Day 65: I just want to get stoned.

Have you ever had thoughts of wanting to smoke weed or take any substance to try and hide from taking responsibility for a particular point that is here in your life? I have. It’s like trying to blur away something that arises in my life that requires correction which I pre-judge as negative, which I experience annoyance and depression about, through creating some kind of “positive” experience with the use of weed to try and forget about sorting out a problem that I see as “negative” and bigger then me, just feeding into laziness and general procrastination. So I walk - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get stoned from a starting point of seeking to entertain my mind to not have to face what is here in self-interest, where I simply exist as a point of procrastination. When I realize that this is simply separation of myself, whenever I am participating in anything in my life in an attempt to get some kind of “positive” internal experience for myself then I am limiting and defining myself according to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to smoke weed to create a “positive” energetic experience for myself, because of judging something that is here in my life as “negative”, so I realize within this that attempting to move out of the perceived “negative” into the perceived “positive” experience is just a point of polarity I am creating, accepting and allowing which is not actually real it’s just in my head, so this desire for a positive experience through smoking weed is where I am existing in complete separation of myself, and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a point of polarity in relation to problems I see as bigger then myself in my life and weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-judge a problem in my life as “negative” and the experience of smoking weed to be “positive” because it helps me to forget about the problems in my life that I’m pre-judging as negative, when I realize that trying to forget about any problem that comes up in my life is an act of self-diminishment which will not assist me to effectively deal with any problem in this world, because i realize that the only way to correct any problem effectively in this world, is from self-willed movements through breathing, self-corrective application in the commitment to support all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to smoke weed to deal with annoyance and depression reactions I have to certain problems In my life that I see as bigger then myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to forget about particular problems that has come up in my life because of experiencing myself as powerless to stop these problems and seeing smoking weed as a way to make myself “feel better” about this experience of powerlessness in relation to the problem I’m having in my life, when I realize that in self-honesty neither this experience of powerlessness or this want to make myself “feel better” through the use of weed is real in anyway -

So I commit myself to not allowing myself to see myself as “less than” any problem that comes up in my life, because i realize that I am equal to everything that exists here and all I can do is direct myself from a common sense starting point of breathe in all situations and all moments in my life because its best for all. 

And I commit myself to not allowing myself to believe that anything outside of myself can make me “feel better” as I realize that any and all “feel better” solutions to a problem I’m reacting to will inevitably not get to the root of the problem, because a “feel good” “solution” only in fact offers  a temporary distraction. I commit myself to direct myself within and breathe when problems come up in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments that utilising a substance to create an internal experience for myself in the belief that this experience will assist me to deal with a problem that has arose physically in my life is self-deception as an actual statement of insanity, because mathematically it is only my hands, my actions, it is only me here physically that can move and correct anything in my life to what is of benefit to all. I realize the actuality of common sense fact that any and all physical problems requires a physical solution, a mental solution is nothing to do with a real practical solution, it is just distracting entertainment which makes the real problem longer and more difficult to deal with.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize in all moments that when I am saying I accept and allow myself as a thought that something else outside of me, can assist me to create an internal experience for myself that is satisfying and will help me to deal with something in my life. That I am in fact saying the same thing as someone that is walking on the “spiritual path” of light and love ascension delusions claiming that “positive” thought can change this reality, when time and time again this can be proven as false, because all thought is intangible and has no direct ability to do anything on its own, it is only through our acceptance and allowance to participate with thought and manifest those thoughts into actions that thought plays out – so thinking about “positivity” trying to uplift “out there” with a nice “in here” energy building experience will never work. I have realized in my process that change that’s best for all as a real physical heaven is walked within, without and with all physically, so a within experience based in energy is just not possible to make any changes that are best for all.   

I forgive myself that I have not realized in all moments of myself, that using something outside of myself to attain an experience to attempt to forget about something which is happening physically in my life is separation of myself, is an act of self-irresponsibility and  self-sabotage while also revealing fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility for myself through breathing effectively correcting problems that arise as they arise in all areas of my life, instead of procrastinating and disempowering myself in relation to a problem I see as bigger then myself through participating within smoking weed to create a mental experience to hide from this problem. I stop hiding now.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape the reality of what is here through smoking weed to create an internal experience for myself where I do not consider what is best for all but only the fulfilment of what I’m desiring to experience as a movement of selfishness as the mind which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I am smoking weed or doing anything from a conditional starting point such as this, that I am in fact not actually breathing because i am completely possessed by the mind seeking something outside of myself as ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use problems I see as bigger than me in my life as a trigger justification for desiring to smoke weed to escape facing what I’m experiencing, to hide from correcting the problem as best I can.

