Day 44: Eating as Ego Part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change into and exist as a pre-programmed character when I am eating around someone that I’m meeting for the first time. I realize that no matter who I am eating around, I should be able to remain stable here as breathe, standing equal as the food which provides nourishment for my body without any mental relationships being developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into and as this character by new people I’m meeting over dinner for the first time, and within this I forgive myself that I have not realized that to allow myself to be triggered into a reaction by another is only implying that I am limiting myself according to ego where I am not taking self-responsibility and believe it is the other persons fault why it is that I am existing as this eating character, when in fact I see, realize and understand that this is all of my own design and thus I must correct this as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare how fast I’m eating and what I’m eating to how fast the new person is eating and what they are eating, and to then within this attempt to compete and beat the person in terms of how quickly and how much I’m eating, as if eating is a competition which is complete dishonesty. I realize that there must be no competition within eating around anybody because within competing with others I am allowing myself to feed into and exist as war in my experience in complete separation from physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within trying to eat faster and eat more than the new person is only indicating that I am limiting myself as the male ego where I am literally projecting myself onto the other, attempting to get the person to respect me as a “strong man that eats loads”. I realize that any respect I receive for such a ridiculous action would not be a real acknowledgement of respect as life, but only an acknowledgment based in separation because my own starting point within eating is separation. I realize that it is completely unacceptable to allow myself to project a character onto another so that the person sees me in a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this eating character, which I realize is simply to define myself according to my limited pre-programmed mind, where I am not living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and eat more than my fair share so that the person believes I am a strong man, particularly if I’m around a new female I’ve met.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that existing as this character will heighten my chances of impressing a new female I’m meeting, which I believe then heighten my chances of having sex with this female, which I realize is really insane deceptive shit, actually trying to impress a female through eating loads, which in fact will more than likely not be impressing anyone other than myself. And then within this to try justifying an existence as this eating character, when in actual fact, there is no justification for any mental character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive the person into believing that I just naturally eat a lot all the time, which is not true, in actual fact this is a blatant lie where I’m trying to manipulate the person into believing that I’m “so grateful” for food, and so I’m such a “good person”. I realize that I must stop this immediately because it is best for all to not allow myself to be controlled and limited as a holographic system originating in my mind through my allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to manipulate the other person to like me instead of just allowing myself to eat and not go into the mind about it. I realize that to say that everyone should like me because of the way I’m eating is a complete illusion because in reality no matter what I do I realize I cannot control what another person is experiencing in any moment, and to say that I’m willing to try, is to say that I want to enslave the person to an idea I’ve created and projected of myself which isn’t real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of this eating character, because of believing that if I let go, then new people I meet will think I’m rude while I’m eating and will not like me and thus business possibilities or relationships of some kind may not be able to be developed. When I realize that this is not true, because just eating my food unconditionally as myself here is not rude at all, and so should not offend any new person I meet, in fact presenting myself in a certain way through food as this eating character is much more likely to offend someone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to enslave others to me as this eating character. I realize that while I believe I am in control as this character, that I’m controlling the others perspective of me, that really in fact I am just deceiving myself and enslaving myself according to the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong correction of this character through various justifications and self-judgments, after seeing this character existing within and as me for a long time, as a time loop of consciousness. It’s time to stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body within this character through over eating on purpose, projecting a bullshit idea of “male strength” in eating, which has consequences like bloated stomach, indigestion, constipation or diarrhoea which is not necessary in any way to put myself through.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that there will be other more serious long term consequences from putting my body through unnecessary stress while eating around new people. I take self-responsibility to change this pattern within and as me, which I can see now and in the long run will be best for my body and thus best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must eat everything on the plate as it is “good manners”. When this idea of “good manners” is clearly not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as “bad” whenever I do not finish everything on my plate, which is where I have allowed myself to create a polarity that eating everything is “good” and not eating everything is “bad”. I have now realized that this allowance of these two poles to exist is keeping me a shifting unstable starting point where I congratulate myself for being “good” and attack myself for being “bad”, which is complete self-sabotage as a starting point of separation which must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that trying to present myself as “good” is actually very often creating a “negative” consequence as a bloated stomach, indigestion or diarrhoea /constipation. I realise that if I stop both positive and negative experiences of myself in relation to eating then these kinds of uncomfortable physical effects can be stopped from happening so often.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I show gratefulness for a meal someone else cooks for me through eating all of it, even when I am full which is actually self-abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this eating character, to exist as and relive a memory of when I was young  and my granddad taught me that eating everything on the plate is “good manners”, which I allowed to influence me, where I then through the years developed myself as this eating character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory of my granddad teaching me that eating everything on the plate when I’m a guest is good manner even if I don’t want to eat anymore which is an unacceptable stress to put my body under just to present myself in a certain way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that experiencing uncomfortability in the stomach after dinner is just “normal” from the years of seeing granddad in discomfort after dinner where he had forced himself to eat more then he actually needed. I realize that experiencing pain and discomfort in the body is not something I should accept in any form and being as I am the creator of this discomfort I have the power to stop now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this eating character through believing it represents “good manners” which will then assist with this new person liking me, which is complete manipulation of the other person and is actually abusing my body through “good manners”, when really I realize that it is best for all to not present any “good manners” to anybody because “good manners” do not actually exist in reality it only exists in our minds as something which gives us apparently “more value” then someone that doesn’t use “good manners” when this is clearly not real and not supportive in anyway and so I must take responsibility to end as myself in my world and my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must present “good manners” to the new person I’m meeting which is just separation of myself when this is only existing in my mind and I realize that I should not be presenting myself as anything to anybody.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a memory of my mother saying that eating everything on my plate will make me bigger and stronger, which I realize is a part of where I developed this character, so I now allow myself to let go of this memory now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be bigger and stronger then I am, comparing myself to others, and then believing that forcing myself to eat everything on my plate will get me as close to this bigger stronger image of myself in my mind, when I realize that any desire to be bigger and stronger is purely because I’m judging myself as not being big or strong enough limiting myself as a robot of consciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through eating everything on my plate I will get bigger and stronger, and I must do this apparently because I’m “not big enough”, when really as I have explained this desire to want to be bigger and stronger is not real and so is of no value to participate within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent my mother and my granddad for teaching me these principles, when there is no reason for this because they only taught me what their parents taught them, which is what majority of parents do on automated drive. I realize that while these principles I have been taught in relation to food is bullshit, that it is only myself that can change this about myself now, it is only me that can unlearn the bullshit I have learnt.

