Day 206: 2017 and beyond - A new year and a new Humanity

Yes 2016 is coming to a close, and what do people say every year when we get to this period? Other then the obvious Christmas/holiday statements, people talk about their "new years resolution". But what is this resolution? Its usually something that people want to stop doing, like an addiction, some sort of destructive behaviour, or its something that someone wants to start like a new training class, get a new job, a new car etc.

But first off I have to say, that while it is cool to learn to let go of addictions and patterns etc, it is also incredibly limiting to focus points of change on the new year period only. This form of conditional change never works, and as crazy as the concept of only trying to change on the new year period is, it is genuinely what a lot of people do, so a lot more learning is needed for humanity.

Real change however is a commitment 24/7, 365 days a year, it is not a fleeting feeling, or a periodical desire - it is a disciplined guideline for our conduct moment to moment, breathe by breathe, and the more we stick to our re-scripted guideline, the more natural it becomes. This is developed through a physical determination and will to make a difference that one must develop no matter what. Have a look at your past new years resolutions - how many of them did you walk to completion?

You will probably find like most, that the new years resolutions you have made in the past in your life were never completed fully, because as "the grind" of the new year begins to settle in, as the thoughts in our head and the madness of the world seem so difficult to stop, as we realise that our life is exactly the same now as it was last year, it can cause people to become despondent, and lethargic about maintaining the change that they "committed" themselves to for their new years resolution.

Also what I would like to highlight is the fact that in reality there is only one new years resolution that is best for all life - that is taking self-responsibility for all the shit that exists inside ourselves and what exists on this planet - in short taking responsibility for everything that is here.

This resolution is the only resolution which is needed for every single human in this world - a commitment to re-birth ourselves as a new humanity that cares for all life equally - what this means is that no matter how many times we fail in improving whats here, we stand back up and we walk until it is done.

So if you are experienced in standing up for life, or you are just now beginning to learn how, then let this new year be a form of a catalyst, but never a defining point for our self change.

Enjoy the holiday season if you have family or friends that you spend time with -

but remember we have work to do, there are too many suffering in our world, and we cannot allow this to continue, so as hard as this task is, we have to walk it nonetheless. So make your new years resolution for 2017 to make a commitment to life, to this planet, that no matter what you will find a way.

 

Day 205: Anything you can do I can do better Part 2

Competition does not make us stronger, it actually makes us weaker in our ability to take care of life, and only continues the magnetics of capitalism where we enslave one another.

I do not want to continue any patterns of competition with another person inside of myself, and as a species we must locate every instance of competition in our lives, and eliminate them for good, so that we can develop as a race that uplifts each other instead of destroying each other to our extinction.

so we walk -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as competition with someone that is working on a project with me, and has similar capabilities - I realise that by allowing any participation with these competitive thoughts, I only compromise the effective completion of the project i am working on with others, as well as limiting my abilities to support life equally, which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to competition, through years of the indoctrination of being a capitalist machine - this indoctrination I will myself to walk out breathe by breathe until it ceases to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and revitalise memories from my youth of competing with other people, particularly in athletic or mental endeavours - I realise that through reliving these memories again and again, I only enforce and strengthen the pre-programming within me limiting myself, which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that through existing as this ego fuck "anything you can do I can do better"competition energy, my concentration is significantly diminished, because I am more focused on beating the other person rather then producing the best possible outcome for the project.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a hero, and thus believe that I should be first before anyone else in making the biggest impact on a project - I realise that through this self-definition I limit myself, in terms of lacking effectiveness on projects with others, and within not realising that when two beings are working on a project to benefit all life, then we are both equally heroes that should thus be working together to get the best outcome -

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my heroic endeavours must be validated before anyone else's, which is nothing but ego, and so does not assist me in living whats bets for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the first to be acknowledged for my contribution on a project that benefits all life - I realise that this ego fuck does not assist me in supporting all life unconditionally, so I take self-responsibility to change this deluded idea within myself.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to interact with any competitive thoughts that come up in my mind when working on a project with someone else of similar capabilities - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to compete with a person, I stop and breathe, I do not participate with these thoughts, as I realise the cycled diminishing of myself that will happen if I do participate, so I continue to stand as breathe no matter what, until the thoughts do not come up anymore.

I commit myself to living the realisation that nothing in life is about doing it "better then someone else" but rather just doing it better - and I realise that to get something done as quickly and effectively as possible, it always requires unity with others.

 

Day 204: Anything you can do I can do better

In capitalism, we are taught from a young age that competing with others is something that makes us stronger, and that we have to compete with people to get the best prize. In the workplace, in our families and relationships, we compete with others to "be the best" and win above someone else.

So we are warlike creatures in nature, and we have to change this warlike behaviour through the years to become supportive for life instead of destructive. You can see that sometimes even when we are working on something together with a person or persons, our mind is so geared towards competition, that we will fight with someone that we are supposed to be working with.

I have seen this myself recently - I am used to doing things myself, but I am also effective at working in teams, but recently I was competing in my mind with someone that I have been working on a project with. This person is new to the project like me, while others have been working on it for years.

So in my mind because this person joined this project at the same time as me, with the same level of experience, my mind was competing to make "the first big impression" on this project before this other new person.

Then while working on this new project, I could see that my mind was lacking concentration and focus on the tasks at hand, because I'm wasting moments thinking about beating the other person to make an impact - so in my mind it was constant ego fuck with thoughts like "come on I can't be beaten to make an impact by this guy, I have to be the hero before him".

Then later in the day, I started laughing at myself for a moment, because I could see how my pre-programming to compete was coming through and compromising my input and participation in this project.
 
