Day 10: "I’m too weak for this" and developing Self-Trust

So when I look back in my memory it was interesting that as I started expanding my understanding of desteni material, what also started expanding in my mind was an idea based in self-doubt that “I’m too weak for this”.

But I found at the time, and I still do find that whenever a thought based in self-doubt comes up, that actually I am only for a justification to not stand for what’s best for all, desiring to be stronger, comparing myself to others without living stregth in solidarity as myself. it’s like there is a underlying desire to just live out a life of self-interest without any care for recreating myself as equality and oneness here. 

Then I notice that whenever I go into and become these kinds of self-doubting thoughts through my allowance in any moment, that I start purposely avoiding blogging/vlogging/re-education, and in general I become ineffective in every way, oversleeping, not assisting others with any tasks, being lazy with work, watching loads of TV, getting thoughts to do crime and in general just entertaining my mind locking myself in my room imprisoned within and as my programming, and within this I start judging myself as bad, worthless and useless, experiencing depression because I’m believing that “I’m too weak for this” then judging myself for believing I’m too weak to stand up for life.  

It’s cool though because every time these kind of self-doubting thoughts come up, I always know that it is just my pre-programmed mind trying to weasel a way out of doing what’s best for all, trying to direct me to feed on energy instead of living in the physical. 

And I have found as with any point of brainwashing that the more I apply self-forgiveness/self-corrective application on these kind of self-doubting thoughts I experience myself as, then the less the thought, feeling or emotion comes up, and eventually it ceases to come up all together.

Then the more I apply myself on thoughts based in self-doubt, and the more I apply myself within this process in general, then what develops is a point of self-trust, that I stand within and as, as myself, where I know in each moment that no matter what I dedicate myself to what’s best for all and disregard brainwashing that is abusive to life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too weak to do what is best for all, when in fact that is nothing more than an excuse, as my programming trying to find a way out of being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that anytime I believe I am too weak to walk this process, that I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as self-doubt, where I cannot move effectively and thus my ability to do what’s best for all is hindered by allowing this self-doubt, and thus my process is prolonged unnecessarily.

I forgive myself that I have not stood as a point of self-trust in every moment as myself where I am able to move more effectively in my process of self-realization, self-correction and self-perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fall into my pre-programming for the rest of my life, where I exist in total self-interest because of believing that I am too weak to do what’s best for all, when in fact  the belief that I am too weak is not actually real.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to desire to be stronger, without realizing that real strength is not a desire based in separation, but a living of a principle thats best for all in full commitment as myself in each moment.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare msyelf to others walking whats best for all within the desteni group as "better" then me, judging myself as less worthy which is just a point of polarity that i am allowing which disempowers myself without realizing that all are equal in this process, none are better then anybody else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to converse with my own backchat, deliberating whether or not I am able to live what is best for all for my entire life. When all that really does is fuck me up within opening the door to believing I have “free will” where I can pick and choose to not do what’s best for all, where I  justify my starting point of self-interest, existing in separation of myself which is not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid doing blogging, vlogging re-educating myself and in general being less effective at everything in my life purely because of believing in any moment that I am “too weak” as a point of self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that anytime I doubt myself, I am really just showing that I am not taking self-responsibility and that the programming I have existed as my entire life is simply looking for a way out of being self-honest and doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I just hide away in my room, that I can hide away from the abuse in this world as what I have allowed without realising that is not possible because I am responsible for everything that’s here, and I can only change what’s here through taking self-responsibility, not hiding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “bad” and worthless because of believing I am too weak to do what’s best for all, when that simply feeds into a point of polarity as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience depression because of believing that I’m too weak to do what’s best for all, and then judging myself because of believing this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too weak for this process, when in fact that is not real, and also in self honesty it is clear to me that there is no escape from this process, because there is no escape from myself as what is here through my allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire in my mind to find a way out of doing what’s best for all, when inevitably sooner or later each participant must realise that we are responsible for what is here, and thus is up to me to correct what is here to what’s best for all.   

I forgive myself that I have not realised that self-trust is something that I must develop as myself in each moment through applying myself within self-corrective application anytime a thought, feeling or emotion comes up wherein the more consistently I apply myself the more I can trust myself to live what is best for all in every moment. 

