Private number reactions

So today i noticed a pattern that i have seen before but never paid attention to releasing the point, and as with any point if it is not faced and released then it will only compound interest. So i had a call from a private number today, and when i looked at my phone and saw that it was private number, i didnt answer it, and i will only answer private calls 50% of the time, if i remember a bill i have forgotten, because companies sometimes mask their number, or just as a point of interest as to hear who it is. Although i can see that i usually always wait for the other person to speak first if i do answer a private call, out of a fear of me being exposed before the other person in dishonesty. But if i know i have paid all my bills for the month, then i rarely answer a private call number, because i know that the caller is clearly trying to hide who they are, and is not standing equal with me by being open and honest to speak as their own birth name as who they are. And therefore the person is clearly trying to deceive and avoid accountability for what they will say, just like when people use fake names online to build up bravery to attack people in secret which is totally unacceptable.

however i did react to seeing the word private number on my phone screen, with alot of thoughts and a definite slight jolt of anxiety around my solar plexus and stomach area, which for a moment passed throughout my body. I allowed an assumption, fear based thoughts that the person calling me was going to be someone from my past, looking to cause abuse to me and cause trouble. I have recieved threats to be beaten up and death threats on the phone before, so i assumed it could be something along these lines so i didnt answer. However when the phone stopped ringing i started going into a spider web of thoughts about who it could be, was it this person? was it that person? How did they get my number? What if they are going round my house while im at work causing trouble? Have i missed a bill from some company? All thoughts connected to fear. So i realized i was spiralling into thoughts, so i stopped applied self forgiveness outloud and breathed bringing myself back here. Then after i became stable again, i realized that i allow myself to react this way very often, when i see a private call on my phone, especially if i know i have paid all the bills. So as i am self aware of this pattern, i realize this requires correction through continuous application, me taking self responsibility on the point until here no further, so that private calls on my mobile will not effect me in anyway whatsoever.

Its just me allowing myself to react within thought to private callers, and participate with and hold onto memories, and connect fears to these which is just me separating myself from myself here as life in total dishonesty, which is just me allowing myself to compromise my stability as breathe, and thus not best for everbody.

And then on the drive home after doing a review with a team member, i recieved another call from a private number, i breathed and didnt react by allowing those previous thoughts i spoke of. I just breathed and answered the phone, anyway turns out it was one of my work colleagues who has a number mask on their home phone number, and she told me it was her that rang earlier also to ask for sometravel expenses. So this was cool because this only confirmed that assumption is never valid as reality, and that when i reacted and went into various thoughts and ideas about something, that it is only me separating myself from what is actually here as reality - this is just one practical example of how we can expose belief, assumption, anxiety and fear as the mind to be absolute bullshit. So no need to allow these kinds of thought reactions again separating myself from me as life, so i stand here taking self responsibility as the directive principle of life to release this point utterly from existance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a private caller on my phone by going into the mind as thoughts, assumptions, beliefs about who it could be, and what they could want.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect these thoughts, to a fear based on past memories, which i allowed to generate anxiety within me, thus accepting myself to exist as limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto and connect memories as the mind to a private caller on the phone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait in silence for the other person to answer first if i do answer a private call, which stems from a fear of me being exposed before the other person, which is me allowing separation to exist as myself here as the mind, instead of standing as the direcive principle of equality and oneness and just speak if i answer, reagrdless of if im first or secind to speak, which is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from what i experience here within a private caller on my mobile, by going into the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within "hope" that my assumption hopefully will be wrong, because of an accepted fear that it could be someone who wants to harm me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope within and as the mind as separation that my opinion of who it could be must be correct, totally unaware that if i cannot test this opinion here in this moment, practically in self honesty, then it is not valid, and thus is not real and is therefore of limitation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to separation as "having to" react in these kinds of ways in relation to private caller.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as separation within people calling my number on private number.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not immediatley realize that an assumption is never valid as reality in any moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that an assumption as the mind, only becomes valid as reality once it has been practically tried and tested here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to percieve in my mind in total separation from myself here as life as breathe, that i can possibly know anything to be true without practically testing it first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand fully, everytime within and as self trust while answering private calls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have any reactions whatsoever come up in relation to private calls.

Machine/New Technology Reactions

So today i was pushing myself to stick to my schedule, and i found it really did help extensively to map things out and look at how im utilizing my time, to get things done as effectively as possible. While having alot of tasks to do, it is so practical to be able to slow down within and as breathe and take on each point one at a time, so that im not attempting to take on more then i can handle in this breathe here, because that has been a problem for me in the past, attempting to do more then i am practically able to do in one moment. remaining stable is of the upmost importance in all moments, looking at each point as it comes in self honesty, and seeing weather or not my application within the point is effective, have i done the task to the best of my ability with no mind shit getting in the way.

But after a stable morning, it was when i took my mobile to the phone shop to get an upgrade to a new phone that me allowing myself to go into the mind as reactions started happening. So im used to Sony Ericsons, but my Sony phone was getting worn down from alot of usage for work through the years, and has been deteriorating rapidly ever since i dropped it down a hotel toilet a month back before i left the hotel to see Joao and Joana. Anyway so the guy in the shop suggested to get an upgrade and recommended the new Samsung Galaxy, and being as the upgrade was free i went ahead to get the upgrade as it was just practical for me to have a more effective phone. Anyway its a touch screen phone which im not used to, and when i got home, i had to text and call all of my team working in various stores around southern england to get updates on how they were doing.

But when i tried making a template text to send out to all of them, i couldnt figure out how to do it, and i lost my stability and discipline here, i started reacting, going into thoughts of annoyance, confusion, fear and blame towards this piece of technology, and judging myself because i couldnt immediately understand how to work this new phone. And after about half an hour of experiencing myself in this state, i realized how unstable i was allowing myself to be because of me allowing a phone to trigger me into this reaction. So i put the phone in my pocket i sat down, and applied four count breathe, getting myself back to here, and then i started to consider, why have i allowed this phone to affect me so much? how did i get to this point? have i done this before,? and if so where is the starting point?

And interesting that upon further investigation i realized that i have allowed this many times in my life, where i will get confused by a piece of new technology, then i will start blaming the object for the fact that i cant understand how to operate it, getting extremely annoyed by a piece of technology that wont do what i want it to do, and fearing being labbeled as stupid for not knowing how to do it. Its like percieving that the object has a design fault because i cant understand it, that it should be able to explain itself to me, without considering in the moment of the reaction arising that it is me that is flawed in design by allowing myself to go into these kind of reactions as the mind as my ego. I also start judging myself as being stupid, incapable and just unworthy of having the technology whenever im not understanding it. I noticed that i have allowed this in my process also, not often, but now and then when a point is shared that i am not in full understanding of, then i start going into self judgements about why i cant understand it, and in my mind start blaming the person sharing the point, that they are not explaining effectively because i do not underdstand it. which of course is me allowing my ego and fear to spill out all over everything and compromise my stability as life here.


For example i remember when i was about 7 having a tamagochi thing at school, where you have to look after a computer game egg, and make it develop into a full adult chicken. I remember not understanding it at one point, and then on the playground i just reacted and went into pure frustation, so i threw the tamagochi on the ground which broke it completely, because at that time i didnt know how to stop myself, breathe and release the point after the initial reaction, and then i judged myself as stupid for not understanding and breaking this tamagochi, because i could see that loads of kids on the playground had theirs and knew how to work it properly, while i didnt, which at the time i allowed to make me feel stupid. So many times i can recall, throwing a computer game controller at the wall, or throwing the tv remote, hitting the tv/aerial aggresively when the picture isnt clear, shouting at it, And basically allowing myself to go into and getting mind possessed by thoughts, emotions and feelings in relation to technology.