You will notice that this competitiveness can come up when you see someone of equal capabilities, or someone where you can see similarities in your character to theirs, and they are working on something that you are also working on, or they have something you have, or are aiming for the same thing as you - there are many scenarios I can point to through the years where I have followed this pattern of behaviour.

So this competitive "anything you can do i can do better" thought process, is never something that will assist me or anyone else in living whats best for all, so I take self-responsibility to change this pattern of competitiveness, to release it, so that I am stable when interacting with others regardless of the scenario or something about the person.

If you have noticed a situation where you were competing with someone recently, then join me next week as I continue to walk this point.

Day 203: Are you afraid of getting old and desiring to live forever?

Aren't the laws of the physical fascinating? No matter what any being in this world does to attempt to avoid the laws of the physical, the reality is they cannot be avoided.

Fears of getting old becoming manifested in our behaviour, is one of the ways in which humanity attempts to avoid taking responsibility for ourselves - maybe you have noticed that when you get signs of grey hairs you immediately go out and get some hair dye? Maybe you should go to the doctor to check out all your developing aches and pains, but you keep avoiding it. Maybe your spending thousands on plastic surgery trying to make your skin look the same way it did when you where twenty, or maybe your trying use advanced Science in self-interest to attempt to make yourself eternal in one vessel, or have the ability to eternally jump bodies to avoid ageing in one vessel.

There are many ways in which humanity is always fearing getting older - if you cant immediately see this behaviour in yourself, then I suggest looking closer, or maybe you are not yet at an age where you are thinking about this yet - but again in reality even children in this world are conditioned to fear getting old - what do you think films like peter pan were made for? The whole idea of being eternally youthful is a desire that every human has experienced, that works in tandem with the fear of getting old.

As children we see the responsibility, the stress and strain our parents go through just to support us to be here - bills, work, cleaning, money, family responsibilities, looking after things etc. We want to avoid becoming this cycle, to avoid becoming this mature machine like behaviour, so we try and stay as young and care free for as long as possible in our mind - I know people in their 30s that still have not taken responsibility for anything as an adult in this world, and instead just want to remain without responsibility as a child.

This fear of getting old usually becomes more  prominent when we see the first signs of deterioration  in our physical bodies towards the end of our athletic prime that we react to it, and then pretend we didn't have that reaction in self-dishonesty. Then from these points we begin to live out our lives, trying to discredit and ignore the wear and tear that our bodies accumulate in the time we are here.

In my life I see moments where I have experienced fearing getting old - most notably was when my grandfather died - it was a slow painful process that went on for years - slowly seeing him physically breakdown was very tough and really started ramping up the fear of getting old thoughts in my mind.

Then after his death, my mind began fearing and looking out for signs inside my physical body of ageing/weakening/deterioration - its like a constant paranoid vigilance, where the slightest strain or ache is something you want to sort out asap to avoid the truth that your physical body is becoming less effective.

For years I have believed that I would never get old, that my time in this world will not enable me to see the 65+ age, and I have also seen how in my behaviour since my grandfathers death, I have purposely avoided being around old people as my mind tries  to avoid the truth that I am getting older, however I have since learnt from these mistakes.

Many do not realise that the aches and pains we develop as we get older, are a direct result of worrying about getting old in our mind, where we overwork our bodies trying to maintain the same workload we always have had throughout our athletic prime, which is not possible without scientific enhancement.

Personally I've always had supreme athleticism often able to compete at pro levels, but never dedicating myself to a career in one sport. Even as a smoker, I have in many scenarios been able to out work an athletic opponent in a sporting endeavour. However, I know that my athleticism is not beyond the laws of the physical, and this fact I have embraced, so that I remain stable throughout the remainder of my time here on Earth, as age the effects of age increase upon me and all life.

There are a few things that assisted me to transcend these thoughts of fearing getting old in my life -

There is nobody here that does not breakdown, end of story - any unique creatures of nature like the Turritopsis Dohrnii, or any highlander type stories you have heard throughout history, any deity stories from mythology, or any marvels of Science makes no difference - there has only ever been a pretence of immortality, a period of apparent invulnerability. But no matter what - everything has a beginning and an end -  so I know Wolverine is portrayed in the comics as a guy that literally never ages and can't die, but the cold dark reality of that story is anything but a cool story of superhero immortality, but rather a sad story of an exploited soldier, extending a persons life for a period of time through Science, with masses of physical pain as a part of the deal -

It does not matter if it is at 40 years, or 400,000 years, the effects of ageing become evident to every being ever created in history at some point. But try telling some people in the elite this, they literally will not hear of it no matter what Scientist explains what I'm saying, they have spent countless amounts of money since the WW2 period looking for a way to be immortally in one vessel - to cheat the system so to speak. On this point it must be noted that machines are far better equipped for functioning longer then humans in one vessel.

Then ultimately  - my breathe has no age, breathe is infinite, thought energy is limited and finite, as we breathe in and out and become increasingly aware of the reality of our existence as breathe, then the more we see that it is thought energy that drains the life force from the physical, where as breathe recuperates the physical.

While our bodies deteriorate, our breathe is always here - because life is eternal, and when everything about this lifetime we have experienced comes to an end, when our minds are deleted at death, life is still here - as one being breathes out his last breathe, another being breathes into this world for the first time.

So stick to breathe in moments of fearing the ageing process, forgive yourself, live as breathe, realise that the beginning and the end of anything, is as unavoidable as the sunrise and the sunset everyday, and you will see that the fear of getting old has never been real, thus it will not affect you anymore, and thus you will be able to grow older without any depressions and mental fuck ups, but rather a content and stable experience, embracing rather then ignoring, enjoying yourself as a living being breathe by breathe. 