I commit myself to never again believe that I am too weak to do what is best for all, because i know that is not actually true in anyway, but is simply my programing trying to avoid living in the physical and instead to feed on energy.

I commit myself to developing myself within and as self-trust though consistent corrective application of myself, where I become more stable and trustworthy to do what is best for all in each moment.

Day 9 Journey to Life: Oh no I’m “losing” my “friends”! I’m all-one!

 So today someone told me about an argument they had with their friend and that they will not be seeing this person any more. And it was interesting because I had memories come up of when I first started changing myself to live whats best for all, because what became clear to me once I started walking my process of self-honesty, I soon realised that many people that I had considered as friends in the past immediately stopped speaking to me. Instead these people started sporadically attacking me and defining me as “the cult guy”, continuously mentally stabbed, which was interesting because I had many reactions towards this and obviously I have since stopped seeing a lot of people.

Initially I started experiencing emotions of fearing losing contact with certain people, anger, depression and isolation more than I ever had before, which was cool because I didn’t realise until that point that I had an addiction to attention from others. 

 

Then through continued self-forgiveness and self-corrective application using desteni tools, I was able to correct my continual desire for attention from others. Also within this I was able to look at all my “friendships” from a starting point of critical common sense decision making of what’s best for all – is this person actually assisting to be around within changing to what’s bets for all? Then I could see that majority of people I had classed as a friend was actually not a real friendship at all, and was only based in a point of energy support within each other. 

So essentially one by one I started cutting contact with a lot of fake friendships that are based in abuse, which certainly narrowed the field down a lot lol. The want for attention still comes up sometimes in certain situations; however it’s nothing like it used to be which is cool.

So this is something that I have developed in the past 3 years, where I’m able to enjoy myself here within and as what I’m doing, without having to look constantly for the energy of attention from others, where I’m only taking enjoyment from something outside of myself, and looking for the same in others, which is like saying I can’t enjoy myself without something else to do it for me which is self-enslavement within and as the pre-programmed mind consciousness system.

In fact I am all of existence, within which nothing can be “lost”, I’m responsible for everything that’s here which can be seen within the word alone. All-one, all is dependent on one as me being the starting point of heaven on earth, so anytime my mind is searching for “heaven” in another or anything outside of what’s here as breathe, I know it is not real. 

I am now at the point in my life where I do not give a shit if you like me or not, I’m only interested in real friendships being developed, where there is an unconditional support for each other to change and live in the physical. If you’re a comfortable abuser, that’s proud to be defined and limited, that doesn’t give a fuck about creating what’s best for all, then really I don’t want to be your friend – so I will not acknowledge your shit, I will not support your brainwashing, I will not participate with you while your allowing repeated abuse, because I know you’re a psychotic energy demon, because that’s what I used to be, so I’m only going to associate with you if work and sales networking requires it. 

This is why when destonians are friends the starting point is real, it is unconditional, so in most cases destonians will be friends for life, if they are both remain serious about doing what’s best for all, so it is not a temporary attachment to various points in each other’s programming, it is a real acknowledgment of each other as life, a real support of each other to be what’s best for all.  

So we are alone in this process, however there is support along the way, vital support which is what we do at desteni, we support each other to be resolute in our commitment to life. Support each other to live in the physical, that’s real friendship. Fake friendships will be exposed along the way as change thats best for all occurs. Every destonian must face this.

I’m not willing to go searching for anything outside of myself, as if my enjoyment of self here is dependent upon something else when it never is in fact.

I commit myself to standing within and as breathe anytime my mind begins to waver seeking for attention from others that are abusive.

