Day 350: A Life of Thinking

Have you ever had someone say to you that life is created from our thoughts? Spiritual gurus and those that speak about the law of attraction will often focus on this point.

Yes the law of attraction for example can be used to accumulate wealth for oneself, but that does not make thoughts life creators, which seems to be a misconception some have.

The abuse of the law of attraction as our incessant focus on manifesting our own self-interested thoughts has created the chaos we see in the world today.

So it's Interesting when you look closer, because you can see that a life of thinking does not actually create life -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a tree is living and gives life to us humans, yet it is not thinking - this highlights that we humans can live without thought but not trees, because it is the tress that are filling our lungs, not our "powerful thoughts".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the fact that animals, bugs, fish do not think yet they are alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that this planet and the universe is not created from thoughts, yet it is the earth and all the galaxies in our universe that make life possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when a child is born, they are not thinking, they are breathing here as this physical body, it is from years of influence from parents and our environments that engineers in thinking where an energy body integrates into the physical.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thought gives power to my body, when in reality that is the reverse of the truth, because it is my body that fuels and makes it possible to have thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that what is of real value, of true importance, which is life - has nothing to do with thinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that humans ability to lie and decieve is the only unique dominion of thoughts, where the self-interest of separation rules.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a human formed from thoughts, will always have an undercurrent of deception and selfishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts have some kind of a divine power, when it is this very concept that has created the world as it is where the worst atrocities are happening to real life in every moment in silence while we humans are so busy with our divine thoughts as an endless computer game.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the teachers of "mind power" and the law of attraction do so not to serve life, but to make money and make manifest the abuse of our selfish desires - I realise that If I utilise the law of attraction I must do so from the starting point of manifesting what is best for all life with the money I create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if thought could create life, then starvation could be thought out of existence when in reality it cannot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the failed world system of capitalism that we currently have, was created by thoughts, the selfish pre-programmed nature of human beings - meanwhile the physical world which is a truly successful system functions and flourishes without thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that thought and the mind only actually creates illusions that we believe are real, so only those that are not real will value thoughts, opinion and a "free mind" as illusion made real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is the thoughts of humans as our personality which is destroying that which matters, that which is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is parents and the community which infect children with the same disease they suffer from as thought, without understanding how thoughts work and the dangerous consequences of this thought disease run rampant in a person.

I commit myself to call on all living beings to realise the virus of thought and to redesign themselves within living words as life with self-forgiveness and self-honesty.

I commit myself to present solutions that will expose thought for the disease that it really is and will support life unconditionally.

I commit myself to assist all beings I come across that with self-honesty you can take on the disease of thoughts until they are cured and are life eternal.

I commit myself to remind all thinkers that thoughts are encompassed within your brain, neither of which can survive death and so if the thinker cannot become real, stop playing god, then the thinker will end at death.

I commit myself to show that thought is the weapon of war, which manifests as competition, comparisons, fear, hate, fake love and all versions of energy for the sole focus of self-interest of thoughts and survival no matter what consequences are wrought upon real life.

Day 349: The walls are closing in

Fascinating how our experience of ourself can change from place to place, you see for instance how we often may find ourselves more comfortable in one house, country or location then others.

Which really explains why we humans like moving houses, going on holiday etc, it's often to chase some kind of higher level of happiness. we feel that we will get somewhere else.

So I watched Alien 3 the other day and anyone who is familiar with the Alien films will know that Alien 3 is generally known to be the darkest and most claustrophobic of the Alien series so to speak.

This is due to Ripley being trapped in a new home which is a dark world, a small prison planet with no weapons to defend against the Alien.

I watched this film because it was the first film I ever saw that truly scared me as a kid, I remember being about 8 when I first saw it and later that night when I went to bed, I couldn't sleep easily, I felt like the walls were closing in, like I was stuck in one of the dark prison cells in the film waiting for the Alien to come and get me.

I also watched this film, because while I thought I never had fear of small spaces, recently I had a similar claustrophobic experience I had as a kid watching Alien 3 the first time - it came up recently with the new house I have moved to. It is my smallest amount of space I have had for a long time and I have noticed multiple times already where my mind sort of panics for a moment.

Where I might bump into something or trip on something because all my stuff is so tightly packed into a small space, then my mind reacts as an experience of  a moment of panic, like the "The walls are closing in".

