Day 202: Being Content with what I have Vs Wanting More Part 2

So continuing from my last blog -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation through creating and feeding into a polarity friction between being content with what I have vs wanting more. I realise that there are moments where wanting more makes sense, and there are times when being content with what I have makes sense - but creating unnecessary hesitancy in my decisions and stress through going back and forth in my mind regarding certain decisions, makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the polarity friction of wanting more being a good thing and being content with what I have being a bad thing - I realise how I have mentally fucked myself from a young age to believe that the grass is always greener through this polarity friction definition of these words, but I have since realised that there is no good or bad in anything, there is only something helpful or unhelpful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being content as a negative connotative point, and wanting more being a positive point - I realise that this definition has limited my expression as life, and so has no place to be accepted any further in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold/keep reliving/adding layers to memories of having various collectable things as a child, and always wanting to have more then what I had - I realise that these memories are feeding into the limitation/separation of myself within making decisions to be content or want more at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare what I currently have to what I would like to have in my mind. I realise that this comparison does not really exist and so I cannot allow this to affect my behaviour/make decisions for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situation of buying a new car, by having back and forth thoughts that were almost arguing with each other about getting the same car, or getting a more expensive one.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that there is never any need for mental conflict within decisions, because really it is a matter of what ever is most practical and best for all life that is always the best decision to make in any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting more then what I currently have, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being content with what I have.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that there are times when being content with what I have is best, in terms of there is no need to get rid of what I have unless it becomes abusive, that goes for friendships, work, things I buy - unless they become broken I must be content.

However I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that there are times that wanting and pursuing more is best - for instance if a job can pay you better money or give you more enjoyment then your current job, or if your partner or friend becomes a abusive, then it makes sense to want and to go ahead and pursue more.

I commit myself to being content with what I have if it is practical to do so, I realise that unless something becomes abusive here, I have no reason not to be content here, as I am content with myself as a living being. So as and when I see my mind drifting and wanting more then whats here, and the motivations behind this want are not practical, then I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with any thoughts, instead I breathe and continue to do so, until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to wanting more if it is practical to do so, I realise that it is only ever practical to want more, if something here is abusive or not functioning effectively, if I know that the thing I am wanting will be much more physically supportive for me, then I must take it. So as and when I see my mind having thoughts to be content with something here which is abusive, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage any thoughts, as I realise that do so, would be to consider accepting the abuse that is happening here, so I continue to breathe until the thoughts do not come up any more, and thus I will be able to pursue a more beneficial point then what I have here.

I commit myself to living the realisation that within any decision, whatever is the most practical option, is always whats best for all and thus best for me - this means that being content and wanting more essentially become irrelevant, because the focus in decisions, is on what can be achieved feasibly and what will support me in my capacity to support all life equally.  

 

Day 201: Being Content with what I have VS Wanting More.

Everyone has been in a situation in their life where they have had to make a decision - this decision is in a moment where there is two or more options available to you in any undertaking.

For example maybe there are two jobs available to you even when you already have a job, maybe there is more options for a relationship even when you already have one, or maybe there is a pair of shoes you've been wanting which seem superior to your current shoes.

I started this back and forth question in my mind as a youngster, where i would be collecting things, like different types of stickers, marbles, pogs, conkers, and various thinsg of the like, where i would always be having a struggle of being content with what i have but also wanting more of a certain "rare sticker", constantly believing the grass is greener, looking to get to being content in the future, without actually ever bringing it here.

Do you notice that the grass usually always seems greener in your mind? It like a comparison experience that we go into and that can overwhelm us, and cause us to disregard what we already have, if we do not slow down within breathing and apply common sense - I have learnt in my life that really the grass is actually greener where we water it, meaning there is only improvement in our life where we actually take responsibility to nurture something

For me recently I had a moment where this decision came up - I was purchasing a new vehicle, and while I was doing this, then my mind was reacting to the situation as the thoughts start coming up  -

"I should just get the same vehicle, but a newer version, I'm content with this car, its what I know and its what I'm used to" and then seconds later thoughts like "I want a better car, I should spend more money and get a nicer car".