I commit myself to taking self-responsibility for myself, I do not allow myself to believe that being alone is something “negative”, that ending “friendships” is “negative” as if I’m “losing” a part of myself, where my value as happiness is in another, a state of insanity, where everything I am is actually only existing outside of myself as the mind through my allowance, instead of realising that no matter how many “friendships” I have in my life, I cannot escape from myself, no one else can sort my inner shit out, breathe as the physical is always here and is the only point with which I can stop existing in illusion as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting attention from others, from those that I believe to be friends, instead of realizing that fear, desire and belief is of the pre-programmed mind and as such is clearly not real, so I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my fear of not getting attention from others is real and cannot be stopped, when in fact I only make this fear of not getting attention real through my participation, so if I stop participation in this point then there is no fear of not getting attention because I can see it only is real in my head, but not in physical reality time space here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger as myself towards myself and others for why I’m not getting attention from others, anger about feeling isolated and cast out by others, when this anger is not real unless I allow it and is not supportive in anyway so must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that anytime I project anger or any reaction of the mind towards others, I am actually only enforcing my starting point of separation, because in self honest fact my inner experience never has anything to do with others. So whenever I blame other for my reactions, I’m really only blaming myself.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge an idea of having no friends and being on my own as a “negative” point as something depressing, which when I am self-honesty I see is not real only feed polarity as the mind and thus has no validity in participating in.

I forgive  myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience is always in general better with others, which automatically creates sadness that comes up when I’m not around people where I place my responsibility in the hands of others, which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only seek the fulfilment of my self-interest in people, and that by gauging how much self-interest I can indulge in with a person is how “good” the “friendship” is, when really that is showing me how abusive the friendship is.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that within seeking attention, acknowledgement, and the general fulfilment of my programming from others, I am in fact asking to be abused by others, so automatically I will be placed in many situations of abuse unnecessarily because of not taking self-responsibility to do what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually able to lose somebody in my life, when that is not possible, because in fact I encompass all of existence within and as my body.

I forgive myself that I have not realised it is a state of ego to believe I should never lose anything, because the day I die everything will be taken from me because I have no real ownership, any owner ship I think I have is simply ego talking. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that believing I should never lose anything, desiring attention from others, fearing not getting attention from others, fearing being alone, believing that I’m happier with others all of it is me allowing myself to exist within and as the hereafter, as ego, as an idea of myself, which is only in my mind and is thus not real in anyway whatsoever.

I commit myself to bringing an end to this insanity of the human condition that I have existed as for my entire life.  I’m not willing to exist in ignorance to the suffering of the majority, I commit myself to changing this world for the better, I commit myself to living in equality and oneness, supporting life to grow, treating every being how I would like to be treated, where on the day I die I have done all that I can to create a world that’s best for all.  

I did you a “favour”, so where’s my return “favour?”

So today an old work colleague called me and after the preliminary “how have you been” shit he quickly asked if he can borrow £300 off me. He said that he was taking a longshot by asking me, because people that he expected to help him have not offered any financial support. The reason he expected some other people to help him is that he gave some of them money when they were in a tough situation in the past, and so he expected that they would return the “favour”. 

He now resents these people he has given money too, purely because they haven’t given him any money back. It’s like what people do at Christmas - we give presents to someone, and when we don’t receive a specific present or reaction back from the person then we start to attack the person.

Now this person that called me for £300 I have known for over 3 years, I have never borrowed money of him, and he has never asked for money off me until now. And I explained to him a few years ago that he does too much charity, giving his money to other people at the expense of being able to support himself effectively. And because he has given so much money to others, he automatically expects others to help him with money when he needs it, when obviously this world doesn’t work like that. 

And what he said to me a few years ago was that he only gives money to other people, so that he can get a “favour” returned in the future. I told him at the time that his plan would not work and that people will not care to do you a favour back, because the human don’t give a shit about its fellow living beings, we only exist in self-interest as our pre-programmed minds.

In my experience, to give something to others in the hope that others will give me something back is dishonesty, it is a conditional giving where I’m not really giving anything I am only pre-empting my repaid reward one day, also trying to paint a “good” picture of myself in the other persons mind so that I can manipulate them to doing what I want them to do. 

It’s fascinating but completely unacceptable, because what I have learnt in my process of self-honesty is that if I give anything to anybody, it must be an unconditional giving where I don’t expect any feedback of any kind, where I am just giving to another that which I would like for myself in equality as a point of physical support – that’s best for all.      

