Day 92: Fear of the “Dark City” Part 2

So continuing from my last blog –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear when going to and being in a city when I realize that this fear is not actually real it is only happening in my head through my acceptance and allowance where I am completely enslaved within and as the pre-programmed mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically tense up and be generally more rigid in my stance when I am in the city as a manifested consequence of my acceptance and allowance of this fear of cities. I realize that my body should not be tensing up at any point in my life as a result of things happening in my head, and if my body does tense, it only goes to show me that there is self-investigation and self-correction needed immediately. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and directed within and as this fear of the city where every movement I make while I am in a city is from a starting point of ego, I realize that I must take self-responsibility to diffuse this fear through self-corrective application of breathing where I am stable, where I stand as the self-directive principle of equality and where I can make common sense decisions/movements as to what is best for all.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word city to fear within and as me, in absolute separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word dark to the word city and to fear in absolute separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word matrix to the city where I experience myself as neo looking for the quickest way to get out of the matrix in total separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and constant backchat while I am in a city that “something is going to go wrong, get out”, as if imaginary walls in my mind close in on me as a claustrophobic experience, where I make rash self-interested decisions, focusing only on getting out of the city as soon as possible rather than slowing down through breathing and moving in line with what is to the benefit of everybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being in a survival computer game in my mind when I am in a city, where my only aim is to escape the city, “completing the level” before something bad happens. I realize however that this computer game in my head is not real at all, it is just a clear example of how unstable I am in cities, that I am not here as breathe but rather I am completely entrenched within as the mind, which must be stopped now no matter what, so I walk until there Is no fear of cities that exist. And within this I forgive myself that I have not realized that allowing myself to exist as fear of the city constantly worrying about something bad happening is only going to assist in something physically fucked up actually happening, because being stuck in the mind as an energetic experience always has fucked up consequences. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive erratically when I am in a city which I realize is an outflow consequence of accepting and allowing this fear of the city system to exist. I realize that driving erratically anywhere, especially in busy places like cities is something which has no benefit for me or anyone else, and can equate to a serious crash so this must be stopped now before anyone is harmed as a result of my city instability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore/supress this fear of the city that I have been allowing for years while I have been going to the city every 2 months sometimes more for the past 4 years, and many times before that, all the while kidding myself that this fear of the city will just “magically go away” when really in self-honesty I have been getting more and more unstable in relation to cities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create excuses/justifications in my mind to not go or to delay going to a city whenever I am faced with a situation where I have to go to a city for some reason. I realize that through my acceptance and allowance to exist as a fear of the city, I have repeatedly delayed or cancelled seeing friends in the city, having job interviews in the city and not as often as friends and jobs, but sometimes I have purposely delayed seeing my son until a day or week after when I have scheduled with the mother to pick him up, which of course fucks things up for her as well. This is all derived from my allowance to exist as and be directed by fear, and I realize that this is not beneficial for anyone accept myself as a mind possessed robot in self-interest, I change my starting point now in relation to cities from the mind to breathe where there Is no excuses/justifications which can be formulated, which will be best for my son, best for my sons mum, best for my friends, best for any job opportunity, very clearly best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind define my son as a “beacon of light” surrounded by darkness, which I realize is where I am fucking myself within the creation and perpetuation of a polarity where I see my son as “positive” and literally everything else In the city I define as “negative”  “dark” and “evil”. I realize that this is not actually true in anyway, this is just a stage play happening in my head where I actually become completely possessed by the point of “protecting” my son from the “dark forces” all around him as some kind of “light protector” character. So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a “hero character” in my mind in relation to my son living in the city, where I see myself as my sons “saviour” from the “darkness” all around him, which is complete self-deception, as I realize that I cannot actually “save” others from anything which is only imaginary in my head, to imply so is a complete ego fuck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this fear of cities in my mind because of knowing that gangs are much more ruthless in the cities and within this carrying a constant fear that my son will be sucked into a violent gang like I was. I realize however that while gangs are indeed majority of the time more violent from cities; this is no justification for fearing the city, no justification for fearing my son getting involved with gangs. I realize that my life is prove that a city is not to blame for getting involved in gangs, because although I was born in a city in a gang area, when my mum moved us away to the seaside town of Bournemouth I still got involved with gangs. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/believe that while my son is living in a city that he is more likely to be affected by gangs, when in fact this is not true as my life has proven. I realize that I cannot control my son’s future, all I can do is work with him while he is with me, planting seeds within him that will assist him in knowing and doing what is best for all as he grows up. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe even for a moment that I can control my son’s future by taking him out of the city, as if the city is the problem when in reality the problem is in my head. 