Day 202: Being Content with what I have Vs Wanting More Part 2

So continuing from my last blog -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation through creating and feeding into a polarity friction between being content with what I have vs wanting more. I realise that there are moments where wanting more makes sense, and there are times when being content with what I have makes sense - but creating unnecessary hesitancy in my decisions and stress through going back and forth in my mind regarding certain decisions, makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the polarity friction of wanting more being a good thing and being content with what I have being a bad thing - I realise how I have mentally fucked myself from a young age to believe that the grass is always greener through this polarity friction definition of these words, but I have since realised that there is no good or bad in anything, there is only something helpful or unhelpful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being content as a negative connotative point, and wanting more being a positive point - I realise that this definition has limited my expression as life, and so has no place to be accepted any further in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold/keep reliving/adding layers to memories of having various collectable things as a child, and always wanting to have more then what I had - I realise that these memories are feeding into the limitation/separation of myself within making decisions to be content or want more at any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare what I currently have to what I would like to have in my mind. I realise that this comparison does not really exist and so I cannot allow this to affect my behaviour/make decisions for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the situation of buying a new car, by having back and forth thoughts that were almost arguing with each other about getting the same car, or getting a more expensive one.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that there is never any need for mental conflict within decisions, because really it is a matter of what ever is most practical and best for all life that is always the best decision to make in any moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting more then what I currently have, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being content with what I have.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that there are times when being content with what I have is best, in terms of there is no need to get rid of what I have unless it becomes abusive, that goes for friendships, work, things I buy - unless they become broken I must be content.

However I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that there are times that wanting and pursuing more is best - for instance if a job can pay you better money or give you more enjoyment then your current job, or if your partner or friend becomes a abusive, then it makes sense to want and to go ahead and pursue more.

I commit myself to being content with what I have if it is practical to do so, I realise that unless something becomes abusive here, I have no reason not to be content here, as I am content with myself as a living being. So as and when I see my mind drifting and wanting more then whats here, and the motivations behind this want are not practical, then I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with any thoughts, instead I breathe and continue to do so, until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to wanting more if it is practical to do so, I realise that it is only ever practical to want more, if something here is abusive or not functioning effectively, if I know that the thing I am wanting will be much more physically supportive for me, then I must take it. So as and when I see my mind having thoughts to be content with something here which is abusive, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage any thoughts, as I realise that do so, would be to consider accepting the abuse that is happening here, so I continue to breathe until the thoughts do not come up any more, and thus I will be able to pursue a more beneficial point then what I have here.

I commit myself to living the realisation that within any decision, whatever is the most practical option, is always whats best for all and thus best for me - this means that being content and wanting more essentially become irrelevant, because the focus in decisions, is on what can be achieved feasibly and what will support me in my capacity to support all life equally.  

 

Day 201: Being Content with what I have VS Wanting More.

Everyone has been in a situation in their life where they have had to make a decision - this decision is in a moment where there is two or more options available to you in any undertaking.

For example maybe there are two jobs available to you even when you already have a job, maybe there is more options for a relationship even when you already have one, or maybe there is a pair of shoes you've been wanting which seem superior to your current shoes.

I started this back and forth question in my mind as a youngster, where i would be collecting things, like different types of stickers, marbles, pogs, conkers, and various thinsg of the like, where i would always be having a struggle of being content with what i have but also wanting more of a certain "rare sticker", constantly believing the grass is greener, looking to get to being content in the future, without actually ever bringing it here.

Do you notice that the grass usually always seems greener in your mind? It like a comparison experience that we go into and that can overwhelm us, and cause us to disregard what we already have, if we do not slow down within breathing and apply common sense - I have learnt in my life that really the grass is actually greener where we water it, meaning there is only improvement in our life where we actually take responsibility to nurture something

For me recently I had a moment where this decision came up - I was purchasing a new vehicle, and while I was doing this, then my mind was reacting to the situation as the thoughts start coming up  -

"I should just get the same vehicle, but a newer version, I'm content with this car, its what I know and its what I'm used to" and then seconds later thoughts like "I want a better car, I should spend more money and get a nicer car".

Then in the next moment I smiled and laughed at myself for experiencing this thought conundrum, because I realised that it made no sense really, because whatever is most practical and best for all is always whats best in decisions in our life - but in my mind this has been made more complex then what it really is  -

"Being content with the vehicle I have makes sense because I am used to this make and model, it requires no new learning, and is well priced" - but then judging myself for not going for a different more expensive model - "if I can afford the more expensive one, then why am I just trying to be safe with the same model? Am I trying to avoid driving a different car to avoid new learning?"

But then at the same time I have been judging myself for wanting more - "why do I really want an even better car? The new version of my current vehicle is fine, I just want  to show off in an even more expensive car, which is stupid"

So you can see there has been some stupid back and forth issues in my mind about something which should be reasonably straight forward.
Being content with what we have vs wanting more, is most common to middle class people, but really it is something that all classes from rich to poor experience - being content with what we have is always important, it shows commitment, loyalty, and a general stability regarding how we exist moment to moment - and when we have all of our basics to have a dignified life, with a few luxuries, it is very easy to be content with everything in our life remaining exactly the same till we die.

However, being content with what we have in every single decision is not always whats best for all - for instance, if you have a good job, then that is cool for you, and you should be content with it, yet at the same time - if there is a job that you have more passion for/and or can pay you much better for your labour time, and this job becomes available - why limit yourself to sticking with the job you have? Of course you must look at attempting to get this new job.

However wanting more can also be incredibly dangerous when you bring it into all decisions in your life - I would suggest looking at the film Scarface to understand how fucked up always wanting more ends up looking like - just accumulating more and more for yourself in self-interest until eventually you pop so to speak - always building relationships based "on a step" to the next relationship, like a vampire draining what you can from a person/undertaking, until there is an option that gives you more love/money energy then the last.

