Day 77: The Exaggerating Deceiver.

 For similar context to this blog you can check out : Day 51: not admitting when I’ve miscalculated.
 Day 33: "living" in Denial

So it’s interesting that sometimes when I am speaking to people I have a tendency to automatically turn into this character where I exaggerate almost everything I’m saying, where everything I am saying I want the person to acknowledge as a “big important deal” trying to make their eyes pop out of their head in some way.

Even when the point is not actually that relevant in anyway, but as this exaggeration character I literally will not drop the point of discussion until I see that the person has acknowledged my exaggeration as valid.

And I can see clearly in self-honesty, that when I am existing as this exaggeration, that I am just existing as ego looking for a way to get attention, looking for a way to have my words validated as “important” and a “big deal”.

Growing up in this world I got so used to exaggerating things to people in an attempt to manipulate the person to seeing the point as an “important big deal” or to see me as an “important big deal” or to see me as “good” in some way, or to just buy a particular lie I want the person to buy. Right through school and into my adult life I have been exaggerating things to attempt to receive a form of energy from another person, to validate and charge my ego. Then I became addicted to the energy of deceiving people through the use of exaggeration as I found that it was easy to do and made me feel good about myself, good about the fact that I was falsely making the person believe something is real when it is not.

It started with exaggerating to other kids at playschool about how many toys I got for my birthday or xmess, then into secondary school in my preteen/teenage years I was always exaggerating to my friends for instance about how many girls I was seeing, or how good I was at a particular computer game, sport or just about anything that I would deem as impressive to others. Then the longer I allowed myself to exist as this piece of brainwashing, then the more comfortable and effectively deceptive I became in my projection and utilization of exaggeration.

For instance exaggerating how ill I feel in the morning to my boss to try and create a response of pity from him as a justification for not going to work. Or exaggerating how much money I make to try and impress a girl that I find sexually attractive. Or exaggerating something about my past involved with crime to try and gain some sort of “respect” from the person I’m speaking with, and in general project myself as “being in the know” about crime. Or exaggerating how my sons mum acts towards me painting her as an “evil beast” in some way to try and get people to see my sons mum as “bad” and me as “good”.

All of these are recent examples of where I exist as exaggeration in my life, and I’m not willing to let myself exist as this point any further, as its complete bullshit, I see that it is clearly dishonest and abusive to life in complete separation from physical reality as a delusion in my head. So join me as I walk self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements in my next blog.