Yet I forgave myself, I kept breathing and I'm adjusting more and more to less space then before -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in my mind to having less space then in my previous house, as an experience of the walls closing in, where the emotion of fear comes up that my world is literally collapsing in on itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having less space, to fear that my world is slowly collapsing in on itself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that this "walls closing in" experience is not really occurring, it is purely my pre-programmed mind exaggerating the situation of having less space projecting onto of reality - when in reality the walls are not actually closing in, I have a roof over my head, a life of dignity and I am breathing here exactly the same as my previous houses therefore there is no need for any difference of how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a prisoner on the prison planet in Alien 3, feeling like i'm trapped running out of time in an enclosing dark prison needing to escape, waiting for the enclosing walls of consequence in life to snuff me out the same as the Alien.

I forgive myself that I have to hold onto memories of a claustrophobic experience i had as a youngster watching Alien 3 the first time, which I have allowed to come up again recently - I see how when I breathe here as who I am really am as life, that no claustrophobia exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I had no fear of being trapped in smaller places, when in reality this has come up recently, showing that my ego spews up this suppressed fear when it doesnt like something, in this case having less space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a free character and I can see within this how my pre-programmed mind connects freedom to space, where the ego feels more in power the more space I live in. I see how I party more and generally experience myself as stronger when I have more space which is  just a bullshit polarity fucking with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an unnecessary polarity within and as my mind, where I define more space as good and less space as bad. Yet in self-honesty I stand here as this breathe seeing the misconception, the illusion of this idea, the ego always wants more space, more everything in self-interest which the many royal castles around the world show - yet  self-honesty and common sense shows, I am here able bodied and fully physically functional regardless of how much space I have. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that I can be stable anywhere I have dignity which I have in my new house regardless of having less space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to believe that it is more difficult to breathe when im in this smaller place, which in reality is bullshit  in my mind because I am able to breathe exactly the same as in any size of house.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realise in every breath that having less space is actually a support for me right now, where my egos desire for space to match the idea of freedom is being exposed as not real.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise in every breath that living what's best for all life is not dependent upon how nice my house is, or how much space I have because as long as I have a house of dignity, then I can live as a house of what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I get distracted within my own closed mind, within my own enclosing self-interested wants - this very point is what has created a world where rape, war and starvation are allowed to go on in silence while we all try avoid walls enclosing in on us, endlessly looking for more space for our ego to run riot, turning a blind eye while life suffers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see that when I give into and participate with my thoughts then the walls really do close in, where every time I allow thoughts to direct me, I am becoming weaker and weaker, becoming more and more entrapped and entrenched within and as the mind - yet when I stand here saying till here no further sticking to my self-honesty as this breathe of life, then the walls do not close in, in fact I then control the dimensions of the walls in my world, where I can design my house I live in and the house of what I allow inside me to be what's best for all life.

I commit myself to not allowing the walls to close in on me any further, so as and when I see my mind panicking, being uncomfortable, having some backchat come up, I stop and breathe, I realise the cycle I am trapped as - I stand, breathing and I continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to exposing the idea that if you have more space you have more freedom, because in reality no matter what living space you have - until we have a world where all are supported equally as life, then none are truly free.

I commit myself to breaking down any walls within and as me that hold me back from living what is best for all life.

I commit myself to living the realisation that the only walls that are closing in, are the walls of time running out for humanity to make a world that's best for all and I will never give up until I have created a world that I am proud of as what's best for all.





  

Day 348: The Charity of Greed

So someone was spoken of in a group setting recently, this person was spoken of as being a great person because of the fact that they give a lot of money to charity.

I agreed that the person has his heart in the right place thinking of others, yet i also planted the seed of implication that his focuses and the idea of charity generally were misguided.

I said " Cool he think of others, however it is interesting to look at why charities exist in the first place, because in an ideal world nobody would be a slave, nobody would require someone else to be their god as money, everybody would be their own god, which will be done through basic income leading to an equal money system".

My point was understood by all present, although a few would still vehemently hold onto their idea that charities are beneficial and are "good for the soul".

I have been their myself years ago, because it seems so innocent the idea of charity according to our understanding of reality as we have been taught through our environment, parents etc. Yet I have walked a long process to unravel the deception of charities in this capitalist money system, because it is one of the biggest lies we are taught growing up.

Everything is in reverse and while charities are painted as a good thing in society, in reality they feed into the basis of the very problem with capitalism.