Then in the next moment I smiled and laughed at myself for experiencing this thought conundrum, because I realised that it made no sense really, because whatever is most practical and best for all is always whats best in decisions in our life - but in my mind this has been made more complex then what it really is  -

"Being content with the vehicle I have makes sense because I am used to this make and model, it requires no new learning, and is well priced" - but then judging myself for not going for a different more expensive model - "if I can afford the more expensive one, then why am I just trying to be safe with the same model? Am I trying to avoid driving a different car to avoid new learning?"

But then at the same time I have been judging myself for wanting more - "why do I really want an even better car? The new version of my current vehicle is fine, I just want  to show off in an even more expensive car, which is stupid"

So you can see there has been some stupid back and forth issues in my mind about something which should be reasonably straight forward.
Being content with what we have vs wanting more, is most common to middle class people, but really it is something that all classes from rich to poor experience - being content with what we have is always important, it shows commitment, loyalty, and a general stability regarding how we exist moment to moment - and when we have all of our basics to have a dignified life, with a few luxuries, it is very easy to be content with everything in our life remaining exactly the same till we die.

However, being content with what we have in every single decision is not always whats best for all - for instance, if you have a good job, then that is cool for you, and you should be content with it, yet at the same time - if there is a job that you have more passion for/and or can pay you much better for your labour time, and this job becomes available - why limit yourself to sticking with the job you have? Of course you must look at attempting to get this new job.

However wanting more can also be incredibly dangerous when you bring it into all decisions in your life - I would suggest looking at the film Scarface to understand how fucked up always wanting more ends up looking like - just accumulating more and more for yourself in self-interest until eventually you pop so to speak - always building relationships based "on a step" to the next relationship, like a vampire draining what you can from a person/undertaking, until there is an option that gives you more love/money energy then the last.

This is psychotic behaviour, and particularly in relation with other beings - if you continue to want more then and undermine the friendships/relationships that you already have, then you will end up exactly like Tony Montana with no friends left being shot to pieces by the consequences of your own actions.

So in my experience I would say that when it comes to friendships/relationships we should always be content with the ones we have, unless they become abusive - because if some element of a friendship/relationship becomes abusive, and if it cannot be resolved, then it makes sense to want a more beneficial friendship/relationship, and we should move to make that happen if necessary.

When it comes to work life, from my perspective we should only be completely content with our job if we are actually doing our passion that we enjoy. If we are not in a job that we are passionate about, then from my perspective we should always be open to any job that can increase our work enjoyment/and or our money.

Then when it comes to life purchases, I would say it is best to be content with the thing we have, until that thing is not working at full capacity, or there is an option to buy something else which will substantially improve some area of your life, without putting you in financial debt.

So if you have been experiencing a battle of being content vs wanting more in any area of your life, then join me next week as I continue to investigate this point.
    

Day 200: Are you making Mother Earth angry? Natures power will Trump you.

Its a statement that has helped me through the years in assisting myself to look after life to the best of my ability. Is what I'm doing pissing of this planet? is my conduct causing me to be a literal physical pain to planet Earth? I don't want to make her too angry, because i know what will happen when enough humans do that in unity - she will unleash her wrath in a way never seen before to silence the noise and harm of the humans.

Every being in this world needs to start getting used to asking themselves this question in day to day living - if today is my last day to be alive, will I be able to say to this planet that I did everything I could to make a better world and I am proud of my life? Or will I be saying that I didn't give a shit about this planet as long as I was happy in my selfish bubble of comfort? Are you proud of your life? Or are you ashamed? You know the truth when you are honest with yourself.

The minds of humans often struggle to deal with the fact that the physical is in control here, not the human mind - the pre-programmed minds of humans is based on energy and is finite - the physical is eternally here. Yet isn't it amazing that the pre-programmed human mind is so full of its own shit to not even see how much more powerful the physical is?

