Day 271: Ain't no sunshine when shes gone

You know that feeling you get when your partner is not with you anymore? Maybe you had an argument and you are not speaking to each other for a longtime, maybe your partner has work commitments which means they have to disappear for months at a time, or maybe they died.

This doesn't have to actually be your partner, it could be just be one of your best friends or closest family members who you have a multi-layered connection too has disappeared.

So this is something that males and females experience, but for the purpose of this blog I'm focusing on being a male and missing your female partner or friend - because this is directly relevant to me, and while things have improved in this world in terms of equality between men and women, the reality is that this world is still geared towards the dominance of the male.

Multiple scenarios in my life have shown me this, like my one female friend who is a professional footballer yet gets paid less then £900 a week, meanwhile male footballers at her level get around £25,000+ a week. Or my other female friend who did not get a promotion at work, essentially because her bosses thought she was "too young and attractive" to be in management in the company and without saying it directly wanted a male in the management position instead.

So many times I have sat there thinking  - It must be so hard being a woman, I'm "lucky" to be a guy, how do they deal with the physical pain they have? How are they so naturally caring with such pains to deal with? They should be more aggressive then men really, but they aren't they are more caring.

Its this curious veneration which built up in my me in my life towards women and knowing that in an ideal world all males would be supporting females completely equal as life, making life easier for women in this world.

So as a male when you have a connection with a certain female and then this female disappears, It's the accumulation of moments of smiling and laughing together, learning from each other, supporting each other in various ways which in the mind causes a form of addiction to the person, so that when they have to disappear from your life for a period you notice a significant drop in your general happiness.

It almost feels like a dark cloud that comes over you, where everything seems darker, you get paranoid about where they are, you have an almost tangible sense of dread and hopelessness that washes over you.

As a male in this world I do notice that while I have male friends who I value dearly and miss when they are not around, it is the female friends and partners through the years that I have emotionally felt the most when they are gone.

When I look in my mind I can see that this started years ago in my mind, where It was from my mother growing up that I generally found this curious fascination with females - my mother was teh first person I saw in my life who could, cook, clean, do gardening, look after animals, she always had this natural caring nature to her, and an almost spiritual connection to life which I could not explain.

But as I grew up from seeing my mother support me and support all life around her to the best of her ability, that attentive caring - which is where I started developing this concept of women being more important then men essentially, in terms of being able to help me grow.

Then as I started to learn more about spirituality in later teenage years, it was like I saw my mother as an embodiment of mother earth herself, an unconditional feminine caring mother who provides all for everyone even when she has pain to deal with everyday from humanities stupidity.

I always notice that no matter how much I get on with a male friend, at some point I will become bored with their male energy, I will become more competitive, and be looking for an early exit to spend with a female friend instead so that I can experience that attentive female energy.

Then I notice how I have always compared every woman I have met in my life to my mother - in terms of, is this woman as caring as my mother? Could this woman achieve what my mother did despite her disabilities.

I know that when my mother is gone and actually dies, It will be the biggest dark cloud I have ever experienced, because it is a fear I carry and I notice it has become much worse since my dog Cypher died recently, its like I keep worrying that my mother will die soon.

Embracing the feminine, its like I see all the death and destruction going on this world, and I often feel that it is when all men in this world can walk with the feminine caring, the unconditional support for another that seems to be inherently easier for women to tap into, when men can walk as the point of looking after mother earth and all females who walk upon it, then our understanding of equality and oneness will become far more actualised and is where an Equal Money system will become far easier to direct into manifestation in every country.   

So there is a lot of points here which I need to walk so that I can stand up form the emotional reactions, where I can breathe and remain stable when she is gone, no matter that be my mother, my female friend/partner etc.

This way I can make sure I am best equipped to look after myself effectively as life and look after mother earth herself in everything that I do.

Walk with me next time as I continue this point. 
       

Day 270: The Exorcist

What is an Exorcist? No I'm not talking about the classic 1973 film, but the exact dictionary definition is - a person who is believed to be able to cast out the devil or other demons. A priest, a nun, a monk, a healer, a shaman or a specially prepared or instructed person can be an Exorcist.

Amazing how I can see how I have been defining myself as an Exorcist in my mind for a longtime, where I am always looking to perform a sort of Exorcism on people I come across in my life.

Its like as soon as I detect some form of religious believe in a person, or some pattern or ignorant abusive behaviour, its like I want to take responsibility to show the person their own shit which is possessing them.

Yet what is the point in trying to exorcise something from someone else, if they are not willing to exorcise themselves? When will I learn that I cannot change anyone else, I can only take responsibility for myself?

I should know by now that there is no saving anybody, I can only ever assist a person to assist themselves to change. But as this Exorcist character its like my mind wants to be able to congratulate itself for exorcising the evil in another in complete self-interest - like I'm literally only trying to exorcise them to get my kicks of "saving" the ignorant.

