So today at work before i started, i bought some chewing gum at a supermarket, and when i came to the counter, i noticed that the guy that served me was athletically built and had slightly bigger muscles then me. i reacted to his build by experiencing jealousy, desire, and fear where i started comparing myself to him with thoughts like "wow he is well built" "he must work out alot" "i wonder if he has any martial arts knowledge behind that build" "if i put somemore work in i could have muscles like his" i noticed i was reacting and then i slowed down applied the four count breathe and carried on with my day. But i started considering to myself, why did i allow myself to react like that towards that guys body? where did that come from, and how does that operate?
This as with any deeply ingrained programme is a multi layered point, and what is clear to me here is that i am allowing myself to go into comparisons with others, a huge ego point desiring that my muscles could always be better, or closer resembling the size of anothers muscles, and experiencing judgements and inferiority towards the appearance of my own body in relation to others, compromising my stability here as breathe by going into the mind about the point. And upon further investigation, i have a habit of sometimes going into judgements about my own body whenever i am near a well built guy, or a female that i find attractive. Also when i watch an advert or see a magazine cover with muscular men, then again i react with these kinds of comparison, self judgemental thoughts, and desiring to be more then what i am, a desire to be more powerful, instead of just accepting myself here fully.
I do exercise pretty often, which can be a cool point of self support of sticking to breathe if the starting point is self honest. I often do shadow striking as im walking around the house, and although its not needed, i havent done strenuous 2 hour training regimes for over 6 months, but i still will do about an hour of stamina and strength training, and weighted shadow boxing 2 - 4 times a week. I can see now though that the reason i am even doing this training is just a form of physically playing out this thought pattern, these ego points of my minds built up programming. I am not standing within and as self honesty within doing physical workouts, i am simply playing out all my built up inferiority in relation to my body, attempting to "improve" the design of my physical body, from the perspective of attempting to impress another, get more powerful, and as i shared in a vlog a while back, im doing martial arts out of a fear being harmed, attempting to give myself the best possible chance of winning a fight competition as fast as possible that may come up in my life.
So i havent been doing training from a starting point of whats best for all, remaining stable as breathe and keeping the exercises practical. i am instead allowing myself to participate in physical training from an ego starting point of the mind always attempting to do more exercise in a constant attempt to "live up to" an image i have in my head of being a "perfectly" physically built and skilled being. Films and media also play a huge part in my programming, because i mean as films like beauty and the beast show with the characters Gaston and Belle, it is programmed into kids to believe that a man is only acceptable if he has the biggest muscles and is good at fighting, and a woman is only acceptable if they have a tiny waist, and a harmonic singing voice. So this point clearly requires my correction so that i can start participating in exercise from a clear self honest starting point without judging myself, reacting to others bodies, or going into and playing out any ego points about it.
I can also see in my memory, that this idea of desiring to get more and more powerful, and fearing being weak started a long time ago in my childhood. I can see that because i didnt have my dad living with me growing up, and my mums boyfriends never stayed around long enough, i had this idea develop in me from as young as maybe 7, that i must be my own father. I must grow up quickly, and be as physically strong as possible, so that i can live as my own father, look after myself always, and so that i can look after and impress my mother, so i must avoid being physically weak at all costs. This obviously started the whole polarity point that to be strong is "good" and to be weak is "bad" which compunded through the years. The reactions to others bodies, and judgments of my own body, only started in early teenage years when my own body started developing more along with puberty, and the search for sex.
So all these points are totally uneccessary to continue to exist, as they do not serve me or anybody as life in anyway whatsoever, and only support my minds built up personality ego. So i stand here as this breathe in self honesty to take self responsibility to release these points of extensive self deception from my world.
This as with any deeply ingrained programme is a multi layered point, and what is clear to me here is that i am allowing myself to go into comparisons with others, a huge ego point desiring that my muscles could always be better, or closer resembling the size of anothers muscles, and experiencing judgements and inferiority towards the appearance of my own body in relation to others, compromising my stability here as breathe by going into the mind about the point. And upon further investigation, i have a habit of sometimes going into judgements about my own body whenever i am near a well built guy, or a female that i find attractive. Also when i watch an advert or see a magazine cover with muscular men, then again i react with these kinds of comparison, self judgemental thoughts, and desiring to be more then what i am, a desire to be more powerful, instead of just accepting myself here fully.
I do exercise pretty often, which can be a cool point of self support of sticking to breathe if the starting point is self honest. I often do shadow striking as im walking around the house, and although its not needed, i havent done strenuous 2 hour training regimes for over 6 months, but i still will do about an hour of stamina and strength training, and weighted shadow boxing 2 - 4 times a week. I can see now though that the reason i am even doing this training is just a form of physically playing out this thought pattern, these ego points of my minds built up programming. I am not standing within and as self honesty within doing physical workouts, i am simply playing out all my built up inferiority in relation to my body, attempting to "improve" the design of my physical body, from the perspective of attempting to impress another, get more powerful, and as i shared in a vlog a while back, im doing martial arts out of a fear being harmed, attempting to give myself the best possible chance of winning a fight competition as fast as possible that may come up in my life.
So i havent been doing training from a starting point of whats best for all, remaining stable as breathe and keeping the exercises practical. i am instead allowing myself to participate in physical training from an ego starting point of the mind always attempting to do more exercise in a constant attempt to "live up to" an image i have in my head of being a "perfectly" physically built and skilled being. Films and media also play a huge part in my programming, because i mean as films like beauty and the beast show with the characters Gaston and Belle, it is programmed into kids to believe that a man is only acceptable if he has the biggest muscles and is good at fighting, and a woman is only acceptable if they have a tiny waist, and a harmonic singing voice. So this point clearly requires my correction so that i can start participating in exercise from a clear self honest starting point without judging myself, reacting to others bodies, or going into and playing out any ego points about it.
I can also see in my memory, that this idea of desiring to get more and more powerful, and fearing being weak started a long time ago in my childhood. I can see that because i didnt have my dad living with me growing up, and my mums boyfriends never stayed around long enough, i had this idea develop in me from as young as maybe 7, that i must be my own father. I must grow up quickly, and be as physically strong as possible, so that i can live as my own father, look after myself always, and so that i can look after and impress my mother, so i must avoid being physically weak at all costs. This obviously started the whole polarity point that to be strong is "good" and to be weak is "bad" which compunded through the years. The reactions to others bodies, and judgments of my own body, only started in early teenage years when my own body started developing more along with puberty, and the search for sex.
So all these points are totally uneccessary to continue to exist, as they do not serve me or anybody as life in anyway whatsoever, and only support my minds built up personality ego. So i stand here as this breathe in self honesty to take self responsibility to release these points of extensive self deception from my world.
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