So today i had to make the decision to put my cat Leo down, as he had extremely bad blod clots in his hind legs related to a heart disease that had silently accumilated.
I went to work yesterday, and when i finished i came home, where Leo was lying on my bed as per usual after work, and i rubbed my head against his head as our usual hello to eachother. On "appearances" only, he seemed totally fine and went back to sleep as per usual as i typed up my leads from the day, then i checked a few emails, had diner, and then arranged with a frined to play a few frames of snooker.
When i got back i noticed that Leo was howling in the bush, and when i got out of the car, i asked him to come in, and he wouldnt move, he just lyed there howling. I knew something was wrong, so i picked him up out of the bush, and brought him inside. I put him on his feet and he couldnt walk, he just fell to the ground, i reacted with total shock, and confused thoughts not knowing what was wrong with him, because i have never seen him show any illness before, and he has never been to the vets before, but from his continous howls i knew it was serious. My mum started crying very emotionally, so i told her to calm down, and i myself focused on breathing during this whole experience so that i didnt become hugely emotional like my mum, which only would have made the situation alot worse.
I immediately attempted to give him some food, some water and some animal painkillers, but he was not even attempting to ingest any of it. Then i rushed to my computer to find an emergency 24 hour vet number, and as i was looking my mum started screaming in the other room because she thought he was dead already, i breathed remained stable and again told my mum to calm down. I was struggling to find the number i needed which i allowed to make me very angry, i started shouting "fucking hurry up! Fuck!" at the computer screen as it went through to the next page i needed very slowly. Then as i was on the phone to the vets, they told me to bring him straight down, so i rushed Leo into the car, and started driving quickly to the vets, which was only about a mile away. My heart was beating very fast as i was driving, and i kept telling Leo to hold on as his breathing was getting more shallow and he was still howling in pain. Behind the wheel the emotional build up was high, and i wanted to start crying, but i didnt, because again i applied a four breathe count and focused on breathe so that i didnt become possessed by the thoughts and emotions that were coming up. When i got to the vets i rushed him in on a pillow, gave him a kiss and handed him over to the vets, and as the woman at the desk was asking me to fill in some paperwork, i could hear Leo still howling out the back in the surgery room - again an emotional build up hit me quickly when i heard him, but again i did not allow myself to go into it, so i just stuck to full breathes here. I got home where my mum was still wiping tears away, i gave her a hug and told her to breathe, and told her it was just a 50/50 waiting game now.
I was supposed to ring the vets this morning at about 10am to see how he was, but when the phone rang at 1.30am i knew that it would only be to make me aware that it would be best to put him down. When i answered the phone i was correct in my assumption, they made me aware that Leos condition was deteriorating and i was finally asked "can we go ahead and put him down?" when i was asked this question i immediatley had a jolt of anxiety right from my solar plexus, i paused, and i didnt want to cry but thoughts started coming up "who do you think you are?" "you dont have the right to put my animal down" "Leo is a soldier he can pull through" but in the next moment i realized that all these thougts were just my ego trying to cling onto Leo, from all the memories that i have developed in relation to him through the years. Again i pushed and stuck to breathe, not allowing these thoughts and emotions to manifest, but instead releasing them within and as breathe. Then i just said to the woman on the phone "i agree, its best for all he is put down now, i dont want him to suffer anymore". I put the phone down, and again made sure i stuck to breathe, and i continued applying myself within and as breathe for the rest of the night as and when required.
In the morning today on the way to work, i had some thoughts come up of "i still cant believe your gone" and " i miss you already" then i noticed emotion started building again, but nevertheless, i applied self forgiveness outloud for allowing myself to experience this movement, stuck to breathe and released the build up.
This whole experience was obviously tough, seeing Leo so weak just before his demise, and also my mum screaming and crying about it, both of those points i obviously reacted to, and caused movements in me. But i still have not shed a single tear, i calmed my mum down, i agreed for Leo to be put down, and i had a good day of sales at work today, all because of the supportive power of self forgiveness and breathe - if i had not applied myself, then i would have allowed myself to become possessed by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that were coming up, i would still be crying now in a heap of depression, i couldnt have possibly supported my mum, i would have not let the vets put Leo down out of ego, which would have only prolonged his suffering, and i more then likely would have used the event as an excuse to not go to work today -
Anyone who doubts how effective the self support tools offered by desteni are need only look to this or any other billions of examples that people have from walking this process of self realization and self honesty - but rather then try and validate the self support tools from others experiences, best to just apply the tools for ourselves, as the proof is in the pudding
Thanks
I went to work yesterday, and when i finished i came home, where Leo was lying on my bed as per usual after work, and i rubbed my head against his head as our usual hello to eachother. On "appearances" only, he seemed totally fine and went back to sleep as per usual as i typed up my leads from the day, then i checked a few emails, had diner, and then arranged with a frined to play a few frames of snooker.