      

So although I have the money, I did not offer to give this person money because of the abuse I see that he allows, I mean this person has literally purposely put themselves in a situation of abuse from projecting this “good guy” image all the time, giving away all his money, then expecting sympathy for doing it, as if he is a martyr or something. I have no remorse for anybody that purposely puts themselves into situations of abuse to try and manipulate peoples emotions, when they have more than enough education and money to able to avoid it, while billions cannot possibly avoid being in abusive situations currently due to the inequality we allow as this capitalist money system.

However what this person is doing is what I have done in the past many times before, and everyone has done before, we can all reflect this point as any  – giving to others under the guise of “being friendly” when in fact the intentions behind it are really nasty shit, where the giving is more of a taking actually, because of trying to take a certain feedback from the other person and essentially putting the person “in my pocket” enslaved,  where  I will keep them until the day I get my money back, as a form of power over another, its blackmailing gang tactics and we humans just accept and allow this to exist when this must be stopped.

I’m not willing to live in a world where everything we give to each other is from a conditional starting point. 

I am committed to creating and living in a world where all giving is unconditional where no hidden agendas can exist because the only focus is what’s best for all in any moment, that is a world of worth that must be designed here - So if anyone offers you money when you have none be careful of what their intentions are, because if the starting point is dishonest for the “giving”, they may end up attacking you to receive it back one day with added interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only offer “favours” to others as long as I get the “favour” back in an equal amount or with added interest as a conditional starting point, where I’m not really doing somebody a favour at all, I’m actually coning the person into having to pay for what I have given them one day - a fake favour, where I’m really only favouring myself. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that anytime I offer something to someone hoping to get something back, I am existing in the hereafter as ego, my starting point is only of self interest in complete separation of myself, where I’m not really giving the person anything I’m only looking to receive my repayment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project a “positive” image to others in an attempt to manipulate sympathy out of those that buy this image as valid when I want something like money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others will surely buy this “good guy” image I’m presenting and existing  as the more people I give things to. When in fact it does not matter how much I give to others, because we humans only know our own self-interest so to expect anything from anyone is pointless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and exist as this “good guy” persona which is actually nasty underneath, and is not real as it only exists in my mind, and by feeding into it I only allow myself to exist as illusion, enforcing my starting point of separation.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by attempting to feed into the “positive” in my mind day to day, continuously, I am actually ensuring that the “negative” as abusive situations are allowed to exist in my world and my reality, that is the consequence, and which is completely unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by focusing on the “positive” or the “negative” as my starting point, I am actually at the unconscious level charging this entire unified consciousness field, where I am supporting others to commit and exist as the same abuse that I am allowing as a pre-programmed mind consciousness system.      

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposely place myself in positions of abuse so that I can try and manipulate others into helping and saving me, creating situations and emotional dramas unnecessarily, when I actually have enough money and education to support myself effectively, while there is billions of people existing in this world that have no access to the education and money I have access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility in the hands of others, where I can blame others as ego for not buying my “good guy” personality, and thus then attack those that didn’t buy this personality when I get a situation of lacking money and they don’t help me, when it was through my allowance that this lack of money came about, nothing else, and in fact I am always responsible for what I accepted and allow myself to be.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attack and blame others that do not feed into my “good guy” persona doing what I want, when I want, without realizing that I can never control what someone else is going to do, to believe I can control anything outside of self is self-deception.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire keeping people “in my pocket” as a form of power over others, where I’m essentially seeing people as nothing more than vending machines that must cough up money when I ask for it because i believed this person was “in my pocket”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control the outcome of anybody else in this reality, when actually I can’t control what anybody else accepts and allows.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe subconsciously that I am psychic in some way through believing that I have someone “in my pocket”, that I can create outcomes for other people to work in my favour, when again and again my beliefs are proven as not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to purposefully not be clear with people about if I am giving them money for free, or if I’m expecting a repayment, just so that in the future I can create an imaginary scenario to this person when I need money, that I “definitely only let you borrow that money I gave you in the past, now I need it back”.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the only form of giving to others which is valid as what’s best for all, is when the giving is a self-movement, completely unconditional, where I’m not expecting, wanting or demanding something in return for my giving, it is simply to support the person physically here as what I would like for myself.

    

I don’t fear anything – Really? Can i admit im afraid? Theres no hiding from myself.

