So i have had my son living with me my mum and my animals for the past 2 days, and everytime i get to spend time with him, i enjoy it extensively.
But i just want to share a bit about some reactions and bad feelings that i still carry in relation to my sons mother. So its like fascinating because me and my sons mother are not in a relationship or agreement, but we have to agree on certain points, in order for our parenting of Malachi to be effective.
So we have alot of differences in our personalities, such as - she beliefs and prays to a god daily, and i do not obviously. She is happy to attempt to lie and manipulate me for sex, extra money or a favour. She enjoys fashion and spending alot of money on designer clothes, and i do not. She totally disagrees with people shaving their heads, and i enjoy this obviously. She listens to predominantly mainstream hip hop/rnb music, while i enjoy most genres of music. She only cooks carribean style food, while i like to try all kinds of foods etc etc. I mean i could go on and on, because the differences are massive, but we are both human, and so this is not a rant blaming her for everything, but this is just the facts that exist.
And although i am much more stable around here now then when i first started my process, where i would just spitefully knit pick everything she did. I still find certain points where i will go into competition, judgements and energetic mind battles within our agreement to support Malachi effectively.
Now i dont react often to people who do not apply practical common sense maths in day to day living, but i do react to her occassionally, and me caring for my sons wellbeing is the justification with which i use as to why i will react emotionally to her on a point. For example she doesnt understand how to empty or change a hoover bag on a hoover, so that it picks up dirt faster, and also she prefers to mop her floor before hoovering it, which doenst make sense at all, because most people hoover beore mopping. But what a pointless point though to allow to exist, i mean its none of my concern, so why am i allowing this to make me react.
So the main points i can still see myself recating to in relation to my sons mother is - She takes him to church every sunday, and encourages him to pray when he is only 1 and a half, i find this unacceptable and will state this to her when she tells me about it, then she will say she is not forcing religion on him, and i am still allowing this point to make me react, whenever it is discussed, where i react with complete disdain and confusion as to why she is enforcing religion upon our son, but at the same time says he should make his own mind up as he gets older.
Then i will sometimes go into points in relation to religion while i am in discussion with the mother, in an attempt to show her practically in black and white how this physical reality works, so she can expose the point for herself. A form of attempted seed planting, but when she refuses to listen during the discussion, i start getting offended, and react as my ego, in that im so pissed off that she wont listen to me, and then i start getting brutally sarcasstic in the disscussion, which only enforces her stance of not listening.
The whole polarity point starts playing out, where i will be percieving her "bad" in my mind, and from what she tells me she thinks the same of me, so we are both viewing eachother as deluded in our thoughts before the conversation has even begun, so that neither of us really listen to eachother, out of a lack of mutual respect. We both start playing into the battle of "i want to win this heated discussion no matter what" Its a simple freewill point here, where i must understand that no matter what i say to a person i cannot change there perception in a moment, i can only support them to support themselves to start walking a process exposing themselves in self honesty.
But wanting to get someone to submit and agree with me in an argument at all costs, is just my ego playing out abusing another as myself, but its interesting that although i used to do this with everybody, she is the only person i know currently, where i still go into a discussion with her purely to try and win the discussion and just enforce my word as more important, not actually to support the person as equals - unacceptable.
I mean this point should not be affecting me in such a way, because i can only work with what is here at any given moment, so all i can do is support my son to be able to support himself as he gets older in exposing all forms of separation within himself and the world.
Interesting though that while doing all her church studies and prayer reciteles, she failed to see the simple fact that her downstairs flat is getting mouldy and damp. I exposed this point today, when i brought my son back to his mum, and i wanted to investigate why Malachi is very often getting colds and throat cough problems. And i noticed before i came in, that the drainage pipe was cracked, and was just allowing water to spray onto the flat, also there was a blocked drain, inside the flat one of the rooms had mould growing on the window sealant, and in her room, the ceilings was bowing due to moisture.
