So i have noticed a pattern come up today, a mental relationship im in, that upon further investigation i do very often, its a self definition that has developed since the end of my last relationship with a female partner, where i can see that i am allowing myself to react when i walk past couples on the street.
So seeing the couple walking is the trigger point which i allow to move me, especially when the couple is kissing passionately, and then all these thoughts come up either along the lines of "i wish i could see your faces the day you realize it will never last" where im actually allowing myself to have harmful thoughts about the two beings, from the perspective of a kind of dark jealousy experienced where im hoping that some traumatic event will happen to the beings, like a form of wishing i could be there the day that the physical bursts their energy of mind possessed "love". Or i go into thoughts of "i want a relationship again" which is totally based on a desire to search for, and have a point outside of myself, that makes me feel "good", and then justifying the harmful thoughts i have about the beings, because of my own self interested desire as the mind to have a relationship, and a perception that i "deserve" love much more then another. And also sometimes this desire i allow and thus are equal to as the mind wants to re create the past energetic patterns i have experienced in past relationships that i got addicted to. All the shit like: wants of happiness energy, wanting a "good" feeling, wondering if i will get that energy again, fearing being alone for the rest of my life etc -
So totally unacceptable here, having harmful thoughts about others is always unacceptable, and is just me allowing myself to exist within and as the mind, seeing the couple as seperate from me, instead of acknowledging the beings equally as me as life here. And the desire point is something many humans experience, where once we have experienced energetic "love" in the past, and been dependent on another for the experience, then when it is gone, we will find ways to attempt to re create the point, thus this is how we support illusion, and re create abuse - in search of a definition of love as energy.
Fascinating that when i look further back into my memory, i can see that reacting to couples looking happy has been going on within me for a longtime. For example, when me and my mum moved from manchester to bournemouth when i was 5, my mum and dad had long split up, and my dad basically didnt want anything to do with us. And as we were living in bournemouth, my mum started having relationships with various guys for the next 12 years. Now theses guys were always bikers, and were always white, which made me belief back then, that their must be something wrong with ethnic guys for her to only go for white guys. So i experienced feeling like im not fully welcome around these guys, or that im somehow less, because im half black, and my mum is not dating black guys. So i can remember being very young and often thinking thoughts about my mum and her boyfriend while looking at them being happy, thoughts like "am i less important because im half black" and "i hope something happens to break you two up" and when it did eventually break up, then i always was overjoyed, for example when i caught one of my mums boyfriends doing heroin with a friend in a flat, and when i told my mum and she left him, i was so happy with myself for succeeding at spiting their "love".
The first time i started desiring a female for energetic experiences within self interest, was when i started utilizing pictures to masturbate at 12 years old. Where i soon got addicted to the orgasmic energy, and then began building this mental relationship and searching for someone to use to attain orgasms through sex, and searching for someone to fall in "love" with according to my definition of the word love at the time. And then i soon began using the word love to manipulate beings to do what i want, and attain orgasm through sex with females.
So anyway after these thoughts come up after seeing couples together, i start getting all these memories flooding back about my last relationship, where i will start recreating memories of the "good times" in my mind. And it seems upon further investigation that the more happy the couple appears to be that i see, then the more memories i get coming up of the "good times" within my last relationship.
Then i start experiencing heaviness throughout my body after the couple has gone, like a form of tired depression washes through me. Where i will start judging myself within my process as inferior and unworthy to walk with another being based on memories of how i used to dominate and abuse people, and how emotionally aggresive my last relationship with a partner ended.
My last relationship with a partner ended abruptly about 13 months ago, because my partner at the time wanted me to forget about my son Malachi from another woman, and she instead wanted me to have one with her, which i eventually was not willing to do, but we were together for two years although it was all just emotional arguments and sex most of the time.
And as of the last 6 months, i have been wanting and desiring to have an agreement with a female member of Desteni, so that we could obviously be in agreement interms of what we are both participating in it for, which would be to support eachother in facing and correcting our individual mind patterning. A point of reference within our process and equal support of one another, where open communication and equal self expression is of the upmost importance, where no back doors as suppressed mind chatter can be allowed to exist.
But anyway clearly alot of points self deception that i have allowed to exist and accumilate for a longtime, within this one point of relationships, and unless i apply myself and correct myself now, then as any point, it will only accumilate to get worse and worse. So i stand here as this breathe to remove this separation from my world and take self responsibility to apply and correct myself to a system of equality thats best for all in self honesty.
