So interesting I notice that when I am eating food around
people for the first time I meet them, I find that I change into character while
I’m eating in front of these people. As this character I start comparing how
much food I am eating compared to the other person or persons that I’m meeting for
the first time. And as this character I make sure that I eat more than the
other people or person, and that my plate is clean, which I will say is because I’m so hungry or I just “naturally”
eat a lot of food, when actually in self-honesty I’m existing as a
pre-programmed character where by eating more food than everyone else I am
deceptively making a veiled attempt to stamp my foot of male authority down as
the “alpha male”. Trying to get the person to respect me through the amount of
food I consume in front of them.
I noticed this point while I was in South Africa on the farm,
and I’ve noticed it most times in my life since I started walking my process to
life. Anytime I’m eating around people I’m meeting for the first time, But each
time I’ve noticed it I have not taken self-responsibility to correct the point,
and so as with any pre-program in my mind I have thus accepted myself as a time
looping cycle of consciousness in relation to eating which must be stopped .
This is pretty fucked up because while existing as this
character where I project an idea of myself as this “powerful male” with a
bottomless pit stomach, I have noticed that I often will eat when I’m not even hungry,
when I do eat I eat more than my body requires, too much of one type of food and
too quickly, which has a variety of consequences like bloated stomach, indigestion,
and constipation or diarrhoea.
I can see that this is completely unacceptable because as
this character I am accepting and allowing myself to abuse my physical body
just to be able to present myself in a certain way to others I’m meeting for
the first time. I mean there should be no difference in how I’m eating
regardless of whether I’m around others or not, I must be stable here equal and
one as the physical providing my body with food when I experience hunger and to
an adequate amount of food required, no more no less.
It’s also interesting because when I look at my memory in
relation to this piece of my brainwashing, I can see that I have existed as
this character for a very long time. During my much younger years from the ages
of 6-13 years old my mum and i would eat round my granddads house every other Sunday.
And when we would start eating every single time my granddad would at some
point in the meal say “always remember Marley when you are a guest in someone else’s
house you must finish all of the meal that the host provides, its good manners as it shows real gratitude.”
My mother would agree with this principle, which had the effect
on me where whenever I was full and didn’t want to eat anymore round my granddads
house, my mum and granddad would keep telling me to finish everything on the
plate. My mother would sometimes attempt to manipulate me to eat more through saying
a line that many parents say to their children – “think of all the people that don’t
have any food in the world”.
So after a while I started getting used to the feeling of a
bloated stomach from pushing through the resistance to eat more when I’m full,
forcing myself to eat more until the plate was clean. So whenever my granddad was
round my house, I watched him repeatedly force himself to finish everything on
his plate, my mother would very often have to remind him that he doesn’t have
to finish it all, which he would disagree with every time. After so many years
of seeing this and then doing this to myself I started to believe that
continuing to eat even if your full up is actually “good manners”, and experiencing
an uncomfortable stomach after dinner is just normal.
Also when I look at memories while eating growing up, as
well as the granddad point, my mother would also say something else to me that
many parents say to their children which is that: “if you eat everything on the plate you will
grow up big and strong”. I can see when I look at these two points of memory
that these are clearly starting points for where I began to develop this “ego
eating character” which of course added more and more layers through the years.
I take Self-Responsibility to delete this character from existence
now. In my next blog I will place specific self-forgiveness and self-corrective
statements which I commit myself to live.
Continued…..
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