Day 398: Disregarding the small things

Interesting how the mind always focuses and reacts to all the points we define as the "big important" things, yet when it comes to what we define as "small issues" we ignore, disregard and don't see the point in "wasting our time" with small things. Its actually pretty fucked up and explains why so much chaos exists when humanity is busy with its own selfish "big things" to deal with.

Since I first started walking my process, I have developed an advanced understanding/realization and a living of the reality that all life matters, no matter how small - and that no matter how small the issue may seem to my pre-programmed mind, I pay attention to the small shifts my mind makes throughout the days.

It's that location of the origin of my own brainwashing, everything is in reverse so as an example while everyone can acknowledge that Cancer is a serious medical issue, the Cancer itself is the large consequential outflow of what started as one tiny cancer cell in the body, but was ignored or not located in time before the large consequence came through. Or a single small rain drop in a pond makes big ripples, same principle.

We are pre-programmed to want the big money, the best sex, the biggest houses, just the biggest and best of everything, which explains how so many animals, plants and humans suffer in silence everyday, because they are considered small/far away points.

I still catch my mind trying to avoid/ignore/disregard the small from time to time, which really highlights how much this fascination with size is so deeply written into me. For example when I loaded up my TT the other day, I went to work on one of my custom word lists which was a very large complex crypto word list.

But just before loading up TT I was reading some quotes from the Hagakure and one from Master Ittei stood out to me "Matters of great concern should be treated lightly, matters of small concern should be treated seriously".

Then halfway through my complex crypto word list, I stopped and started laughing at myself, because i could see how the quote from Master Ittei has often been manifesting when I use my TechnoTutor as a pattern, where I have this back chat come up of "well I know all the early level 1,2,3 word lists, I should mainly focus on my complex custom word lists"

So as a result I spend a lot of time on custom word lists which is cool, but I often disregard the seemingly "small" early word lists which is not cool because even the most complex amazing house, house strong foundations. 

So too we must have a solid foundation of our living of words, this means that all our early vocabulary that has been fucked up with emotional polarities through the years, is actually the most important to be clear on.

I could see my mind trying to avoid going back over the basic word lists, with thoughts coming up like "I'm so above these lower lists" - again I laughed, then I took a deep breathe and moved myself to go back right to the beginning of going back through the alphabet that is so seemingly "small" and that I apparently "know so well". What did I find? The same thing I usually find when I do not disregard the small - profound insights.

The letter G as an example, what does it mean to you? The schooling system we were brought up in taught us that the letter G is simply the 7th letter of the roman alphabet and many kids do not even understand that our alphabet is roman.

But when you explore the letter G further you will find so many other fascinating definitions such as - a unit of information equal to 1000 megabytes in computer programming, one of the four nucleotides used in building DNA, relating to a unit of force equal to the force exerted by gravity or G-force, the cardinal number  that is the product of 10 and 100 - also in the Esoteric realms of Freemasonry, you may notice the classic square and compass with a letter G in the middle, which stands for Freemasons viewing the universe as being a result of the noblest of sciences, the Geometry of God so to speak.

Can you see how so much meaning comes from this apparently one "insignificant" letter? Can you see how when someone is able to live all dimensions of a letter/word that stability, consistency and opportunity is more likely to emerge? When I am clear on the definition of a letter/word, then I am more effective in defining and living the word according to whats best for all.

I remember when I was a child playing with Marbles and I would always value the larger marbles and when my grandfather first explained the planets in the solar system to me around the same time, I found the planets bigger then Earth like Jupiter and Saturn to be "more interesting" based on their size.