And i can see that unconsciouslly alot of these reactions, come from me observing how effective machines are in this world, and in a way experiencing a form of jealousy, at how perfectly the machine equates and completes tasks, while man is lost in his helpless world of thoughts, feelings and emotions that compromise the task being completed effectively. For example i remember when i was about 9 in maths class at school, and the teacher was explaining how to do a certain mathematical equation. and then he gave us all calculators, and asked us to do our own version of what he just did with the help of a calculator. I did the sum on the calculator, and i can remember exactly all those years back experiencing thoughts like "wow this calculator gave me the answer in 1 second, but my teacher took about 2 whole minutes to give me the answer" "these machines are so impressive and powerful" "its kind of scary how quickly machines can do things compared to the human"

And then obviously thorough the years i have added layers and layers to this point of reacting in fear and confusion to the machine, i mean i loved terminator 1/2 when i was about 11, i watched it repeatedly and even re-enacted scenes very often on my own, and sometimes with friends, and i have probably watched terminator 2 more then any film in my life, which of course promotes fear of the machine.

I mean if i ever am not understanding a new piece of technology that i buy, or not understanding anything for that matter, then that is only because i havent stood equal and one with the information, understanding fully how the system operates, and then appliying that understanding in my daily living. Confusion only comes from ineffective research, I mean if i dont do the research for any point, then that means i wont be able to intergrate and stand equal as the knowledge im looking at, and thus will not be able to apply the knowledge practically here, which only fucks me up. So if i want to understand fully how to operate my new mobile, then i must take the time to read the whole manual, so that by the end of reading i will be able to intergrate that knowledge, meaning i will then be able to operate the phone fully.

Also on another note, machines will be utilized and programmed to "run the system" in a equal money system to support all life equally and allocate digital payment of everbodies basic need credits, so that nobody is left out, because the machine equates numbers with precision, and so it is important for everybody to come to terms with and release any reactions we are allowing towards machines and new technology, so we can look at it in self honesty and walk with the point in equality.

So anyway, im grateful for these recations, because its awesome to have these points to cross reference myself next time i am not understanding a piece of technology, i will be ready with my self support tools armed next time this point comes up so that i can move myself to a self honest starting point here in relation to Machines.


I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to react to a piece technology in confusion from myself here as life.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to not realize that anytime i am confused by a point, it is actually showing me how ineffective my research and application has been on a point.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to react within and as the mind as ego to a piece of technology in annoyance that i cannot immediately understand it.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to not realize that within me allowing a perception that i must immediately understand something without doing the effective research, and walking equally as the point, that i am in essence allowing my ego to possess me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to blame the machine as something different to me here as this one physical reality.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to experience frustation with a a piece of technology, because i see how precise machines are, and thus i expect the machine to be able to do an equation for me, and give me the answer so that i dont have to do any work.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to percieve in my mind that if i cant understand a piece of technology immediately, then i allow myself to view the piece of technology as a "failed saviour".

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to percieve in my mind separated from myself here as life, that machines must save mankind from ourselves, when it is us here standing as life that must save ourselves from ourselves and direct a new system of equality into being as ourselves.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to blame separating myself within and as the mind within a perception of ego that if i cant understand this object/point/person then it is them that has the design fault not me.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to accumilate a fear of the power of the machine in separation from myself here as this breathe, that machines are something more then me here as life.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to be pre programmed by the film and media industry to fear the machine, that the machine will oneday destroy us all.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to experience jealousy towards a machine, because of me allowing myself to react in fear and jealousy to how quickly machines equate an answer.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as stupid because i am am not immediately understanding a point, weather it be machines or people.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to experience annoyance and jealousy towards machines that they never have to apply them selves on points, because the machine doesnt think, get emotional or feel about things, and thus never compromises a task, it just follow its programming and does the task required in its programming.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to allow myself to blame a piece of technology as to why i accept instability in any moment.

I forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to justify my blame of the machine, because the machine is not actually breating, thus it is me giving myself the permission to abuse machines in complete separation from what is here, within and as the mind.

I stop, I forgive, I breathe, I stick to this breathe in Self Honesty, until the point of Self Decpetion is Here no further.

Labour Self Support

So today was cool as i did a fair bit of physical labour, it was a day off work, and i did some exercise, directed my team that was working through the day, i walked with the dogs, went to the bank, did some food shopping, took my mum to the dentist, cleaned out cluttered cupboards in the kitchen, did some gardening, put some new blinds on the kitchen window, cleaned my bedroom extensively, installed a few bits of new furniture, set up my mums ebay account, collected my work teams scores, made food. Then i had a shower, studied an hour of my ITD course, watched a film, checked my emails, and here i am now.

I enjoy observing the reactions that come up within me in relation to most of these tasks, and then realizing myself allowing the reactions and resistances that came up in the moment, standing equal as the points, and then releasing them through self forgiveness and breathe as i required. Most of the reactions were thoughts were selfish thoughts along the lines of "i dont want to do this, i just want to sit in my room doing my ITD coursework, do some emails, support those walking process, watch vlogs/videos, and read/post comments/blogs all day, fuck anybody else, its my day off"

I find doing physical labour to be an enojoyable point of self support, standing equal as the task that requires to be done here, and directing the point to completion without going into the reactions as the mind that came up along they way in relation to the various tasks. Just sticking to breathe here within doing these tasks, no self created playouts of self deception as the mind, which of course made sure that the tasks were done as effectively as possible, and thus i am applying myself as effectively as possible at the same time within doing the tasks. If i had allowed myself to react and go into the ego as personality as the mind about these points, then there would have been self manifested physical consequences - for example most of the tasks today wouldnt have been done, and the ones that were would be done to a lazy, sub standrad level, which would not have been best for all.

So sticking to whats here and workable in this one breathe, in self- honesty, and realizing/removing all reactions in relation to doing more labour as is required to maximise what i am able to complete in one day to the most effective level, im also finding utilizing schedules to be cool practical self support on this point here - best for all

Overwhelmed

So today at work i got a second promotion in a year, which now means i have more people to direct, and more responsibilities to handle then i did before. The role starts immediately tommorow, and i now have to arrange peoples salaries, arrange peoples work rotas, send motivational texts, call all the stores to make sure the member of staff is there on time, place jobs in ads, hire new staff, fill in daily review forms of current staffs effectiveness, negotiate new stores for my staff to work in with store managers, take scores, and offer training. some of it i have done before, but some of it is new to me, Its only on an 8 week trial basis at first, so that the company can monitor if i can handle the extra work, and improve company sales.

I said to my boss that i will do the role, because it is best for all, but honestly i know that it is the extra money that is the srating point reason that i accepted the job role. And when i saw the extra tasks that im required to do, i immediately started reacting by experiencing thoughts like "i dont know if i can handle this at the moment" "i want to say no to to this promotion, but the money is better" all uncertain, self doubting, self judgemental, nervous, fear based thoughts. I have experienced these kind of thoughts the first time i had a promotion, but when i applied myself and pushed through these thoughts, stopped myself participating in the thoughts and just did the work, i found that it really wasnt very hard, and i was able to get the work done, yet in my mind i percieved it to be some massive thing that i cant handle - interesting how when we participate in the mind, in relation to doing more physical labour then we are used to, then through the mind a point always seems bigger, more impossible, more unfair, harder, and worse then what a point of extra work actually is to achiveve practically.

So the fact that these fear based thoughts are coming up again, is showing me how my application on this point really hasnt been effective, and it does remain to be seen as to weather i can practically make time for everything in my life with this new promotion. I now have a much busier job, with more driving, ontop of supporting my dogs, doing my ITD coursework, supporting my mother, looking after my son every 2-3weeks for 3 days, paying all the bills, blogging and vlogging, food shopping/housework, and whatever else needs to be done.