I would say next time you accidentally kick the corner of a door with your pinky toe - pay attention to how much such a minor physical bump hurt you, when mentally you probably couldn't even imagine that hurting you.

Do you know humans that have a problem thinking they are more important then others, more important and apparently more powerful then this planet? I do, and I tend to not get on well with people that think like that.

Its interesting that some of the worst beings on this planet, through self-dishonesty many of them believe they are not ashamed of the things they have done, that they are "above" shame and regret. In reality though when an abusive being is shown directly the harm they have incurred on others, then the crow like ghost rider effect of mother earth, will bring any being to their knees in shame of their deplorable actions that have harmed life - watch the film Powder at the scene where he transfers the pain of the shot deer into the human to understand this point, because if you could feel the pain you incur on others, would you still be harming people?  

Now anyone that I consider a true friend already asks themselves the question "am I making mother Earth angry?" automatically everyday, and takes step to maximise their support of life unconditionally each and every day -

But for anyone out there that is struggling to give a fuck about taking care of this planet everyday, don't worry, I understand where your head is at, I have been there before and its never too late to apologise to life and this planet through your words and your deeds.

So for all you abusers out there, that have yet to stand up for life, its time to stop playing games, so here is some support for you - in any moments where you think you are more important and more powerful then this planet, say for instance you consistently throw non degradable rubbish on the floor, or maybe your thinking of harming some people all the time -
In these moments I want you to start imagine a lightning storm/hurricane/tidalwave/volcanic earthquake the likes of which you have never seen before, a "super storm" if you will, happening at once destroying everything you've ever loved.

Even the worst of people have people and things that they favour and wouldn't want to see harmed, so in these moments where your thinking of hurting life, I want you to get used to thinking the opposite way, realising that every time you think and then act to abuse life, you take your loved ones and the human species one step closer to a human extinction planetary storm, because you have to get used to understanding the fact that this decision to abuse, is directly building towards the consequence of the end of human existence.

You don't really want that, nobody really wants that, nobody wants to see the true terror of Terra, so then take a deep breathe, check yourself remove the nasty thoughts to destroy and keep breathing until those thoughts are cleared out of your mind no matter how many times they come up.

Maybe you don't think the planet has such a power to challenge the "almighty pyramid", maybe you think that you are more powerful then the planet, I certainly know people that do, fools that will likely not realise the consequence of their actions until its too late, and they take their last breathe, but I assure you there is no power on this planet that can trump the power of the planet itself - never forget that, respect that and start taking care of the real boss here - Life.

Day 199: Why am I jealous when they talk to someone else? Part 2

So yes Jealousy, this is a not very cool experience which we are all familiar with, I've noticed a pattern with past partners of having moments of this experience repeating itself through the years. Really what I've noticed every time is that in the moments when I am jealous that the person I like and spend a lot of time with is around someone else of the opposite sex, I either do one of two things -

I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and then pretend to my self that I'm not experiencing this jealousy, and I suppress my reactions, saying nothing about it, but rather just "stewing inside". where there's a mental battle going on in my head that I keep to myself, of  thoughts like - "is she doing that? am i annoyed? no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm really not" then accepting that "I am apparently not" experiencing jealousy in self-dishonesty as the ego, when really I am.

I kid myself that this is effective and that I'm "dealing with it" but suppression never is truly dealing with anything. Then my behaviour towards the person will slowly become more silent, more direct in speech and colder in my general interaction, then if the person "gives me more reason" to experience jealousy, well then I usually just block that person from my life.

Or I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and I tell her about it immediately, complete honesty immediately, but that will usually result in a slowly escalating discussion based in sarcasm with every word, leading into an argument.
My voice gets louder and more direct in speech like daggers, as I try to enforce how "unfair this experience is" that I'm having, and blaming her that "your responsible for this experience" I'm having now.