Now I walk this self-forgiveness to ensure this pattern is not maintained - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any moment disregard consideration of something my mind defines as small, without realizing that when I disregard the small things then those small things can accumulate into big problems as we see with something like cancer. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some things as having more importance then others based on how big it is, or how big my mind defines it, which is an illusion of the mind and thus not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is through the accumulation of 1+1+1 , focus on the small points joining forces, eventually becomes big change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every here breathe that we are all pre-programmed to value size and large amounts of energy so much, without considering that the reason so many people suffer in the world is due to so many humans only looking for the biggest energy in self-interest without any care of whats best for all life such as animals, plants and our fellow man.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that everything is in reverse, so actually it is paying attention to all things large or small that is best foe all and I see how big issues rarely happen in one go, it is usually a seemingly small issue which develops into a large chaotic one through ignorance to the small issue which is unacceptable. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bigger and more complex the word list then the "better for me" it is creating a polarity that does not support me to live whats best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the bigger the vehicle is then the better it is, when this is not true all cars are cars.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be physically bigger, to have a bigger house, to have more money etc in complete separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been holding onto memories as a child of Marbles and Planets with my grandfather, where I thought the best Marbles/Planets were the biggest ones - so I see how holding onto these memories does not support me in living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is only through paying attention to the small details, that creates a huge masterpiece in the end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when it comes to vocabulary, my mind has an idea of itself as being intellectual and thus gravitates to complex words/subjects etc, but often will disregard the seemingly small things that I "obviously know" but when I went through the G meanings it was clear I do not have direct memory access to all the definitions of G.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every here breathe that walking is always needed before running which is the case for all things - the basics must be mastered first before anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify reacting to things that "seem big" when in reality stability as this breath is needed with all things large or small, so there is never a justification to react that exists, yet if we focus on aligning the small things to whats best, then the big things will follow suit. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that all forms of abuse, started as just one "small thought" which then because of not being dealt with accumulated into a big problem later.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react negatively towards anything my mind defines as "trivial" so as and when thoughts come up, I stop and breathe and continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that exist.

I commit myself to living the realization that big or small things I must be stable, and it is through attention to the small points that the biggest beneficial impacts are made in my mind/beingness/living and in the world as a whole.

Day 397: Surely they will react

Fascinating isn't it when you're looking for/expecting negative reactions from someone towards you and then when you interact with that person you see they are not reacting the way you assumed. Then within these moments when I slow down as breath and am self-honest I realise it is often me that is reacting all along but projecting onto others. When I assume I am actually making an Ass out of you and Me.

I know how I speak, I speak with directness and it can sometimes be taken as harsh or rude by people, which is mainly due to enjoying it, actually moving myself when people are direct with me, without sugar coating. Now when these people react to my words it could be down to them not having the vocabulary to process what I'm saying to them so they are getting emotional, they might be going into some inferiority, it could be because of how I said it to them, the truth can hurt as we all know, could be a combination of all of these points. 

Self-realisation of the need to birth oneself as life, while there can be support this can only be self-realised and it is that point of "well it doesnt matter how I interact with you, because really its all down to you anyway" that has caused me to be purposely more direct and sharp then is needed at times in my life, which then has a counter productive consequence on developing communication with that person.

It has been a process of learning gentleness with directness that I am still walking, but why in my mind do I automatically assume that someone is going to react to me negatively? Like this idea that it must be me surely right? Bringing things back to self just to judge oneself is nothing but unacceptable self-sabotage.

This past week I caught my mind multiple times assuming that a person would react emotionally to me, one guy I forgot to confirm the day before an appointment with him as well as completely forgetting the appointment due to a busy week, but then when I called him a few days after, he actually immediately apologised to me for not calling me the day before and we immediately rebooked.

Then another guy was avoiding my phone calls a bit and seemed to be hiding stuff in text messages so I assumed he would just fuck around with me when I get him on the phone. But actually in reality we had a great chat and I arranged an appointment with him easily.

Then another appointment I was keeping it all on texts, assuming based on where the lead came from that it would be a shit appointment - now while it was a rough part of the country, the appointment was really good as the parent almost bought there and then.

Then one of my clients from the start of the year who I assumed was never going to get serious based on our interaction such as the amount of laughing emojis she always uses in texts lol - but then she messages me last night literally saying I need to get serious, I'm ready to buy TechnoTutor Marley.

I assumed the person I have been spending a lot of time with recently would react negatively to me if I told her some of the reactions I was having towards her. But in reality when I did tell her (a whole day later when I was brave enough lol) it actually just opened up more points and clarified/strengthened our communication/interaction.

Can you see the common thread here? Can you see all this assumption patterns and how it is usually incorrect? Fascinating that I still haven't seemed to fully realise and live this point yet - there is definitely some desires/beliefs around me being psychic in someway, which always brings me back to "trusting my assumptions" but why cant I just consistently trust myself in self-honesty and that be enough? 