This is psychotic behaviour, and particularly in relation with other beings - if you continue to want more then and undermine the friendships/relationships that you already have, then you will end up exactly like Tony Montana with no friends left being shot to pieces by the consequences of your own actions.

So in my experience I would say that when it comes to friendships/relationships we should always be content with the ones we have, unless they become abusive - because if some element of a friendship/relationship becomes abusive, and if it cannot be resolved, then it makes sense to want a more beneficial friendship/relationship, and we should move to make that happen if necessary.

When it comes to work life, from my perspective we should only be completely content with our job if we are actually doing our passion that we enjoy. If we are not in a job that we are passionate about, then from my perspective we should always be open to any job that can increase our work enjoyment/and or our money.

Then when it comes to life purchases, I would say it is best to be content with the thing we have, until that thing is not working at full capacity, or there is an option to buy something else which will substantially improve some area of your life, without putting you in financial debt.

So if you have been experiencing a battle of being content vs wanting more in any area of your life, then join me next week as I continue to investigate this point.
    

Day 200: Are you making Mother Earth angry? Natures power will Trump you.

Its a statement that has helped me through the years in assisting myself to look after life to the best of my ability. Is what I'm doing pissing of this planet? is my conduct causing me to be a literal physical pain to planet Earth? I don't want to make her too angry, because i know what will happen when enough humans do that in unity - she will unleash her wrath in a way never seen before to silence the noise and harm of the humans.

Every being in this world needs to start getting used to asking themselves this question in day to day living - if today is my last day to be alive, will I be able to say to this planet that I did everything I could to make a better world and I am proud of my life? Or will I be saying that I didn't give a shit about this planet as long as I was happy in my selfish bubble of comfort? Are you proud of your life? Or are you ashamed? You know the truth when you are honest with yourself.

The minds of humans often struggle to deal with the fact that the physical is in control here, not the human mind - the pre-programmed minds of humans is based on energy and is finite - the physical is eternally here. Yet isn't it amazing that the pre-programmed human mind is so full of its own shit to not even see how much more powerful the physical is?

I would say next time you accidentally kick the corner of a door with your pinky toe - pay attention to how much such a minor physical bump hurt you, when mentally you probably couldn't even imagine that hurting you.

Do you know humans that have a problem thinking they are more important then others, more important and apparently more powerful then this planet? I do, and I tend to not get on well with people that think like that.

Its interesting that some of the worst beings on this planet, through self-dishonesty many of them believe they are not ashamed of the things they have done, that they are "above" shame and regret. In reality though when an abusive being is shown directly the harm they have incurred on others, then the crow like ghost rider effect of mother earth, will bring any being to their knees in shame of their deplorable actions that have harmed life - watch the film Powder at the scene where he transfers the pain of the shot deer into the human to understand this point, because if you could feel the pain you incur on others, would you still be harming people?  

Now anyone that I consider a true friend already asks themselves the question "am I making mother Earth angry?" automatically everyday, and takes step to maximise their support of life unconditionally each and every day -

But for anyone out there that is struggling to give a fuck about taking care of this planet everyday, don't worry, I understand where your head is at, I have been there before and its never too late to apologise to life and this planet through your words and your deeds.

So for all you abusers out there, that have yet to stand up for life, its time to stop playing games, so here is some support for you - in any moments where you think you are more important and more powerful then this planet, say for instance you consistently throw non degradable rubbish on the floor, or maybe your thinking of harming some people all the time -
In these moments I want you to start imagine a lightning storm/hurricane/tidalwave/volcanic earthquake the likes of which you have never seen before, a "super storm" if you will, happening at once destroying everything you've ever loved.

Even the worst of people have people and things that they favour and wouldn't want to see harmed, so in these moments where your thinking of hurting life, I want you to get used to thinking the opposite way, realising that every time you think and then act to abuse life, you take your loved ones and the human species one step closer to a human extinction planetary storm, because you have to get used to understanding the fact that this decision to abuse, is directly building towards the consequence of the end of human existence.

You don't really want that, nobody really wants that, nobody wants to see the true terror of Terra, so then take a deep breathe, check yourself remove the nasty thoughts to destroy and keep breathing until those thoughts are cleared out of your mind no matter how many times they come up.

Maybe you don't think the planet has such a power to challenge the "almighty pyramid", maybe you think that you are more powerful then the planet, I certainly know people that do, fools that will likely not realise the consequence of their actions until its too late, and they take their last breathe, but I assure you there is no power on this planet that can trump the power of the planet itself - never forget that, respect that and start taking care of the real boss here - Life.

Day 199: Why am I jealous when they talk to someone else? Part 2

So yes Jealousy, this is a not very cool experience which we are all familiar with, I've noticed a pattern with past partners of having moments of this experience repeating itself through the years. Really what I've noticed every time is that in the moments when I am jealous that the person I like and spend a lot of time with is around someone else of the opposite sex, I either do one of two things -

I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and then pretend to my self that I'm not experiencing this jealousy, and I suppress my reactions, saying nothing about it, but rather just "stewing inside". where there's a mental battle going on in my head that I keep to myself, of  thoughts like - "is she doing that? am i annoyed? no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm really not" then accepting that "I am apparently not" experiencing jealousy in self-dishonesty as the ego, when really I am.

I kid myself that this is effective and that I'm "dealing with it" but suppression never is truly dealing with anything. Then my behaviour towards the person will slowly become more silent, more direct in speech and colder in my general interaction, then if the person "gives me more reason" to experience jealousy, well then I usually just block that person from my life.

Or I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and I tell her about it immediately, complete honesty immediately, but that will usually result in a slowly escalating discussion based in sarcasm with every word, leading into an argument.
My voice gets louder and more direct in speech like daggers, as I try to enforce how "unfair this experience is" that I'm having, and blaming her that "your responsible for this experience" I'm having now.