I see how when a person is not aware of and not willing to change their mind possession, their demonic activity, then I react to this as if the person is some destructive demon and thus must be destroyed, so I will attack this person verbally until they leave my space.

I have seen just very recently how a friendship came to an end on this basis specifically - getting angry at this persons resistance for me to "exorcise them" of their religious beliefs.

Why must their always be this Exorcist attack to other people in my life? It is completely limiting, because I have realised that whenever I stand in opposition to something, whenever I am not standing equal to this person, not walking in their shoes, then only consequences of conflict occur.

Its like my ego cannot handle it when a person completely ignores physical reality, cannot see their own shit and are even proud of their limitations.

I am going to have to get used to this, because if other peoples beliefs care causing instability in me, then it only indicates that their is many issues within myself that still need to be sorted out.

A lot of this point comes from memories I have held onto from my Grandfather and Bernard.

I remember my granddad over and over through the years growing up, he would tell me that if something has been scientifically proven to exist and if a religious person denies that, then this person is essentially something negative and evil in this world.

Bernard on the other hand was once known as an Exorcist by some people in South Africa, as he had an extensive understanding of demons and the afterlife etc. I always had an interest in these things, but it was through Bernard that my interest in Demons and the afterlife became far more prominent in my life.

I see how my mind venerated these two men so much, so you could say their lives and their deaths caused my mind to react and add more layers to this quietly developing Exorcist character I have become.

In the words of Malcolm X, there was a time I didn't know what I know now, so why would I judge someone for not knowing what I do now? I understand and realise that self-realisation is something we all have to go through, no matter what I know about anything, I cannot expect that something I say will cause a person to immediately be expelled of the religion and programmed patterns within them.

Am I free of pre-programmed patterns within and as me? Which are all forms of religion - No I am not, so what right do I have to try to exorcise another?

This is an issue I have identified before and not been effective in my walking to correct this self-definition, so I must continue to investigate, to introspect and align myself through self-forgiveness and the self-corrective application of breathing -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an Exorcist character, where I obsessed with trying to "expel" the demons within a person once they rear their head around me.I realise that this character is a limitation of myself, because it is not my responsibility to try to change others.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that as this Exorcist character I am completely contradicting the foundations of equality and oneness, which is to stand equal to all life, where all life has the same opportunities to improve themselves as living beings and will realise these things when they are ready in their life process, no matter what I do cannot speed this up, or take responsibility for this change for anyone other then myself, I can only ever assist anther to assist themselves and only if they are open to listening and changing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as something "holy" in a world of unholiness, where I have some apparent mission to destroy all these demons - yet how can this make any sense when I am also a demon? Yes I have improved many areas of my life, yet I still engage in some form of demonic activity like majority of humans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that anyone that stands for a religious belief, must be some type of demon against life that I must exorcise.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am more knowledgeable then most people in matters of demonology, the occult and religion - regardless of this being true or not, it is no excuse to use this knowledge against people as a form of weapon to attack their beliefs and pre-programmed patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to congratulate myself for "exorcising" someone in complete self-interest vampiring energy to get my kicks.

I forgive myself for not realising that If I am attacking a persons beliefs as this exorcist character, especially when they are not ready to investigate and change their beliefs then I am doing far more damage then benefit for the person. I will not allow myself to abuse people like this anymore.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge someone as evil for a believing a religious belief that has been scientifically proven to be false.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as some kind of saviour, when in reality there is no saving anyone, in this world we can only ever save ourselves and assist others to save themselves - the idea of saving other sis just as futile as forgiving others -- there is no forgiveness that truly exist other then self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for not realising in all moments that when I am trying to complete an "excorcism" on someone, judging them, that I am completely deluded and in fact need to exorcise myself of this delusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to react as the ego, whenever someone is proud of their limitation and create a polarity friction where I define the person as evil and myself as good, which is separation - and apparently now we must battle intellectually until I make the person submit in complete separation from physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe that when I react to someone else's issues, that it is showing me that I am not clear at all and require to stop breathe, locate and remove these reactions I am having in the moment.

I forgive myself for holding onto memories of my grandfather ridiculing all forms of religion growing up, I see how I reacted to his knowledge of Science and ridicule of religion as a child and because I venerated my grandfather I see how I essentially became him and started to attack anything that supported the major establishment religions with the "power of Science."

I forgive myself for holding onto memories of Bernard having extensive knowledge of demons, the after life and demonic behaviour in humans - I see how I reacted to his knowledge and because I venerated him, I see how I became this limited form of him, believing I am like "Bernard's soldier" fighting against the evil in humanity so to speak. 