Yes sometimes people will react when you are redesigning the entire system, yes there will be similarities based on things I have seen before - many will say its not possible, some will try to attack me, not be open to communicate at this time - but assuming that people will automatically react negatively to me without actually seeing any physical feedback of them reacting negatively to me beforehand is not going to assist me and only make my life more difficult.

I live for the living word not the feeling/projection/idea of the living word.

So I walk -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people will automatically react negatively to me, often without any actual evidence this is the case and as I have seen massively in the past week is totally invalid assumptions and judgments that I'm going into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the expectation of someone to react negatively to me, is more often due to me reacting negatively to the person in someway and projecting it onto them as if they are having the same negative experience towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own experience onto others as if it is their issue to deal with, when it is mine. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself by so many times in life letting assumption be my gauge for making decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'm going to make someone react negatively if I tell them my reactions towards them, especially when I am close to them - I will be direct with clients, but with people closer to me I justify not immediately sharing my reactions towards them to try and "not hurt their feelings" that system love bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breath that the system version of love is not real as it is based in energy, self-interest, not dealing with issues, assuming that hiding, suppression and presenting a constant perfect image is best for the other person when it never is, because in reality it is through facing the issues physically here, as they come up that bonds are strengthened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that assumption is by its very nature designed to keep us away from investigation and expansion to get real answers and so is not supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every moment that just because its best for all to bring everything back to self, that does not mean I have to judge myself as automatically being annoying to others because of how I call peoples bullshit out - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being annoying to others based on how many people have reacted to me before which is just self-sabotage which does not support me in living whats best for all life, so I stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I  am actually directing myself to support people everyday physically with the real work I do, if they see me as annoying that is their own issue to deal with, I do not need to try and be a mind reader or assume I am annoying them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often get annoyed at the reactions of annoyance people have had to me before and use that as some kind of template for my assumptions, which only makes me contract not expand in my living of bringing about whats bets for all life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get annoyed at myself whenever I get annoyed by the annoyance of someone else towards me, believing I should be "better then this annoyance reaction" when in reality I can react the same as any human, nobody is above any experience and whenever I react to anything It shows me a reflection that I have unresolved issues around the point I'm reacting to in another. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that because I can see my own mind on a certain point, that because im dealing with this point right now, then "surely" this person is dealing with the same point right now, thus my assumption is valid which is fucked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself  and all destonians as psychic in someway and thus "can see it all" when this very idea shows me I'm not seeing whats happening here within and as me which is being directed by fear and ego to not actually investigate all things and only keep whats best, but to rather sit on a throne of "great knowledge" which is completely contrary to what is best for all life which Desteni stands for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can read peoples minds and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add layers to this every time my assumptions are proven true, but when they are wrong I just ignore it as my miscalculation didn't really happen and continue to assume next time in an endless cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that a form of psychics can develop in anyone, but its not based in the minds idea like assumption, its based on actual real physical feedback - as an example a recovered drug addict can easily spot the same addiction in another because they actually have directly experienced the same life and the thoughts that go with it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have the idea of "the truth hurts" sometimes to be an excuse to be purposely harsh to someone with words, which is mental abuse which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a promulgate a polarity friction because it feels "good" when I know something and "bad" when I don't thus with assumption, I can essentially cheat the system and have a continual false sense of " I know I'm right" which gives that good feeling energy instead of actually checking, actually cross referencing where I often find I am totally wrong in my assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of making mistakes, because through trusting my assumptions instead of trusting myself here letting myself make mistakes as I do when using TT as an example, I can apparently avoid any and all mistakes in my ego through assumption which is just a delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise In every here breath that when I meet someone new, I automatically expect betrayal at some point so I will try to search for memories in my mind of a person who stabbed me before who this new person reminds me of, so I can compare, judge and build assumptions of their intentions to "save time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume I am wasting my time with a certain person based on a memory I have compared them against - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing time on someone who will waste my time and betray me one day anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I am actually wasting my own time through spending so much time in my assumptions, which were proven invalid all week for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is never a waste of time to create new connections, yes humans are inherently untrustworthy yet that is not a valid justification of allowing fear of loss and to build a better world we actually all need each other 1+1+1 even those we have had disagreements with in the past, eventually we will all have to walk this process together as one kingdom of life.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise im using assumptions as an excuse to not face the pain of being wrong/correcting mistakes and building interaction/relationships which takes physical effort. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have been holding onto memories because I had to work things out quickly when I was younger, taking care of my mum at a young age, having a super smart grandfather - that I'm "more able" then most to work everything out in my life quickly, even people which is actually bullshit ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had an addiction to betting on sports and because of often being good at it, to then believe/justify that my seemingly clairvoyant sport betting assumptions can expand out into anything which is not true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when I'm betting on sports my assumption is at least based on statistics of a particular team/athlete, not a thought/feeling/emotion I'm having towards someone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that just like betting, I get an energetic buzz of finding out if my assumption is accurate, so that when I win I can say "I knew it!" and when I lose I can justify and say "oh well my vision wasn't clear on that one, next time my assumption will be correct" in a continual cycle - so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore when my assumptions are wrong, just so I can justify my addiction to getting that energy of winning again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my addiction to betting on sports to fuel my pre-program around assumptions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more words I know then the more I can assume, because surely my assumptions will be more intelligent and thus more likely correct right? Wrong, because if my starting point is an energetic reaction in anything it doesn't matter how many words I know from that perspective as the assumption will not be based in common sense, because common sense doesn't assume, it checks, cross references. Assumptions is literally a dis to self-honesty and common sense is where real self-honesty is. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realise and understanding in every self honest breath that the world works according to physical feedback not thought/feeling/emotional feedback, thus assumption will never be as effective as actually getting the real story here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that when a car engine is being built does assumption go into any area of this? No because everything that is effective in this world was designed in a measurable way step by step based on physical trial and error.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is possible to have no assumptions at all If I stick to breath which is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that assumptions are the very reason why so many innocents suffer in silence in this world everyday, because we assume that someone else will fix these problems - surely the government or some rich celebrity will feed those people right? No they never do, so this idea is fucked, thus we cannot allow assumptions to continue to destroy our world.