So im going to start working with a pie chart that i will make to assist me in mapping out and directing my time as effectively and practically as possible to get everything done. And im not going to allow myself to go into fears, self doubts, self judgments, about what i need to do, as it doesnt serve whats best for all in anyway. So i stop here, and stick to breathe as the directive principle of whats best for all in self honesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my new job role.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to to fear that i am incapable of handling my new job role, by separating myself within and as the mind from myself here as life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my fear about my new job role, by allowing myself to state within and as the mind, that i have "too much on my plate"

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that my new job is a "good" thing and a "bad" thing, allowing the whole polarity point to exist, instead of just doing what needs to be done in relation to myself eher within the company.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to percieve in self doubt that i cannot achieve my new job requirements before i have even attempted them practically.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to state to my boss that i wll take this job role because its best for all, when actually i accepted it because of the extra money, in total dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my new job within and as the mind, as something that i must attain, or build up to because of a perception that i cannot just do the job here practically.

I stand here as this breathe, i stcik to this breathe, as and when these points of fear come up, so that i am able to release these points effectivelly until here no further in self honesty, so that i am able to do what needs to be done here practically in accordance with what is best for all, without going into and manifesting the consequence of my participation of the minds fears.

The Film Industry and Equal Money

So im looking at the point of films in relation to this current system of capitalism, and how films and their creation will change vastly in an equal money system.

When we look at the film industry in this capitalist system, it is clear that mainstream films are made from the starting point of greed and abuse - wanting to accumilate as much money from a film as possible, and encourage people to go and consume products that are seen in these films. Its all about inserting unique selling points into the film, that the producers know will get bums on seats in cinemas, and brainwash people into wanting to buy the film from a dvd shop. Sex, Violence, Love, Cars, Guns, Explosions, CGI, Heros, "Good" guys, "Bad" guys, happy endings, placed in the narrative are some of the main selling points that producers know will make a film more attractive to people, which will thus have a better chance of selling more and making the film company more money. Also the use of star power is very important to the mainstream film companies in order to make a film a "sure thing" with regards to profit when it gets to the box office. These stars also have a built up persona in peoples minds, which makes them more attractive to certain audiences and apparently more acceptable to be placed in certain genres of films For example - Arnold Schwarzenegger has a film persona recognized by society to be built around action films, so if he is placed in a new action film, then he will attract alot more views to that type of new film, because peoples perception is that "Arnold is always in entertaining action films, so this new film should be cool". The same goes for Robert De Niro in relation to gangster films, or Julia Roberts in relation to romantic comedies for instance, and different ages of actors also attract different age markets to the film also. And because these actors genrate so much money for the studios, then the actors/directors/producers themselves get paid obscene amounts of money, up to as much a $40,000,000 a film, which is so unacceptable for a job that is on the whole alot of fun at the top level. These tactics have been used since the inception of hollywood film, the studio system, and the star system have always generated massive profits for a the main film companies only, which is clearly not best for all.

Intersting to note that many Jewish people immigrated to America in the early 20th century, to work in the film industry, and quickly got a point of having the power positions in the industry. This was one of the multitude of reasons as to why Adolf Hitler hated Jews, because he could see that the Jews were taking so many jobs in power positions in the world, and started using films as a means to make extensive profit by incorporating "sales tactics" in films made through Hollywood. So in 1934 Leni Riefenstahl who was a Nazi film director was instructed to create the film Triumph of the Will by the Nazi party, where Hitler was an unofficial producer for the film, which is mentioned in the credits. The Nazis could see how films were being made by hollywood to promote profit making, so Triumph of the will was not made for monetary profit, but was made as a propoganda tool for supporting the Nazi party, which obviously attacked Jewish people in general.    

I am by no means attempting to blame Jewish people for how the film industry exists today, because it has nothing to do with Jewish people. It is about what we humans as a whole are accepting and allowing to be made by mainstream film companies, and thus what we deem acceptable to exist in our own lives. Its fascinating that films actually reveal ourselves to ourselves from that perspective, where what is socially acceptable as ourselves is what we allow to be made in films and vice versa which continues an endless cycle of abuse- we want abuse, then the film is made by the film companies to match what we want, then we get it, then we accept it as ourselves, then we remember and hold onto that which we enjoy watching and existing as, that which gives us energy, and then repeat that cycle again, which is why most mainstream films are the same in design, because we are all the same in the design of our minds as Personality, as individuality, as Resonant symbols -
But we are also all equally the same as life, as this one breathe here living on this one earth, as this one physical universe. We all require the exact same things to sustain ourselves here in this physical reality as human beings - however the fact that we are actually all equal is not yet acknowledged or understood by humanity as a whole.

Anyway, personally i have always enjoyed watching films, mainly from an entertainment starting point, but when i studied films as an A-level at college i started to become fascinated by the idea of deconstructing the actual message within the fillm. Film studies was one of the few lessons i managed to excel in while at secondary school and college, along with English, Media and Drama. And since i have started walking my process of self realization and self honesty, i have been able to observe much clearer what is being portrayed within a film, and be able to relate that to myself and the world. Where as before i started this process, i saw the film and its message as something separate to me, where i would literally just spew out knowledge and film terminology definitions about the film industry, as the mind consciousness system in an attempt to sound smart. And because i could relay film terminology effectively, this interestingly got me an A grade in A-level film studies, because i could repeat the film system just as the education system wanted me to. It was all terms and knowledge that was all taught to me through various teachers and film critics within the education system at college and the film industry, but none of it was relevant to reality, and i couldnt often reference any film Self Honestly in relation to its relevance to the world system, or myself.

However the majority of auteur films, undergound films and University student films are not made from a starting point of wanting to make profit which is very cool. I have found in my research of tens of thousands of films throughout my life, that when a film has been made with less money, then there is a higher likelihood that the film has been created as an unconditional form of self expression, instead of a starting point of profit. Although there is many film makers that are focused on making "art" films, that very often want to be hailed as special, with an end result plan to become rich and famous in mainstream Hollywood films, although they will tell you that its all about the "art" in total dishonesty, because the film maker knows within themselves what the starting point for making any film is, and very rarely is it self honest.

This is not to say that all mianstream films are unacceptable either, because many mainstream films are very cool in their relevance and context as for example The Matrix shows, although there is still points of deception within it. And it is within mainstream films that we see the commonly held accepted state of mankind revealed as profit, as self interest, as the mind, for example as the film Wall Street shows. So contrary to what "art" film makers say, i actually find that mainstream films raise the most relevant points in relation to what needs to be corrected within humanity. But most mainstream films are definitely unacceptable in what is portayed and promoted within them as being acceptable in society, such as - energetic Love, Sex, Violence, 1 hero to save all, Polarity, God and having more Money then others etc.

Also the whole process of becoming a film Director or Actor is such a long winded process in this system of capitalism, which most people learn once they come out of University with their grades aiming to get into the industry. For example i bumped into an old friend that i knew from drama classes in college while i was working at the London boat show a few weeks ago. Now i left the drama course after only half a year, but this girl that i bumped into, she went on to finish the two year course, and then got her acting degree at University. So i was surpised to see her working on a stand in a boat show selling boat trips, which was all because she couldnt find work in the film industry. I realized this a longtime ago, that the film and music industry does not work like most industries, meaning grades alone will not gaurantee you the job most of the time, because of the old saying "its not what you know its who you know" as for example Quentin Tarantino and many others proove.

