want to change a system which transformed them into a “god”. So what must be considered here Is that there has never been and will never be a single being no matter how “powerful” they are which can individually create a system that is best for all here on earth, because what is best for all must be walked by self first as a life commitment of preventing and removing the causes of abuse within ourselves, so that within this it actually becomes clear to see in the world around us the causes of abuse and how these causes can be prevented through political restructurings . So to create what is best for all here requires self-willing individuals to first walk best for all change as self, and then through 1+1+1 accumulation effect stand as a group to peacefully direct the money system to what is best for all, which is an equal money system which unconditionally provides the best standard of living for all beings in this world from birth till death. 

  

So we cannot do this alone because we are all responsible for this world, so no matter if anyone actually attains a wealthy financial status in this world, to then believe that having lots of money and ordering people around is our “soul purpose” is a complete mind fuck, because in common sense anybody can see that the only true highest purpose of any being is to create heaven on earth here in every way. To do that which has never been done before and create an existence we are proud of, a reality of enjoyment for everyone where orders essentially cease to exist in time as we all become trustworthy with life, a reality where every single being is treated equally as life gods so to speak where everyone can take responsibility for cultivating an existence that is best for all within and without.

So I am not willing to allow myself to exist as this “giant millionaire god” character any further, as it is not real, does not support me in any way to live what is best for all, and so it serves no purpose whatsoever. I realize that  in this current money system, then the less money we have, means the more we must follow the orders of others regardless of whether we think it’s paying us enough money or not. I realize that I must be stable within orders from others, that reacting to the order in my mind will not assist anybody whatsoever. I realize that any order somebody gives me, if the order makes sense, will not cause any harm to anyone and is best for all involved then I must complete the order with no mind shit getting in the way. I realize that whatever job enables me to support myself to have a dignified life without causing harm to another is always a job worth doing irrespective of what job I would prefer to do, or how much pay I think should be receiving. I realize that what I accept and my interaction with others must not be based on receiving as much validation/energy as possible from a person to feed my ego, I realize that what I accept and how I interact must be based on what is best for all unaffected by the limitations of this character.

Join me in part 3 for Self-Forgiveness/Self-Corrective statements…     

Day 95: You can't order me around! – The Giant Millionaire God Character

For context on this point check out my other blogs:

Day 60: Arrogance and Superiority at work
Day 51: Not admitting when i've miscalculated
Day 21: "I'm the Boss" Character

So I notice that within the job I do right now, and sometimes within my direct family, that whenever a person orders me to do something, that immediately I react in my mind as a form of being personally offended. As soon as the order has been made, then automatically in my mind there is a calculation that takes place about how much money it will pay me to complete the order. If there is little or no money for the order then i experience a resistance to complete the order/task where i really have to force myself to do it when i see the outcome will be beneficial for all. I mean if someone suggests or asks me to do something without ordering, then i do the task without resistance, yet when someone orders me to do something in an authoritative/demanding/threatening tone, then everything changes. I react. I have noticed this before but my application has not been effective here, so i'm having a further look into this, so i can be more effective with letting go of this mind fiasco.

As soon as I calculate that what the person is ordering me to do will not meet the monetary requirements I expect for doing the order, then within and as my mind I transform into this “ giant millionaire god character” where I believe that I am “too important” to be ordered around for such a little monetary gain, where i purposely will do the job ineffectively or not at all. As this character I directly imagine myself as something I’m not, imaging that I am the creator of all orders, and as the “creator of all orders” I am thus above any order being directed at me unless the reward is a “godly” reward meaning as much money as possible as a giant salary.

As this character, common sense goes completely out of the door, i become completely deluded, as there is only the self-interested projection of myself as a hologram in my mind, looking for acknowledgement, pretending to be a “wealthy powerful” person to attain energy from others that I have successfully deceived into believing that I “know what I’m talking about” to make a lot of money, without slowing down breathing and realizing that it is impossible and extremely manipulative to claim to know how to do anything in this world without having actual direct physical experience of the claim.