If you cut yourself badly, no amount of plasters no matter how nicely made will be sufficient - only stitches, getting to the route of the issue and sewing it up, ending the bleeding.

The route of all issues that charities claim to combat are worsening, not lessening. Terminal illness from things like Cancer have been increasing since it was first ever known about despite the efforts of so many cancer charities.

Rare disorders, Animal abuse, nature abuse, people losing jobs falling into poverty - while you can get a lot of skewed manipulated data online for a lot of these points, in reality they have all been worsening for the most part and with Artificial Intelligence steadily consuming all human jobs, those falling into destitute poverty is only set to increase, without a solution asap.

Where does all the money end? Well one may ask that, there are many charity owners with deep pockets, many connected to royalty and banking who always will have new toys to play with, yet the goals of their charities remain ever elusive in their completion.

I am not willing to focus on the light as charity while only creating the darkness as abuse in this world. I create myself as the solution as an equal money system in action living what is best for all life.   

The only charity that truly exists, while not a solution is an unconditional action of support given from my hand to another, no organisations/charities lording over reality are needed for this and I will walk until charity no longer exists, where everybody is living as the royalty of life with only the best for all, as we always should have been.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that charities are for the good of people, when in reality this is purely a polarity friction where this focus on the light of heaven as charity saving the day, is creating the negative as accelerated abuse in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity only exists because the rich exist as a tiny godly group, while the majority are poor, when if everyone was wealthy then no charity would exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity only exists because rape, war, illness and poverty exist. If those abuses to life did not exist, then no charity would exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that our abusive human nature cannot be changed, which feeds into my idea that charity is the only way to go. When in reality I realise in self-honesty that I can change any abusive pattern that exists in my nature to become whats best, where no charity is needed because all are supported equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that poverty only exists because what the planet provides us for free, is blocked, commercialised kept under the control of a few without free and equal access for all as it should be - this then causes the consequence of charities being created as deceptive gratefulness so that the wealthy can give a few crumbs from their plate of greed while also justifying why they are wealthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity has been abused by corporations to promote their own products as I see within my own company - this is all while the corporation gets tax benefits putting more pressure on communities meeting the budgets of a failed system. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realise that religion is a failed system which funds itself directly through charity from the community as we see with the Vatican on the grandest scale, without ever bringing any change or benefit that will end charity and make a truly better world due to greed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity activists are in fact agents in the matrix protecting a failed system, justifying their activism on the belief that the world system cannot change, so they believe they do the best they can which cannot possibly create a world that is measurably best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity is used by the dishonest ego of humans to feel better about the many daily dishonesties that are allowed individually as each one fuels a failed system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that in a world of equality, charity will not exist because our giving to each other will be based on an equal agreement of what's best for both parties, not one person playing god to a slave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that accepting charity is just like a death sentence to those being abused, because it implies that this failed capitsic system will never change, which i will never accept.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that charity is greed, because the rich can only be rich because the poor exist - so by taking more than what is needed, hoarding the gold, using charity as the smokescreen to cover up this evil of riches for the minority, nobody questions the morality of wealth and charity.

I commit myself to ending all charity, because charity is the failed experiment of the mad scientist, the charred remains of a failed system that only causes harm to life.

I commit myself to living the realization that the only charity that exists is unconditionally from my hand to another's as a brief alleviation of a systemic issue, yet it is no solution to the problem and when corporations are involved, then greed is involved which only creates a continuation of the problem.

I commit myself to the establishment of a system that looks after all life equally so that everyone can acknowledge the real wealth on our planet which is Life as Heaven on Earth.

I commit myself to exposing how charities are abused by the rich, the corporations and the activists with no real solutions to permanently end the world's problems.

I commit myself to show that charity is a criminal act which actually condemns the poor to a life of failure and early death because the charitable will never give up their control, while justifying abuse through supporting a failed money system.

I commit myself to question the integrity of activists, who may simply have a misguided understanding of what's best for all life - I will stand to remind these activists that activism should be about the building of a new world system that is best for all life and if one cannot stand for whats best for all, then one is an agent, an extension of the system of greed that has failed all ife in all ways.

Day 347: Roll with the Punches

If you've ever sparred before in most kinds of striking gyms, you will undoubtedly have heard the phrase "roll with the punches".

Long story short this means that when your opponent hits you, you have to adjust your body to flow with the shot, to lessen the impact of the blow, to be able to compose yourself, reset and continue. The more this is repeated, then the more it becomes a part of the direct access muscle memory, meaning you will do it automatically with no thought.