And even if you do get the grades, it is totally unacceptable that in this capitalist system of debt, if families dont have enough money to send their children to the acting/film schools in the frst place then the child is not afforded the opportunity to become involved in the film industry even if they want to. For example the Richmond drama school in London, charges £2,000 a year for course fees on a 3 year course and £4,000 a year if your from a non EU family, with a 50/50 chance of government funding, which is unacceptable for something that should clearly be free for all, as with any education.

So its fascinating to note, that in an equal money system, all people from any family, in any country will have the equal opportunity to work in the film industry if they want to, so that all have the equal right to express themselves, so the system would actually support them to get into the film industry. But its interesting to note, that as with any high paid job in this system of capitalism, most parents that see the top actors/directors/producers pay packets, then teach and fund their children to get into the film industry just for the money in self interest. And as a result, many, many people that want to be involved in film currently, are not actually really interested in making films, but are only interested in the money that comes from reaching the top of the industry. So once all jobs in the film industry are paid the same equal wage, then many people will all of a sudden not be so interested in working in the film industry, which is so cool because it would just expose who really wants to make films, and who is just in it for the money.

Also the films themselves would no longer be based on profit, so would no longer need to be full of abusive selling points, and so films would become a point of self expression where people will be in the industry purely to make cool films that are relevant, and share themselves unconditionally in plotlines that are best for best for all, as the screenwriters would no longer be making stories to make profit, but would just be a form of self expression that they want to create. Also the Equal Life Foundation Government will be promoting media that incorporate self forgiveness, self honesty, common sense, based on equality in all ways, and will put bans on certain messages in films, such as : exploitation of women as sexual objects, violence portrayed as comedy, 1 man saving millions of people, the "good" guy/"bad" guy idea, glamourizing competition for profit over another, religious or racist propoganda, glamourized consumerism etc.

So it is clear to me and anyone that can apply common sense maths, and stand in self honesty that an equal money system will correct the film industry, and with any point, will push the system to something that is best for all life.

Thanks

Leo the Cat

So today i had to make the decision to put my cat Leo down, as he had extremely bad blod clots in his hind legs related to a heart disease that had silently accumilated.

I went to work yesterday, and when i finished i came home, where Leo was lying on my bed as per usual after work, and i rubbed my head against his head as our usual hello to eachother. On "appearances" only, he seemed totally fine and went back to sleep as per usual as i typed up my leads from the day, then i checked a few emails, had diner, and then arranged with a frined to play a few frames of snooker.

When i got back i noticed that Leo was howling in the bush, and when i got out of the car, i asked him to come in, and he wouldnt move, he just lyed there howling. I knew something was wrong, so i picked him up out of the bush, and brought him inside. I put him on his feet and he couldnt walk, he just fell to the ground, i reacted with total shock, and confused thoughts not knowing what was wrong with him, because i have never seen him show any illness before, and he has never been to the vets before, but from his continous howls i knew it was serious. My mum started crying very emotionally, so i told her to calm down, and i myself focused on breathing during this whole experience so that i didnt become hugely emotional like my mum, which only would have made the situation alot worse.

I immediately attempted to give him some food, some water and some animal painkillers, but he was not even attempting to ingest any of it. Then i rushed to my computer to find an emergency 24 hour vet number, and as i was looking my mum started screaming in the other room because she thought he was dead already, i breathed remained stable and again told my mum to calm down. I was struggling to find the number i needed which i allowed to make me very angry, i started shouting "fucking hurry up! Fuck!" at the computer screen as it went through to the next page i needed very slowly. Then as i was on the phone to the vets, they told me to bring him straight down, so i rushed Leo into the car, and started driving quickly to the vets, which was only about a mile away. My heart was beating very fast as i was driving, and i kept telling Leo to hold on as his breathing was getting more shallow and he was still howling in pain. Behind the wheel the emotional build up was high, and i wanted to start crying, but i didnt, because again i applied a four breathe count and focused on breathe so that i didnt become possessed by the thoughts and emotions that were coming up. When i got to the vets i rushed him in on a pillow, gave him a kiss and handed him over to the vets, and as the woman at the desk was asking me to fill in some paperwork, i could hear Leo still howling out the back in the surgery room - again an emotional build up hit me quickly when i heard him, but again i did not allow myself to go into it, so i just stuck to full breathes here. I got home where my mum was still wiping tears away, i gave her a hug and told her to breathe, and told her it was just a 50/50 waiting game now.

I was supposed to ring the vets this morning at about 10am to see how he was, but when the phone rang at 1.30am i knew that it would only be to make me aware that it would be best to put him down. When i answered the phone i was correct in my assumption, they made me aware that Leos condition was deteriorating and i was finally asked "can we go ahead and put him down?" when i was asked this question i immediatley had a jolt of anxiety right from my solar plexus, i paused, and i didnt want to cry but thoughts started coming up "who do you think you are?" "you dont have the right to put my animal down" "Leo is a soldier he can pull through" but in the next moment i realized that all these thougts were just my ego trying to cling onto Leo, from all the memories that i have developed in relation to him through the years. Again i pushed and stuck to breathe, not allowing these thoughts and emotions to manifest, but instead releasing them within and as breathe. Then i just said to the woman on the phone "i agree, its best for all he is put down now, i dont want him to suffer anymore". I put the phone down, and again made sure i stuck to breathe, and i continued applying myself within and as breathe for the rest of the night as and when required.

In the morning today on the way to work, i had some thoughts come up of "i still cant believe your gone" and " i miss you already" then i noticed emotion started building again, but nevertheless, i applied self forgiveness outloud for allowing myself to experience this movement, stuck to breathe and released the build up.

This whole experience was obviously tough, seeing Leo so weak just before his demise, and also my mum screaming and crying about it, both of those points i obviously reacted to, and caused movements in me. But i still have not shed a single tear, i calmed my mum down, i agreed for Leo to be put down, and i had a good day of sales at work today, all because of the supportive power of self forgiveness and breathe - if i had not applied myself, then i would have allowed myself to become possessed by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that were coming up, i would still be crying now in a heap of depression, i couldnt have possibly supported my mum, i would have not let the vets put Leo down out of ego, which would have only prolonged his suffering, and i more then likely would have used the event as an excuse to not go to work today -

Anyone who doubts how effective the self support tools offered by desteni are need only look to this or any other billions of examples that people have from walking this process of self realization and self honesty - but rather then try and validate the self support tools from others experiences, best to just apply the tools for ourselves, as the proof is in the pudding

Thanks

Muscles and Masculinity

So today at work before i started, i bought some chewing gum at a supermarket, and when i came to the counter, i noticed that the guy that served me was athletically built and had slightly bigger muscles then me. i reacted to his build by experiencing jealousy, desire, and fear where i started comparing myself to him with thoughts like "wow he is well built" "he must work out alot" "i wonder if he has any martial arts knowledge behind that build" "if i put somemore work in i could have muscles like his" i noticed i was reacting and then i slowed down applied the four count breathe and carried on with my day. But i started considering to myself, why did i allow myself to react like that towards that guys body? where did that come from, and how does that operate?

This as with any deeply ingrained programme is a multi layered point, and what is clear to me here is that i am allowing myself to go into comparisons with others, a huge ego point desiring that my muscles could always be better, or closer resembling the size of anothers muscles, and experiencing judgements and inferiority towards the appearance of my own body in relation to others, compromising my stability here as breathe by going into the mind about the point. And upon further investigation, i have a habit of sometimes going into judgements about my own body whenever i am near a well built guy, or a female that i find attractive. Also when i watch an advert or see a magazine cover with muscular men, then again i react with these kinds of comparison, self judgemental thoughts, and desiring to be more then what i am, a desire to be more powerful, instead of just accepting myself here fully.

