Day 199: Why am I jealous when they talk to someone else? Part 2

So yes Jealousy, this is a not very cool experience which we are all familiar with, I've noticed a pattern with past partners of having moments of this experience repeating itself through the years. Really what I've noticed every time is that in the moments when I am jealous that the person I like and spend a lot of time with is around someone else of the opposite sex, I either do one of two things -

I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and then pretend to my self that I'm not experiencing this jealousy, and I suppress my reactions, saying nothing about it, but rather just "stewing inside". where there's a mental battle going on in my head that I keep to myself, of  thoughts like - "is she doing that? am i annoyed? no I'm not, yes I am, no I'm really not" then accepting that "I am apparently not" experiencing jealousy in self-dishonesty as the ego, when really I am.

I kid myself that this is effective and that I'm "dealing with it" but suppression never is truly dealing with anything. Then my behaviour towards the person will slowly become more silent, more direct in speech and colder in my general interaction, then if the person "gives me more reason" to experience jealousy, well then I usually just block that person from my life.

Or I react to the fact that this person I like is spending time with someone else, and I tell her about it immediately, complete honesty immediately, but that will usually result in a slowly escalating discussion based in sarcasm with every word, leading into an argument.
My voice gets louder and more direct in speech like daggers, as I try to enforce how "unfair this experience is" that I'm having, and blaming her that "your responsible for this experience" I'm having now.

I mean yeah its always best to bring up any reactions/experiences with your partner as and when they do, but if its going to be from an emotional starting point then that doesn't make sense, because only the inevitable will happen -

Because its interesting that the two ways I've been responding to jealousy experiences in my life thus far has not been effective, I mean seriously - the two routes I highlighted above only end up with me verbally and mentally hurting someone, and the relationship ending sourly. Also because I'm an intelligent and direct being, my ability to fuck someone up mentally is very effective when I'm caught up in some jealousy/annoyance experience.

From the moment of the first point of jealousy I experience towards this person I like that spends time with someone else, my mind begins to trace though all the memories of past partners/encounters, and i use this information to project into the future of what I believe will happen, which is a breakdown of the relationship.

I can see though how this future projection that i accept to be real, then begins to manifest through me physically accepting the relationship to slowly die, not because it actually has to be this way, but just because I was not able to remove this projection and just accept a repetition of the motions so to speak.

I can see that whenever I have had relationships with people in the past, once a connection is made, I become attached very quickly, so it is often based on a neediness experience, which fuels into and works in tandem with this jealousy experience.

I can see that because I have carried an insecurity about myself in my life, believing that I am not a desirable person to have a relationship with, and thus I am always expecting the person to want to walk away from me, so because of feeding into that, i try to cling hard on a person a like, which can be overwhelming.

I can also see that because I have had a lot of sordid onetime sexual encounters, and relationships based on sex, that I believe that once I meet someone that I like spending time with, that whenever they are not around me and I know they are around another male, I automatically assume that they are fucking or working towards some arrangement of fucking, with often 0% evidence of anything I'm assuming.

So there's been a lot of mental dysfunction here, so I'm in a process of learning now, that its best to write, self-forgive, and commit to breathing immediately in these moments so that I'm clear when discussing the point of jealousy with the person i like and generally moving forward in the relationship.

I have realised that whenever I am feeding into uncertainty in  my mind about a relationship with any being to any capacity, that that uncertainty will then manifest into an unstable relationship which does not benefit anyone.

So to me it is clear that I have to remove all the energy from this jealousy experience, deprive it of oxygen so to  speak, until through repeating a new script for myself enough times, i will have stabilised myself nicely within that point, transcending the reactions and pre-programming associated with those reactions.

So lets walk -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy when my partner spends time with another male, regardless of if that interaction is sexual or not. I realise that this experience is destructive and has been occurring in a pattern for many previous relationships with women, which is propelled by my insecurity and lack of trust for human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have gone and defined myself according to this jealousy experience, by repeating my participation with pre-programmed thoughts, which has affected my behaviour in relationships with people of the opposite sex in many ways, mainly resulting in an unstable and eventually broken down relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeatedly pretend that I am not offended when I am experiencing this jealousy in Self-Dishonesty and dishonesty, where I also bullshit myself and everyone around me that "I'm fine, I don't mind" when in reality in annoyed -

 I realise that this self-dishonesty inevitably leads to me suppressing my jealousy reactions, but this suppression ends up with my behaviour becoming more erratic towards that person, where I will become more distant and less responsive to interacting with them, which then annoys that person, and then as soon as I experience any jealousy/annoyance or any negative emotion towards that person again, I will block them and not speak to them again.