When i got back i noticed that Leo was howling in the bush, and when i got out of the car, i asked him to come in, and he wouldnt move, he just lyed there howling. I knew something was wrong, so i picked him up out of the bush, and brought him inside. I put him on his feet and he couldnt walk, he just fell to the ground, i reacted with total shock, and confused thoughts not knowing what was wrong with him, because i have never seen him show any illness before, and he has never been to the vets before, but from his continous howls i knew it was serious. My mum started crying very emotionally, so i told her to calm down, and i myself focused on breathing during this whole experience so that i didnt become hugely emotional like my mum, which only would have made the situation alot worse.
I immediately attempted to give him some food, some water and some animal painkillers, but he was not even attempting to ingest any of it. Then i rushed to my computer to find an emergency 24 hour vet number, and as i was looking my mum started screaming in the other room because she thought he was dead already, i breathed remained stable and again told my mum to calm down. I was struggling to find the number i needed which i allowed to make me very angry, i started shouting "fucking hurry up! Fuck!" at the computer screen as it went through to the next page i needed very slowly. Then as i was on the phone to the vets, they told me to bring him straight down, so i rushed Leo into the car, and started driving quickly to the vets, which was only about a mile away. My heart was beating very fast as i was driving, and i kept telling Leo to hold on as his breathing was getting more shallow and he was still howling in pain. Behind the wheel the emotional build up was high, and i wanted to start crying, but i didnt, because again i applied a four breathe count and focused on breathe so that i didnt become possessed by the thoughts and emotions that were coming up. When i got to the vets i rushed him in on a pillow, gave him a kiss and handed him over to the vets, and as the woman at the desk was asking me to fill in some paperwork, i could hear Leo still howling out the back in the surgery room - again an emotional build up hit me quickly when i heard him, but again i did not allow myself to go into it, so i just stuck to full breathes here. I got home where my mum was still wiping tears away, i gave her a hug and told her to breathe, and told her it was just a 50/50 waiting game now.
I was supposed to ring the vets this morning at about 10am to see how he was, but when the phone rang at 1.30am i knew that it would only be to make me aware that it would be best to put him down. When i answered the phone i was correct in my assumption, they made me aware that Leos condition was deteriorating and i was finally asked "can we go ahead and put him down?" when i was asked this question i immediatley had a jolt of anxiety right from my solar plexus, i paused, and i didnt want to cry but thoughts started coming up "who do you think you are?" "you dont have the right to put my animal down" "Leo is a soldier he can pull through" but in the next moment i realized that all these thougts were just my ego trying to cling onto Leo, from all the memories that i have developed in relation to him through the years. Again i pushed and stuck to breathe, not allowing these thoughts and emotions to manifest, but instead releasing them within and as breathe. Then i just said to the woman on the phone "i agree, its best for all he is put down now, i dont want him to suffer anymore". I put the phone down, and again made sure i stuck to breathe, and i continued applying myself within and as breathe for the rest of the night as and when required.
In the morning today on the way to work, i had some thoughts come up of "i still cant believe your gone" and " i miss you already" then i noticed emotion started building again, but nevertheless, i applied self forgiveness outloud for allowing myself to experience this movement, stuck to breathe and released the build up.
This whole experience was obviously tough, seeing Leo so weak just before his demise, and also my mum screaming and crying about it, both of those points i obviously reacted to, and caused movements in me. But i still have not shed a single tear, i calmed my mum down, i agreed for Leo to be put down, and i had a good day of sales at work today, all because of the supportive power of self forgiveness and breathe - if i had not applied myself, then i would have allowed myself to become possessed by the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that were coming up, i would still be crying now in a heap of depression, i couldnt have possibly supported my mum, i would have not let the vets put Leo down out of ego, which would have only prolonged his suffering, and i more then likely would have used the event as an excuse to not go to work today -
Anyone who doubts how effective the self support tools offered by desteni are need only look to this or any other billions of examples that people have from walking this process of self realization and self honesty - but rather then try and validate the self support tools from others experiences, best to just apply the tools for ourselves, as the proof is in the pudding
Thanks
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