I mean yeah its always best to bring up any reactions/experiences with your partner as and when they do, but if its going to be from an emotional starting point then that doesn't make sense, because only the inevitable will happen -

Because its interesting that the two ways I've been responding to jealousy experiences in my life thus far has not been effective, I mean seriously - the two routes I highlighted above only end up with me verbally and mentally hurting someone, and the relationship ending sourly. Also because I'm an intelligent and direct being, my ability to fuck someone up mentally is very effective when I'm caught up in some jealousy/annoyance experience.

From the moment of the first point of jealousy I experience towards this person I like that spends time with someone else, my mind begins to trace though all the memories of past partners/encounters, and i use this information to project into the future of what I believe will happen, which is a breakdown of the relationship.

I can see though how this future projection that i accept to be real, then begins to manifest through me physically accepting the relationship to slowly die, not because it actually has to be this way, but just because I was not able to remove this projection and just accept a repetition of the motions so to speak.

I can see that whenever I have had relationships with people in the past, once a connection is made, I become attached very quickly, so it is often based on a neediness experience, which fuels into and works in tandem with this jealousy experience.

I can see that because I have carried an insecurity about myself in my life, believing that I am not a desirable person to have a relationship with, and thus I am always expecting the person to want to walk away from me, so because of feeding into that, i try to cling hard on a person a like, which can be overwhelming.

I can also see that because I have had a lot of sordid onetime sexual encounters, and relationships based on sex, that I believe that once I meet someone that I like spending time with, that whenever they are not around me and I know they are around another male, I automatically assume that they are fucking or working towards some arrangement of fucking, with often 0% evidence of anything I'm assuming.

So there's been a lot of mental dysfunction here, so I'm in a process of learning now, that its best to write, self-forgive, and commit to breathing immediately in these moments so that I'm clear when discussing the point of jealousy with the person i like and generally moving forward in the relationship.

I have realised that whenever I am feeding into uncertainty in  my mind about a relationship with any being to any capacity, that that uncertainty will then manifest into an unstable relationship which does not benefit anyone.

So to me it is clear that I have to remove all the energy from this jealousy experience, deprive it of oxygen so to  speak, until through repeating a new script for myself enough times, i will have stabilised myself nicely within that point, transcending the reactions and pre-programming associated with those reactions.

So lets walk -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy when my partner spends time with another male, regardless of if that interaction is sexual or not. I realise that this experience is destructive and has been occurring in a pattern for many previous relationships with women, which is propelled by my insecurity and lack of trust for human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have gone and defined myself according to this jealousy experience, by repeating my participation with pre-programmed thoughts, which has affected my behaviour in relationships with people of the opposite sex in many ways, mainly resulting in an unstable and eventually broken down relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly pretend that I am not offended when I am experiencing this jealousy in Self-Dishonesty and dishonesty, where I also bullshit myself and everyone around me that "I'm fine, I don't mind" when in reality in annoyed -

 I realise that this self-dishonesty inevitably leads to me suppressing my jealousy reactions, but this suppression ends up with my behaviour becoming more erratic towards that person, where I will become more distant and less responsive to interacting with them, which then annoys that person, and then as soon as I experience any jealousy/annoyance or any negative emotion towards that person again, I will block them and not speak to them again.


So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my jealousy experience from my partner and I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that when I start becoming unresponsive, and cold towards a person that I liked/considered my partner, it is usually because of a suppression of a jealousy experience, where I thought to myself in the moment "I will get you back for making me feel this jealousy", and then I will suppress, pretend I didn't think that, and it will come out in behaviour like becoming more separate and volatile towards that person- fucked up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm ok" to my partner when she asks in dishonetsy, and to tell myself "I'm ok" in self-dishonesty, but in reality I'm "stewing inside" about reacting to her spending some time with another guy, having all kinds of mental ping-pong conversations about - "is she cheating on me? can i trust her? and I'm stupid for thinking these things about her, of course shes fine, no shes not, yes she is". Then these thoughts become charged and boom shit eventually hits the fan.

I realise that this experience is incredibly taxing,and I have found that once I breathe, remove the enegry, slow down and look at what is happening in my mind I can see how uncool it is to carry this kind of shit in my mind, and what the inevitable outcome will be of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as jealousy when the person I like is spending time with someone else, and then "confront them in honesty" about it straight away while caught up in the experience. I realise that this is not effective, because I end up just escalating from jealous/annoyance filled words of sarcasm, blaming this person for my experience, leading into both of us being offended, an argument ensuing, no effective communication expressed, and a weakening of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that I am pre-programmed like everyone to trust honesty, to believe that coming out and saying the truth straight away about my experience is always the best thing to do in a relationship with a person. But in reality, our true thoughts are nasty, and telling the truth to people while caught up in emotionally charged thoughts about them is a bad idea because you are guaranteed to offend the other person.

I realise that before I speak about anything, I must always be myself here breathing, where I am calmly able to discuss the point with clarity, understanding and common sense without any energy involved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of the other person, and realise how complex, cold and insulting i can be towards someone when i am offended and caught up in this jealousy experience. I realise that when someone talks to me with disdain, unnecessary complexity, and general harshness, I do not want to hear that person speak anymore, so it makes no sense that I would do that to someone I care about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories, intertwined with this new jealousy experience to project into the future about the relationship "inevitably failing" which i then physically make manifest in my interactions and daily participation.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to try and hold onto a person I meet that I like a lot, from a  kind of needy starting point, where in my mind once an initial connection is made, I feel almost as though i own the person and thus their movements, which then leads me to become very jealous when they choose to spend any length of time with a different male.