So before walking my process I could not admit what I was afraid of, I always presented a “fearless” character to people as much as possible to try and manipulate specific feedbacks from people. 

And today I was having a discussion with a female friend, specifically about the topics of hair and make-up. And after discussing these points for about 15 minutes she started reacting a bit when I stated that she is afraid to cut her hair and not wear make-up, she said she’s not afraid to cut hair or not wear make-up every day, she just doesn’t like to.

It’s something which is very interesting to note, because anytime I discuss a topic with a person whether female or male that’s related to what the person has placed value on – then majority of the time most people will never admit they are afraid of the topic being discussed even when the feedback clearly shows they are. 

Instead we allow ourselves to get defensive about what we fear, as if it’s not really existing, what most people will say is that they “don’t like” something. However I have realised that whenever ever I state “I don’t like” something its usually ego talking, it’s my own limitations communicating, which of course sprouts from fear within and as the pre-programmed mind, and whenever I have attempted to defend my brainwashing it is always revealing that i fear to lose the particular point I’m valuing above what’s best for all life here.

It’s like we fear losing a part of ourselves in some way, when in fact as every destonian proves for ourselves, whenever we remove a point of brainwashing through self-forgiveness and corrective application of breathing, we realise that we never actually needed the point of brainwashing, because we are still here, I the belief that we “needed it” and “couldn’t live without it” is just in our heads.

So this is something that I have developed during walking my process, it is an “ability” to see fear within me immediately and to admit ot immediately, openly with myself and others, instead of distracting myself from the fear. So I’m now able to be actually honest with myself about when I’m experiencing fear, why I’m experiencing it, where did I first experience it, how I’m experiencing it and what I have allowed to cause this  reaction of fear within and as me.

But it wasn’t always so for me, I used to deny my fears daily, and we humans tend to believe that when we are afraid of something it means we must be absolutely petrified physically out of a fear of dying in a situation. For instance if a wild hippo was charging towards me with its mouth open, I know I would be afraid, petrified, everyone would, obviously, anyone that says they would not be experiencing fear in this situation is just talking shit as ego as the mind.

But what I have seen for myself is that a situation that can induce massive fear like a hippo charging towards me is not the only instance of fear, there are so many different levels of fear that come up in our day to day living because all we have ever known is fear. 

Like say for instance a situation where I purposely try and avoid cutting my hair, where I try and validate long hair in some way. Now while I may believe in my mind that I’m not afraid of cutting my hair while having thoughts that “I don’t want to cut my hair”, in self-honesty I know I fear cutting my hair, I mean when I look what is behind any “don’t want” or “don’t like” in my life I always find fear and then ego trying to justify, blame, deny this fear I’m allowing. And everything we humans allow ourselves to be is based in fear, every decision we make is based in fear of losing our idea of ourselves, fear of being without our precious valued patterns. 

We believe that we are protecting ourselves from possible threats to our personality by fearing it at some level of the mind, when in fact we aren’t protecting ourselves at all, we are diminishing ourselves, separating ourselves, making sure that our decision making continues to be dictated by the programing we have existed within and as our whole lives for the rest of our life.

So it’s really cool to be able to admit I fear things now, because it is within first admitting, seeing that I fear to lose something I believe I own, this is where I empower myself to stand as a self-responsible being, empower myself to take self-directive action to correct this fear, as I have found out for myself that in order to really change and let go of fear about a certain point I’m existing as, I first have to understand me, I have to accept the fuck up of myself.  If I cannot come to terms with who I really am then  then any believed change of fear from this starting point will guaranteed to not be real, but will just be an illusionary change in the mind, where a suppression effect of the fear inevitably  happens which will have devastating consequences.

So let’s get real about changing to what’s best for all by first realising how we have always existed within and as fear of survival, as this whole world is based on currently. We cant hide from ourselves no matter what we do, and from cutting hair to being chased by a hippo, fear comes up in all kinds of situations to varying degrees, but the question is – can I admit this fear? If I can’t in self-honesty see what I allow then I cannot possibly ever change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting when I fear something, without realising that I am actually charging this fear through not standing equal to it in complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear in every decision I make, then believing that I can protect “my life” with this fear when in fact I just enforce the separation of myself,  where I design “my life” as a slave to misery. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that within fighting and resisting something, I will always make the point stronger as I am not standing equal with the point in realization that it is all by my own design.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try and deny fear, because of being consumed within and as thoughts to present a certain “unshakeable” image to others of being a completely fearless person which is always ego.