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this Exorcist character anymore, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts about battling someones beliefs, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage these thoughts because all that will happen is the continued limitation of myself and likely I will only cause conflict with someone, instead of assisting them. It may take many breathes, but I continue to breathe, no matter how many times I fall, I continue to breathe until eventually there is no more remnants of this Exorcist character.

I commit myself to living the realisation that everyone self-realises when the moment is right in their life process, I cannot speed up or take responsibility for anyone else's self-realisation but my own, I can only assist another to assist themselves, planting seeds, and I can only plant seeds If I am speaking from direct physical experience and the person is open to a seed being planted in their mind.

         
  

Day 269: Wanting it, but not wanting to create it.

Do you notice how many moments in our lives where we are desiring something to be done, yet we resist and avoid the point of taking responsibility to create the thing your wanting? Its a pre-programmed pattern.

I've seen it in loads of things I do in my life, for instance - cooking. For many years I would avoid the point of actually cooking food, not wanting to walk the process needed to make the food I'm desiring to eat, but rather talking my mother or a girlfriend into doing it for me, or paying someone for a delivery to my doorstep, or going to a restaurant so someone can cook me what I want - "luckily" for me all those people have enjoyed cooking more then me for the most part.

If I ever had to cook, it would always be the most effortless ready meals and I see how in my mind as the ego for a long time saw cooking as some form of slavery in terms of the creation of it - because of seeing the whole point of needing to eat food in the first place to sustain my body here stupid. Then of course my ego does not accept that I am a slave, does a king cook his own food? No. therefore obviously I can see how my mind was defining myself in relation to food.

This point of kingdom, king on the dome, its interesting because I have noticed that in moments where I have more money, the thoughts to avoid cooking come even stronger.

Also the whole point of certain dishes taking hours and hours to create, yet being confused in my mind why I would spend so much time on creating something that will always equally come out my ass as shit. 

In the past 6 months though my daily environment has changed and its amazing that when your in a different environment on your own though that you have to look at yourself, there is no avoiding it and It really puts into perspective what an issue having this resistance to cooking is - after a few weeks of stubbornly trying to keep this idea going that I should avoid cooking.

I started seeing after a few weeks that I was eating way too much fast food/deliveries and I was actually even getting angry a bit if there was nobody around to make my food, taking no responsibility for what my body was eating really.

After a few more weeks went by, I said to myself  - fuck this shit, this is stupid, why am I having this stupid pattern of avoiding cooking controlling my decision making? I am going to change this now.

I started learning, asking people like my mother or friends who can cook - how do I make this dish? What process do I need to follow? I kept sticking to breathe despite the thoughts continually come up to avoid cooking.

Every time I breathe through these thoughts, they dispersed and I created the meal step by step, to give me the outcome I want of filling my stomach - I have continued this process, to the point where I enjoy cooking now, expressing myself as cooking where It satisfies me to know that I have built this tasty dish from scratch, I often sing and dance while I'm cooking which I have found makes the process even more enjoyable.

Yet I still have moments like earlier today, where the thoughts to avoid still come up, I remained stable as breathe and got the necessary cooking done, but It reminded me that I still have more walking to do until these thoughts are fully transcended so that whether I am cooking or not tonight, I will always remain stable and expand the enjoyment of taking responsibility for creating what I want with my hands instead of just trying to skip the process.

Its like making anything better in this world, we have to embody the change we want to to see, we have to literally create what we want with our own hands - that is what cooking now serves to remind me of everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern of wanting food, but not wanting to create it. I realise the limitations of this concept, which has kept me in separation of myself and has caused the consequence of literally having to spend money or shout at people to cook for me.

I forgive myself that I have defined cooking as a form of slavery, because while yes having to sustain the body with food is imprisoning from the perspective that nobody can avoid it in this world - It is this point itself, it is still here nonetheless, so what point is there is being consistently unstable about this fact? None -- I see when I slow down as a breathe that it makes sense to express and enjoy myself within cooking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a king that is above the "slave like act" of cooking - See how In reality I am no more important then anyone else, therefore I am equal to this food that needs cooking, I am literally composed of what I eat, therefore I should always be open to rolling up my sleeves and creating my food everyday - yet that is not to say that others cannot cook for me sometimes, I can enjoy that too, yet there is no need to ever have an issue with cooking myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to not just want food, but always want others to do it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not cooking based on how much money I have - when I have more money I notice that the desire to avoid cooking is even stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to increase my avoidance of cooking in the past based on how much money I have.

I forgive myself for not realising that while I have a life of dignity I can create enjoyment within cooking through a multitude of ways.

I forgive myself for being confused about why I would ever want to spend a longtime cooking when the food will always come out as shit.