I forgive myself that I have not realized that a huge percentage of discussions/arguments I have had with my sons mum have been because of accepting this definition of my son as the “beacon of light”, me as the “light protector” and my sons mum as an agent of the “evil dark city”, which I can clearly see in self-honesty is very fucked up because my sons mum is life, despite the differences between us in our minds, she is equally a human just like me. I realize that many arguments would have been prevented through releasing all this mind shit I have developed in my head regarding cities, so it’s time to walk now until it’s done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity in relation to the city and the countryside, where in my mind I see the city as “negative” and the countryside as “positive” within which I am constantly moving back and forward in complete instability enforcing the fear of cities which is not acceptable. I realize that while cities are manmade structures, that both cities and the countryside are both equally here on earth, within this one physical reality, there is no separation between them that is real; it is only in my head. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by films that I have seen in my life which depict a dark city, films like: Blade runner, Dark City, Sin City, Wicked City, Batman films, Monster City, The Crow, the Matrix and many others I have clearly become emotionally involved with and allowed the films to charge this city fear, instead of remaining here as breathe unmoved by films, just watching the film, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the mind to films, creating internal experiences in relation to films and then believing these experiences are real, when in fact i realize that it is only the film that is physically manifest, and thus is real, yet how I experience myself in relation to the film is clearly not manifest in anyway, thus it is not real. I accept and allow myself to watch films from a starting point of breathe, not allowing myself to create and define any reactions to the film to be real in anyway.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust negative Memories of cities as being valid justified reasons for existing as this fear of the city, when in actual fact within trusting memory I am actually then saying that memory is real, that memory is life, when anyone can see in self-honesty that memory is not real at all, it is simply pictures in the head, so it is completely insane and dangerous to make positive/negative valued judgements about things based on memory because within that I entrap myself in an eternal time loop of love/fear based decisions in self-interest, never considering for a moment that all of it is not even real. I stop this now.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is any valid justification that exists for fearing a city, because in self-honesty I know that there is no justification for allowing this fear, there is no practicality within this fear so it is completely unnecessary and must be removed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define  - gangs, lots of traffic, lots of police, lots of commercialism, lots of cameras, my sons mother, my father, lack of nature, big banking, noise pollution, fuel pollution, bombings, riots, confusing driving signs, lack of parking, racial tensions to be negative things that are separate from me. I realize that none of these points are “negative” because there is no “negative” or “positive” that exists in anything, that is all an illusion, there is only that which benefits all life, and that which doesn’t. I realize that everything in this world is a part of me, I am responsible for everything that is here, no matter how I perceive a particular place/person/object to be in my mind is irrelevant, we are all here together as this one physical reality, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame these points for my own accepted fear of cities, when in fact I daily participate in a system that is responsible for the creation of all these things, and thus I am  equal to all these things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as ego blame cities and what happens in cities to be the centre of capitalistic evil, as if all the abuse that happens in this world is something separate from me, and is the fault of “dark cities”, when in fact I realize that yes some fucked up shit happens in cities, but fucked up shit happens everywhere in fact. I realize that abuse in this world is not centred in certain areas; while some areas have more poverty/crime/luxury then others yes, but globally abuse is happening in every city, in every town, in every village, in every country in every person. We are all responsible for ending this harmful relic of a system which is causing so much suffering and contrast in living standards, because we are the ones that created and create what is here in every moment, we are allowing this suffering outside because we are allowing suffering inside of ourselves. Let’s change this system to an equal money system where all the fucked up shit in this world will step by step be evaporated out of this world, by first taking responsibility to live equality in every way in our lives, then spreading that to all life in this world.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to continue existing as a fear of the cities, as I see that there is no benefit for anyone from this fear, it is not real and thus within the acceptance of this fear I accept myself to exist as that which is not real which is unacceptable.