I realize that there is no valid justification for smoking weed or doing any drug or any activity from a starting point of mind possession. I realize that believing I can hide, and wanting to hide from a “big problem” are both not real, and automatically makes the problem worse through not taking responsibility for myself and for the problem  immediately as soon as it comes up, directing myself as breathe to equate and implement as myself common sense based decision making breathe by breathe.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face and walk out all dimensions of my desires through accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by thoughts to smoke weed for entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when a thought comes up to desire to smoke weed, that the very fact that I’m experiencing this thought then accepting and allowing it, is showing me that I am being completely directed by my desire, as robot of the mind, being directed by consciousness to attain an internal experience in complete separation from the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see in every breathe that the moment I allow myself to be directed by my desires as indulging in my pre-programmed self-interest, that I am in fact making a decision to disempower myself, supressing my expression as life and feeding into the mind, and I realize that the more I feed into the mind, then the more limited and defined as the mind I am, where I cannot make self-directive actions of what is best for all through walking as breathe because i am not existing within what is here, I am existing in total individuality from what’s here as a desire to smoke weed for an experience to hide from a problem.

I forgive myself that I have not realized in the moment that I experience the desire to smoke weed avoid something else, that I must not do it, because it Is mind possessed drug use, and I realize that as with anything I participate in, that if I smoke weed that it is best for all to do so from a starting point of breathe here as a point of physical interaction which can be done as an occasional exercise for self-analysis, it is never best for all to smoke weed or do any drug or activity from a starting point of mind possession, as only abuse can come out of it.    

I commit myself to living the realization that I do not actually need anything outside of myself to “deal with” anything in my life which is affecting me in some way. I realize that “dealing with” anything in my life from a starting point of energy, playing polarity games with myself will be useless. Instead I commit myself to investigate and correct why any problem in my life is affecting me, how, when, where, who, what. Then through detailed self-honest writings, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application of breathing I take responsibility to move myself as stability here, where I can  best deal with any problem in my life in a way that is best for all without any unnecessary mind fucks. 

I realize that I exist as the stagnation and suppression of myself as life within allowing myself to be controlled by the pre-programmed desire to smoke weed to create an experience to help forget about a “big problem”.  I do not allow myself to do this to myself any more.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to define and label myself as “not able to deal with” a particular problem in my life that I have seen as bigger then me, as I realize that this is a deceptive statement of bullshit self-belief and self-sabotage, so I stop.

I commit myself to not allowing a belief that smoking weed will in anyway assist with dealing with any reactions of annoyance and depression I have towards any problem in my life, the only way to assist myself with any problem in this world is to stand equal to it and take responsibility for it.

I realize that within stating something is bigger than me I am disempowering myself, so I commit myself to breathing and not allowing myself to feed into this belief that something is bigger than me in this world within the realisation that I am this world in its entirety, everything that I accept and allow inside me is what I accept and allow in this world.

i commit myself to not allowing myself to create a “negative” polarity connected to this “big problems”  that has come up in my life, and within this I commit myself to not allowing myself to create a “positive” polarity to the idea of getting stoned for a minute to forget about my problems.

I commit myself to not participate in any activity unless I walk as an unconditional starting point as a movement of physical self-expression and interaction here. I do not accept myself to be controlled by my desires for an internal experience to distract me from a “big problem”.

I realize I have feared taking responsibility for myself in all moments of my life as this want to get stoned to distract myself from problems shows, so I commit myself to taking self-responsibility for myself entirely regardless of what has happened in my life. I commit myself to not using any problem I see as bigger than me as a justification to take a substance, because I realize that there is no problem bigger than me, I am equal to all that is here as the physical in fact, and taking any substance from this starting point is total mind possession wherein only self-abuse can exist which I’m not willing to accept.

I realize that the more that I move within and as breathe when problems come up in my life, then the more trustworthy I develop myself as in each moment and each moment to come, to best deal with a “big problem” that comes up as best I can do, facing up to every reality of the problem, and with my hands here working to direct the problem to what’s best for all rather then turning a blind eye. 

I commit myself to re-design myself to take responsibility for all dimensions of my mind, living according to what is beneficial for all life

When and as I see myself having thoughts of desiring to smoke weed to escape from what is here as a “big problem” financially, I stop and I breathe. I do not allow myself to participate with any thoughts in my head, because I realize the consequence here, the consequence is the deception of myself through distracting myself in an experience in total separation from actual real tangible solutions to the problem that’s best for all. I repeatedly breathe wand walk every time I desire to smoke weed to escape from anything in my life, I continue until here no further.