You can litterally smell mould when you walk into the flat, and Malachis clothing very often smells damp and mouldy, yet she still managed to miss these factors for a longtime until i pointed that out, and showed these points to her practically. Just think its fascinating that she couldnt smell the mould in the flat, its like cool to expose this point, as it shows that religious people will deliberately get lost in thier minds entertaining themselves, while the physical is eating your flat away lol, and no amount of praying will correct it, only physical practical action will make a difference to anything in this world.
Also i have decided today to stop having sex with the mother of my son for good, as it is always a point of manipulation with no equal agreement as such, where she will only want sex if she is in control, in the positions that she likes, with a certain amount of energy. She just wants a repetitive specific energetic experience, there is no equality of self expression moving within and as the physical and working with eachother here.
Also she didnt tell me the last time that we had sex, which was about a month ago, that she was actually in a relationship with a guy at the same time. But she didnt tell me this until she got what she wanted obviously, which really is so unacceptable, where she is actually willing to lie and decieve her partner, just so she can have sex with me. If anyone else where to attempt this kind of thing to me, then i would immediately block them, and disengage all contact, however i cant do that with her, as i must keep things peaceful between us so i can arrange times and dates with her when i can take my son for a few days.
I can see when i look at the sex point in more detail, its like most of the time i dont really want to have sex with her, due to our differences, but i just give into fear that if i dont give her what she wants, then she will have a reason to want to try and leave the country or disapear or something, and then i wont see my son again, so thats the justification i hold as to why i give into fear of not having sex with her, which is just an assumption - unacceptable.
Also she has a tendency to buy him designer clothes when getting new items for him, while i find the idea of encouraging children to consume only the top designer names to be unacceptable. So occasionally i will start reacting to the fact she treats him like a barbie doll, but i mean i know its not important what we wear anyway, its about who we are within what we are wearing, so no need to start reacting about this.
My mother also came up with me today to drop off Malachi, and that was cool support, as she really assisted my sons mother to be able to see the facts all around her that the flat is damp.
Anyway this is not a case of going into blames about my sons mother, because i have been controlling my recations around her more effectivelly for about 8 months now, but there is some clear accumilated friction points existant here still, that i must release now, as they all steam from me, and that is best for all.
But i just want to share a bit about some reactions and bad feelings that i still carry in relation to my sons mother. So its like fascinating because me and my sons mother are not in a relationship or agreement, but we have to agree on certain points, in order for our parenting of Malachi to be effective.
So we have alot of differences in our personalities, such as - she beliefs and prays to a god daily, and i do not obviously. She is happy to attempt to lie and manipulate me for sex, extra money or a favour. She enjoys fashion and spending alot of money on designer clothes, and i do not. She totally disagrees with people shaving their heads, and i enjoy this obviously. She listens to predominantly mainstream hip hop/rnb music, while i enjoy most genres of music. She only cooks carribean style food, while i like to try all kinds of foods etc etc. I mean i could go on and on, because the differences are massive, but we are both human, and so this is not a rant blaming her for everything, but this is just the facts that exist.
And although i am much more stable around here now then when i first started my process, where i would just spitefully knit pick everything she did. I still find certain points where i will go into competition, judgements and energetic mind battles within our agreement to support Malachi effectively.
Now i dont react often to people who do not apply practical common sense maths in day to day living, but i do react to her occassionally, and me caring for my sons wellbeing is the justification with which i use as to why i will react emotionally to her on a point. For example she doesnt understand how to empty or change a hoover bag on a hoover, so that it picks up dirt faster, and also she prefers to mop her floor before hoovering it, which doenst make sense at all, because most people hoover beore mopping. But what a pointless point though to allow to exist, i mean its none of my concern, so why am i allowing this to make me react.
So the main points i can still see myself recating to in relation to my sons mother is - She takes him to church every sunday, and encourages him to pray when he is only 1 and a half, i find this unacceptable and will state this to her when she tells me about it, then she will say she is not forcing religion on him, and i am still allowing this point to make me react, whenever it is discussed, where i react with complete disdain and confusion as to why she is enforcing religion upon our son, but at the same time says he should make his own mind up as he gets older.