I commit myself to exposing and living the realization that the darkness of man is not centralized to cities, to places outside of ourselves it is within and as each and every one of us that the abuse on earth is existing.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to judge cities as “negative” places due to valued judgments of specific things in cities like traffic, cameras, gangs etc and because of memory, I realize that there is no negativity that exists in physical reality, there is only what is best for all and that which is not, and clearly in common sense I see that fearing cities is not best for all, and is all originating from me completely.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to define my son as a “beacon of light” surrounded by darkness in my mind, because i realize that this is where I have defined myself as some kind of “saviour” character in my mind, where I have then had many unnecessary arguments with my sons mother. I commit myself to stopping this performance inside myself as it is of no practical benefit for anybody other than my ego, and being as I am walking a process of complete egocide, there is no room for this shit to exist.  

I commit myself to not allowing anxiety backchat from fear dictate how I direct myself while in a city, I realize this is not acceptable, as it only results in rash/rushed self-interested movements so I take responsibility for myself to focus on breathing only and direct myself accordingly in line with what is best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to blame the city for how I am experiencing myself when I am in a city, when in fact I realize that I am responsible for myself completely in every moment there is nobody else that is responsible, because within saying that other persons/things/places are responsible for my experience I am then saying that I can be brainwashed and controlled by specific persons/things/places which I am not willing to accept.

I commit myself to going to the city as and when I need to, instead of trying to avoid going there through being controlled by my own self-created fear. I commit myself to end this fear now.  

When and as I see myself fearing cities in anyway, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to create internal dramas in relation to cities through participation with thoughts, feelings and emotions. I discipline myself as breathe continually until fear of cities is ended for good.

Day 91: Fear of the “Dark City” Part 1

So i was born in Manchester which is a city in England, yet I have lived most of my life in the south coast town of Bournemouth. It’s interesting that whenever I go to London to pick my son up, or in general go to any city for work or to see friends, that I notice I always have this fear come up when I am approaching the city and when I’m in the city. It’s like the whole time I’m in the city there is constant backchat to get out of the city as soon as possible carrying an underlying worry that something bad will happen the longer I stay in the city, as if there is imaginary walls closing in on me the longer I stay there.

I can clearly see that I am literally stuck in the mind the whole time I am in a city. There are so many justifications in my head for experiencing fear about cities, it’s like I feel I’m trapped in the epicentre of the matrix and I must try and get out as soon as possible before the agents get me lol. I mean every time I go to pick my son up I literally pick him up and leave straight away only stopping at service stations on the way back to Bournemouth. I can see that in my mind I have defined my son as the “beacon of light” in relation to London, that he is surrounded by the “dark city” and that I must fight off the darkness closing around him, which I can see is where arguments in the past with his mother have stemmed from.

I realize that films I have seen growing up have had an effect on me trhough my allowance regarding this city fear. Films like Bladerunner, Dark City, Sin City, Wicked City, Batman films, Monster City, The Crow and many, many others  all of which depict a city where lots of bad things happens, a city full of fear.  

   

I can see that memories I have in my mind of cities are mostly not happy memories, as I got into a lot of gang troubles in cities in my teenage years which in my mind I have defined as negative, my father lives in a city who I also have defined as negative, my sons mother/family live in a city which I have defined as negative.  Also lots of traffic, lots of police, lots of commercialism, lots of cameras, lack of nature, big banking, noise pollution, fuel pollution, bombings, riots, confusing driving signs, lack of parking, racial tensions all of which happen in big cities which I have all individually defined as negative in my mind, thus I have been defining cities as negative creating an unnecessary polarity. So because I have defined so many negative things to be connected to a city in my mind, to see cities as the engine rooms of capitalistic evil, blaming cities, this has had the consequence of experiencing fear towards cities. 

I realize however that yes while there are many things that happen in cities that are harmful to life, there are many things that are harmful to life that happen everywhere, in every home in every country in every human. So I realize this fear of the city is not actually real, it is all just a drama happening in my head, I realize that I have just accepted and allowed the build-up of layers of thought/feeling and emotional response patterns in my mind about cities in complete separation of myself.

