I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
react to a person I am close to that uses their phone to text when they are
around me as backchat thoughts of “is she cheating on me?” which I realize is
based in fear/assumptions and insecurities in my mind that I have not taken
self-responsibility for in past relationships through self-correction. I
realize that I have suppressed these reactions from past relationships which is
proven by the fact that these reactions have just started coming up again as I
spend more time with this one person. I am not willing to accept this
separation of myself to continue as it is dishonest and I’m only willing to
accept self-honesty as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
physically react through folding my arms which I realize clearly shows an
attack/defence mechanism engaging within my mind, after participating with the
thoughts of “is she cheating on me?” And
then try to pretend that I am not having thoughts through watching the film
which is complete deception.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to
dictate my experience of myself when I am around this person and she is using
her phone to text, when I see, realize and understand that disciplining myself
through walking as breathe, remaining consistent in every moment is where I
take responsibility for myself, where there is no fear experience whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within
fearing that this person will have sex with someone else and forget about me,
that I am clearly showing I am existing as fear of loss, as allowing myself in
a moment to be influenced by and exist as past relationship memory in complete
separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear losing this person in my life, because of remembering how majority of
every other relationships I have had in my life, It ended and I do not see the
person at all now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that my memory is valid, that my memory will “more than likely” play
out to be true again, as if the relationship is dependent upon something else
maintaining it, when in fact every relationship past, present and future is
always the same, it is a fruit of my labour, it will blossom or deteriorate
according to what I allow as myself. And I realize that if I allow an idea that
it’s not worth trying because things will just play out the same, then any
physical relationship would deteriorate from this bullshit principal. So within
this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that
“things will just play out the same” removing my responsibility from the
effective direction of the relationship, as if things “play out” according to
something outside of my control, which I realize dooms every relationship
before I start it because I’m already giving myself the excuse to quit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give
myself an immediate excuse to quit developing any relationship with a female
through believing that past relationship memories will “prevail” as “things
playing out the same with the relationship ending”. I realize that excuses are
unacceptable, and that I am directly responsible for the deterioration or
development of any relationship in my life, I am the directive principle,
nothing else. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to perpetuate and to be defined by past relationship memories of break
ups.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within
accepting and allowing myself to fear losing something/someone, I am already
saying I am possessed by that something/someone, that I have created a mental
relationship which requires immediate direction now to not allow any further accumulation
which will be to the benefit of all.
I forgive myself that I have not realized as soon as this fear
comes up as backchat thoughts in my head, that there is clearly shit that I
have supressed from my last relationship which must be investigated and dealt
with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define this fear that “she is cheating on me” to be real without any tangible,
physical reason to accept this fear to be real, which is a complete state of
illusion that I do not accept, because nothing is real that can’t be
cross-referenced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
even for a moment that through fearing her cheating on me I can stop it from happening,
when in self honesty I can see that this is complete self-deception because in
fact I cannot control what another person allows, if this person decides to
sleep with someone else for whatever reason than that is what will happen, I
realize I cannot change that in anyway , I cannot change what a person allows
through fearing something in my mind as the mental does not move the physical.
And I realize that through providing the point of her cheating on me with
attention/energy in my mind through fearing it, I am much more likely to
encourage it to happen through pushing the person away with unnecessary fear
based assumptions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
trust that assumptions in my mind when I’m around this person are real just
because of creating a belief that a woman I am getting to know closely will
inevitably want to get away from me, and will hide it from me rather than
discuss it with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear spending lots of time getting to know someone, to fear developing anything
with one person, because of believing that ultimately in my mind it is going to
be “pointless” because the person will “inevitably” see me as crazy, or react
to some element of my life and then will gradually stop spending time with me.
I realize that this is all just a fiasco happening in my head which requires
immediate direction now, as fear does not support me in anyway in my life, so I
commit myself to letting go of this belief/fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect the word secret to the word phone in my mind in complete separation of
myself, due to the amount of times in the past, where I have kept a secret from
someone in a text format for work, or a friend, or in my last relationship
where both me and my ex kept secrets from each other in texts. Thus when I see
someone texting while they are around me and I am getting closer to them, I
automatically think “phone/secret” which then leads to “I wonder if their
phones have secrets they don’t want me to see”, which then leads to “is she
cheating on me?”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
through accumulating and charging the connection of phone and secret through
the years in my mind, to automatically think a person I’m getting to know is
keeping secrets from me while they are texting, without realizing that a phone
is for communicating with people not for “keeping secrets” as I have defined in
my mind, so I take responsibility to remove this concept that a phone is
connected to secrets. I realize that secrets is a human accepted and allowed
system which has nothing to do with phones, a phone is just a way a person can
choose to store/share secrets through, but so is the internet, so is a diary,
so there is no reason to connect phones to secrets and assume this person or
any person is keeping secrets from me when they are texting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire
to be this persons centre of attention at all times, which I realize is like
using a person as a crutch for the fact that I am insecure about the person,
that I do not trust this person, that I fear losing the person, that I am
wanting the person to constantly validate my trust of the person which is
complete self-possession as ego. And within this I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to look for validation of trust in another as ego
through desiring to be the centre of the persons attention, competing in my
mind to be the “winner of her total attention” in complete separation of
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create a polarity in relation to this person’s attention, that it is “positive”
when I am getting her total attention, and its “negative” when something else
has her attention. When I realize that this is a statement of absolute bullshit
and deception, because attention or not there is no “good” or “bad” that comes
into it, and common sense nobody can only communicate with one person, to
expect that is a complete god complex, where I define myself as god and am
indirectly saying that I want her to be my “perfect slave follower” giving me
her undivided attention at all times, so I can see that this is completely
unacceptable, thus I take self-responsibility to stop this behaviour completely.
