Day 16: Desiring to "enhance" myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a desire to re-create myself into something “more than” the physical body I have, when in actual fact this desire as a want to be more then what’s here as the physical is not actually real it only exists in my mind. Clearly in Self-Honesty we can see that it is never possible to be more then what’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself within believing that through presenting myself as what society defines as “attractive/perfect” that I am in some way becoming a more “attractive/perfect” person inside, when in self-honesty the opposite of that is happening through the polarity consequence, because I am not living perfection, I am just fucking around in my mind, where within focusing on the positive I only create the negative. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this desire to enhance myself, where I believe my back chat is real, where the consequence is I end up mutilating, abusing my body extensively in order to try and create an image of what is socially accepted as “sexy” and “cool”.

i forgive msyelf that i have not realised that by turning my body into a tool for attracting sex, i am not actually enhacing or changing myself in anyway other then feeding my own ego, existing in separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on making my body as effective at attracting the opposite sex as possible, because I believe I am more likely to get sex if I create a muscle bound image of male authority, without realising that within this I am existing as ego and an idea of myself which is not tangibly real at all, where I’m existing as the hereafter as consciousness, constantly trying to achieve a picture of perfection in my mind, which is separation and thus abusive to life.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that within trying to create myself into an image of sexually attractive perfection, I am actually then saying then my only purpose of existence is sex which is a state of dishonest illusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the want to create a “perfectly” attractive image of myself to others, is actually because I’m trying to cover over the nastiness of how I experience myself inside. It is a way to try and get people, especially females to trust me so that I can abuse them in various ways as a wolf in sheep’s clothing personality.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what sexual perfection is, when in fact I have no clue about anything perfect in relation to sex, all I’m doing is seeing what is presented as sexual perfection of the male in society and then copying this presentation as a state of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire changing my body structure and image to make myself feel better about myself, because I judge my natural body so much, and I have not taken responsibility for the fact that the judgements I have towards myself and others is not actually real, it is only in my mind and it is within applying self-honest, self-forgiveness/corrective application that I am able to actually free myself from judging myself and trying to make myself feel momentarily better.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the abuse I cause to my body in the search to look “perfect” when I see the results of how my body has changed due to the stress I have caused it. In my mind I say “yep it was all worth it, look at how much better I look” and in this way I am existing as a self-abuser, somebody that has no care for what’s best for their own body, just brainwashed as a concept of making my body “good” as what capitalism says is “good” and trying desperately to avoid the “bad” which is unacceptable mind bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a polarity to physical bodies that I see in my life, on TV, in magazines, where I define athletic/muscular bodies as “good”, and fatter bodies as “bad”, which unconsciously is me feeding into the whole system design of humans desire to “enhance” or rather mutilate their own body through surgery/drugs in order to look athletic/muscular.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that everybody has their own specific body structure, so not everybody has a body design for athletic/muscular construct, and that within believing that everybody should look like a model, I am then saying that everyone should abuse themselves extensively until we all look like clones, and within wasting so much time on image i never consider the bullshit I’m allowing, and thus make no actual effective changes that’s best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame someone else for why I’m trying to change the way I look, when how I experience myself inside, how I conduct myself and treat my body is always my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have the free will to decide to do what I want to my body, without realising that within exercising the free-will I believe I have, I give myself permission to abuse myself, to create the “perfect image” no matter what the cost, no matter how much harm comes to the physical. It is unacceptable spiteful shit.   