I am not willing to accept myself to be enslaved within and as ego, I take self-responsibility here to stand up and walk until there is no more fear that exists in relation to cities. I am the self-directive principle of what is to the benefit of all, and a fear of cities is not beneficial for anyone, fear has crippled humanity, so breathe by breathe I discipline myself to end this.

Join me in my next blog for self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements…           

Day 90: Racism Reactions Part 3 Mind De-Construction and Physical Re-Construction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as the pre-programmed mind as an angry annoyed reaction whenever I hear racism being spoken by someone. I realize that this reaction reveals my existence as ego in complete dishonesty, because these reactions are not aligned to what is best for all as no mind reaction is. I realize that what is best for all is to breathe here in total physical stability within which I do not allow myself to be controlled and enslaved as consciousness where there is reaction and definition of myself within and as thoughts, feelings and emotions which have no measurable substance in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being personally attacked by someone speaking racism just because they are speaking it, when this “personal attack” I experience inside myself is really just a defence mechanism of energy which  I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as. And I realize that this is also showing me that I’ve been  allowing myself to place myself as a victim in my mind, a self-created prisoner of my  personality attack where I sabotage myself. So Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim whenever I am around racism being spoken, I realize that this self-victimization is only happening in my head and thus is not based in reality and so must not be accepted in anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “just defending myself” through allowing myself to react in annoyance to and be influenced by the harmful words of another, when I realize that this attack/defence mechanism of reacting to racism is very dangerous as it only creates war, which is of no benefit to anybody, I realize that it is best simply to breathe and not react to the words of others. 

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that reacting to racism is equally as unacceptable as racism itself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that accepting and allowing myself to supress reactions is actually equally as unacceptable as racism itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future of humanity when I see a person accepting racism, as it is clear that racism is a huge part of the human races extinction yet within this I forgive myself that I have not realized that fearing our future being destroyed by racism is only feeding into that point unless I live the solution here as myself, as this breathe where I can direct myself and live in a way as to benefit all life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I accept and allow myself to be offended by racism, that it is justified to then start a conflict with the person, when in fact there is nothing in existence that justifies conflict, as conflict is the recipe for the end of all humanity on earth so I take responsibility to stop racist conflict here as this breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I cannot change another person’s perspective, I cannot change others, and to believe I can do so is complete self-entrenchment as delusional ego. So I take responsibility to live this realization, that I can only change myself, and so I change myself here to not allow myself to react in the mind to racism, I instead allow myself to breathe and direct what is best for all in every moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience/define myself as “uncomfortable in my own skin” when I hear a person being racist to others, when really this is completely unacceptable as I realize that I cannot change this persons perspective, and I cannot change my skin colour so this uncomfortability is completely unnecessary. I realize that this is only a drama which is happening in my head, and so is not real or practical at all. I realize that even if a person does change their skin colour like Michael Jackson for instance, that it does not change what is behind the skin, it does not change what I accept and allow inside myself in relation to racism, and in fact changing skin colour is actually a submission of myself to the mind which I do not accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame England as a state of ego when I see/hear racism in this country, when I realize in self-honesty that racism is a worldwide human problem. I realize that there is no escaping racism by leaving the country, there is no escape for any of us from what is accepted and allowed here, so I must face what is here and direct what is here to what is best for all, de-constructing myself as a mind possessed robot into and as a physical being here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define racist people as “negative”, when I realize that this is where I have created a polarity friction within and as myself where I am reacting and judging people according to how racist or “bad” I believe them to be. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity in my mind in relation to those that accept racism, where I realize I am constantly unstable which is unacceptable. –  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in every moment that I judge a racist person as “negative” that I am actually feeding into that racism, feeding into the whole conflicting capitalist starting point of the human as myself. And within this I forgive myself that I have not realized in every moment that in actual fact everyone has accepted and allowed some form of racism in their lives, I know I have, so again this exposes the fact that attacking racist people, blaming them for their beliefs is completely unacceptable because it is actually just us attacking ourselves which is completely deluded and must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge racist people as something “weird” and “evil” when really someone that accepts racism is just a human like me, no different, and if I place myself in the shoes of this person, then I realize that I have been taught by my environment/parents to accept racism within and as myself. So again this reveals that judging and defining those that accept racism as “weird” and “evil” is complete self-deception, because if I had lived their life I would be outwardly accepting racism as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself even for a moment that I am separate from the evil in this world through defining racism to be “out there” “in someone else” when as i have said earlier, the problems in this world have been supported and manifested by us all, so we have all experienced racism, racism is an act of abusive evil, and so there is no evil separate from us in this world. I realize that all forms of abuse are evil, and that we humans are responsible for the creation and perpetuation of a system that allows such abusive things to happen in our world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-belief that I can “get over” racism, when I realize that there is nothing that can be “got over” like leapfrogging a hurdle, this implies complete self-suppression/deception of myself . I realize that the only way to transcend a system within and as me is to ground the system here, to earth the energy so to speak, in each moment through self-corrective application of breathing. Take self-responsibility to cut the mind off from its energy of racism reactions as I realize that I am the directive principle of myself through breathe, I decide here what is beneficial for all life and what is not, it is clear that racism reactions are not best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see a person that openly accepts/supports racism to get hurt in some way as a means of “getting back” at the person as form of a manifested “serves you right” point, when really there is no “right” in a person being harmed, that concept is complete bullshit no matter what their mental delusion is. Wanting to harm others in a egotistical believed form of “justified revenge” is the mathematics for endless war which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relive childhood memories of racism when I was playing football through reacting in ego as experiencing annoyance to people in YouTube videos of racism. I realize that this instance of reaction to racism is actually cool because it reveals that I have deluded myself growing up through suppressing my reactions to racism, where I believe that I am “above racism” that I am “over reacting to racism” when I realize that this YouTube event really shows that I have not walked out these reactions effectively, that I still can be controlled by others. So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have been supressing reactions to racism for most of my life, that getting in trouble at school for “defending my race” as a youth, is where I led myself to believe that I must  supress my reactions, adding layers to this racism system within me as I grew up in this world, which I realize actually shows me that my criminal behaviour in my teenage years was really in part just an outflow consequence of not dealing with reactions to racism effectively. I stop now.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react to racism that is spoken around me, as I realize that to react to racism is equally as unacceptable as the racism itself. I am not willing to be controlled by the words and actions of others, all I can do is breathe and direct myself here where I am stable and can make common sense decisions as to what is the best action to take in every moment as to what supports life equally.