I commit myself to not allowing assumptions to enslave me and be my decision makers in life, so as and when I see my mind having reactions come up around assumptions, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage as doing so will only result in my continual enslavement to assumption, so I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more reactions that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that without physical feedback I have no right to project my minds feedback on others as assumptions.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to use assumptions as an excuse to not have to go through the effort of having to deal with/build with someone because its an easy excuse to just say "Iv'e seen this before so I know what will happen" without checking.

I commit myself to showing that it is through assumptions that poverty is maintained in this world - because we always assume someone else will take responsibility for the fucked up shit in the world instead of ourselves, which I cannot allow any further.

I commit myself to exposing all forms of assumptions in this world through living as an example by basing my decisions in what is best for all life which is the building of heaven on earth as me, sharing my experiences with assumptions with others when I see they are assuming.

I commit myself to show that everything of value built in this world was done so without the need of any assumptions.

  

Day 396: The Sound of Silence

When there is no sounds to make, no thoughts to share, nothing to express or clarify, then it is cool to stand in silence with our partners and friends. 

However, when there is something to be said, but we do not say - this is a kind of corrupting silence, a silence that will surely lead to the death of communication and thus interaction with another.

I have had to face silence a lot this week, silence from some clients I wanted to see, silence with a  friend and silence with someone I am building an agreement with. I wrote about annoyance at silence recently.

Fascinating how I can get annoyed when someone is silent when I want an answer, but when there is something I want to say but fear it could offend my friend or the person I'm building an agreement with then I justify my own silence for periods of time which limits communication and stabilization of the relationship.

It has been a cool, to slow down and accept that I cannot force others to speak, I can only make sure that I am clear myself and ALWAYS speak when there is something of worth to share, as it is only through sharing that cooperation and solutions are built and can be lived.

I pushed myself to bring up some uncomfortable points and it became clear that as I have seen every time I have built an effective relationship in anything, it is based on facing the difficult points as soon as they come up, not delaying.

Hannah really assisted me with this as we were both noticing silence towards each other for periods of time. Then when we sat down and discussed it, we both realised there was multiple reactions we were both having towards each other.

It really is fascinating how we expect each other to be mind readers, yet when we actually just speak whats coming up without fear of what the person will say, then the level of enjoyment that comes from creating clarity with one another is so cool. Yet it is no plateau, this is a constant work because the points we became clear on together over the past few days, does not mean revenge of the ego cannot come up in a few days etc. 