I forgive myself that I have not investigated and taken effective action in relation to this eating character until now.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to exist as this eating character, because i realize that this character is completely based in separation as with any pre-programmed character. I realize that this character is limiting myself and my enjoyment of food. I realize that within this character I am not enjoying food physically as myself, but more just enduring food and creating mental relationships in relation to eating.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to trying to not attempting to manipulate new people; trying to present myself in a certain way to new people I meet through eating. I realize that within this I am attempting to manipulate the person into liking me, creating a false image of myself as something “good”, then projecting it onto others, which is dishonesty and separation that I do not accept any further.

I commit myself to not competing with anyone that I am eating with, because i realize that trying to eat more and faster the someone else is basically saying I want to dominate and beat up the person through eating as a starting point of war, feeding into the conflict of all humans here on earth as myself which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to not feeding into polarity as myself through existing as this character, because polarity is based in separation and thus only creates separation. I realize that whether I eat all the food on my plate or not, that does not make me good or bad, this experience only exists in my head and is thus not real at all.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to be defined according to any memories of bullshit principles I was taught by my mother and granddad growing up in relation to eating. I realize that these principles are limiting my expression as life and so I do not participate. I commit myself to not allowing myself to judge and resent my family for teaching me these bullshit food principles, because I understand that they only know what they themselves were taught which is limitation. 

  

I commit myself to not fearing letting go of this character because of a belief that the person will not like me if I don’t project myself as this character as apparent “good manners”. I realize that anyone that would expect me to act like this character while eating, or dislike me just for eating unconditionally as myself is obviously an arsehole that I shouldn’t be participating with. I realize that in actual fact contrary to what thoughts in my head say, existing as this character I can see is much more likely to offend a new person then just eating from a stable starting point of breathe not trying to present myself in anyway.

When and as I see myself existing as this eating character, I stop and breathe. I realize that this character is a complete illusion, does not support me in standing as the directive principle of life. I realize that as this character I limit and separate myself according to pre-programming in my mind where I’m suppressing my expression as life in every way, so I stop realise that abuse this character is based in, and I do not engage as I know where it leads. I remain stable through breathing application when a situation arises. In the moment I repeat trustworthy actions of what’s best for all until this character does no longer exist in any form within me.