Then i will sometimes go into points in relation to religion while i am in discussion with the mother, in an attempt to show her practically in black and white how this physical reality works, so she can expose the point for herself. A form of attempted seed planting, but when she refuses to listen during the discussion, i start getting offended, and react as my ego, in that im so pissed off that she wont listen to me, and then i start getting brutally sarcasstic in the disscussion, which only enforces her stance of not listening.
The whole polarity point starts playing out, where i will be percieving her "bad" in my mind, and from what she tells me she thinks the same of me, so we are both viewing eachother as deluded in our thoughts before the conversation has even begun, so that neither of us really listen to eachother, out of a lack of mutual respect. We both start playing into the battle of "i want to win this heated discussion no matter what" Its a simple freewill point here, where i must understand that no matter what i say to a person i cannot change there perception in a moment, i can only support them to support themselves to start walking a process exposing themselves in self honesty.
But wanting to get someone to submit and agree with me in an argument at all costs, is just my ego playing out abusing another as myself, but its interesting that although i used to do this with everybody, she is the only person i know currently, where i still go into a discussion with her purely to try and win the discussion and just enforce my word as more important, not actually to support the person as equals - unacceptable.
I mean this point should not be affecting me in such a way, because i can only work with what is here at any given moment, so all i can do is support my son to be able to support himself as he gets older in exposing all forms of separation within himself and the world.
Interesting though that while doing all her church studies and prayer reciteles, she failed to see the simple fact that her downstairs flat is getting mouldy and damp. I exposed this point today, when i brought my son back to his mum, and i wanted to investigate why Malachi is very often getting colds and throat cough problems. And i noticed before i came in, that the drainage pipe was cracked, and was just allowing water to spray onto the flat, also there was a blocked drain, inside the flat one of the rooms had mould growing on the window sealant, and in her room, the ceilings was bowing due to moisture.
You can litterally smell mould when you walk into the flat, and Malachis clothing very often smells damp and mouldy, yet she still managed to miss these factors for a longtime until i pointed that out, and showed these points to her practically. Just think its fascinating that she couldnt smell the mould in the flat, its like cool to expose this point, as it shows that religious people will deliberately get lost in thier minds entertaining themselves, while the physical is eating your flat away lol, and no amount of praying will correct it, only physical practical action will make a difference to anything in this world.
Also i have decided today to stop having sex with the mother of my son for good, as it is always a point of manipulation with no equal agreement as such, where she will only want sex if she is in control, in the positions that she likes, with a certain amount of energy. She just wants a repetitive specific energetic experience, there is no equality of self expression moving within and as the physical and working with eachother here.
Also she didnt tell me the last time that we had sex, which was about a month ago, that she was actually in a relationship with a guy at the same time. But she didnt tell me this until she got what she wanted obviously, which really is so unacceptable, where she is actually willing to lie and decieve her partner, just so she can have sex with me. If anyone else where to attempt this kind of thing to me, then i would immediately block them, and disengage all contact, however i cant do that with her, as i must keep things peaceful between us so i can arrange times and dates with her when i can take my son for a few days.
I can see when i look at the sex point in more detail, its like most of the time i dont really want to have sex with her, due to our differences, but i just give into fear that if i dont give her what she wants, then she will have a reason to want to try and leave the country or disapear or something, and then i wont see my son again, so thats the justification i hold as to why i give into fear of not having sex with her, which is just an assumption - unacceptable.
Also she has a tendency to buy him designer clothes when getting new items for him, while i find the idea of encouraging children to consume only the top designer names to be unacceptable. So occasionally i will start reacting to the fact she treats him like a barbie doll, but i mean i know its not important what we wear anyway, its about who we are within what we are wearing, so no need to start reacting about this.
My mother also came up with me today to drop off Malachi, and that was cool support, as she really assisted my sons mother to be able to see the facts all around her that the flat is damp.
Anyway this is not a case of going into blames about my sons mother, because i have been controlling my recations around her more effectivelly for about 8 months now, but there is some clear accumilated friction points existant here still, that i must release now, as they all steam from me, and that is best for all.
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