Day 305: Impatience in communication

Interesting that in my mind I define myself as being patient, yet I realised this weekend that this definition is an illusion based on pre-programming, because there are moments that came up that showed me I can be impatient particularly around the point of communicating in English with others who do not speak English fluently and effectively.

It is a pattern I have noticed with certain friends I have from a variety of countries who are in the process of learning English.

Currently I have a friend who has a very limited English vocabulary, one of the most limited of any of my friends who can speak English and I have been assisting to build up her vocabulary.

Yet within this I notice moments where I get judgemental and frustrated within having to translate, to re-explain, to correct what the person is trying to explain, to go over a topic multiple times in a banal manner.

Fascinating that when I am working on Technotutor with someone, then I am calm, stable as breathe understanding of the process of learning and everyone having their own learning speed to get to direct integration.

Yet when I am within conversation I get more reactive about inaccurate English communication, this is not just with my friends from other countries - this can come up even if somebody speaks English as a first language but is explaining something in conversation in a manner my mind judges as being ineffective.

It is more frequent with friends from other countries however, its like this defence mechanism as the ego where I don't like that someone can't understand something I am speaking about straightaway or that I cant understand them straightaway.

I am dishonest with myself where I know I am getting annoyed by the moments of miscommunication, but I will pretend I am not or convince myself I am not reacting, when it is clear that I am.

As soon as the first moment of miscommunication occurs, its like my mind reacts in that moment and a timer is almost counting down in my mind begins where I will now walk a process of assisting this person to improve their English, but the longer I stay with them, its like this "support" becomes more - harsh, pushy, rushing, dismissive, judgemental, sarcastic, easier to give up in explanation of what I'm trying to saying, more huffing and puffing, becoming something more akin to an easily annoyed parent or teacher that their child or student keeps making a mistake.

Its like my mind is willing to myself in their shoes, but then this placing myself in their shoes becomes less and less effective from the initial reaction, where eventually I am just purely in my own shoes, making valued judgements as the ego expecting them to do it faster, get what im saying quicker, being shorter with them.

Then once this pattern has started playing out, it only causes friction between me and that person in various moments, because regardless of what language is your mother tongue, the language of reaction is something we can all pick up on - we can all tell when someone is judging us, reacting towards us in someway because this is a universal language of physical feedback that crosses all languages and requires no words to see here in any moment.

I can remember being a child when I look closer at this pattern to a seeding period, when I was about 7 my granddad would always correct me whenever I used poor English - water for instance was a common one, when I would drop the t and say "waer" my grandfather would always interrupt me before i proceeded and would say "wa- TER" emphasising the fact that there is a T in the word water that I missed when I said it.

Or another would be when I would say "I done it!" he would always say "no Marley you did it". There are many other scenarios of words and phrases he would correct me on immediately in the moment every single time I would do it.

He would sometimes tell me that only the best people speak clear English, because he would stress that if you don't do something effectively there is no point in doing it.

He would sometimes make a sarcastic imitation of any slang I would ever use, and would get more reactive with this sarcastic and judgemental stand point if i would ignore his suggestion and keep using the slang. If you have heard the term "spelling nazi" before then that

Also my grandfather outside of the UK, Germany or the United States, was not always the most welcoming towards people from other countries, occasionally resorting to derogatory remarks towards some cultures of people..

Yet as i got older I would become more like my grandfather as I grew to venerate him as my father, without my actual father around and the fact that my father was from another country like Jamaica where a sub-dialect, slang version of English exists and the judgements I built up towards my father growing up.

This is all lead to me holding onto these memories, taking on my grandfathers stance about the use of the English language, especially after he passed away in 2013 - many things he did it was almost like my mind unconsciously was keeping even the flawed areas of his character alive.

So its interesting because this impatience in communication is clearly not something that assists me in living what is best for all life, as it only makes relationships with friends from other countries more difficult, fractious and actually detrimental instead of supportive.

I take self-responsibility here to stop this pattern, so walk with me next time as I continue this point.