I commit myself to not entertaining ideas in my mind that I would be justified in reacting to a person being racist as a form of “defending myself” as I realize this is complete deception which creates nothing but war, so I do not allow this.

I commit myself to showing in this world that while racism is an act of abusive evil, it is ignorance in action, however it is equally as abusive and evil to react to racism and/or supress reactions to racism, because those reactions and/or suppressions will manifest in some way in our lives and will inevitably cause an abusive evil outcome as is the basis of the point.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to experience myself as “uncomfortable in my skin” when a person speaks racism around me. I realize that I cannot change other peoples mind, and that I cannot change my skin that I am born with, and even if I could change people’s minds and change my skin, that would not correct the problem. The problem is I have been stuck in the mind allowing myself to be influenced/brainwashed by the words and deeds of others through allowing myself to be “uncomfortable in my own skin”. 

I commit myself to disciplining myself as breathe, where there is no uncomfortability about any part of my body that I experience because that uncomfortability is only in my mind based in energy and so is not real. I commit myself to breathing and being completely comfortable in my own skin no matter what.

I commit myself to consistently placing myself in the shoes of others in every moment, which reveals those that openly support racism, as a person that supports any point of abuse has been conditioned through the family/environmental structures that they were exposed to growing up. 

I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear the future of humanity when I see racism accepted by someone, because although racism is a disastrous recipe for the end of humanity, accepting and allowing myself to exist in fear of this is unacceptable instability of myself that actually assists in the continued downward spiral of humanity, and does not support/create a world of no racism as an example, but rather only disempowers me in believing that “it’s too late for humanity”, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy of doubt which assists nobody in living what is best for all, so I stop.