I mean yeah its always best to bring up any reactions/experiences with your partner as and when they do, but if its going to be from an emotional starting point then that doesn't make sense, because only the inevitable will happen -

Because its interesting that the two ways I've been responding to jealousy experiences in my life thus far has not been effective, I mean seriously - the two routes I highlighted above only end up with me verbally and mentally hurting someone, and the relationship ending sourly. Also because I'm an intelligent and direct being, my ability to fuck someone up mentally is very effective when I'm caught up in some jealousy/annoyance experience.

From the moment of the first point of jealousy I experience towards this person I like that spends time with someone else, my mind begins to trace though all the memories of past partners/encounters, and i use this information to project into the future of what I believe will happen, which is a breakdown of the relationship.

I can see though how this future projection that i accept to be real, then begins to manifest through me physically accepting the relationship to slowly die, not because it actually has to be this way, but just because I was not able to remove this projection and just accept a repetition of the motions so to speak.

I can see that whenever I have had relationships with people in the past, once a connection is made, I become attached very quickly, so it is often based on a neediness experience, which fuels into and works in tandem with this jealousy experience.

I can see that because I have carried an insecurity about myself in my life, believing that I am not a desirable person to have a relationship with, and thus I am always expecting the person to want to walk away from me, so because of feeding into that, i try to cling hard on a person a like, which can be overwhelming.

I can also see that because I have had a lot of sordid onetime sexual encounters, and relationships based on sex, that I believe that once I meet someone that I like spending time with, that whenever they are not around me and I know they are around another male, I automatically assume that they are fucking or working towards some arrangement of fucking, with often 0% evidence of anything I'm assuming.

So there's been a lot of mental dysfunction here, so I'm in a process of learning now, that its best to write, self-forgive, and commit to breathing immediately in these moments so that I'm clear when discussing the point of jealousy with the person i like and generally moving forward in the relationship.

I have realised that whenever I am feeding into uncertainty in  my mind about a relationship with any being to any capacity, that that uncertainty will then manifest into an unstable relationship which does not benefit anyone.

So to me it is clear that I have to remove all the energy from this jealousy experience, deprive it of oxygen so to  speak, until through repeating a new script for myself enough times, i will have stabilised myself nicely within that point, transcending the reactions and pre-programming associated with those reactions.

So lets walk -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy when my partner spends time with another male, regardless of if that interaction is sexual or not. I realise that this experience is destructive and has been occurring in a pattern for many previous relationships with women, which is propelled by my insecurity and lack of trust for human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have gone and defined myself according to this jealousy experience, by repeating my participation with pre-programmed thoughts, which has affected my behaviour in relationships with people of the opposite sex in many ways, mainly resulting in an unstable and eventually broken down relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly pretend that I am not offended when I am experiencing this jealousy in Self-Dishonesty and dishonesty, where I also bullshit myself and everyone around me that "I'm fine, I don't mind" when in reality in annoyed -

 I realise that this self-dishonesty inevitably leads to me suppressing my jealousy reactions, but this suppression ends up with my behaviour becoming more erratic towards that person, where I will become more distant and less responsive to interacting with them, which then annoys that person, and then as soon as I experience any jealousy/annoyance or any negative emotion towards that person again, I will block them and not speak to them again.


So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my jealousy experience from my partner and I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that when I start becoming unresponsive, and cold towards a person that I liked/considered my partner, it is usually because of a suppression of a jealousy experience, where I thought to myself in the moment "I will get you back for making me feel this jealousy", and then I will suppress, pretend I didn't think that, and it will come out in behaviour like becoming more separate and volatile towards that person- fucked up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm ok" to my partner when she asks in dishonetsy, and to tell myself "I'm ok" in self-dishonesty, but in reality I'm "stewing inside" about reacting to her spending some time with another guy, having all kinds of mental ping-pong conversations about - "is she cheating on me? can i trust her? and I'm stupid for thinking these things about her, of course shes fine, no shes not, yes she is". Then these thoughts become charged and boom shit eventually hits the fan.