So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my jealousy experience from my partner and I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that when I start becoming unresponsive, and cold towards a person that I liked/considered my partner, it is usually because of a suppression of a jealousy experience, where I thought to myself in the moment "I will get you back for making me feel this jealousy", and then I will suppress, pretend I didn't think that, and it will come out in behaviour like becoming more separate and volatile towards that person- fucked up shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm ok" to my partner when she asks in dishonetsy, and to tell myself "I'm ok" in self-dishonesty, but in reality I'm "stewing inside" about reacting to her spending some time with another guy, having all kinds of mental ping-pong conversations about - "is she cheating on me? can i trust her? and I'm stupid for thinking these things about her, of course shes fine, no shes not, yes she is". Then these thoughts become charged and boom shit eventually hits the fan.

I realise that this experience is incredibly taxing,and I have found that once I breathe, remove the enegry, slow down and look at what is happening in my mind I can see how uncool it is to carry this kind of shit in my mind, and what the inevitable outcome will be of participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as jealousy when the person I like is spending time with someone else, and then "confront them in honesty" about it straight away while caught up in the experience. I realise that this is not effective, because I end up just escalating from jealous/annoyance filled words of sarcasm, blaming this person for my experience, leading into both of us being offended, an argument ensuing, no effective communication expressed, and a weakening of the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that I am pre-programmed like everyone to trust honesty, to believe that coming out and saying the truth straight away about my experience is always the best thing to do in a relationship with a person. But in reality, our true thoughts are nasty, and telling the truth to people while caught up in emotionally charged thoughts about them is a bad idea because you are guaranteed to offend the other person.

I realise that before I speak about anything, I must always be myself here breathing, where I am calmly able to discuss the point with clarity, understanding and common sense without any energy involved.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of the other person, and realise how complex, cold and insulting i can be towards someone when i am offended and caught up in this jealousy experience. I realise that when someone talks to me with disdain, unnecessary complexity, and general harshness, I do not want to hear that person speak anymore, so it makes no sense that I would do that to someone I care about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories, intertwined with this new jealousy experience to project into the future about the relationship "inevitably failing" which i then physically make manifest in my interactions and daily participation.

I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to try and hold onto a person I meet that I like a lot, from a  kind of needy starting point, where in my mind once an initial connection is made, I feel almost as though i own the person and thus their movements, which then leads me to become very jealous when they choose to spend any length of time with a different male.

I forgive myself that I've not realised  in all moments that relationships which are best for all, have nothing to do with ownership, because they are unconditional in the support that is provided to each person, so if we are together excellent, if we spend some time apart now and then with other people excellent, that is healthy for any people that like each other, spending too much time with one person  can result in a needy possessiveness increasing, so as I am realising two partners spending some time apart is crucial to develop real trust of a person and in any type of partnership.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insecure about my validity as a long term partner to the opposite sex, I realise that this is a big part of this jealousy experience as I define this person I like, as the "light of my life" where I desperately try to cling onto most of their time or as much as possible, and when they spend time with someone else, I  react as this avalanche of pointless jealousy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically assume that because I have had one time sexual encounters/secret/affairs in the past, that when I meet someone I like and want to spend most of my time with, and they then go and spend time around someone else, then they must surely be fucking or building towards fucking with that other person, and usually this assumption is made without any evidence of what I'm assuming, but just being based on a "feeling".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base what someone is doing to any capacity on a feeling which is not in anyway the same as basing something on physical fact here.

Madness.

I commit myself to not allowing this jealousy experience to dictate how I will live my life and interact with others, i am responsible for how i exist in every moment, so as and when i see myself having jealousy based thoughts in my mind, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage with these thoughts, as i know the cycle that will happen if I do, so I continue to breathe until there is no more jealousy based thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to making sure that whenever I want to discuss something I am reacting to about any person I am in any kind of relationship with, that I must be clear as breathe, where I can apply commons sense real time to the words I'm saying without this jealousy experience taking over - so as and when i see my mind getting caught in jealousy based thoughts, stop and breathe, I make sure that I before I consider discussing my reactions with the person I like/partner, that I am here as myself as breathe where reason can always be worked out.

I commit myself to not seeking and walking into relationships unless I am clear in starting point, and where there are shortcomings in my character that could potentially damage the relationship like this jealousy experience, I commit myself to walking in self-honesty here as breathe, where I will not allow these issues to decide who I will be within this relationship, so as and when I see my mind seeking and getting attached to a certain person, I breathe, I do not allow myself to participate with any attachment and possessive based thoughts, I make sure I am clear as breathe no matter how many times this comes up when I am around this person.

I commit myself to living the realisation that i am only able to have more effective relationships in life, if I am able to transcend any shortcomings in my character which we all have, and this jealousy experience is a shortcoming that I take self-responsibility to end in my life.