Now this is not to say that silence cannot be supportive, because when we just immediately spew the first thing that comes to our head without consideration of others that can be equally abusive - silence can be a great support to give myself time to slow down and see in self-honesty what is coming up and breathe/apply common sense to see what is of value to share. 

I must make sure there is no patterns of corrupting silence that I allow.  

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike it when someone is being silent towards me, but then I myself have multiple moments where I will justify my own silence towards another to "protect their feelings".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that to not speak when there is something to share, is a corrupting abusive silence that destroys relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that silence can be supportive when the starting point is clear, meaning I am clear, there is nothing coming up that would be of value to share in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that silence can be like under watering and over watering a plant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the idea of an "awkward silence" is only awkward because of knowing I have something to share and I'm not which makes me feel awakward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I fall into a patterns of believing it is acceptable to question someone and clearly share my thoughts when its someone I don't consider "close to me" but when its someone I consider close to me, I then go into these moments of justifying not sharing what I'm thinking as I see how my words can often make people react and fearing that I will piss off the people close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing those close to me by telling them my thoughts about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my assumption people will automatically attack me if I tell them how I experience myself is not real, because when a person is clear on taking self-responsibility for their own reactions then actually they will not attack me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breathe that it always come back to my starting point as to whether or not I should speak or not, speaking to try to cause reactions isn't unacceptable and speaking to build constructive criticism is of value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise when someone is set in their ways silence and bringing it back to self to see what you can learn from it can often be best. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people to be mind readers who are close to me, when actually whenever I test this, I genuinely cannot read someones mind no matter how close they are to me - sure I can become clearer on my awareness of another the longer I spend around that person, yet they will never be certain on my thoughts and I will never be certain on theirs until we share openly with each other as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of perceiving silence as strength, where I have defined speaking as egotistical and silence ans humble, that polarity - So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and feed into that polarity. 

I commit myself to not allowing corrupting silence to fuck up my interaction with anyone, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to participate with teh thoughts, I breathe and continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that silence when it is clear, when there is nothing of value to share, then silence is actually a fantastic support for me and others around me.

I commit myself to exposing the corruption of silence in this world through living as an example of supportive silence, the sound of silence.

Day 395: There is no outsider

Being new to a group is something that everybody has to face in order to develop effective relationships in life, because if you are not integrating into groups of humans in this world then it is likely due to fear and isolating yourself.

During this lock down, government regulations have forced people to define isolation as a positive and integrating into groups as a negative.

The reality is though that as freedom is disappearing in this world, now is the most important time to find ways of opening up communication and integrating into groups where the power of the group mind grows stronger 1+1+1 and so on.

I have seen many times now how I have become effective in my process at living the realisation that all beings are me, equal as life therefore within this realising that I have nothing to fear from myself whenever I join a group.

I see similarities before differences naturally now which is one of the rewards of consistently facing and releasing thoughts, feelings and emotions through the years.

Just last night I went to Hannah's grandmothers birthday and there was around 10 peoples there that I had not met before, if you go back to before my process I would have been awkward and would have not met a load of people I don't know, or I would have isolated myself within the group if  I met them at all.

Its just automatic for me, I introduced myself to everyone present and interacted with everyone throughout the evening and even when one person gave me a little verbal jab I just turned it into laughter and communication - as a result I now have a wider friendship network then what I had at the start of the night.

Do not allow fear to limit you, be honest with yourself, forgive yourself, breathe, utilise common sense - develop stability as the outsider, because the whole idea of being the outsider is not real once you live the realisation that all life truly is equal and one here - there is only group called humanity and therefore you can find points of similarities and develop communication with any human, no matter how different your ego initially may view the person.

Then you will find amazing things will happen, the more consistently fear is faced teh more consistent the rewards to you and all life will manifest.

     

Day 394: Annoyance at Silence

Are you giving me the silent treatment? It's a classic statement we have all heard before and it really is fascinating when you look closer at your life and see places where you have got annoyed with someone who seems to be ignoring you, being silent when you know they are thinking things that they are not telling you. 

We seem to enjoy playing these games with each other, the reason it is called "silent treatment" is because it so often works, It can cause reactions if we allow it to.

I have noticed a pattern recently of getting annoyed at people who rather then giving me clear answers, communicating with me directly - will avoid talking to me, facing me and will just stay silent about their true thoughts.