This ideology is proven to assist strikers from all martial arts in being able to take a hit better if it happens. Interestingly enough this phrase is also relevant to life in general, where it is crucial that when bad things happen, you learn to roll with it, to not fight the force of the event, but rather stand equal to and move with the force as it comes crashing into your life.

Just last night I had a reminder of that, where my house move was made more difficult due to internet issues and old neighbour frictions flaring up.

I initially reacted a little, but diffused it quickly - where as a young man in my mid-teens a night like last night I would certainly have allowed it to make me accumulate to an explosion of aggression and who knows what chaos i would have created as a consequence.

But thankfully, I am battle tested at this point - so many times since walking my process have I been put in testing situations, where before my process I would not have rolled with anything but would have ran headlong into the full force of any issue that came up to cause as much destruction as possible.

That is what gets you knocked out in a fight and in life in general, whereas now I roll with controversy, difficulty, misunderstandings, misalignments, so that I can remain stable and find a solution that is best for all - this rolling is done through instantaneous self-forgiveness and staying here as breath, so that i lessen the impact of difficulty in life when it occurs, even able to foresee it before it happens where I can then quickly calculate and act according to whats best for all.

These self-forgiveness statements may assist you as they have me in my life when difficulties arise, just like last night -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not roll with the punches when a problematic event happens in my life. I realise that if I am rigid, if I am cumbersome and stiff as fear creates, then I am hit hard, personally offended and thus not able to navigate the event with common sense to what's best - this is only achieved when I forgive myself and stick to breathing, that is my self-honesty where I am trustworthy to roll to a solution to the problem that's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to learn the hard way in life, that if I react and charge into conflict when a problem occurs in life, I essentially become enslaved by that problem, where no solution that's best is possible only a continuation of the chaos we see on planet earth from humanity which is unacceptable and must be ended.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that it is the very point of not rolling with punches, not moving to solutions that are best for all, this is the cycle that all of humanity is trapped within right now maintaining the status quo - always thinking that reacting and charging into battle is better then utilising common sense to diffuse teh conflict, which causes a world that makes no sense as we see now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pride and define myself according to being a "tough guy that can take a punch". I have realised through the years that regardless of whether you can take a punch or not, that is completely irrelevant because sooner or later no matter how good your chin is, you will get finished eventually, thus when one rolls, I prolong my career and my life through developing a muscle memory of how to immediately best navigate and resolve problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must battle problems when they occur in a reaction of fear and anger, instead of realising that what i resist always persists - thus i must accept what is here, roll as breath and direct it to what's best for all life and future generations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste so many years of my life trusting the rigidity of fear ahead of the water flow of breath here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see in every moment, that a problem is actually a point of support for me to see and give me the chance to correct some issue inside myself that is affecting my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still have moments where I do not roll with the punches of life, where instead i for a moment react and look to run straight into one of life's punches, then diffuse myself a few moments later. This self-diffusion after the fact, is always better before - yet I realise that this reactionary process has been hardwired into me for so long, that it will likely take just as long or longer to truly release the cause of this issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes think its ok to run into the conflict if someone has tried to create conflict for me in the first place. I realise this is just my ego, getting offended and trying to defend itself, trying to create justifications of why it could be ok to react sometimes, when pre-programmed reactions are always based on energy, on self-interest which never can be acceptable as it only causes a world where rape, war and starvation is the global consequence of the unified individual reactionary cycle.

I commit myself to not allowing rigidity, reactions of fear and anger when a problem happens in life, as it creates only a continuation of the chaos in me and all of humanity, which is an extinction recipe, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts, feelings or emotions to "fight with a problem" I stop and breathe, this is where i roll with the punches, where i see my self-honesty, I do not allow myself to participate within these thoughts, feelings and emotions - I breathe and continue to breathe moving according to common sense on repeat until there is no more reaction, no matter how long it takes.

I commit myself to exposing the stupidity of not rolling with the punches in life and the clear consequences this has on us individually and collectively - this i will do as the example i walk.

I commit myself to creating a world where all humanity rolls in unison with each others problems, so that we all can create solutions immediately that looks after all life on Earth in equality and oneness, where eventually there will be no more problems that occur, because we have rolled with all problems in the world to what's best. 

