Continuing from my last blog, im an arsehole to new staff that are younger then me, I realize I must stop
pre-judging new staff according to their age as being good or bad for the job,
as this is just in my mind and so is not real. And regardless of the fact that
sometimes youngsters are not good for the job that does not justify existing as
this extensive arrogance/superiority mind possession.
I notice that when I see someone falling into the “young
stereotype” then my stance as this arrogance/superiority will become more
apparent, as I will get annoyed that the young staff member is accepting and
allowing a specific path which will affect their ability to work the job
effectively for example: drinking excessively, drug addiction, “love/hate” emotional
relationships etc. Then I will allow it to piss me off that the person will not
listen to me and see what path they are allowing and how they can change it to
become effective at the job.
However when I put myself in the youngsters shoes I see that
I myself did not listen at that age regardless of what an older person would
say to me. So when I see the young staff member accepting a certain piece of
brainwashing that I myself used to allow, which will affect the job, I must
tell the person to stop it, while at the same time not allowing myself to react
to the point where I become this arrogance/superiority character, which does
not assist me or anyone in being able to be physically effective at anything.
Also I notice when a young member of staff comes to the company,
that I sometimes experience a fear of being surpassed by a new young star. Fear
that this youngster will get better at the job then me and then move up the
company faster than me. A fear that I will lose my “sales wizard”
self-definition that I have created for myself, a fear that I will lose the respect
of my staff if this youngster does turn out to be very good at the job.
And so it is from these fears that I notice I justify
existing as this arrogance/superiority character, it’s a defence mechanism
where I will immediately be competing with the youngster in my mind before they
have even started the job, hoping secretly that they will fail at the job
because apparently in my mind “I’m the only young top salesman allowed in this
company”, which explains why I have not been training all staff equally,
because the youngsters I am purposely trying to crush them so I can maintain my
existence as ego and maintain my “company image” as the young, top-shot, sales manager.
So it’s pretty fucked up.
I can see that sometimes I experience jealousy and regret if
the person joining the company is much younger than me when I joined the
company. At 25 I notice it makes me feel old when someone much younger than me
joins, so it’s like a point of Jealousy that they are getting an opportunity in
the company at a younger age then when I started, and regret that I didn’t join
the company soon then I did instead of getting involved with crime. And so
within this I notice that again this is where I purposely exist as this
arrogance/superiority, purposely giving the person a hard time because I’m
jealous of the young age they are starting in the company. Interesting that
when my boss brings on someone younger than me or someone young contacts me
asking for a job, that I will immediately try and talk myself and my boss out
of hiring the person.
Also there is this fear I have of not being heard by the
youth, that my word must always be heard by the youth and that apparently
through existing as this arrogance/superiority character I’m literally taking
up the position of god, demanding that the youngster puts my words on a throne
and follows my every word, and puts theri own words on a throne of inferiority like i do in my mind to youngsters words. I notice I have existed as this character around my
son before.
Which I also notice within this, that I have this point of
being hard on youngster, because of knowing that parents have fucked up the
world, and so within this knowing that youngsters have to take the reins to
correct this reality, as the next wave so to speak. And then within this in my mind I paint myself
as this drill sergeant of correction (arrogance/superiority) that will crack
the whip on the kids to constantly push themselves, trying to toughen the kids up in
preparation for the rougher times ahead for humanity, which I believe may
assist them in standing up for life in the future. However I realize within
this that I’m completely fucking myself because I’m only doing what their own
parents do to them – demanding perfection without showing the child how
perfection operates as myself. I see
that within existing as this arrogance/superiority, that I am not assisting and
supporting anyone in this world to change to what’s best for all, I am only furthering
and enforcing the separation of myself and everyone else as ego as a robotic
zombie of consciousness.
I’m not willing to accept this any further, I change me, I change
this world as me, there is nobody else in the world that I can change apart
from me, I will treat all people I work with as equals, I do not accept myself
to exist in this self-created illusion any further.
Next I walk self-forgiveness/ self-corrective living
commitments to end this self-dishonesty…
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