I commit myself to creating a world as myself here that deletes racism and racial reactions of all kinds from existence, as racism and everything that goes with it has no place in the building of heaven on earth.

When and as I see myself ever reacting to racism, I stop and breathe. I do not allow myself to engage with any mind movements, as I have seen the consequence of racism reactions all my life, and the consequence is only ever abuse. I commit myself here to create what is best for all, so I breathe and continue to do so; step by step I walk continually until I am clear of racism reactions completely.

     

Day 89: Racism Reactions Part 2 Childhood Memories

So continuing from my last blog, I remember when I was about 10 years old in primary first school, I enjoyed playing football and I was on the school football team at the time. I remember one day during a lunch break that me and a load of other kids played a football game on the school field.

I noticed before the game started that there were two kids making jokes about starving kids in Africa, and that if you told an African starving kid if he scored 3 goals he would get free food that he would score 3 goals every game. They started laughing a lot about this joke and then started coining a phrase “run nigger nigger nigger nigger for your dinner dinner dinner dinner”.

This obviously made me uncomfortable during the game, as I was the only ethnic kid playing in this game of about 20 or so kids. And I remember that during the game these two kids were occasionally just saying this run nigger “joke” during the game while I was on the ball. My friend was occasionally telling me to ignore it, and we kept saying stuff back to the two kids like “shut up you fucking twats”, but as they kept saying it in intervals, after 20 minutes into the game I was starting to get really pissed off about it, just like this anger boiling up inside of me. 

And then I just snapped at one point and ran after one of the kids, screaming at him kicking and punching him when I got hold of him in an emotional barrage of rage. The teachers had to drag me off him, and I remember crying, being completely consumed by emotions, using every swear word I could think of as I was being pulled away, but also I remember feeling very satisfied and pleased with myself that I had burst out some aggression on one of these kids which obviously I was blaming for my internal reactive experience to their words. Both me and the two kids saying racist comments were given detention, but I was also given a suspension because I hurt the kid pretty badly, and I swore at the teacher dragging me off a lot as well.

My mum was called and I was allowed to go home for the day, and when I got home my mum gave me a hug and I remember crying again, I was so upset that football the game that I enjoyed playing so much turned into me getting suspended. Then I remember going into a long rant with my mum about how I really wished I could just remove my darker skin and just have white skin like all the other kids. 

 I can even remember saying to my mum that I want to have skin surgery like Michael Jackson or if not then maybe I should kill myself. My mum was obviously massively concerned by this, and we started talking more often on a “deeper” context then we used to after this, where she would  tell me that I just had to ignore racism and rise above it, which is really what everyone from my school teachers and friends were telling me to do. Of course nobody could realize that along with getting a suspension this whole event led me to get used to supressing my reactions to racism rather than facing up to them, taking responsibility and dealing with them effectively.

So growing up in this world I obviously had no teacher to show me how I could teach myself to investigate and release thoughts, feelings and emotions about racism because clearly capitalist education systems are not set up in a way to teach children the fundamentals of the operation of the mind and self-development. So I just bottled everything up which then began to manifest in one way through my teenage years by getting involved in crime, where I would purposely burst my judgements of myself and others onto existence. 

So I can see that this footballing racism event was one catalyst point in my life regarding racism reactions which have come up again recently while I was watching videos on YouTube that I mentioned in my last blog.

I realize that while racism is completely unacceptable, that it is equally completely unacceptable for me to be unstable when faced with the point of racism directly or indirectly being around me, as blaming/attacking racist people inevitably leads to war as the self-entrenchment as ego which is of no benefit to anybody. And clearly my life has also shown me that supressing reactions to racism is not acceptable either, as that leads to the supressed emotions coming out in other avenues in our lives which will inevitably result in self-abuse and the abuse of others as is the basis.

I take self-responsibility for myself, to re-create my starting point in relation to racism, where I am stable here as breathe through disciplined self-corrective application when I am faced with racism again, not allowing myself to go into and exist as the pre-programmed mind, blaming others for my reactions and/or supressing reactions.

Join me in my next blog as I walk specific self-forgiveness and self-corrective re-scripting of myself to end all racism reactions in my world and my reality which is best for all.