Day 194: Family Dynamics Part 3

Continuing -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and frustration about my father and grandmother never being involved in my life. I realise that I have held onto resentment towards them both which has had the consequence of separation within and as myself in relation to the word family -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto resentment towards my father and grandmother for most of my life, I realise that this resentment is not supporting me in living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the coldness I can show people, in terms of cutting people out of my life, is a form of imitation of my father and grandmother, where I have built a belief that the best of friends, close friends and family members are supposed to walk away when they are annoyed with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe for years that something is wrong with me, which in my mind has always been a part of why my father and grandmother never were around me - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as strange, and therefore this is what i use as a reason why I should stay away from people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the definition I have created of myself, as a justification to remove people from my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people close to me will leave me at some point, especially when they find out about my family, so just beat them to the punch and block them out of my life first. I realise that this "lone wolf" character is prominent within all this, and so I require to take self-responsibility and stop allowing points of pre-programming in relation to family to keep me in instability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of my family, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself for being ashamed of my family and then trying to pretend that I am not ashamed of my family in complete self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to start a new family, because of never dealing with my reactions to the word Family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save money for years with the intention of starting a new family - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to constantly fear not having money to start a new family.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that trying to make connections with people for my selfish intentions of having "my new family", yet at the same time pushing people away is a pretty fucked up dichotomy to have within myself, so I must do all I can to change these issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have attention from others, to be adored by someone, but then as soon as they react to something about me or my family, then I immediately react, and tell that person to fuck off -  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people that react to me or my family, I realise that I cannot control the reactions of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto bad memories of past relationships, as another reason to push people away from me, as soon as something even very slightly resembles a memory I have with a new person i meet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to jump from partner to partner trying to find this "perfect storm" which i realise does not exist in reality, so rather then letting the pre-program keep running endlessly, I must align this point, I must make sure that I develop communication with a person based on common sense, that I make a concerted effort with people based in physical interaction/feedback rather then pre-programming, so that I can see clearly what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add more layers of bullshit to the word Family, in relation to my son - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my sons mother for attempting to stop me from seeing my son - I realise that this resentment experience will not assist me in my life, so i must stop cycling this resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience immense burning anger whenever I think about people teaching my son bullshit when im not there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy of the fact that my sons mother has started a new family, and continually keeps me out of that family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to her definition of me as being "an evil thing that cant be allowed in the good family" to be real - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what she thinks about me to be reality and then compound my own experience of shame and self-loathing-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound my own experiences of shame regarding family and myself, through believing what others believe and define me to be is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience continual sadness/heaviness within knowing that the only way i can see my son is if i go through a long drawn out legal process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a nonchalance about seeing my son, because of knowing that i have spent so much more quality time with my son then what my father did with me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself since the birth of my son to be competing with my father in my mind for "best dad award" where in my mind there is an ongoing backchat "talking to my dad" trying to "teach my dad" how to be a good father, which again is completely unnecessary separation - I realise that i must make actions as a father based on what is best for all life, which does not include having a constant mental warfare with my father in thought about being a good dad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let family related pre-programming affect my work life, whereby every employer I play a game with mentally -

I join the company, do well at the job, then once I make the company a lot of money, I start quickly expecting "family benefits" meaning making my own rules, demanding better pay for staff, I compete with the bosses, I start using my family as an excuse to not come into work on some days - there has genuinely been many days that my mother or grandfather have been ill, and so ive taken a day off to support them, but there has been equally as many days that i have taken off through using my family issues to create a lie and use it as an excuse to not come into work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect "family benefits" from an employer just because ive made the company a lot of money, i realise that this concept does not align with the "system game" of employment, which demands total obedience/subservience.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bring my home situation into the office - meaning that because i am genuinely the financial head of my family, i expect to have my word respected and listened to by my employers, just like in my family at home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for years to define myself as my own boss/father -  I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compete with ex bosses because of them not treating their staff as family.

Family - Fam-I-Lie, existing in separation from my family, lying to myself regarding my experience to the word Family - existing in dishonesty.

Redefinition - Fam -I -Life

I commit myself to living the realisation, that the word Family, just like any other word, is not separately exclusive to one dimension in my life - meaning any separation i allow within me in relation to a word will bleed into all areas of my life no matter what i do.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to carrying unnecessary shit in relation to the word family - I realise that the living of a word must be equal and one as life here, a physical singular definition based in reality, not in multiple strands of pre-programming - so as and when I see my mind is reeling off thoughts about my family, or something in relation to the word Family, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts as I realise I will only cycle endlessly if i allow participation, so I breathe and continue to do so until there are no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to investigating and getting to the core of any points that i have not covered/or missed here, or anything that i have not yet considered/ new points that come up that come up in relation to family - so as and when i see my mind trying to avoid getting into the nitty gritty of any family issues, i stop and breathe, i do not allow myself to interact with the thoughts, because i know that will only result in no revelation, no investigation, no correction, and instead a compounding of the issue which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to living the realisation that the word Family redefined to me is Fam - I - Life, meaning family regardless of blood/genes is a group that i walk with for a lifetime, a fam of life where we all work together to improve each other in any way possible as an unconditional caring of another - Family.