I forgive myself that I try and pretend that fear is not existing in my life through distracting myself with points of energetic entertainment, where I can try and hide away from what I allow, where I can be safe and sound as a pre-programmed robotic zombie. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my starting point within not wanting to do something supportive for myself is actually clear validation of the fear I’m existing as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for why I’m experiencing fear about something as a state of ego so I can remove my responsibility for the reactions I’m having and instead put my responsibility in the hands of something outside of myself.

I forgive myself for not realising that whatever I experience within and as me, whatever I permit myself to be in any moment, is always through my own allowance not due to anybody else’s fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only care about fulfilling my self-interest for my time here on earth, trying to focus on the “positive” on that which makes me feel good, which actually allows for the “negative” as a fear of losing the “positive” to exist as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that within justifying fearing something I am saying that I am less than the point I am allowing to cause fear within me, when in fact I am always equal to whatever I stand as in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value thoughts feelings and emotions in every situation where my fears show themselves, instead of focusing on breathing where I can really do what’s best for all, where I can clearly see that the fear coming up is not real, because it is not consistent and stable like breath is. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking at where my fears came from, to look at how my fears operate, but instead to just push my fears to the back of my mind in the hope they will just go away by themselves which is completely impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to present an image to others as being fearless, in the hope that others will like me more if I can get them to buy the product of me as a fearless person. 

i forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the truth of myself from others, as the fear i exist as. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and utilize fear to accumulate “friends” which is manipulation of myself and others, which will ensure that any “friendship” created from this starting point will guaranteed to be fake and abusive, as that is what it’s based on, so it will only be a matter of time until my “fearless” fake face cracks and reveals my fears to others.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that there is varying degrees of fear that exist within and as me, there is massive reactions of fear, and small reactions of fear,  where even a seemingly harmless statement of “not I’m not afraid of it, I just don’t like it” is in fact revealing my fear about the point.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that my life would be so much more enjoyable, as would everyone else’s around me, if I could take on and let go of my fears, because this is the reward for consistent self-honesty, it is where there is constant enjoyment of every physical movement here, every breathe is fully appreciated as myself in complete awareness, there is nothing that is to do with fear. 

I’m not willing to exist in a state of denial to what I allow myself to be, im not willing to turn a blind eye to the fear I have existed within and as for majority of my life.

I commit myself to taking on all fears that I allow to exist as myself, I commit myself to building a world with myself as the starting point where fear does not exist in anyway, building a world where all is considered equally.

Wow I “get it” – You need to “get it” too! Or i will cut you down fucker! Im the desteni hater slayer!

So i had a heated argument with somebody recently about my participation with desteni, i reacted alot, i was angry with the person who i have known a longtime. Nowadays i dont argue with people if they dont like equality in someway, i just breath and remove myself from the situation if needed. However this person i have known a longtime really started attacking me and the desteni message in general very directly. And although i walked away from the situation, me arguing with this person for a while didnt need to occur at all if i hadnt reacted, it was an interesting event because it revealed to me some points of my brainwashing that i must investigate and correct so that i can remain stable when a similar event happens again which is best for all.

I mean its fascinating when I look at the earlier stages of researching equality, because years ago once I had started testing desteni tools, once I worked on correcting my reactions towards the desteni message and I was beginning to realise how effective the tools are, that equality is best for all - it was interesting that a personality developed through my allowance.

This personality is basically a kind of “gatekeeper” or “desteni protector” personality, where I take a defence/offense stance in conversations with people regarding anything desteni related. It’s like every situation I was in at that stage my aim would be to enforce the message of desteni on others, and then expecting the person or persons to have a fight with me until I force them to submit and they listen to me,  so I could get some understanding and attention, as if they had an obligation to listen to me, an obligation to start researching desteni because I according to my understating  of equality and oneness at that stage – I could see that equality is clearly the most effective solution to sort out the human and this world, thus you must see this as well, so fucking listen to me! So i can see how this personality activated again in this situation where this person i have known a longtime started attacking me.

