Day 69: I’m so Fucking Stupid – Self Judgement

So today I crashed my car by reversing too quickly, and also in a separate incident I was pulled over by police for checking my phone while I was driving and I have been attacking myself in thought all day about it.

And So both incidents were completely my fault, although being pulled over by the police for using my phone was a little unnecessary as I did have my hands free earpiece in, so I didn’t have my phone to my ear however the officer pulled me over and talked to me regardless. In the end he went “light on me” giving me a ticket to attend a drivers awareness course costing £85 rather than getting a £80 fine and 3 points on my licence.

Then after this I finished calling the bodywork repair centre and also the guy I reversed into who ws actually pretty cool about the whole thing. However when he told me the cost of the damage and I found out the cost of my damage I realised that the damage for the day was £1600. 

It’s been like creeping self-judgement all day, and then when I found out this cost for the day I experienced a 10 ton hammer of self-judgement, where my head was slumped and I was just dragging my feet walking around, feeling heavy, constant backchat that I’m so stupid, and a concept that maybe I’m crumbling to dust under the weight of accumulating recent costs in my life.

So I’m not willing to accept this experience of myself as it does not assist me or anyone in this world in living what’s best for all, so I walk – 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid for crashing my car and getting pulled over by police today.

To not realise within this that I am sabotaging myself within this, literally weighing myself down with energetic weights in my mind crushing myself where I experience myself as a tiny “insignificant” bug purposely squashing myself under the boot of judgment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself as less than life in my mind for making costly mistakes today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within judging/sabotaging myself I make sure that I cannot have an effective participation here in doing what’s best for all, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/sabotage myself as being stupid in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as just “inherently” stupid, when I realize that this is actually true for all humans, we are all inherently stupid through existing as our brainwashing patterns in complete ignorance and separation from physical reality. I I realize that any “inherent stupidity” I currently exist as, I can remove through taking self-responsibility for the experience of myself here and redirecting myself to live within and as breathe to implement common sense solutions that are bets for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that I should be  “impervious” to mistakes, when in fact no human is “impervious” to mistakes in this reality, that’s why the world is so fucked up, so there’s no reasons to believe that I should be “impervious” to mistakes - however humanity as a whole one day may become a lot less mistake prone if we can only mature to support each other’s expression equally in all ways, so I must live the ending of mistakes as myself.  

I forgive myself that I have not realised that regardless of the fact that my actions today were stupid, allowing myself to exist as a void of self-judgement certainly will not assist me or anyone else in anyway to do whats best for all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that mistakes come from miscalculations, miscalculations comes from ignorance, and ignorance comes from my acceptance and allowance of myself as brainwashing, as a pre-programmed robot in complete  separation from what’s here.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive from a mind possessed starting point, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here in all moments when I am driving, to be completely here as breathe fully aware of every consequence to each action I make, to be completely aware of what is happening around me, so that I can direct myself accordingly in the safest possible way which is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and rush to get work done today, resulting in crashing into someone’s car.

I forgive myself that I have not disciplined myself effectively within breathing whenever I get thoughts to rush, as i have seen the consequences of this before in my life and clearly not learned, so I must apply myself consistently, effectively from this breathe forward to not allow myself to rush no matter what I am doing as rushing always results in ineffective and potentially harmful consequences for others.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to judge myself as stupid no matter what, as I realise that this is where I trap myself within a self-sabotaging cycle of diminishment where I become heavy within thought energy and cannot move myself effectively here as breathe to live what’s best for all.

I commit myself to not creating any self-definitions/concepts/beliefs in my mind that I am “inherently stupid” or that I “should not make any mistakes” which I realise that regardless of whether those statements are true or not, there is no need to create and feed into any mental relationships about this which only enforce my starting point of separation.

I commit myself to not allow myself to rush when I am behind the wheel, as I realise that this is literal mind possessed driving which im not willing to accept as it results in abuse.

I commit myself to making sure that every movement I make behind the steering wheel is from a starting point of breathe, where I can utilise common sense decision making to implement the actions of my car to be what’s bets for all. 

When and as I see myself judging myself  as stupid in anyway in any situation, I stop and breathe, I focus on standing equal to any mind movements, breathing through the specific reaction which I repeat until there is no more self-judgement I experience. I realize the consequence of participation within and as self-judgment, which is the diminishment of myself , the enslavement of myself as time looping cycles in my head in separation from physical reality where I cannot support life equally as what’s best for all in any moment. i take self-responsibility to end this judgement of myself, breathe by breathe I release the points and redirect my starting point here, where i live what’s best for all. Commmon sense.