I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments
that I am around this person I am close to, or around any person, is that trust
is not something that someone else can give to me, it is that which I must walk
as myself, because i realize that I cannot control another person, I cannot
decide how, or what another person will do. I can only make sure that my
starting point is clear as breathe, that I am existing as the directive
principle of trust, that no matter what I live what’s best for all here as
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
experience a light form of jealousy towards her phone whenever she is texting
on it, which manifested in this instance through me folding my arms and
pretending I am just watching the film, which is stupid, because the moment I have
a problem with something she is doing, I must not blame something else, or avoid
discussion, I must just breathe and investigate/release that which I’m reacting
to and is causing a friction in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create self-beliefs that a woman I get to know closely will “obviously” find me
to be “boring” and in general “not good enough”.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the reason I
have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this person will find me
“boring” and “not good enough” is because I have created and defined myself in
my mind as “boring and not good enough” which is completely unacceptable
separation/definition of myself .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that I am “too scary” to be in a relationship with a woman, because i have
seen many times before where people I have gotten to know in the past have
reacted in fear to something I have said, or something about my life and then
stopped talking/interacting with me. When I realize that this concept that I am
“too scary” for a partner is a completely self-limiting/disempowering concept
which is thus totally unnecessary to participate within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge and sabotage myself in my mind as something less than “relationship worthy”
in my mind, when this is just happening in my mind according to my
experiences/programming, and thus is not valid to accept as real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify
these beliefs in my mind that I am “boring” “weird” and in general “not good
enough” is because of believing I do not adhere to a lifestyle that many women
would like - I don’t go partying, I don’t wear fashionable clothes, I don’t have
huge muscles, I don’t celebrate xmas/holidays, I spend a lot of time on the
computer, and with my dogs/mum and son. Within this I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to believe that any of these points validate
self-definitions of me being “boring”, “weird” or “not good enough”, when in fact
they do not, it is all created in my mind according to my idea of what a “normal
man” does, which is not real and so must be stopped completely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
experience myself as insecure when this person is texting on her phone as
thoughts that “she’s probably looking
for a way out of talking to me”, when this is all happening in my head not in
physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments that
no matter who I am around or what they are doing, that unless my starting point
of myself is clear as breathe, then I am in complete separation of myself
through accepting an illusion that pops into my head in any given moment as
total instability shifting all over the place whenever things in my immediate environment
change in some way, so I realize i must be stable as breathe in all environments
with any person.
I commit myself to not allowing myself to participate with
any backchat fear based thoughts of “is she cheating on me”, as I realize that
participation with any backchat will always result in a separation inside
myself, a separation from others, as backchat is composed in separation from
physical reality, separate from who I really am as breathe.
I commit myself to not allowing fear to dictate how I
experience myself around this person, as I realize that to accept fear as
myself, is to accept the enslavement of myself and another to polarity
frictions of the mind.
I commit myself to not allowing mental relationships in
relation to this person to accumulate and control me as an unstable being, as I
realize that this will result in a relationship of brainwashed self-interest,
and I realize that in order for a relationship to be beneficial for all, I must
stand as the point of physical stability through directing myself as breathe
where I can make consistent common sense decisions/movements of physical
support of myself and another without any mind shit getting in the way, causing
frictions in the relationship.
I commit myself to
not allowing relationship memories to dictate how I experience myself in a
relationship that I develop now in my life.
I commit myself to exposing mental relationships in any
physical relationship to always be completely unnecessary, unrealistic,
damaging for both parties, and while mental relationships in this world are
deemed to make a relationship “stronger” by many, in common sense very clearly
that he more “positive” or “negative” mental values I create place about a
person, does not make me physically closer to the person, it actually keeps me further
away from the person, further from supporting the person unconditionally as
myself, because I am placing so much more value on a mental painting about the
person, becoming completely possessed by this picture that what is physically
beneficial for the person is almost irrelevant, as long as we “feel the love”
between each other then it doesn’t matter how we physically treat each other,
which is how abuse is accepted in a relationship, and I’m not willing to accept
that.
I commit myself to investigating, understanding and releasing
all dimensions of relationship memory reactions that may occur with this person
through self-honest introspection, and self-corrective application walking as
breathe.
When and as I see this person using their phone, I stop and breathe;
I do not allow myself to engage with any whisper backchat thoughts that may come
into my head, as I realize that the consequence of this will not be to the
benefit of all. It is best to focus on breathing, consistently until the
reaction is here no further.
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