Countless daily arguments and debates I was having at this stage in my life all as an outward expression of the conflict i was experiencing inside myself. It was online, with my family, with “friends”, with work colleagues, random people on the street, nobody was safe from my energetic wrath. And all of these arguments and debates always ended up going nowhere apart from me really offending the person, in some cases to the point that they are crying in a heap of depression, or even physically attacking me in a rage of anger.

And i notice that with people i have known a longtime like family or child hood friends, that i will get alot more emotional during the argument about the desteni message because i have seen these people as my family, and being as i see members of desteni as family, i can see that in my mind is like a desire for a unification of families in someway.

But within this I was simply trapped within an energetic prison of my own design, where I was completely misunderstanding the point of equality and how it works - it has nothing to do with desteni, desteni is just the facilitating body, the support group to assist people, but the message of desteni is all about self-responsibility. 

But at this stage in my life i did not really understand fully how things worked, i mean I would never focus on breath before I spoke, I would never take into account in most situations that it took me a process just to be able to research and implement the desteni tools from a clear starting point, so there is no way I can make anybody understand this, because I had to understand it myself, nobody did it for me, or could possibly do it for me, I had to do it my-self.

I have since realised that it is actually abusive to enforce conversation upon someone that does not want to speak about what I want to speak about. Because regardless of whether or not I agree with someone, once I put myself in their shoes and stand equal to the persons perspective, then i can understand the person as a reflection of myself, not get possessed by thoughts, feelings, emotions, trying to “prove a point”, but instead focus on breathing, being here, creating a solution that is best for all, where I take self-responsibility to stop war. 

But there is no equality within debating and forcing something there is just conflict, some real frictional shit between two points of view drawing swords in a mind battle of ego. I mean it’s cool to support others, there is support along the way from others, but there is massive difference between supporting and abusing someone. I mean without supporting self effectively as my starting point, then how can I do what’s best for others, if I can’t even do what’s best for all as  myself as the living word in each moment? To try and change others without first changing self, is not changing anything, it is self-manipulation, it is to simply stand as a point of ego trying to dominate everything without realising that all is equal in the point of “freewill” thus people can only see what desteni is saying and take action to create what’s best for all in their own time. 

Walking this process of self-realization and self-correction is all about self, I can only determine my own future in terms of what I accept and allow to exist, I cannot determine what happens to anyone else in this reality.  If there is no self-movement, then movement is not real, it is always from a starting point of doing something to receive something else, a feedback to attain energy, a conditional dishonest starting point, originating within and as the pre-programmed human mind.

So the focus is self, it is always self, it is an equation of what I accept and allow to exist as the who I am, changing myself to what is best for all, and within that be able to support others effectively to realise equality through walking as an unconditional example here. But anytime I  focus on something outside of myself having to change before me, “having” to listen to me, then I have a problem, because it is simply ego as the brainwashing I have existed as for most of my life, which must be stopped.

I commit myself to focusing only on my own process of re-birthing myself from system to life here. I will accept nothing less than walking the solution of equality and oneness as myself in every here breath. 

I do not accept myself to exist in a mind possessed state trying to fight with others, trying to feed off energy, trying to enforce on others, through knowledge alone how equality works, because in fact it does not matter if a person listens to me or not, knowledge without practical application here is useless.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to believe that it is acceptable to to engage someone in an argument just because they attack the message of desteni in someway and i have known them a long time, when that is no justification, there is no jsustification, because heated debates and arguements are completely pointless. And although i did eventually walk away, the argument did not need to happen in the first place if i had simply remained stable and walked away instead of building thought energy and exploding. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an attack defence position of the mind in relation to the desteni material, towards those that do not want to change the world to what’s best for all, without realising that I must be the change in each moment, it has nothing to do with anybody else.

I forgive myself that i have not realised until this recent argument with a person that i still react alot when someone disagrees with the desteni message in anyway, im still wanting the person to hear the message, and if they cant hear it then i sometimes am still trying to get energy of an argument.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my emtional argument with family members and old friends is justified in someway because i have known them a longtime, when infact it is never justified to argue.