As this character there is no consideration about whether I actually need to do the job to support myself regardless of what I believe in my mind about the lack of monetary income in the job. As this character I project myself as an imaginary larger form of myself in an attempt to paint myself as a “powerful important person” to others, where I accept an idea of myself as a person that gives orders but does not take them.

Physical behaviour changes clearly happen when i'm existing as this character, very arrogant posturings as I puff my chest out, speak with a more “deep authoritative” voice, rant and rave emotionally with a sarcastic angry tone, cut across people in conversations purposely as I see the other persons words as meaningless while I’m existing as this character, even if some of what the person is saying is true. I stare at a person competing with them, where I will not look away until they look away first because after all a “giant millionaire god” never backs down first. I walk with extra-large strides where the whole time I picture myself as causing earthquakes of “respect” with my “powerful authority” as I place each step lol very fucked up. 

I realize that this is all just bullshit happening in my mind and so must be stopped immediately, because within and as this character I am completely limited and not able to move in accordance with what is best for all, because all that becomes the focus as this character is the fulfillment of self-interest in total separation from the physical. Nothing that is beneficial for all can come from this character, only conflict as abuse, because as this character I am completely enslaved within and as the ego and an idea about myself which obviously does not consider all life, so I am not willing to accept this. I commit myself to ending this self-created stupidity now because it is best for all.  

Join me in my next blog as continue the investigation/correction of this point as I walk in my 7 year journey to life...