I forgive myself that I've not realised  in all moments that relationships which are best for all, have nothing to do with ownership, because they are unconditional in the support that is provided to each person, so if we are together excellent, if we spend some time apart now and then with other people excellent, that is healthy for any people that like each other, spending too much time with one person  can result in a needy possessiveness increasing, so as I am realising two partners spending some time apart is crucial to develop real trust of a person and in any type of partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure about my validity as a long term partner to the opposite sex, I realise that this is a big part of this jealousy experience as I define this person I like, as the "light of my life" where I desperately try to cling onto most of their time or as much as possible, and when they spend time with someone else, I  react as this avalanche of pointless jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume that because I have had one time sexual encounters/secret/affairs in the past, that when I meet someone I like and want to spend most of my time with, and they then go and spend time around someone else, then they must surely be fucking or building towards fucking with that other person, and usually this assumption is made without any evidence of what I'm assuming, but just being based on a "feeling".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what someone is doing to any capacity on a feeling which is not in anyway the same as basing something on physical fact here.

Madness.

I commit myself to not allowing this jealousy experience to dictate how I will live my life and interact with others, i am responsible for how i exist in every moment, so as and when i see myself having jealousy based thoughts in my mind, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts, as i know the cycle that will happen if I do, so I continue to breathe until there is no more jealousy based thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to making sure that whenever I want to discuss something I am reacting to about any person I am in any kind of relationship with, that I must be clear as breathe, where I can apply commons sense real time to the words I'm saying without this jealousy experience taking over - so as and when i see my mind getting caught in jealousy based thoughts, stop and breathe, I make sure that I before I consider discussing my reactions with the person I like/partner, that I am here as myself as breathe where reason can always be worked out.

I commit myself to not seeking and walking into relationships unless I am clear in starting point, and where there are shortcomings in my character that could potentially damage the relationship like this jealousy experience, I commit myself to walking in self-honesty here as breathe, where I will not allow these issues to decide who I will be within this relationship, so as and when I see my mind seeking and getting attached to a certain person, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate with any attachment and possessive based thoughts, I make sure I am clear as breathe no matter how many times this comes up when I am around this person.

I commit myself to living the realisation that i am only able to have more effective relationships in life, if I am able to transcend any shortcomings in my character which we all have, and this jealousy experience is a shortcoming that I take self-responsibility to end in my life.


      






        

Day 198: Why am I jealous when they talk to someone else?

So if you have a partner, or a friend that your sexually attracted to, someone that you spend a lot of time with, then undoubtedly at some point you will have experienced Jealousy when you see that person speaking to someone of the opposite sex.

It doesn't have to be sexual in the slightest way, it could just be seeing that person smile during a normal conversation with someone else of the opposite sex. It could be when your watching a film with your partner and they keep saying things about what the lead character needs to do. It could be that they share a similar interest with a friend that you do not, I mean the list of moments where jealousy creep up between people is pretty massive.

So recently I experienced this when my girlfriend went on a university trip to London. Now I've been to London so many times in my life, due to work and family/friends there, but for her it is very new and she has only been there once before. Now I'm not the biggest fan of city living, which factors into my reactions here, as I much prefer being closer to nature in the place where I live day to day.

Now when she told me about this trip, she said that she has friends in London that she wants to see again, and noticed that when she was saying that one friend was a female that she would be staying with there was no reaction - but when she said one friend was a male I reacted, and immediate jealous thoughts started coming into my mind.

I didn't hide this jealousy, I started asking about him, like how she met him, and how long they've known each other etc. She could tell I was jealous about it, and began reassuring me that she hasn't known him long and that I have nothing to be worried about.

Its fascinating how when we have a partner, or a friend that we like, we start thinking in the early days that we kind of "own them" in someway like a property, and that they must not even speak to people of the opposite sex lol. Its ridiculous, its like a paranoid thinking that they are having sex with their opposite sex friends just because they are meeting them.

I have female friends, and she has male friends, its just something that has to be accepted about people in life, so why would I be jealous about anything when there isn't even any sexual connotations involved here other then my mind is fabricating?

This was while I was driving to a restaurant with her, then there was some moments of silence, where I was thinking things but not saying them, and when we got to the restaurant, I was just agitated for the whole meal. I was complaining because the waitress didn't get me my drink until about 10 minutes after I ordered it, I was complaining because it was a Thai restaurant, yet I couldn't see any chopsticks on the tables, or even one person of Asian decent in a packed restaurant, as well as being slightly despondent with my partner.

Anyway this situation showed me that participating in jealousy does not have any beneficial impacts for any relationship to any capacity, if not dealt with effectively jealousy can be a destroyer of relationships. So I  wanted to write about this because it has come up this past week in my life, and she is coming back tonight, so I want to prepare myself in case there is any thoughts that come up so I can make sure I remain stable.

Trust is something which takes me a longtime to build up with anyone, even family members, because in my world I do not trust anybody until I know for certain through years of experience that I can actually trust this person with my life. But while that makes sense, and assists with strengthening real bonds and real trust, the experience of Jealousy does not make any sense at all to participate with and feed into.

 So If you have had some Jealousy issues come up in your life recently, then join me in my next blog as I continue to walk this point.