Someone cancelled an appointment on me recently, which although it annoyed me a little bit, the main annoyance came when I started calling/texting them immediately trying to find out what the root of the issue is and they ignored me, like every call/text they ignored increased my annoyance, so I just spewed a load of my annoyance at this person for not being clear with me 

Then a few minutes after reacting, I asked myself a question - regardless of if what I'm saying to the person is true, why am I so annoyed about their silence? What else is going on here? Then I realized as with majority of times I see instability in myself in my life, it is because the person I am reacting to is actually showing me a mirror. 

It was a mirror I was looking at, because I have many times in my life enjoyed cancelling on someone then giving people the silent treatment - when I scanned my life timeline to see when this last happened, it was actually very recently. As an example there is an energy company that really want me to switch to them, they have been calling me, emailing me and sending me loads of stuff in the post.

Each time they call me and I don't pick up I get this maniacal smile, knowing that they might be getting annoyed at my silent treatment. I've had this with friends, potential partners and business meetings before too, where I cancel meeting them and will ignore the persons questions about why I did that again with that smile on my face - enjoying the energy of watching them jump around in annoyance about my despondent and abruptly ended interaction with them.

I can see when I look back further, to when I first developed this idea I realised around 7 years old that it would annoy me when my mum or any adult doesn't give me an answer to a question - but that I could manipulate all these adults into an emotional reaction through not responding, which of course gives a feeling of power as a child. 

Also me and my grandfather loved watching spy movies together where silence often saves someones life in the film, he would sometimes remark during the film about his government experiences - how him or someone he worked with either messed up by speaking out or fixed a problem through silence. 

Then the combination of my families crazy history and the reactions it would bring out of people that I told growing up, by teenage years I would almost prefer not speaking about my family. The value building in silence. 

Then also in teenage years I got really into films and a few films came out which strengthened this programming, Zatoichi, Sonatine and Brother all films made by Takeshi Kitano. With all Kitano films generally speaking there is a silent character in the film who is a gangster or a samurai and it is their silence that annoys others and  there is also always underlying points around silence saying more then words.

Silence as strength (film spoilers) - In Sonatine the Yakuza boss after all his gang are killed goes on a revenge rampage with a machine gun in complete silence and kills himself in silence after. In Zatoichi he is a blind samurai who uses silence to annoy and draw attacks out of the bad guys as well as heighten his awareness in sword fighting. In Brother he is a Yakuza who speaks no English living in America and ends up becoming close friends with a black guy even though they speak no words to each other during the whole film.

As with many teenagers my use of the silent treatment was becoming very effective with people and it was really Takeshi Kitanos films that enforced this through my teenage years - like I'm this cool silent samurai that does his talking with his sword, I don't need words and I am actually strengthened and can solve problems through my silence. I also remember that when I first started really questioning my life and the world around 19/20 age, I got into a group called Enigma who I still enjoy, but fascinating that one of my favourite songs when I first started listening to them was "Silent Warrior". Mind fuck.

  

Interesting that we humans do this so often, where we blame someone acting in  a certain way for why we are experiencing instability, when the only reason we are reacting pointing the finger, is because we are projecting onto others what we are actually doing to ourselves.