I do exercise pretty often, which can be a cool point of self support of sticking to breathe if the starting point is self honest. I often do shadow striking as im walking around the house, and although its not needed, i havent done strenuous 2 hour training regimes for over 6 months, but i still will do about an hour of stamina and strength training, and weighted shadow boxing 2 - 4 times a week. I can see now though that the reason i am even doing this training is just a form of physically playing out this thought pattern, these ego points of my minds built up programming. I am not standing within and as self honesty within doing physical workouts, i am simply playing out all my built up inferiority in relation to my body, attempting to "improve" the design of my physical body, from the perspective of attempting to impress another, get more powerful, and as i shared in a vlog a while back, im doing martial arts out of a fear being harmed, attempting to give myself the best possible chance of winning a fight competition as fast as possible that may come up in my life.

So i havent been doing training from a starting point of whats best for all, remaining stable as breathe and keeping the exercises practical. i am instead allowing myself to participate in physical training from an ego starting point of the mind always attempting to do more exercise in a constant attempt to "live up to" an image i have in my head of being a "perfectly" physically built and skilled being. Films and media also play a huge part in my programming, because i mean as films like beauty and the beast show with the characters Gaston and Belle, it is programmed into kids to believe that a man is only acceptable if he has the biggest muscles and is good at fighting, and a woman is only acceptable if they have a tiny waist, and a harmonic singing voice. So this point clearly requires my correction so that i can start participating in exercise from a clear self honest starting point without judging myself, reacting to others bodies, or going into and playing out any ego points about it.

I can also see in my memory, that this idea of desiring to get more and more powerful, and fearing being weak started a long time ago in my childhood. I can see that because i didnt have my dad living with me growing up, and my mums boyfriends never stayed around long enough, i had this idea develop in me from as young as maybe 7, that i must be my own father. I must grow up quickly, and be as physically strong as possible, so that i can live as my own father, look after myself always, and so that i can look after and impress my mother, so i must avoid being physically weak at all costs. This obviously started the whole polarity point that to be strong is "good" and to be weak is "bad" which compunded through the years. The reactions to others bodies, and judgments of my own body, only started in early teenage years when my own body started developing more along with puberty, and the search for sex.

So all these points are totally uneccessary to continue to exist, as they do not serve me or anybody as life in anyway whatsoever, and only support my minds built up personality ego. So i stand here as this breathe in self honesty to take self responsibility to release these points of extensive self deception from my world.

Racism and Equal Money

So im looking at the point of Racism in this Capilatist system of debt, in relation to my own life experience, and also in relation to the equal money system -

It is clear when we look at racist separation as mind possession from a clear self honest common sense perspective, we can that this system of capitalism supports and promotes racism in everyway. For example if we look at the royal households of the world from any religious background in various countries, we can see that the focus is on keeping the bloodline "pure" meaning only allowing one race of humans to be allowed to intergrate into the particular royal house. Also if we look at all the hype and promotions that were designed around Barack Obama, when he was running to become the first black american president, again we see the promotion of racism veiled under a pretense of false equality. And when we look at all the various large extreme racist/religious groups in the world such as: the Ku Klux Klan, Al Qaeda, Hamas, Black Panthers, Taliban, Neo Nazis etc, then all these points clearly show that racism is a huge problem in society currently.

Racism has filitered through into all aspects of capitalism, which has programmed people to believe that racism is just part of life on earth that cannot change. We see it in films, we see hear it in music, we see it heavily supported in certain areas of the world, we see it in gangs, we read it in religion, we see it in politics - it is everywhere, and at somepoint in everbodies life, we have experienced a moment of being treated or feeling separate from a certain group.

For me living and growing up in a predominantely white country like England as a half black kid, i have had some moments in my life where i have faced racial abuse, mainly at a verbal level. The first time i started to realise that racism was a problem in the world in general, was when i was about 8 years old, i remember flicking through the tv channels, and i stopped at the news channel. It was showing black people in Africa starving, and then the shot cut to the House of Lords which is where most British laws and legislations are discussed and changed to suit the elite, then it also showed politicans discussing things at Westminster. And even at that age, it fascinated me that all the hundreds of politicians it showed at the house of lords and westminster, that none of them were black, asian, hispanic or middle eastern, they were all white, although at that point in my life i obviously couldnt really understand why that was and why these people in Africa were being allowed to starve. 

And then as i grew up, i started getting more angry inside myself in relation to racism, where i would form all kinds of crazy judgements about people in my life. Some trigger strating points for me, was while growing up my mother had relationships with different guys, but all of them where white biker type guys. From this situation at the time i started experiencing a huge inferiority complex in relation to my race, which strained relations with my mother and most older white people, as i percieved in my mind that if my mum hasnt dated a single black guy since being with my dad, and i dont see black polticians in england, and it was only black/middle eastern/mixed race people i saw starving on tv, then i assumed there must be something wrong with black people, and all those points began to trigger anger in me. And i equated that their must be something wrong with me because im half black, i felt diseased or something, like im not worthy, but i obviously didnt understand the true nature of racism at this time in my life.

Also at my primary school and secondary school in Bournemouth, i was one of the few mixed race kids at both schools, which obviously only heightened my inferiority complex about my race, percieving myself to be less then white people. I was never bullied as i have always been able to look after myself, but from the ages of 8-12 i started getting into more fights out of general anger, and in one instance when i was 12 on the weekend off school outside a computer arcade, i got into a fight with two kids, which was partially about my race, while my two white "friends" that were standing there watching and didnt do a thing to help me as i was struggling to fight them both. The fight was eventually broken up by a few Police officers that happened to be walking past, but this also compounded to my inferiority complex and anger towards white people.

This inferiority and anger just kept compounding through school, but i supressed it to be able to have a alot of friends that where all white. But as with any long term suppression i eventually paid the consequence for all the built up inner turmoil i was allowing to grow inside me.

After i left school at 16, all this suppressed anger started to pour out onto everyone around me, as i began participating in criminal activities, which gave me a form of release of this anger. I soon after started hanging around with my cousin, and some other guys that were mostly all black and mixed race criminals from London, and we started a criminal gang, where we would rob people, deal drugs, carry weapons, extort, and generally just be spiteful abusers in every moment. I did a bit of college occassionally at the same time to keep my mother happy, but at the time i gave myself fully to the gang which as i said at the time felt like a great release for all my built up anger. So i started dressing in big clothes, wearing uneccessary jewelery, eating fast food only, listening to gangster rap only, walking with a lean, speaking gang slang speech 24/7, and in general i was fully intergrated into this gang mentality of "hustle hard for money" "harm whoever gets in the way of the gang" "money over women" and "get rich or die trying by any means". But anyway after alot of shit happened, i started questioning my participation in the world, and so i left the gang and began to search for more effective ways to release and correct my anger which i was blaming on the world system, and the world leaders in "control", which i percieved at that time to be white people only.

And it was only when i found desteni, and started walking my process of self realization and self honesty, was i able to start writing down all my inner turmoil, apply self forgiveness and just let my anger possession go by sticking to breathe instead of participating in the built up mind patterns as they came up, that were only abusing myself and all forms of life. So for this i am eternally grateful, because until i started applying destenis self support tools, i had no idea how to stop my reactions, thoughts, fears, desires, patterns etc which i had allowed to build into an extremely fucked state of being lol.

So racism for me in my world as me now, has long been an irrelevant point that no longer exists, as i have applied continous self honest self forgiveness on the thoughts in relation to racism, all the fears behind the thoughts and the self created image of me being a racist human. i just kept pushing and breathing until all inferiority reactions of the mind and angers about various races just ceased to be here as me. Which is so cool, because in actual fact, all humans are equal as life, as an animal, as a plant, as breathe, as this one physical reality. We are all human, and thus have the exact same requirements to sustain ourselves, and be functional in this world such as food, water, effective housing, education and healthcare.