Day 94: The "Positive" Forest Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/define the forest/nature/plant life as being “positive” within and as my mind. I realize that I have created a polarity where I believe/define cities to be “negative” and the countryside to be “positive” in total separation of myself. I realize that there is no “positivity” or “negativity” that exists within forests or cities, because this is one physical reality we all exist within, so there is only that which is best for all and that which isn’t, so this “positive” “negative” forest/city concept is actually only happening in my head and thus is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this polarity as myself in complete separation, because i realize that through me allowing separation I am feeding into and supporting the separation of each and every human in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any time I accept and allow a positive/negative valued judgement about anything in my mind, then clearly this very fact is showing me that I am being controlled, that I am not living in the real physical reality we all share, that I am enslaved within and as that which is not real, and so from this starting point I am not really existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the words Forests, Nature, Plant life to the word positivity within and as my mind in absolute separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe through accepting this “positive” forest point, that anybody or anything that is surrounded by forest/nature/plant life etc is automatically a “more positive” person then someone who lives in a city. I realize that this is completely insane because within this I am saying that something outside of a person is what makes a person “good” or “bad”. I realize in fact that it actually costs a lot of money to live in the countryside in this country and others, so therefore the majority cannot have the opportunity to live in the countryside while I’m sure many would like to. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my valued judgements about the forest to affect how I see people, where I am only looking at people through the mind in complete inequality, rather than seeing people here equally as a physical being like me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that where a person lives has nothing to do with if they are a “good” or “bad” person, it really comes down to how much money a person has. If we have a lot of money we can choose where we would like to live in any part of any country, where as if we have no money we have no say about where we are living we simply must take whatever we can get.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that through believing/defining people that live in forests as “more positive” that really all I am actually saying is that I prefer rich people to poor people, which becomes apparent in my behaviour when I am around a rich person that has a house in the countryside, and then when I am around a person that lives in the city, where I seem to act more friendly to the rich person in the forest, whereas people from the city I tend to be more snappy towards. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my behaviour to change around people that live in different areas which reveals unconscious programming running, and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate my behaviour around different people according to where they live until now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself growing up to believe that it is only in forests where there are many beings of different kinds, where there apparently is more “positive” life in complete separation of myself. I realize that no matter where I am I am actually surrounded by many beings right down to the atomic level and I realize that life is life no matter where I am, there is no such thing as “more positive life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define clean air in the forests to be “positive” when in actual fact there is no positivity within this, I realize this is my minds reaction to the clean air I’m breathing, and that yes its cool to breathe clean air, but there is nothing “positive” about it, this is only happening in the soap opera of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as and perpetuate memories I had growing up, where I have been believing and defining the forest as a gigantic adventure area for having fun, which of course it is not at all, because it is a place where multiple beings live together not a play area for humans. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect adventures in the forest to “positivity” within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I go into the forest, that I am stepping into “another world” when really this “stepping into” “another world” is an imaginary step which is only taken in my mind through my allowance. Because I realize in common sense that the forest is not a doorway to another world, but is actually just a piece of this one physical world we all share. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the forest to “another positive world”, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for another world in the forest in an attempt to escape this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe even for a moment that it is “positive” to be in another world, because while I am in “another world” in my mind I am completely deluded, completely cut off from what is reality where I cannot stand as the directive principle of what is best for all, but instead I can only indulge my self-interest as a fucked up starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a concept based on knowledge and information I heard from others about spirituality, that there is “special energies” that come from plant life which I can “absorb” to “assist” with “ascension”. I realize that this is complete self-deception, as there is no tangible evidence to validate this in anyway, in common sense we can see that there is no “positive special energies” that exists within plant life. I realize that plant life is exactly that plant-life. To suggest that plants have “special extractable positive energies” is actually to say i desire to have “special powers” above others, to take from the plants to be ascended above the plants in total self-interest. So within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand in all moments that no matter what fantasy my mind conjures up about forests/nature/plant life, that fact is simple that both humans and plants do work in unison together not regarding energy in our minds, but regarding breathing, we are both here physically breathing together and what both we humans, plants, animals, fish, insects all share in common is that we require adequate physical support to exist and grow here, not “positive energies”.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment I am in a forest, that if my behaviour changes, then its clear that I am stuck in the mind. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to smile more, and to have more bounce in my step within and as a “positive” energy. I realize that this clearly shows that I am not physically here within being in forests, that in fact I am creating an energetic experience in separation from the forest while deceiving myself into believing that I am “more in touch” with the forest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am “at peace” while I am in the forest surrounded by nature. I realize that there is no real peace that can be created through something else giving me the peace. I realize that this world is not at peace in anyway, and that for peace to become a manifested reality here, requires me to walk as the directive principle of peace, through doing what is best for all in every moment.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to create, perpetuate and exist as a polarity concept that forests/plant life/nature is “positive”. I realize that there is no positivity or negativity that exists in physical reality, there is only what is here, only what is to the benefit of all life and that which isn’t.

I commit myself to not allowing positive/negative valued judgements created in the mind to define who I am. I realize that who I really am is breathe as the physical.

I commit myself to stopping immediately whenever I see that I am making a polarized valued judgement, because ei realize that within making these judgements I am completely entrenched within and as my programmed mind in self-interest and in complete separation from life which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the words forest, plant life and nature as myself in equality and oneness as definitions that stand the test of time, I do not accept myself to create any “positive” mind connections to these words.

I commit myself to treating all people equally as I myself would like to be treated, without separating myself from people through judging people as “good” or “bad” according to if they live in a forest or not. I realize that many people that live in cities would actually prefer to live in the forest, but due to lack of money and work commitments it is not possible for majority of people to live in the forest.

I commit myself to seeing all human beings as equal as life regardless of whether they are rich or poor or where they live.

I commit myself to living the realization that I am always surrounded by many living beings regardless of whether I am in the forest or not.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to believe/define that cleaner air in the forest is a “positive” thing because i realize this is complete separation of myself where I am literally saying that “better version” of breathe is in the forest which is total self-deception. I realize that while it is cool to have clean air to breathe, that there is nothing “positive” within this, because who I really am is breathe, not only “clean breathe” lol. I also realize that there are many forests in this one physical reality that do not have clean air at all, in fact quite the opposite due to de-forestation, burning of fossil fuels in forests and uses of harmful chemicals in many forests.