Day 197: What if i lose all my money? The Fear of Loss part 2

So continuing from my last blog, I'm looking at how the fear of losing money has affected me, and how i am taking steps to stop these fears -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing all my money. I realise that losing my money physically, just like losing my life physically is not something I can control - I can take steps to reduce financial loses and losing my life, but within a system of capitalism that takes from and destroys life, none of us no when anything could be taken away from us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in moments where business is slow, to have pulsating thoughts about losing money and the fears of financially evaporating.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that I cannot change when or if I lose my money or my life, so I must walk this realisation, as breathe in self-honesty, so that I do not exist in separation as fear, but remain silent here stable as myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every breathe, that when I get these money fears, particularly on days where more money goes out then comes in, that the fact that I actually get goosebumps come up on my sin really is showing me that the point is ingrained deep through my sub-conscious into my unconscious.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure at being self-employed, which will then force me to gain employment from someone else - but within this I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot get employment because I have tried since I lost my last job.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the reason I wasn't getting hired, was because of resonant points that I wasn't dealing with regarding former employers, which were being picked up on by interviewers in some cases, as well as my name being connected to controversy in general which can cause uncertainty for employers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot gain employment from a company - this belief was proven incorrect just this past week, when I was offered a job by a company.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise, that there are consequences from participating with fears of losing money, this consequences can vary and bleed into all areas of our life, and ultimately a cycle of strengthening the fears happens whenever I participate with the fears -
It becomes more of me, as me the more I participate, and I realise that if I do not take action now, then my fears of losing money will become more normalised/pronounced within and as me, which is separation which I am not willing ti accept for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I lose all my money, I will end up on the streets -  I realise that these victim based thoughts do not assist me in my life to any capacity, they only push to give up on myself, which does not assist me to live whats best for all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to fear losing all my money, so when and as I see my mind having thoughts like this, I stop and breathe, I realise what is happening in my mind, I realise that participating with these thoughts is going to only cause a continuing cycle of consequences that will only keep me in a state of separation, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the realisation that if I ever find myself homeless or jobless, I stand, I breathe, I walk, and will not allow my mind to tell me who I should be or how I should experience myself.




   

Day 196: What if i lose all my money? The Fear of Loss

So if you have never had these thoughts before, then i suggest that you look closer at your thoughts in self-honesty. Because in reality we have all had fears of losing something in our life, and as we grow into teenage years-adulthood- and 40+ maturity, those fears becoming increasingly financial based.

Everyone from the poorest of people, to the richest households in the world fear to lose money. When we are wealthy, then while we will enjoy luxury everyday, we also experience moments of fearing losing the ability to have this daily luxury in our life - if you cannot see that, then look closer at the activities of people like David Rockefeller, Queen Elizabeth, George Bush Snr etc - they all interact in activities that show they fear losing their money and their life.

Then for middle class people with stable 9-5 jobs, we are content with what luxuries we have, while having to be a wage slave to acquire these luxuries. We battle with our work colleagues to smash all competition and get the next promotion before someone else, while fearing that if we do not battle with our work colleagues to get more money, then our ability to have money will cease to exist and we will lose our job/stable content life.

Then for low class people, as we are unemployed, and as we get less money in our lives, as everything we own falls away from us, then the more our thoughts transform to fearing that we will lose the last thing we own being our lives.

As a self-employed person in this system currently, i find that an amalgamation of wealthy/middle class/low class fears intertwine in my mind daily. Because i have savings and many luxury items that enable me to work for myself, yet at the same time, when you are self-employed money is sporadic and not as consistent as employed stable work, so on slow days for business, where outgoing money is higher then incoming money, the fears become more pronounced.

It will be like this chill that comes across me in my mind, where a cascade of thoughts come about fearing losing the money i have -  i mean if i have more days where more money goes out then come in, then my money will continue to go down, and then at some point i will have to get employment from a company again.

But what if i cannot get employed? Because i have tried in recent times unsuccessfully due to my skilled experience, but fractured past relations with company owners, as well as my online name notoriety, which tends to scare employers.

What if i lose all my money and end up on the street? Victim based thoughts - please don't make me homeless, because i will give up on myself.

Well in the words of a great friend that reminded me of this recently, this kind of statement makes more sense - "if I ever find myself homeless or jobless, I stand, I breathe, I walk, and will not allow my mind to tell me who I should be or how I should experience myself".

I mean who know when we could lose money, but ultimately i am not willing to let my money/money fears/fear of loss affect how i interact in the world - i will not allow my pre-programmed mind to tell me how to live my life.

So join me in my next blog, as i walk to remove this pattern of unnecessary fear based thoughts from my mind.

Day 195: As long as there is Movement there is Improvement

In the best of times and the worst of times, I have found this statement has supported me within improving myself as a human being -  for instance just recently I have learnt how to create websites, and increased my understanding of how the internet is structured, and this statement that has supported me to do so.

Through this statement "As long as there is movement there is improvement" have also realised through the years that making improvements in my life in any capacity, does not have to be giant leaps. I mean if we can make giant leaps of improvements practically in our life then great, but big or small improvements matters not, only the fact that there is improvement.

I mean yes there can be aimless movements, of course we will make mistakes in our movements sometimes, especially is we go to fast - but as long as there is movement, then you will empower yourself to be able to find out what areas of your life are aimless and for what reason.

But without movement then nothing is possible to be improved upon, because the more grounded within moving we become, and the less daydreaming we do throughout our day, then the more effective our interactions in this world will be.

Can you think of moments in your life when you were so happy about something, and because you were on such a high with positive feelings, that you didn't want to have to come back to reality to get your hands dirty and put in labour to improve something?

If you cant think of one, then just think about your birthday, because birthdays are when majority of people have a blast of positive energy as money/love energy. Notice how in these moments we try to stay in our positive feeling bubble and try to avoid any beneficial work.

Then think about times in your life when everything just seemed to be falling apart, and you are trapped in a negative blackhole of emotions in your mind. Notice again just like with the positive highs, that when we are trapped within the negative lows, we will do anything to avoid participating in anything.

The point I am making is that in the best and worst of times in our mind, ultimately the mind will always try to avoid working, to avoid improving things, but rather just entertain itself within a never ending spiral of self-interested thoughts.