I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am privileged with the standard of living I have, there Is no need to want to chase some sick mental masturbation image of creating this “perfect” image at all costs. I realise I am supported effectively so what more could I need? A world that’s best for all is needed, but certainly creating a fashion magazine standard of myself, that’s definitely not needed.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a continuous bubble of self-interest where i focus on my own image being so “perfect” while so many suffer in the world, because the real image of this reality is imperfect, its nasty, so within trying to create perfection just for myself I am actually hiding, existing in fear and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in my own skin, fearing myself which is essentially me allowing myself to fear life, which is a fear of death which unconsciously feeds into each and every humans fear of life and death to continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live immortally in the physical, to exist in the same body for aeons of time, and to pursue this desire as my primary reason for being as a state of consciousness, thus as a state of pre-programmed illusion no matter the harm which is caused to life along the way, which must then be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind that a person searching for immortality is on the most amazing life journey to pursue possible, when in fact that is complete bullshit, because searching for immortality is delusion, searching for something outside of self from starting point of self-interest, when all that we are is always here and whether we like it or not, we are going to die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear time running out, to fear my life coming to an end, and to then see my life as a quest to reverse the effects of aging in a constant state of fear about my age, comparing myself to others younger then me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is within my capacity to become more then the physical, when that is not even possible, for thousands of year preaching about something “more than the physical” when in fact still to this day, all that Is real here is the physical, while the metaphysical is not real and is where ewe humans just allow ourselves to deceive ourselves that we know some kind of “special knowledge”, that we can “see beyond” the physical, when this is just consciousness fucking with us because it’s who we allow ourselves to be – an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that the want to become more then the physical is exactly what religious people do, wanting to become “more than man” in the afterlife which is like saying that I want others to praise me as god where I am in control and domination of others as the position of god as “more than the physical”.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy towards somebody else because they have something about their body that I desire. I blame the person for my jealousy, when actually it’s my own fault why I’m experiencing this jealousy, it has only happened through my own allowance, which I am able to realise and stop within slowing down as breathe in the moment of experiencing myself as jealous of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of comparison with others around me, where I’m weighing up potential sex partners, and weighing up potential threats to my chances of achieving sex. Within this state I am existing as a state of self-deception as the mind, where I cannot even enjoy life, because I’m so busy in my mind judging myself and everybody else. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can turn a blind eye to reality and make my reality beautiful through trying to sculpt myself into the “perfect image” and that I can in some way cheat death through trying to become somebody else famous, when neither is actually possible.    

I forgive myself that I have not realised that while I am spending money and time harming my body to create an image that makes me feel better about myself, there are billions in this world that are being harmed physically daily, and these people are not being harmed  for a mind masturbation, they are being harmed because they have not money.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that my physical body being directly abused is not an acceptable form of entertainment, because abuse is not entertaining it is disgusting bullshit as rape, war, starvation and nature abuse proves.

I commit myself to not allow myself to waste my life in a self-interested pursuit of turning my body into an item of sexual attraction because this is unacceptable abuse to life which is not actually real.

I commit myself to the living of the realization that all of who I am here is this body, is this breath, as life as all that is here equal and one. Anything else that I perceive, believe and define myself as in my mind such as believing I must enhance myself is not actually real but is simply a pre-program.

I commit myself to this process of birthing myself to life, I commit myself to not allow any backchat about mine or other peoples bodies sway me from living what’s best for all.

I commit myself to stopping comparing myself to others in a constant state of judging myself and others so see what’s “good” and “bad” about others, as what I desire and don’t desire about myself and others. 

I commit myself to the realization that any backchat I have come up about my body or other peoples bodies is not actually real, because no matter what reaction I have, the fact of the matter is that I am a flesh and bone being here, and so is this other human, anything about the physical that my mind reacts to is not real.

 I commit myself to the realization that within trying to enhance myself into some kind of super sexually attractive, immortal god-like being I actually just exist as ego and a fear of not being attractive and immortal which is just a fear of dying, and so is is completely unacceptable.

I commit myself to correcting any reactions in my mind or my physicality about my body structure, so that I can experience myself as comfortable as this body, where I then do not compromise my body in the name of trying to beat it into a a model image.

 I commit myself to not allow myself to believe that I can become more then this physical body, more than the physical, because it is not actually possible, and the want to be more then life is simply saying I want to control others which is unacceptable abuse of life. 

I commit myself to not turning a blind eye to reality within supporting such abusive shit as cosmetic surgery, because no matter how “perfect” the image I present myself as is, it does not change that the fact that this world is a very ugly place currently, exactly the same as we humans are inside.

I commit myself to finding a solution to correct the ugliness of this existence to create a world where perfection is an actual living for all. Thus I commit myself to the walking of equal money as equal money is the solution to create heaven on earth as actual perfection.