I commit myself to investigate and remove any physical behaviour changes that may occur when I am next in a forest. I accept self-honesty as myself,  I do not accept myself to exist in separation from physical reality, so my physical behaviour should not be changing whether I am in a forest or not, I must be stable as breathe wherever I am.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to define forests as adventure playgrounds through revitalising childhood memories of having adventures in the forest. I realize that forests are a network of living beings, not a holiday adventure camp.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to define forests in my mind as being “another world” as I realize this is absolute separation, because forests are just one part of the entirety of this one physical reality. I realize that there is no “other worlds” that exist here, there is only what is here, any other worlds I believe to be real, has only been created in my mind.

I commit myself to exposing the deception in this world that plant life has “special positive energies” as many spiritualist people will claim. I realize that plant life works in unison with us according to physical laws of breathe neither plants, humans or any form of life on earth require “positive energies” to grow, we only require physical support such as sun/water that plants need. I realize that anyone that is speaking about acquiring “special positive energies” from plant life is completely possessed within and as ego, and are actually just looking to use plant life for their own self-interest so that they can “ascend” and leave the plant life behind.

When and as I see myself creating any “positive” valued judgements about forests/plant life/nature etc, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to get involved with/accept any mind movements whatsoever as I realize that any “positive” concepts about the forest will only have been conjured up in my mind. I do not engage, I discipline myself within and as breathe, and continue diligently until there is no more mind shit existing here.      

Day 93: The "Positive" Forest

So when I was writing my last blog about a fear of the City, what I noticed within the point was that I have lots of positive value in my mind about forests, and anywhere that is close to a lot of plant life in some way. It’s a polarity I have created and been accepting as myself in separation from reality that cities are “negative” and areas in the country side are “positive”. Obviously within this for instance I see people that live in the countryside as “more positive” then people that live in cities, it seems that any person or object that is surrounded by the forest automatically becomes “better” in my mind.

In my memory I can see that I’ve always liked the fact that when I am in a forest surrounded by nature, that I am surrounded by living beings of all different kinds, that I’m having clean air to breathe, and that growing up I associated the forest to adventure, that I’m stepping into “another world” all of which I have accepted as positive in my mind. It’s interesting because when we look at someone who exists as this "positive" forest character in the world, many will talk about “positive energies” from plants for instance as this character seems to go hand in hand with spirituality beliefs of “higher powers” that come from “other things” that are “coming to us” to magically make a more “positive” world.  

 In common sense though anyone can see that there is no “positivity” that exists within nature, this is only my minds response interpretation to nature, my minds super imposed pantomime over the top of physical reality. Because in fact whether I am in the countryside, or whether I am in a city, the fact is who I really am is always here as breathe, not outside of myself in a “positive” experience. I mean I’m always surrounded by living beings, in forests and in cities, so there is no reason that my experience of myself should be changing when I am in a city or a forest.

Forests/Nature is simply a network of interconnected beings that are a part of this one physical reality like everything else here, and obviously plant life do not care about any “positive” experience we have around them, plant life lives according to the laws of the physical, therefore plants only need water/sun to grow and enjoy life, not imaginary “positive energies”.

I notice that when I am in the countryside, certain behavioural changes occur, for instance I tend to smile a lot more and have a bounce in my step as i transform into this “jolly tree hugging” character "in-love" with the forests lol. This is all indicative that I am trapped within and as my programming where I experience myself as “at peace” when I am in a forest close to nature. So I can see that my staring point in relation to cities and forests has been complete separation throughout my life, when in fact both cities and forests are both equally here as this one physical reality, and this one physical reality is certainly not “at peace” currently.

Obviously it’s cool to live near nature if one is able to do so, yet this is not possible for many, and it is no justification for creating and existing as various mind dimensions in relation to nature, so there is no reason for this clear programming to be existing, so I take responsibility for myself to stop feeding into this self-deception and to instead remove this brainwashing through effective self-corrective application.

Join me in my next blog as I walk self-forgiveness/living commitments.