I realise that this experience is incredibly taxing,and I have found that once I breathe, remove the enegry, slow down and look at what is happening in my mind I can see how uncool it is to carry this kind of shit in my mind, and what the inevitable outcome will be of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as jealousy when the person I like is spending time with someone else, and then "confront them in honesty" about it straight away while caught up in the experience. I realise that this is not effective, because I end up just escalating from jealous/annoyance filled words of sarcasm, blaming this person for my experience, leading into both of us being offended, an argument ensuing, no effective communication expressed, and a weakening of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that I am pre-programmed like everyone to trust honesty, to believe that coming out and saying the truth straight away about my experience is always the best thing to do in a relationship with a person. But in reality, our true thoughts are nasty, and telling the truth to people while caught up in emotionally charged thoughts about them is a bad idea because you are guaranteed to offend the other person.

I realise that before I speak about anything, I must always be myself here breathing, where I am calmly able to discuss the point with clarity, understanding and common sense without any energy involved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of the other person, and realise how complex, cold and insulting i can be towards someone when i am offended and caught up in this jealousy experience. I realise that when someone talks to me with disdain, unnecessary complexity, and general harshness, I do not want to hear that person speak anymore, so it makes no sense that I would do that to someone I care about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories, intertwined with this new jealousy experience to project into the future about the relationship "inevitably failing" which i then physically make manifest in my interactions and daily participation.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to try and hold onto a person I meet that I like a lot, from a  kind of needy starting point, where in my mind once an initial connection is made, I feel almost as though i own the person and thus their movements, which then leads me to become very jealous when they choose to spend any length of time with a different male.

I forgive myself that I've not realised  in all moments that relationships which are best for all, have nothing to do with ownership, because they are unconditional in the support that is provided to each person, so if we are together excellent, if we spend some time apart now and then with other people excellent, that is healthy for any people that like each other, spending too much time with one person  can result in a needy possessiveness increasing, so as I am realising two partners spending some time apart is crucial to develop real trust of a person and in any type of partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure about my validity as a long term partner to the opposite sex, I realise that this is a big part of this jealousy experience as I define this person I like, as the "light of my life" where I desperately try to cling onto most of their time or as much as possible, and when they spend time with someone else, I  react as this avalanche of pointless jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume that because I have had one time sexual encounters/secret/affairs in the past, that when I meet someone I like and want to spend most of my time with, and they then go and spend time around someone else, then they must surely be fucking or building towards fucking with that other person, and usually this assumption is made without any evidence of what I'm assuming, but just being based on a "feeling".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what someone is doing to any capacity on a feeling which is not in anyway the same as basing something on physical fact here.

Madness.

I commit myself to not allowing this jealousy experience to dictate how I will live my life and interact with others, i am responsible for how i exist in every moment, so as and when i see myself having jealousy based thoughts in my mind, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts, as i know the cycle that will happen if I do, so I continue to breathe until there is no more jealousy based thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to making sure that whenever I want to discuss something I am reacting to about any person I am in any kind of relationship with, that I must be clear as breathe, where I can apply commons sense real time to the words I'm saying without this jealousy experience taking over - so as and when i see my mind getting caught in jealousy based thoughts, stop and breathe, I make sure that I before I consider discussing my reactions with the person I like/partner, that I am here as myself as breathe where reason can always be worked out.

I commit myself to not seeking and walking into relationships unless I am clear in starting point, and where there are shortcomings in my character that could potentially damage the relationship like this jealousy experience, I commit myself to walking in self-honesty here as breathe, where I will not allow these issues to decide who I will be within this relationship, so as and when I see my mind seeking and getting attached to a certain person, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate with any attachment and possessive based thoughts, I make sure I am clear as breathe no matter how many times this comes up when I am around this person.

I commit myself to living the realisation that i am only able to have more effective relationships in life, if I am able to transcend any shortcomings in my character which we all have, and this jealousy experience is a shortcoming that I take self-responsibility to end in my life.