But in the world around us, mind possessions of points like racism are clearly becoming more extensive, which are being enforced particularly by Politics and Religion. Politics is currently unacceptable in its current state, because it is all just personality protection rackets, which operate the exact same way as criminal gangs, protecting the gang leader. And the same goes for Religion, its all gang activity with "god" as the gang leader, and i mean religion has always been unacceptable, due to the insane idea that an invisble "god" is running the show here, that we have no responsibility to sort out the world, and that if someone disagrees with the Religion that another is promoting, then the person who opposes that Religion will be verbally attacked by those that support it, and in alot of cases will be killed for their opposition. Religion has done nothing throughout history but promote mass murder, racism, rape, child abuse, starvation and all manner of depraved extensive mind possessions.

People are wasting more and more time separating themselves from one another within and as the mind, instead of loving our neighbour uncondtionally, and actually supporting another as ourselves, treating all life as we ourselves would like to be treated, which is in equality.

So its clear that racism goes hand in hand with this capitalist system of polarity, but its interesting to note that in an equal money system, racism will soon vanish out of existance. Because the government will be promoting and establishing equal life for all in all ways, and so people will quickly realise the truth that we are all equal as life regardless of where we come from or what we look like. Favouritism of any race in any country will cease to exist, racist groups promoting mind possession attacks of others will be outlawed, exposed and held accountable. All have the same requirements in order to live and be functional in the world, and thus all will be honoured equally, and all will have the exact same rights to enjoy Life here on Earth.      

Biting my mouth

So i have been noticing recenty how much i bite little bits of skin off my lips, and the inside of my mouth, where i start chewing incessantly which only happens when i am not standing here in self honesty within and as breathe, and i start allowing myself to go into thought patterns, and the chewing of my mouth is the outflow of my participation within thoughts in the mind.

So i have built up this mental relationship here, and the thoughts generally are all based on concern and fear, and then are physically played out by me biting my mouth or lips. I experience satisfaction when i have biten off a piece of flesh that has been hanging off the inside of my mouth from a previous pattern of biting. Sometimes when i have been biting continously at different times during the day, then by the end of the day, the inside of my mouth is sore, and so will be uncomfortable, and sometimes my lip will start bleed. I mean this point is totally unacceptable, because i am allowing myself to abuse my own physical body by participating in the mind, because i realise that all mental relationships disregard the physical, and so must be stopped.

I have been doing this for years, maybe since about 10 years old, where i would get concerned about homelife, weather or not my dad will be in my life? Will i get into the football team? Will i get "good" grades at school? will i get that new computer game? and also fearing losing my mum to her illness. And since then obviously the point has accumilated to the point where everytime i experience thought patterns in relation to fears, anxieties, concerns, judgements. Anytime that i am uncertain about the outflow of a point i see at the time, then i start going into the mind and biting my mouth, in an incessant manner. For instance waiting for a bill to come through the post that i know will be a large bill, when i think about the bill, i start biting my mouth, but i usually only realise this once i have already started biting. So this point has been accumilating for a long time for me, and its directly linked to me growing up and intergrating into the mind, because i do not remember doing it before the end of primary school.

And sometimes i dont even know im doing it until i have finished biting, and i feel the sores on the inside of my mouth with my tongue, because im so "deep" in thought, and then i say to myself "fuck i need to stop biting my mouth". So there this is clearly a deeply ingrained programme for me where im holding onto some suppressed knowledge, which is always related to uncertainty, fear and anxiety.

I remember watching a vlog about 3 months ago that Andrew did about biting nails, which at the time of watching it i was like "yep its pretty much the same for me " but i did nothing about it, and so it has just compounded to the point where i have to slow right down within and as breathe to even notice that im doing it.

So its time to stop participating in these thoughts and fears that lead to me biting my mouth. Its time to stop this pattern, of harming my physical body by biting my mouth - so i stand here in self honesty as the solution to obliterate this point from existance by sticking to breathe in equality and oneness, so die well mouth biting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my mouth because of thoughts, anxieties and fears in relation my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts, fears and anxieties that lead to me biting my mouth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by biting my mouth i am giving myself some form of comfort to myself when i experience thoughts, anxieties and fears that come up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build up this relationship as the mind, which only compromises me from establishing myself as life here in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this mechanism of biting my mouth to attain a form of energetic gratification.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take pleasure in the harming of my own physical body, which is actually me abusing this one physical reality as the physical body here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue particpating in biting my mouth even when the area im biting is starting to be sore and bleed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore this bleeding by allowing myself to participate in ego of the mind by saying to myself "its not that bad, give it time to heal, and then bite again"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop biting only so that the skin can heal with the full intention of doing it again after the skin has healed, decieving myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself through separation as the mind by harming myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise that i am existing as separation from myself here as the physical, by participating in the mind to disregard whats best for my physical body, therefore disregarding whats best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow this point of separation as the mind to cycle and accumailate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto points of knowledge based in fear that manifest in me allowing myself to start biting my mouth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stick in the comforts of the mind in relation to biting my mouth, instead of sticking to breathe self honestly here in equality and oneness.

I forgive myself, i have exposed myself, and i will now stick to this breathe here, and i refuse to accept myself to allow this point of separation as the mind which only disconnects me from myself here as life to continue to exist. I stand here in self honesty, to support and stand as that which is real, and destroy this mind possession from my world. i take self responsability here, naked as life as who i really am as the directive principle of equality oneness.

Capitalist Sport

So the other day i noticed while doing some food shopping, that a young child was talking to his parents while waiting in the queue to pay. He must've been about 8, and he was talking about football, which is English peoples most religiously followed sport.He had a full football kit on, and he was saying that he wants to get a name of his favourite football player on the back of his Manchester United football shirt. He energetically said he wanted to get Wayne Rooney on the back of his shirt, who is a player that is idolized as an icon by most in England.

And the reason he said he wanted to get Rooney on the back of his shirt, was because in the young boys words "Rooney is the best player in the world isnt he dad, hes number 1 and i want to play like him for Man United oneday" to which his dad replied "of course you could play for Man United oneday, then you could pay to look after mummy and daddy lol" as the dad looked at me while saying this, he was smiling, and i presume he was expecting a smiling acknowledgment back from me, but i did not give him a response.

But internally i reacted and some judgements and anger towards this parent came up, for allowing thier child to be so possessed by a name of one celebrity sportsmen. So i noticed these thoughts come up, and i immediately stopped participating in them, by just stopping myself by utlizing breathe to push through these self limitations. I slowed down, remained stable, and paid no attention to thoughts in relation to this event that came up, i paid for my food and went back to my house. As i sat in the car though i did have some considerations in relation to this event.  

I mean its clear in this capitalist system of winners and losers, that we are pre programmed to only want to be a winner, and at all costs will attempt to avoid being a loser. Where we actually percieve that it is only acceptable to be the winner, to be number one, to dominate another, and get lots of money through this domination of another, and if we lose, or finish second, then we are considered a failure, and will get no money. So this built up idea can be exposed in so many ways, where for instance so many kids are being taught by their parents to get involved in sport just to be a winner and get lots of money, at the expense of self expression within sport here. Its all dishonesty, where parents are actually expecting perfection out of their children, attempting to live out their own deluded dreams through their children, all for money, just using a child as a money machine, which is just abuse.

