Ok so today I was sitting down with a person that I have
been spending a lot of time with recently, wherein we have had sex multiple
times and in general get on well. However I noticed when she was texting on her
phone, that I had an internal reaction as backchat thoughts based in fear as an
assuming, jealous, inadequacy which I really have not experienced since my last
relationship which was over 3 years ago. And basically the context of the backchat was simply "is she cheating on me?".
So it’s like experiencing myself as not being good enough,
as wanting to be this persons centre of attention completely without any
distractions. So when I experienced this reaction, I had my arms folded and I was
just watching a film pretending that I wasn’t bothered by her texting on her
phone, when in fact in self-honesty, I realized in the same moment that I was
reacting to her texting on her phone, and I can see that this is a pattern
which I have not dealt with, which I developed years ago and does not assist
and support me in aligning to and living what’s best for all.
Because I realize that when I am next to any person using
their phone I should not be reacting, I should be stable as breathe without having
any jealousy based thoughts coming up. And I can see that these thoughts I was
having towards this person were all fear based, as I was worried that she was
texting another guy because in my mind I “must be boring her” and I’m “not good
enough” which had no substance in physical reality whatsoever because she was
actually not texting any other males as my backchat assumed, and really the
situation showed me that I have insecurities of trust with this person due to not
trusting myself in totality, due to not dealing with these insecurities that I had
in my last relationship, which just now showed themselves again.
I discussed this point with her as it happened and we had a
cool chat about it, so what is evident to me is that this kind of behaviour is
a dimension of my pre-programming that must be corrected so that I am stable in
my starting point, where i may be able to develop a relationship with this person, because I have
seen that mental relationships do not assist and support me or anyone else in
this world in developing and living what is best for all. So join me in my next
blog as I walk self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements on this point as well
as continuing to investigate any other relationship reactions/patterns that may
come up.
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