Day 346: Born once Die once

So it was my birthday yesterday and it is interesting how my mind resists the celebration of my birthday. Every year since I have been around 20 I really have not celebrated my birthday in terms of having a party for my birthday, getting cards/presents, holidays etc.

It's the same with most holidays for me, but the past few years I have been more receptive to actually celebrating on my birthday, like this past weekend with some friends - yet I still see the moments where my mind has this resistance that comes up.

It's like everyone that knows me well, has learnt through the years to not even both offering me an actual present wrapped up, because of knowing that I will not accept the present, but instead will give some kind of rant about birthdays not being real.

I can remember the starting point of this resistance to birthdays coming years ago when I was around 20 and was starting to question my decisions in life more and more.

There was a quote I read at the time from Ralph Parlette where he said - "Real Birthdays are not annual affairs. Real Birthdays are the days when we have a new birth". Also Bernard once said to me that happiness on birthdays is dependant on Money not God or an energy of Love. Ever since then I really haven't celebrated my birthday.

The direct truth of these statements then led me to spend a lot of time researching the origins of Birthdays as they exist in the world, which when you do so you will realise it takes you to pagan beliefs stemming all the way back to ancient civilizations like Greece, Persia and Egypt.

It was believed in these civilizations that when a God was born, or when a man ascended to become a king, then that date, that astrological alignment must be celebrated through praise and gifts everytime it comes round. This praise was demanded by the Gods and Kings of the times, and as these gods and kings died through the years, we all just carried on the idea of praising a person every time a synchronicity to their original birth occurs every year.

I started to notice how selfish myself and other people can be on their birthday, the self-interest, the irrational demand for attention and gifts just the same as the ancient gods and kings. 

So it became clearer through my research that this birthday celebration was really born of ego, but rather then rediesgn birthdays to what's best for all, I shunned the idea of Birthdays altogether.

More layers would build onto this through the years, such as the self-definition of myself as a type of a lone samurai where the idea is that I am only born once and I die once. Yes we are all born once and die once, but this is something many a "silent warriors" in human history have then twisted into like a spiritual concept with a face of magnanimous nobility, but with an undertone of self-sacrifice, intellectual separation and ego.

Then as I was also learning more about the abuse in the world, the things that go on in silence while we do things like celebrate our birthdays - the rapes, teh wars, the sickness and starvation etc.

I could not see the point in celebrating my birthday while so much abuse was occurring in silence. It has merely been an indication of the ignorance of humanity to make the world a better place to me.

I had shame about the state of the world, coupled with also being ashamed at some of the things I had done as an angry young man growing up, like I felt that my birthday was not worthy of celebration when I have done some of the things I have done while innocent children die in extreme poverty without ever experiencing birthday celebrations.

Then also I was making a valued judgment being confused about why you would be happy about being a year older? Are you happy that you are still alive in such an uncaring world? Or are you happy that you are one day closer to your inevitable death, where it be construed as a suicidal point even. Either way the point of celebrating getting older is something I didn't want.

This point was also coupled with a deeper point going back further of having to grow up very young in terms of adult responsibilities, thus my mind has for a longtime wanted to stay young, to hold onto the youth that i feel i missed out on a lot of growing up.

As i said I have applied much self-forgiveness on these points in recent years, yet the moments of separation still come up.

This past weekend for my birthday for instance, while i did push myself to have fun with some friends which was cool, I still resisted certain moments where rather then letting my friends buy all my food and drinks as was offered, I would produce my card for payment quicker then them.

When my mother and her friend sang me happy birthday when I visited, my immediate response was one of looking down in a coy embarrassment and making a sarcastic grumble noise.

I have since realised that while the system of the celebration of birthdays as it exists is not always cool when one is lost in self-interest. In reality though I can redesign birthdays where I can make it something that is best for all life, where I am not separating myself from birthdays, but instead reforming them, redirecting it to be something based in the celebration of life.

