Day 29: Working through reactions to being a Parent

So this is something I have applied self-forgiveness on consistently and walked the corrections to the point now where I am only interested in supporting my son as best as I possibly can. Whenever any reactions come up nowadays, I simply focus on breathing and directing myself within and as breath, and being as I have been consistent with my application on this point, I have now developed self-trust on this point where I know before I even get to the next breath that no matter what I will do what is best for all in relation to my son.

When I first found out I was going to be a father, I had a whirlwind of reactions that came up, and when he was born even more reactions started coming up – various self-beliefs, judgements, manipulations, blames all based in various dimensions of fear, anger, jealousy, and desire consistently started coming up throughout the day.

Fear that I will not be able to do this, fear that I’m too young to be a father, fear that I’m going to have less fun, fear that I’m too weak for this, fear that the mother will fill his head with shit, fear that my son will not like me, fear that he will become a criminal, fear that someone will harm him where he lives, fear that I won’t be able to afford to look after him, fear of being a shit dad like my dad, all kinds of fears just started consistently coming up.

I experienced Anger at myself for not using contraception effectively, anger at myself for not planning effectively to have a child, anger at the mother for getting involved in my life, and anger at myself for not having as much money as I wanted.

I Experienced Jealousy towards people my age that didn’t have any kids, Jealousy towards parents that had more money than me, and jealousy towards the mother that she has a large family to support her with the child.

I experienced Desire to go back in time and use contraception more effectively, Desire to disappear to get away from talking responsibility for my son, Desire to not be like my father, and a Desire to not be judged by people for having a son. 

At first when I started looking after him, these kinds of backchats/experiences would massively affect my effectiveness at supporting my son. However eventually I was able to realize that all these experiences I was having in relation to being a father were only existing in my head, and would not actually physically support me to raise my son effectively but instead was making it very difficult and an uncomfortable experience.

So I said to myself till here no further I will remove these internal experiences I’m having in relation to my son and his mother, so that I can be the most effective father possible which is best for all. Anytime I would experience uncomfortability , any resistance I would have towards anything in relation to my son I would write about it, apply self-forgiveness and write corrective statements and when I was next in the situation where an experience came up again in relation to my son, I would stick to breathe instead of feeding into the internal experience. 

After continually walking through points in relation to my son as well as his mother, I am now at a point where it does not matter if I am cleaning my sons shit, feeding him dinner, washing him, clothing him, teaching him words, working with him, whatever it is I focus on sticking to breath and not allowing myself to feed into any backchat/experiences that come up. This I have also done in relation to my son’s mother, and we now have a much more stable understanding because I do not allow myself to argue with her anymore. While we still have disagreements, I know to stop immediately when I see an argument building through sticking to breath as its best for all to avoid debates/arguments.

 

It’s really cool because where I only focus on sticking to breathe working physically with my son, it’s fascinating but even at the age of 3, he notices this, that I show him how to release energy build ups and how to create things with his hands. My son is now able to release emotional build ups that happen when he is about to cry for instance, where i look at him and tell him to breath which I then do with him while I put my hands on his shoulders and after some controlled breathing for a few minutes he is able to let the point go sticking to the physical.

Also he is learning extensively about treating animals/plants equally while he is with me, which is important for any child. My sons mum has a lot of fear towards animals so it is pivotal for my son that he gets comfortable supporting animals/plants as himself so that I support him to support himself to stand when his mother or anyone attempts to project any fears on to him.   

I have had my son living with me the past 2 weeks, and I am having him for a further 2 weeks with assistance from my mother/babysitter. I still have reactions that come up in relation to my son, but through consistent application on reactions towards my son/ his mum I have developed a trust of myself, because no matter what backchat/experience comes up, I know that It is irrelevant to physically support my son, so I breath and release the point. Anytime I have a point that comes up that I have already applied self-forgiveness on which affects physically supporting my son then I know I have to do more writing so that I can do more specific self-forgiveness/self-corrective statements to let go of the point effectively.

For instance fear that my son will become a criminal like I used to be, this fear still comes up now and then, and no matter what justification I give in my mind for this fear, I always know that it is only coming from myself through my allowance and that only through continually applying myself on this point will I completely let go of this fear.

So what I can say completely is that through expanding my understanding and living of equality, I have become a very effective parent. So I have and do find in every moment that allowing thoughts, feelings and emotions based in pre-programming to direct parental decisions only make raising a child more difficult, uncomfortable and generally ineffective. Whenever points come up I focus on making parental decision from a  clear starting point, because as with any situation then the more effectively I support myself, through taking self-responsibility then the more effectively I can support another as myself, and the more consistently I support myself, then the more consistently I support another, which then assists my son to be able to continually support himself to stand as life and this then has a further knock on effect to the next person he meets as the 1+1 accumulation effect which is best for all.

So let’s research, educate and re-program ourselves to become the most effective parents possible so that we can transfer an education to our children which is of the highest purpose and importance in this world – the ability to create heaven on earth with our own hands, which is best for all as any and all can prove for themselves.