Its also that point of extreme narcissism where children are being programmed to believe that it is acceptable to be involved in sport to immitate a rich celebrity player, as that is percieved to make the child play better, and have a better chance to make lots of money - Total dishonesty, which is not just a matter of playing like their favourite player, its also a point of actually consuming products to actually build an image on the child to make them look like a celebrity player, which again is percieved to give the child the best chance to make money.

For instance, when i was 9 years old, i played footaball for my school and at weekends at a sports centre, and i can remember clearly that loads of kids would be wearing the latest football boots that David Beckham wears which cost about £90 which is obviously extremely expensive for a pair of boots. At the time this made me very jealous that a kid my age has very expensive boots, while i was wearing £10 boots. And i can remember before kick off in one game, that a kid on my team had brand new expensive boots that David Beckham promoted on the tv. The kid said to me that he doesnt really like football, but his dad wants him to be a famous player, and the kid percieved that he would play better with his new boots. But as the game went on, i remember this kid played awfully, and ended up getting sent off for punching someone on the other team, while i had my £10 boots on, and i scored 2 goals and was voted the man of the match. I also remember the kids dad started shouting at him for playing so badly, and used the fact he had bought him new boots as the reason as to why he was shouting at him, this made the kid cry, which was totally unacceptable child abuse.

So you can see the deception here where children are being taught by parents to be first, be a winner, copy your favourite player, dress like your favourite player so that there is the best possible chance to be famous and make money in self interest. And as i explained with the kid with expensive boots, he didnt actually want to be a footballer, but he was forced into it by his greedy, self interested, mind possessed parents, and he was simply afraid to let his parents down, he was being pressured, like being held to ransom, which is abuse.

Also its interesting to expose the money that footballers are currently being paid in this capitalist system of debt, and how it is totally unacceptable. I mean the other day i watched a bit of a football game and it was Wolves vs Manchester United, and it was advertised as a mismatch, because Wolves are bottom of the table, and Manchester United are top of the table. Wolves has players on contracts of about £10,000 a week, while Manchester United has most of their players on £100,000 a week. And at the end of the game, Wolves ended up beating Manchester United 2-1, so the underdog beat the favourite, which is just one example out of millions of exmaples that always exposes the lunacy of paying sportsmen so much money.

But fascinating to note, that in an equal money system, all sportsmen in all sports will be paid the exact same amount of money, which will expose who actually wants to be a sportsmen just for the sport, and who was just a self interested greedy being only interested in it for the money. Alot of people will lose interest all of a sudden :)
Their will be no more focus on being the winner and being first, competition for money will vanish out of existance, as it is complete separation through attempting to dominate and harm another, total dishonest starting point for participating in sport. Sport will become a point of self expression, where people who want to play sport, will come together, and everybody will have the equal opportunity to share their developed techniques unconditionally, to test themselves physically from a clear self honest starting point. Which will also take the nasty spiteful behaviour out of sport, because currently when i watch sports like football, i see players actually trying to physically harm eachother, by stamping on eachother, or a headbutt behind the referees back, out of ego and jealousy, through separation as the mind from another being. And also i notice while watching sport in this current capitalist system, that many unequal decisions based on favouritsm in decisions to protect the richest sportsmen happen all the time, which again will be erradicated in an equal money system, meaning all will be protected equally by fair officiating for all, not on the basis of our bank balance.

So all these points i have mentioned here in relation to sport as it currently exist in this capitalist system, are totally unacceptable, and is all based upon competition and fuelled by money and self interest of the mind. An equal money system will obliterate this separation from existance, and will establish a sport system that is best for all. So support an equal money system in everyway that you can.

Thanks.
    

Relationships

So i have noticed a pattern come up today, a mental relationship im in, that upon further investigation i do very often, its a self definition that has developed since the end of my last relationship with a female partner, where i can see that i am allowing myself to react when i walk past couples on the street.

So seeing the couple walking is the trigger point which i allow to move me, especially when the couple is kissing passionately, and then all these thoughts come up either along the lines of "i wish i could see your faces the day you realize it will never last" where im actually allowing myself to have harmful thoughts about the two beings, from the perspective of a kind of dark jealousy experienced where im hoping that some traumatic event will happen to the beings, like a form of wishing i could be there the day that the physical bursts their energy of mind possessed "love". Or i go into thoughts of "i want a relationship again" which is totally based on a desire to search for, and have a point outside of myself, that makes me feel "good", and then justifying the harmful thoughts i have about the beings, because of my own self interested desire as the mind to have a relationship, and a perception that i "deserve" love much more then another. And also sometimes this desire i allow and thus are equal to as the mind wants to re create the past energetic patterns i have experienced in past relationships that i got addicted to. All the shit like: wants of happiness energy, wanting a "good" feeling, wondering if i will get that energy again, fearing being alone for the rest of my life etc -

So totally unacceptable here, having harmful thoughts about others is always unacceptable, and is just me allowing myself to exist within and as the mind, seeing the couple as seperate from me, instead of acknowledging the beings equally as me as life here. And the desire point is something many humans experience, where once we have experienced energetic "love" in the past, and been dependent on another for the experience, then when it is gone, we will find ways to attempt to re create the point, thus this is how we support illusion, and re create abuse - in search of a definition of love as energy.

Fascinating that when i look further back into my memory, i can see that reacting to couples looking happy has been going on within me for a longtime. For example, when me and my mum moved from manchester to bournemouth when i was 5, my mum and dad had long split up, and my dad basically didnt want anything to do with us. And as we were living in bournemouth, my mum started having relationships with various guys for the next 12 years. Now theses guys were always bikers, and were always white, which made me belief back then, that their must be something wrong with ethnic guys for her to only go for white guys. So i experienced feeling like im not fully welcome around these guys, or that im somehow less, because im half black, and my mum is not dating black guys. So i can remember being very young and often thinking thoughts about my mum and her boyfriend while looking at them being happy, thoughts like "am i less important because im half black" and "i hope something happens to break you two up" and when it did eventually break up, then i always was overjoyed, for example when i caught one of my mums boyfriends doing heroin with a friend in a flat, and when i told my mum and she left him, i was so happy with myself for succeeding at spiting their "love".

The first time i started desiring a female for energetic experiences within self interest, was when i started utilizing pictures to masturbate at 12 years old. Where i soon got addicted to the orgasmic energy, and then began building this mental relationship and searching for someone to use to attain orgasms through sex, and searching for someone to fall in "love" with according to my definition of the word love at the time. And then i soon began using the word love to manipulate beings to do what i want, and attain orgasm through sex with females.

So anyway after these thoughts come up after seeing couples together, i start getting all these memories flooding back about my last relationship, where i will start recreating memories of the "good times" in my mind. And it seems upon further investigation that the more happy the couple appears to be that i see, then the more memories i get coming up of the "good times" within my last relationship.

Then i start experiencing heaviness throughout my body after the couple has gone, like a form of tired depression washes through me. Where i will start judging myself within my process as inferior and unworthy to walk with another being based on memories of how i used to dominate and abuse people, and how emotionally aggresive my last relationship with a partner ended.

My last relationship with a partner ended abruptly about 13 months ago, because my partner at the time wanted me to forget about my son Malachi from another woman, and she instead wanted me to have one with her, which i eventually was not willing to do, but we were together for two years although it was all just emotional arguments and sex most of the time.

And as of the last 6 months, i have been wanting and desiring to have an agreement with a female member of Desteni, so that we could obviously be in agreement interms of what we are both participating in it for, which would be to support eachother in facing and correcting our individual mind patterning. A point of reference within our process and equal support of one another, where open communication and equal self expression is of the upmost importance, where no back doors as suppressed mind chatter can be allowed to exist.

