Day 225: I can't sleep Part 3

Now we continue the point of not sleeping well consistently, because as i have shown, this is a complex topic for me -

So research is also another thing that keeps me awake through the night, its like an endless desire to know more knowledge about myself and the world I live in, an endless questioning of why the world is the way it is, and an uncomfortability about the point of resting until the pain in this world is cured - 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consistently desire to know more about the world I live in, to know more about myself and find solutions to the problems in this world. I realise that constantly understanding the pain that exists, that wanting to learn new things about the world, myself and solutions to improve things is very cool, but not at the expense of a stable sleep schedule.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that I cannot make the pain of this world disappear instantaneously no matter how hard I try to keep myself awake and vigilant all night, I can only improve what is practically possible within my capacity everyday here - I realise that for all pain to disappear in the world, requires all of humanity to focus on improvement and sustainability together, so I cannot expect more then what is possible of myself as a single being.     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the importance of sleeping in my mind, I realise that sleep is an important part of having a healthy mind and body, so this disregard must be stopped now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard the process of sleeping because I do not have

dreams. I realise that this is no justification to avoid sleeping, because dreaming is not the point of sleeping, sleeping is for recuperation of the body and mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to consistently avoid sleeping, making sleeping more difficult through my own thoughts,and then when I get to sleep, I don't want to wake up, as a result of resisting sleeping so often.  

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment what the dangerous effects of sleep deprivation can be, because if you do your research the data is unanimous - the longer a person goes without sleep, the more zombie like the person literally becomes.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as a pattern of avoiding sleeping, through judging sleeping and the act of "submitting to being tired" as something that is a sign of apparent "weakness" in a person as the ego. However, even though I do not tire easily, I realise that avoiding sleeping if I am psychically tired is just me allowing my ego to dictate to me when to sleep, as if I am apparently "stronger" if I always push through the tiredness that comes up which is bullshit, and as studies show, the effects of sleep deprivation are mentally and physically damaging for the most part, so I cannot allow this self-sabotage to continue.

Within this I forgive myself that I have allowed and accept my ego to dictate to me when I should sleep, where apparently "pushing through" any tiredness that occurs makes me "stronger" in some way, which is not true.

I forgive myself for defining myself as someone that "does not need sleep" as if I am different to anyone else, when in reality I am not, so this definition is stupid, because I do require at least 4-6 hours sleep a day just like everyone else, so I must learn to get this consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sleeping is something which I can do without, because "I am strong" and that sleep is something that is for weaker people to do, when in reality this is a completely limiting concept, because everyone requires sleep - yes we can gear ourselves to have less or more of it, but that does not give me or anyone else more value regardless.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being in a vulnerable state while I am sleeping, to feel like I could be attacked by some form of technology, or my physical body could be harmed if someone broke into my house for instance. I realise that yes while I could be attacked by some technology that effects my mind, and yes it is impossible to defend yourself from physical attack while your asleep -  I also realise that the fear of these things is separation and thus only serves to limit my interaction, which is unacceptable, so I walk a process to to stop this.

I forgive myself for believing that sleep is something I can do mainly when I die - this is not true, as I have pushed the limits of avoiding sleep more then most people, and it is unanimous that everyone requires it during their life - and who says that death will involve any form of sleeping?


I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself to create my own insomnia in my life though fearing sleeping. I realise that being in a self-created state of insomnia, is nothing but self-sabotage, which does not support me in living whats best for all, but instead keeps me in a state of separation from the physical which will not assist me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist physical or mental tiredness that comes up intently, and to actually brainwash myself to not allow myself to naturally allow myself to sleep if I am physically tired.

I forgive myself for defining the process of becoming tired as some kind of untrustworthy monster which is trying to consume me, to "take away my control of myself" when in reality thing is just a defence mechanism of my pre-programmed mind trying to remain "in control" which is an unnecessary limitation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the effects of sleep deprivation in my life, come through as a variety of consequences, such as: short temper, random moments of tiredness in the day, random headaches, and losing accuracy and focus with certain tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of paranoia while trying to sleep about science, conspiracies and aliens, that I developed in younger years from staying round my grandfathers a lot. I realise that the reactions I had to things my granddad would teach me, are not relevant to hold onto in my life, so I give myself license to release these memories.

I forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto memories of worrying about things in my life while trying to sleep from when I was younger. I can remember laying in bed wondering why my mum is so ill, wondering where my dad and grandmother are, why don't they ever see me, worrying about the future. I realise these memories do not support me in living what is best for all like have a stable sleep pattern.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted an allowed myself to hold onto memories from childhood of fearing that my family will cease to exist, that I will be on my own and have to be an adult - part of being an adult is staying up later then children. So I indoctrinated myself with this for a long time, and now it will not help me to maintain this is my mind, so I walk to train myself to change this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react to the increased amount of responsibilities in my life, where I again add more fuel to staying awake all night worrying about the best way to care of each responsibility. I realise that while planning how to handle responsibilities is important, this worrying about my responsibilities while trying to sleep, will only damage my ability to look after my responsibilities effectively, so I must stop. 

I forgive myself for consistently distracting myself form the paranoid, worried thoughts I have while trying to sleep, by immersing myself into hours of computer games or sexuality with a female friend. I realise that playing games and having sex is cool within reason, but neither should ever be used to distract myself from facing and dealing with my mind, so i will walk to re-wire myself with regards to this.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here moment of breathe, that one of the reasons why I have never had a partner longer then a few years, is because my sleep pattern is too crazy for most people to keep up with, as it just causes them to become tired all the time. So I must make sure that when I am interacting with a potential partner, that I get used to pushing myself to sleep earlier, the same way that I have pushed myself to avoid sleep for so many years.  

I commit myself to not allowing myself to purposely force myself to stay awake in a pattern of self-sabotaging behaviour, so as and when i see my mind having thoughts come up about avoiding/disregarding sleep, I stop and breathe, I do not allow myself to engage in these thoughts, as I know the cycle of self-destructive behaviour will continue, which I am not willing to accept, so I breathe and continue to do so until these thoughts do not come up any further.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to be distracted by memories, beliefs and fears while I am trying to sleep, I don't care how long it takes, i will learn how to do this, so when I see my mind moving to some of these things, I stop and breathe and keep myself stable here. I do not participate with these emotions and feelings, I breathe and keeping maintaining myself as this stability of breathing until this shit does not come up in my head anymore.

I commit myself to living the realisation that sleep is a natural process that everyone requires, it is vital for physical and mental health to have at least 4-6 hours a day. So i walk, I change my interaction with sleep to become something that is best for my physical and mental well being, which is an act which is best for all life on earth.