I forgive myself for not realising that yes while some dishes take a long time and all equally come out as shit, that is no justification for not cooking at all and it does not mean I have to always try cooking the most complex dishes when I am cooking - because I can always adjust my cooking times by doing more simple dishes based on how much other tasks I need to complete in the day.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that I can only understand how anything works when I have actually done it myself - cooking is such a great example of that in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not always allowed myself to see and understand that I must experience something I want/and or need, through the process of creation with my hands, not emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to fall into a pattern of consistently avoiding cooking again, as I realise the limitations of this pattern - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to avoid, wanting something and not being prepared to create it, thoughts to be lazy - I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to engage, I keep breathing until these  thoughts do not come up.

I commit myself to always being open on any day to building all my meals throughout my day, even if i am not in my house and enjoying the process.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I ma what I eat - therefore It makes sense to always be taking responsibility for the creation of what I eat, as often as possible, or if someone else is cooking then offering assistance if necessary. 

Day 268: Pushing it to the limit and Self-Judgement part 2

Why all this pushing it to the limit and judging myself when I'm not? Its a pre-programmed pattern of behaviour which does not assist me in living whats bets for all life -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to spend longer at work then anyone else, I realise that this is all coming from this "pushing it to the limit" character which is based in competition is all ego trying to show my work colleagues that I work harder then them to achieve my goals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to do everything as a hard as possible, yet I am realising as I get older the limitations of always going 100% because it leads to missing things here that I see when I am stable as breathe, it leads to burning out and a lack of consideration that my pushing it to the limit has on myself and others around me.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that some moments require pushing it to the limit and some do not, many things require a blend of pushing myself to the limit and being gentle - I see and understand that when I am clam as this breathe here, I can apply common sense and be honest with myself about when it is beneficial to push and when it is beneficial to relax - as the ego I always push, so I take self-responsibility to rewire this cycle to what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined according to pushing things to the limit, as if I am "not myself" if I am not doing everything to the maximum extremes - I recognise and see that this self-definition is based in separation because who I am as life, is always here as this breathe, thus this self-definition is not based in physical reality and so i am stopping this now.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe that while being passionate about something and being fully invested in seeing it done with all my effort is of benefit, this can become counter productive if I am too harsh on myself and listening to my body noticing when I must relax in amongst the passion of completing something.

I forgive myself that every time I am relaxing, to have thoughts and interact with these thoughts that I am so lazy when I'm relaxing, that no matter how tired I am I need to get up and complete everything with all my effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not feel satisfied with my day unless I have tried to complete as many things as possible with all my effort - I realise that my life is not a computer game, I cannot do everything at once, I can only do my best to practically navigate each point that needs my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself whenever I am not pushing things to the limit which is not supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise in all moments that my mother had a heart attack from this exact point of always pushing to the limit, and so I see how I have learnt this pushing and self-judgement from her and held onto those memories -

So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my mother always pushing things to the limit in everything she does, I can see how holding onto these memories does not assist me and only leads into more layers of self-judgement when I am not pushing, so I let these memories go now.   

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to enjoy moments of relaxation fully.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe that pushing when my body or mind when it needs to relax is self-abuse which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that this pushing it to the limit all the time affects my sleep patterns, which causes me to be more tired and like a self-created type of insomnia which affects my concentration levels.

I forgive myself for not adjusting or be willing to adjust my sleep patterns often enough to give myself more rest - I realise that If i continue this there can be no beneficial outcome for anyone, so I have to push myself and create new sleep patterns which will consistently allow me to have 4-6 hours of deep sleep a night and more if I am more tired.

I forgive myself for not always realising that if I am not getting enough sleep then I am abusing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am being lazy when I'm relaxing, when in reality if the rest is helping to recuperate my sore mind or body, then it is necessary so I will not allow this fear to continue.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear that I am missing something that needs to be done now whenever I am relaxing, but actually provided I have planned out my relaxation time and I have done the necessary tasks, then I can enjoy this relaxation until a new task completion becomes clear, or my recuperation is complete.

I commit myself to living the realisation that always pushing myself to the limit is a limiting pattern which can only lead to decrease in results.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to always go to the limit, to always push as a hard as possible as I see the limitation of this systematic behaviour - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to go non-stop, I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to immediately interact with these thoughts, I continue to breathe until these thoughts do not come up, so I can use common sense to apply more effort when the time is right.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to judge myself for not pushing to the limit, so as and when I see my mind having self-judgemental thoughts, I stop and breathe I do not let myself engage with these thoughts as no form of judgement of myself can help me to get the best results from anything, so I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I am flesh and bone, that I require to take rests in between pushing to the limit on anything.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to push myself to the limit unless I am actually stable as breathe, where I can make a common sense decision of when to push and how long to push for, instead of going into ego where only pushing makes sense, so I breathe when thoughts come up, keep breathing and .