But anyway clearly alot of points self deception that i have allowed to exist and accumilate for a longtime, within this one point of relationships, and unless i apply myself and correct myself now, then as any point, it will only accumilate to get worse and worse. So i stand here as this breathe to remove this separation from my world and take self responsibility to apply and correct myself to a system of equality thats best for all in self honesty.

The Believer

so i watched a film today that raised some interesting points for me that im going to share here.

So to give a breif outline of the film, it is about a neo Nazi skinhead called Danny, and he is actually from a Jewish family, so fascinating immediately. I have watched alot of films surrounding the racism and Nazi topics, and its interesting since walking my process how many people have said to me that im a Hitler lover lol.

So Danny is constantly out to proove a point to somebody that Jews are "evil" that they are less then human, and the root of all problems in the world. And he has an extensive intellectual vocabulary, so he is very well educated, and is always making a point of using his knowledge to change other peoples perceptions of Jews.

Danny has alot of Anger in relation to jews, and in the very first scene of the film, he follows a Jewish man off of the train, and beats him up emotionally in a whirlwind of hate for Jews.

But upon further investigation through out the film, it turns out that this character has an extensive inner turmoil, from his self acceptance to suppress Anger, Guilt and Shame within himself, and these suppressed feelings and emotions always boil over when he is at an energetic high point.

And this film on the whole is a great example to explain to a person how insane religion is, and how dangerous it is to suppress thoughts, feelings and emotions. Danny is constantly accumilating his inner turmoil, by never coming to terms with it and releasing it, he instead attempts to bury all this turmoil inside himself, and so it is only inevitable while watching the film, that Danny will explode at some point, which is exactly what happens in more ways then one.

It is fascinating watching this film, because i have never seen a Nazi skinhead that knows so much about the Jewish religion intricatley, but is constantly attempting to fight against his past where he was a Jewish child at a Jewish school arguing with teachers about what parts of the bible matter the most, and fascinatingly when he is a child he argues with his teacher that Jews are scared people that are nothing special, and that god is not real. His constant exposure of the Jewish faith that he followed as a youngster creates an Anger towards anybody that doesnt agree with him. He views the Jews as "evil" money grubbing people, where his opinion is that all Jews are the same, no matter what age, and he views the Nazis as "good". So Its the point of polarity in the mind that Danny is allowing that is creating his instability, his constant friction between being a Nazi, or being a Jew.

This point is displayed in two pivotal scenes, one where he is in a Jewish church with some of his skinhead friends, and when they all start breaking artifacts and documents, Danny starts reactingin guilt, and attempts to protect the Jewish documents which obviously causes confusion for his friends. When they ask him why he is protecting the Jewish artifacts, Danny just says that its best to know your enemy inside out, so that you are better equiped to destroy your enemy, and basically he just finds ways to justify why its ok to protect this church. One of the gang spits on the Jewish texts, and rips it up, and when his friends are looking the other way, Danny takes the documents home and repairs them, then keeps them hidden from the rest of the gang, attempting to keep his respect of Jews and his respect of Neo Nazis in place, basically trying to keep both sides happy - This is an accepted and allowed norm in society, that it is ok to have a shapeshifting personality that uses many faces to paint a picture of ourselves differently towards different people. Where we will do crazy shit like saying statements that are the complete opposite of what we stand as, just to keep someone else happy.

Then in another scene just after Danny and the gang have beaten up some black guys, the gang get arrested, taken to court and sentenced to do a set amount of hours going to Jewish ww2 support groups. And while in this group the gang listen to an old Jewish couple that explain how their 3 year old son was killed by a Nazi right in front of them. The gang laugh and joke throughout listening to this, but Danny remains serious and starts imagining how it happened, and then he starts going into his usual pattern of blaming the Jews, where he gets angry at this couple for just standing their watching their son die, and in his ego, Danny claims that he would have done something to stop the soldier killing his son. But as the couple correctly point out, they were surrounded by armed troops, and any attempt to save their son would have resulted in them being killed aswel.

Danny storms out of the room with his friends after hearing this Jewish couple, and just continues to blame jews, and keep his friends happy in this scene, all ego as the mind in self interest. But as the film goes on he starts replaying this situation of seeing your own son die, where one time he sees himself as the Nazi killing the child, and later he sees himself as the Jewish man having to stand there and watch his son get killed, and he realises that in that situation, he would have done the exact same thing as the Jewish couple, in that he would have done nothing, and even if he had, he would have been shot dead -
This is an accepted and allowed norm in society though, in that whenever a person explains to us how they felt powerless in a dramatic situation, then we very often rather acuse the person of being weak, where a being will claim that they are strong and if it happened to them, then they would have sorted out the situation, instead of equally understanding how a person could feel powerless. It is an egotistical, spiteful point of view where many humans percieve as the mind that they are in someway powerful, and never experience powerlessness, which will very often be Military, Police, or gang members, always attempting to be "tough". But within common sense, beings that experience powerlessness most often in this world is those that do not have enough money to support themselves, and so feel powerless to correct any situation, so if you have no money, then you will experience yourself as weak most of the time, and i mean billions of beings exist in such circumstances, which is unacceptable.

Then soon after this, his girlfriend who is also a Fascist finds the Jewish church documents in his closet, and begins to become intrigued, and asks Danny how he knows so much about Jews. Danny immediately hides and makes up excuses of knowing your enemy in stead of just telling her that he was raised to believe Judaism from a Jewish household. Then she wants to start learning the Tora, to which Danny accepts to teach her, but as he does, he starts feeling ashamed about being jewish, and the whole experience of teaching his religious knowledge to his girlfriend becomes to much for him to continue, as the polarity point plays out again.

Danny is also a part of a Fascist group that take him and his friends in at the start, this group encourages people to go out and assasinate Jews. in one scene Danny is tested by a fellow member who suspects he may be a Jew, by taking him to a Jewish party, waiting outside with a sniper rifle ready to shoot a Jewish person. As Danny says, how can you tell they are Jews? the guy testing him syasy he can smell Jews, and tells Danny to shoot one as they walk out. Danny replays his memories generated during the meeting with the Jewish couple, and then purposely misses them with a shot, and then turns his gun on the guy testing him, and this guy ends up attempting to frame Danny.

So near the end Danny makes a speech at a fascist party, where he states that killing Jews has made the stronger through the years, and that they enjoy the attention of being pariahs. then he fascinatingly states that the only solution to wipe out Jews, is to embrace them as the humans they are, and focus on what makes us the same, instead of what makes us different. This obviously doesnt go down well at a Fascist Nazi party lol, but from a certain perspective, he is saying that equality is the solution, which is really cool. Because when we apply the equality equation, anybody can see that accepting eachother as who we really are, as equals as life, is the only way over time to erase fanatical religious belief and violence from existance. It is clear that if everybody can come to an agreement of allowing everybody from any religion in any country to live in dignity, to just acknowledge that which matters in this world, then delusional self created points of the mind that dont matter, will inevitabley cease to exist over time.

Then at the end of the film he keeps his Nazi friends happy by planting a bomb under a Jewish church, and setting the timer for 24 hours. Then the next day, he goes to the church to pray in full skullcap, and he gets asked to sing the Tora, to which he does, but then he starts getting nervous about the fact that the bomb is under the church. He tells everbody to get out of the church, and he then decides to stay to face accountability for his own actions. As he is crying in a myriad of emotion, the bomb goes off, killing only him, then he wakes up to find himself walking up stairs that represent "stairs to heaven". He starts running up them, seeing his Jewish school teacher as he goes up, who is telling him that he was right about things he said in class that exposed Jews when he was young. The teacher the says to him "Danny why are you going up there? you know there is nobody there" which i thought was a cool ending.

Thats all for this film for now, please place responses if anyone else has seen this film that would like to add points, or discuss what i raised.