I forgive myself that i have connected emotions to my family members and old friends as well as to the desteni group itself, then within and as ego, thinking i am able to merge my family members and freinds into the desteni group within having heated debates which is just not possible and is emtional manipulation which is abuse. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that within demanding somebody speaks only about what I want to speak about, I am actually completely in opposition with how equality works as ego and an idea of myself , where I only enforce my starting point of separation.

I forgive myself that I once did not realise in every moment that it is completely unacceptable and pointless to point out abuse in others unless I can show practically how I changed myself, so that the solution that worked for me can be cross referenced by the other person, instead of telling other people to change before I myself had changed.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to initially completely misunderstand the message of desteni even after i stoppped attacking the desteni message, i still did not realise at that stage that it is all about self, because once i stopped attacking desteni, i was now just doing the same thing, but attacking those that opposed desteni instead. 

I forgive msyelf that i did not realise at the time that my attack towards those that opposed desteni, the conflict i was purposely creating, was always an outward exposure of the inner conflict i was purposely allowing to exist within and as me at that time in my constant search for energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use many people in my life as nothing more than ragdolls for my argumentative amusement, as if people are nothing more than brain dead batteries that I can drain energy from, which is completely unacceptable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes want people to disagree with me about equality just so that I can engage them in an argument, where I attract the energy my mind is looking for as attention.         

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to focus on getting attention from others with the message of equality trying to manipulate others to see me in a certain context as being a “good person” a “great saviour”, and I have since realised that it is completely unacceptable to attempt to get attention from others with anything, this starting point is neither “good” nor “great” it is actually abuse of myself, of others, of life, and a fear of having no attention, which is a fear of death.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will diminish or die in some way if I don’t get attention and have arguments with people in general about anything, as if I need attention and arguments  to breathe lol, which I have since realised is complete bullshit illusion in my head.  

  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am winning an imaginary fight in my mind when I get somebody to submit to my word, as if I have knocked them out, knocked out their shit, when all I have really done is fight myself, knock myself out  accepting and allowing abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify participating and feeding into this imaginary fight because I am apparently trying to “help the person” which Is what I would tell people at that stage, when all I was really doing was looking for an argument then looking to win the argument.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to scream and shout at people during arguments about desteni believing that if I shout louder and talk quicker about desteni then the person is more likely to understand me, when actually it made people not understand me.   

   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone must listen to the message of desteni immediately now, without realising that as with everybody, it takes a process to get to a point of researching and implementing what’s best for all. All is equal in this point.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment that anybody that disagrees with desteni message is only showing me a reflection of myself when I once disagreed with desteni material.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that nobody can hear the message of equality and realise that it is best for all until the person themselves wills that realization as I myself and everybody must realise.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by enforcing and demanding that people research desteni, I am actually making sure that other people do not want to research what’s best for all through the unnecessary fearful reactions I have caused with trying to prove the desteni message is valid to another. So I have realised that trying to force a computer to realise they are a computer is not possible, because that can only be self-realized.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that don’t want to hear the desteni message as bad, and that anybody that can see the common sense of desteni is good, instead of realising that there is no good or bad that exists, there is only what’s best and what’s not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a hero in somebody else’s life through explaining the desteni message to the person, which is simply a starting point of ego, trying to fulfil some kind of fucked up self – glorifying prophecy of Jesus Christ syndrome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that must save someone else from themselves which I now realise is completely impossible and self-deceptive. Impossible because it is only self that can sort self out, as this world and this reality, nobody else, and self-deceptive because trying to “save” anyone including myself is a dishonest starting point within process dressed up as “being good” but which actually comes from a fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying and not “saving enough people” within and as this fucked up Jesus personality disorder, where I busy myself trying to “save” others but where the point of self, and self-responsibility  is always missed.

I forgive myself that I once did not realise in every moment that it is completely unacceptable and pointless to point out abuse in others unless I can show practically how I changed myself, so that the solution that worked for me can be cross referenced by the other person, instead of telling other people to change before I myself had changed.

I commit myself on this Journey to life, i take self repsonsibility walking here in the physical as the physical, i accept no less then self honesty for myself as what is best for all.