Within committing to and walking this one statement "As long as there is movement there is
improvement", I have found that I have been able to empower myself through the years to not allow the high or low points to affect my ability to learn new information, and then how to apply that new information physically here.

This way I learn to not get stuck for too long within high or low points in my mind or my daily interactions, because I move myself to get to the root of why I am so happy or sad in my mind at that moment, or why is this point in my daily interaction not working well?

Without movement it is impossible to learn anything about ourself or the world around us, and thus impossible to get to any beneficial solutions for either - so whatever is holding you back in your mind and your interactions from improving something, you may find that the statement "As long as there is movement there is improvement" will assist you as it has assisted me.

  

Day 194: Family Dynamics Part 3

Continuing -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and frustration about my father and grandmother never being involved in my life. I realise that I have held onto resentment towards them both which has had the consequence of separation within and as myself in relation to the word family -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto resentment towards my father and grandmother for most of my life, I realise that this resentment is not supporting me in living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the coldness I can show people, in terms of cutting people out of my life, is a form of imitation of my father and grandmother, where I have built a belief that the best of friends, close friends and family members are supposed to walk away when they are annoyed with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe for years that something is wrong with me, which in my mind has always been a part of why my father and grandmother never were around me - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strange, and therefore this is what i use as a reason why I should stay away from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the definition I have created of myself, as a justification to remove people from my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people close to me will leave me at some point, especially when they find out about my family, so just beat them to the punch and block them out of my life first. I realise that this "lone wolf" character is prominent within all this, and so I require to take self-responsibility and stop allowing points of pre-programming in relation to family to keep me in instability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my family, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my family and then trying to pretend that I am not ashamed of my family in complete self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to start a new family, because of never dealing with my reactions to the word Family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save money for years with the intention of starting a new family - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear not having money to start a new family.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that trying to make connections with people for my selfish intentions of having "my new family", yet at the same time pushing people away is a pretty fucked up dichotomy to have within myself, so I must do all I can to change these issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have attention from others, to be adored by someone, but then as soon as they react to something about me or my family, then I immediately react, and tell that person to fuck off -  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that react to me or my family, I realise that I cannot control the reactions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto bad memories of past relationships, as another reason to push people away from me, as soon as something even very slightly resembles a memory I have with a new person i meet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to jump from partner to partner trying to find this "perfect storm" which i realise does not exist in reality, so rather then letting the pre-program keep running endlessly, I must align this point, I must make sure that I develop communication with a person based on common sense, that I make a concerted effort with people based in physical interaction/feedback rather then pre-programming, so that I can see clearly what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more layers of bullshit to the word Family, in relation to my son - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my sons mother for attempting to stop me from seeing my son - I realise that this resentment experience will not assist me in my life, so i must stop cycling this resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience immense burning anger whenever I think about people teaching my son bullshit when im not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy of the fact that my sons mother has started a new family, and continually keeps me out of that family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to her definition of me as being "an evil thing that cant be allowed in the good family" to be real - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what she thinks about me to be reality and then compound my own experience of shame and self-loathing-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound my own experiences of shame regarding family and myself, through believing what others believe and define me to be is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience continual sadness/heaviness within knowing that the only way i can see my son is if i go through a long drawn out legal process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a nonchalance about seeing my son, because of knowing that i have spent so much more quality time with my son then what my father did with me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself since the birth of my son to be competing with my father in my mind for "best dad award" where in my mind there is an ongoing backchat "talking to my dad" trying to "teach my dad" how to be a good father, which again is completely unnecessary separation - I realise that i must make actions as a father based on what is best for all life, which does not include having a constant mental warfare with my father in thought about being a good dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let family related pre-programming affect my work life, whereby every employer I play a game with mentally -

I join the company, do well at the job, then once I make the company a lot of money, I start quickly expecting "family benefits" meaning making my own rules, demanding better pay for staff, I compete with the bosses, I start using my family as an excuse to not come into work on some days - there has genuinely been many days that my mother or grandfather have been ill, and so ive taken a day off to support them, but there has been equally as many days that i have taken off through using my family issues to create a lie and use it as an excuse to not come into work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect "family benefits" from an employer just because ive made the company a lot of money, i realise that this concept does not align with the "system game" of employment, which demands total obedience/subservience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring my home situation into the office - meaning that because i am genuinely the financial head of my family, i expect to have my word respected and listened to by my employers, just like in my family at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for years to define myself as my own boss/father -  I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with ex bosses because of them not treating their staff as family.

Family - Fam-I-Lie, existing in separation from my family, lying to myself regarding my experience to the word Family - existing in dishonesty.

Redefinition - Fam -I -Life

I commit myself to living the realisation, that the word Family, just like any other word, is not separately exclusive to one dimension in my life - meaning any separation i allow within me in relation to a word will bleed into all areas of my life no matter what i do.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to carrying unnecessary shit in relation to the word family - I realise that the living of a word must be equal and one as life here, a physical singular definition based in reality, not in multiple strands of pre-programming - so as and when I see my mind is reeling off thoughts about my family, or something in relation to the word Family, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts as I realise I will only cycle endlessly if i allow participation, so I breathe and continue to do so until there are no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to investigating and getting to the core of any points that i have not covered/or missed here, or anything that i have not yet considered/ new points that come up that come up in relation to family - so as and when i see my mind trying to avoid getting into the nitty gritty of any family issues, i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to interact with the thoughts, because i know that will only result in no revelation, no investigation, no correction, and instead a compounding of the issue which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the realisation that the word Family redefined to me is Fam - I - Life, meaning family regardless of blood/genes is a group that i walk with for a lifetime, a fam of life where we all work together to improve each other in any way possible as an unconditional caring of another - Family.