The silent treatment is abuse, it is designed to cause reactions and mental trauma in others, so its crucial to remove it from myself and stick to breathing when others do it to me. I cannot control what others do, only how I conduct myself and so I walk - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance when others are purposely being silent when I am asking them to communicate, not realizing that it all comes back to self even though my annoyance is directed at the person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise  that the reason I was so annoyed at this person and usually get annoyed anytime someone goes silent on me, is because these people are showing me that I myself have not dealt with my own issue around playing silent games with people and therefore don't like it when someone does it to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that malicious silence is what destroys relationships, it is the antithesis of the development of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the only time being silent is supportive is if there is actually nothing I have to share in self-honesty. However, when there is something to say and I'm not saying it, thoughts, feelings and emotions I'm having but not communicating then I am willingly abusing the person which is unacceptable. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is never valid to blame my annoyance on anyone else, because I know it is always my responsibility in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vampire energy from people through using silence to get enjoyment out of the annoyance this causes the person I'm cancelling on/avoiding/not responding to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love it when I'm using the silent treatment on people but hate it when Its used on me as a complete hypocrite, creating a polarity friction which only keeps me in separation and feeds into the separation of all humans in this world to accept the same bullshit in themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity friction where its good for me to annoy others with the silent treatment, but not ok for them to do it to me which is an illusion in my mind, thus is not real and thus is not acceptable to live as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I actually use the silent treatment a lot, yet I must develop the understanding that if the starting point of the silence is energy/self-interest its unacceptable. I change the starting point as me, from energy to here as this breathe in common sense where I only utilize silence when it is a benefit to all life in any scenario.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have actually been using the silent treatment in an abusive way on people in my life for much longer then I realised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I first learned how to use the silent treatment to mentally abuse others when I was very young as it enabled me to "even the score" with adults that didn't respond to something I said or didn't give me the answer I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its ok to copy someones abuse of silence when I'm offended, rather then living a solution of not allow the abuse of silence and only using silence as a support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence to harm people mentally since a young age, which I learnt from how easily adults could annoy me by not giving me the answer I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy using the silent treatment on other people, because of enjoying interacting with the secret mind in silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so annoyed when the silent treatment is used on me, because of seeing myself as important as ego, therefore my mind is like "how dare you ignore me" lol. When I realise that while yes I am important so is all lives in this world and therefore the silent treatment can be used on me just as with anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to not tell a friend, business partner, love interest or acquaintance that I don't really like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to not face a problem I should fix with someone, knowing full well that the problem will not fix itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to string along a company when I have no intention of buying from them and so should just tell them that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence abusively to try to manipulate someone to "feel sorry" for annoying me in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that no matter how much I act like there is "nothing to say" there is always a load of backchat behind why using the silent treatment in the person in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we are all programmed by the system in place to ignore people that we find annoying, to give them the silent treatment, when really if someone annoys me that should indicate I need to communicate with them, get myself stable instead of suppressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of spy films and government secrets with my grandfather as a kid, which I see only added value to this pre-programming of this value of using silence for personal gain. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of the amount of times people have reacted negatively when I talk about my families history, where through the years again this added more layers to the onion that its better to be silent about it even if it annoys others, because making my family this mythological secret is so cool lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of connecting myself to the main character in most of Takeshi Kitano films growing up, where the main character always uses silence to his benefit in someway. I see how holding onto these memories limits me in living whats is best for all life, where I abuse silence just to satisfy my idea of myself in complete separation so I let the points go by walking them out of my flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this silent warrior, yet when I am self-honest, being silent all the time and/or someone who creates war is not cool and makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this silence as ego, this purposely trying to cause annoyance through silence is a strength, when actually it is weakness because someone who uses the silent treatment a lot could be doing so out of not having the words to express as equals -  I notice also how anytime we do not have knowledge in something, we prefer to stay silent rather then saying we don't know it, our education system has brainwashed everyone to believe they know everything and not admit when they don't know something because it feels bad to admit we do not know something.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is this silent treatment we are all giving to each other, these stupid ego games trying to make each other react - this is the reason why so much abuse goes on in silence, the innocent suffer in silence while we play our little mini silent mind games, how fucked up is that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that silence really can be a support, to clear myself as deep breathing here - that way I don;t just endless spew the first thing that comes to my mind, I take a few moments to scan the scenario, apply common sense in silence and then speak

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that It is possible to support others through silence when it is done in a way that is best for all - as an example if I have a friend that is in a very stressful situation and is communicating with me, It is best for all that I am silent while they are sharing themselves, because when I am silent as breathe here, not silent waiting to speak - then I can really support my friend with the best solutions I can. Silence is needed to listen effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is possible to support others through silence in a way that's best for all, when someone I know for example is demanding responses from me not to support themselves, me or anyone else here physically, but only to satisfy their ego in self-interest.

 

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react in annoyance when someone is giving me the silent treatment as I realise it does not assist me at all, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up in the moment I stop, I stick to breathing, I do not participate with the thoughts, just continuation of breathing until there is no more thoughts here.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to use the silent treatment on others for my own selfish energetic purposes, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to play the silent game with someone, I stop and breathe and continue to do so until eventually no matter how long the thoughts do not come up again.

I commit myself to living the realization that silence is abusive when the starting point is selfish, yet when we adjust the starting point silence can be a great support throughout our lives so that our words have more common sense and certainty of meaning.

I commit myself to exposing the silent treatment and its devastating abuses in this world through calling it out and living as the example of what I would like to see, which is silence as support not abuse.