And so I walk - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to celebrate my birthday unconditionally, but to instead resist, avoid and deny the reality of my birthdays existence and its need for restructuring. I realise that I am not an exception to the rule of having a birthday and birthdays are not some kind of evil thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity friction where I have defined celebration of birthdays as being something negative and not celebrating birthdays as something positive, when really this is just a valued judgement that keeps me in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a better person for not celebrating my birthday, when in reality no person has any more value then anyone else regardless of if they celebrate their birthday or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to and hold onto statements from Ralph Parlette and Bernard Poolman where they implied that the celebration of birthdays made no sense and then use this as the foundation of justification for separating myself from birthdays.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the common sense of statements from Mr Parlette and Bernard as justifications to not celebrate my birthday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that in this world the ability to have happiness on our birthday in this capitalist system, is based on having money, on how many sweets and presents we get, while claiming to celebrate just because i'm happy to be alive, yet never giving up that money to live purely off this gratefulness to be alive that I claim.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that those without money are most certainly not grateful and happy to be alive existing in suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that through not celebrating my birthday, it has only compromised my relationship building with others in certain situations, which does not assist anybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define birthdays as negative in my mind due to the currently accepted foundation of birthdays being connected to paganism and psychotic "gods and kings" of the ancient world with huge egos, without realising that just because birthdays came from these beings, that does not mean I have to celebrate my birthday the way those beings did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not celebrating my birthday because of wanting to separate myself from psychopathic gods of the old world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word Paganism as automatically being bad, when in reality this is separation there is nothing evil or bad about Paganism, it purely means a form of religion which is not mainstream.

I forgive myself that because the system of birthdays is indeed based in self-interest, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seen as selfish by others, to be a part of that self-interest manifesting as resisting gifts and praise etc. When in reality this not wanting to be seen as selfish by not celebrating my birthday is really a cover to boost my ego of presenting being a "good person" that is above selfishness, when in reality I can be just as selfish as anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-definition of being a lone samurai gangster who lives by the sword of my "deep honourable code" of being born once and dying once, viewing myself as the wandering ronin simply existing in between the two posts of life and death, where death is the only thing i expect each year, not my birthday which I have viewed as a one time event. I see how within this starting point of thinking I am purely existing as a selfish ego between the two posts, rather than living as what's best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am being noble within this samurai code I carry, yet i realise there is no nobility in self-sacrifice and ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about having money to celebrate my birthday while so many in the world do not. I see how while it is unacceptable that not all beings have money to celebrate their birthday, that does not mean I have to martyr myself through not ever celebrating my birthday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed about some of the things i did as an angry young man and since that time to believe I do not deserve to celebrate my birthday, as a form of self-sabotage which is unacceptable, because everyone's birthday is worthy of celebration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for my deeds by forcing myself to not celebrate my birthday for so many years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience confusion over why you would celebrate being a year older, as if being a year closer to your death is something to celebrate, or surviving another year in such a uncaring world is something to marvel at. I see how while it could make sense to my character, it is really just cynical valued judgements I make to separate myself from those that celebrate their birthday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view all holidays birthdays, christmas etc as being selfish holiday of a selfish system of capitalism, which although this is true with their current structuring, the answer is not to separate myself from them, but instead redesign them to be what's best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of having to grow up early as a child to look after my mother, and that this was the true origin of not celebrating my birthday, because of wanting to stay young, not wanting reminders of getting older, wishing I could get back the years of youth I feel i missed as a child.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that acknowledging getting older, by celebrating my birthday has in my mind been like acknowledging another year where I have not manifested a world that's best for all, where I see myself as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the acceptance of offerings from friends on my birthday, I realise that if someone unconditionally gives me something, then I can unconditionally accept it, the same way as when I unconditionally give to another, I would like the being to unconditionally accept the gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in negative grunting and physical movements when someone sings happy birthday to me, next time this happens I stick to breathing, forgiving myself and do not allow any pre-programmed reactions to control how I respond in these moments.   

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility to redesign birthdays to become what's best for all life instead of separating myself from birthdays. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that my Birthday does not have to be about the focus of me, I can instead re-create it as a celebration of life as a reminder that I am here breathing and through unifying with my brothers and sisters in equality and oneness, I take self-responsibility to create a world as myself where all people birthdays are celebrated with equal value,

I commit myself to not allowing myself to resist any celebration on my birthday, I see how I have fucked myself in my own lonely prison of the ego through doing this - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to avoid my birthday, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts, instead I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more resistance that comes up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that separating myself rom and acting like something doesn't exist when it does is never the solution to fix something. Rather that resisting birthdays, I re-create birthdays to be an example of what's best for all life.

I commit myself to making sure that on my birthday I include as many people as possible, where the focus of the group, of the party is the celebration of all our lives, the celebration of what we can achieve in this world and the celebration of life in general.

I commit myself to creating a world where everybody's birthday is equally valued and appreciated by all.