So seeing the couple walking is the trigger point which i allow to move me, especially when the couple is kissing passionately, and then all these thoughts come up either along the lines of "i wish i could see your faces the day you realize it will never last" where im actually allowing myself to have harmful thoughts about the two beings, from the perspective of a kind of dark jealousy experienced where im hoping that some traumatic event will happen to the beings, like a form of wishing i could be there the day that the physical bursts their energy of mind possessed "love". Or i go into thoughts of "i want a relationship again" which is totally based on a desire to search for, and have a point outside of myself, that makes me feel "good", and then justifying the harmful thoughts i have about the beings, because of my own self interested desire as the mind to have a relationship, and a perception that i "deserve" love much more then another. And also sometimes this desire i allow and thus are equal to as the mind wants to re create the past energetic patterns i have experienced in past relationships that i got addicted to. All the shit like: wants of happiness energy, wanting a "good" feeling, wondering if i will get that energy again, fearing being alone for the rest of my life etc -
So totally unacceptable here, having harmful thoughts about others is always unacceptable, and is just me allowing myself to exist within and as the mind, seeing the couple as seperate from me, instead of acknowledging the beings equally as me as life here. And the desire point is something many humans experience, where once we have experienced energetic "love" in the past, and been dependent on another for the experience, then when it is gone, we will find ways to attempt to re create the point, thus this is how we support illusion, and re create abuse - in search of a definition of love as energy.
Fascinating that when i look further back into my memory, i can see that reacting to couples looking happy has been going on within me for a longtime. For example, when me and my mum moved from manchester to bournemouth when i was 5, my mum and dad had long split up, and my dad basically didnt want anything to do with us. And as we were living in bournemouth, my mum started having relationships with various guys for the next 12 years. Now theses guys were always bikers, and were always white, which made me belief back then, that their must be something wrong with ethnic guys for her to only go for white guys. So i experienced feeling like im not fully welcome around these guys, or that im somehow less, because im half black, and my mum is not dating black guys. So i can remember being very young and often thinking thoughts about my mum and her boyfriend while looking at them being happy, thoughts like "am i less important because im half black" and "i hope something happens to break you two up" and when it did eventually break up, then i always was overjoyed, for example when i caught one of my mums boyfriends doing heroin with a friend in a flat, and when i told my mum and she left him, i was so happy with myself for succeeding at spiting their "love".
The first time i started desiring a female for energetic experiences within self interest, was when i started utilizing pictures to masturbate at 12 years old. Where i soon got addicted to the orgasmic energy, and then began building this mental relationship and searching for someone to use to attain orgasms through sex, and searching for someone to fall in "love" with according to my definition of the word love at the time. And then i soon began using the word love to manipulate beings to do what i want, and attain orgasm through sex with females.
So anyway after these thoughts come up after seeing couples together, i start getting all these memories flooding back about my last relationship, where i will start recreating memories of the "good times" in my mind. And it seems upon further investigation that the more happy the couple appears to be that i see, then the more memories i get coming up of the "good times" within my last relationship.
Then i start experiencing heaviness throughout my body after the couple has gone, like a form of tired depression washes through me. Where i will start judging myself within my process as inferior and unworthy to walk with another being based on memories of how i used to dominate and abuse people, and how emotionally aggresive my last relationship with a partner ended.
My last relationship with a partner ended abruptly about 13 months ago, because my partner at the time wanted me to forget about my son Malachi from another woman, and she instead wanted me to have one with her, which i eventually was not willing to do, but we were together for two years although it was all just emotional arguments and sex most of the time.
And as of the last 6 months, i have been wanting and desiring to have an agreement with a female member of Desteni, so that we could obviously be in agreement interms of what we are both participating in it for, which would be to support eachother in facing and correcting our individual mind patterning. A point of reference within our process and equal support of one another, where open communication and equal self expression is of the upmost importance, where no back doors as suppressed mind chatter can be allowed to exist.
But anyway clearly alot of points self deception that i have allowed to exist and accumilate for a longtime, within this one point of relationships, and unless i apply myself and correct myself now, then as any point, it will only accumilate to get worse and worse. So i stand here as this breathe to remove this separation from my world and take self responsibility to apply and correct myself to a system of equality thats best for all in self honesty.
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