Day 394: Annoyance at Silence

Are you giving me the silent treatment? It's a classic statement we have all heard before and it really is fascinating when you look closer at your life and see places where you have got annoyed with someone who seems to be ignoring you, being silent when you know they are thinking things that they are not telling you. 

We seem to enjoy playing these games with each other, the reason it is called "silent treatment" is because it so often works, It can cause reactions if we allow it to.

I have noticed a pattern recently of getting annoyed at people who rather then giving me clear answers, communicating with me directly - will avoid talking to me, facing me and will just stay silent about their true thoughts.

Someone cancelled an appointment on me recently, which although it annoyed me a little bit, the main annoyance came when I started calling/texting them immediately trying to find out what the root of the issue is and they ignored me, like every call/text they ignored increased my annoyance, so I just spewed a load of my annoyance at this person for not being clear with me 

Then a few minutes after reacting, I asked myself a question - regardless of if what I'm saying to the person is true, why am I so annoyed about their silence? What else is going on here? Then I realized as with majority of times I see instability in myself in my life, it is because the person I am reacting to is actually showing me a mirror. 

It was a mirror I was looking at, because I have many times in my life enjoyed cancelling on someone then giving people the silent treatment - when I scanned my life timeline to see when this last happened, it was actually very recently. As an example there is an energy company that really want me to switch to them, they have been calling me, emailing me and sending me loads of stuff in the post.

Each time they call me and I don't pick up I get this maniacal smile, knowing that they might be getting annoyed at my silent treatment. I've had this with friends, potential partners and business meetings before too, where I cancel meeting them and will ignore the persons questions about why I did that again with that smile on my face - enjoying the energy of watching them jump around in annoyance about my despondent and abruptly ended interaction with them.

I can see when I look back further, to when I first developed this idea I realised around 7 years old that it would annoy me when my mum or any adult doesn't give me an answer to a question - but that I could manipulate all these adults into an emotional reaction through not responding, which of course gives a feeling of power as a child. 

Also me and my grandfather loved watching spy movies together where silence often saves someones life in the film, he would sometimes remark during the film about his government experiences - how him or someone he worked with either messed up by speaking out or fixed a problem through silence. 

Then the combination of my families crazy history and the reactions it would bring out of people that I told growing up, by teenage years I would almost prefer not speaking about my family. The value building in silence. 

Then also in teenage years I got really into films and a few films came out which strengthened this programming, Zatoichi, Sonatine and Brother all films made by Takeshi Kitano. With all Kitano films generally speaking there is a silent character in the film who is a gangster or a samurai and it is their silence that annoys others and  there is also always underlying points around silence saying more then words.

Silence as strength (film spoilers) - In Sonatine the Yakuza boss after all his gang are killed goes on a revenge rampage with a machine gun in complete silence and kills himself in silence after. In Zatoichi he is a blind samurai who uses silence to annoy and draw attacks out of the bad guys as well as heighten his awareness in sword fighting. In Brother he is a Yakuza who speaks no English living in America and ends up becoming close friends with a black guy even though they speak no words to each other during the whole film.

As with many teenagers my use of the silent treatment was becoming very effective with people and it was really Takeshi Kitanos films that enforced this through my teenage years - like I'm this cool silent samurai that does his talking with his sword, I don't need words and I am actually strengthened and can solve problems through my silence. I also remember that when I first started really questioning my life and the world around 19/20 age, I got into a group called Enigma who I still enjoy, but fascinating that one of my favourite songs when I first started listening to them was "Silent Warrior". Mind fuck.

  

Interesting that we humans do this so often, where we blame someone acting in  a certain way for why we are experiencing instability, when the only reason we are reacting pointing the finger, is because we are projecting onto others what we are actually doing to ourselves.

The silent treatment is abuse, it is designed to cause reactions and mental trauma in others, so its crucial to remove it from myself and stick to breathing when others do it to me. I cannot control what others do, only how I conduct myself and so I walk - 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in annoyance when others are purposely being silent when I am asking them to communicate, not realizing that it all comes back to self even though my annoyance is directed at the person. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise  that the reason I was so annoyed at this person and usually get annoyed anytime someone goes silent on me, is because these people are showing me that I myself have not dealt with my own issue around playing silent games with people and therefore don't like it when someone does it to me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that malicious silence is what destroys relationships, it is the antithesis of the development of communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the only time being silent is supportive is if there is actually nothing I have to share in self-honesty. However, when there is something to say and I'm not saying it, thoughts, feelings and emotions I'm having but not communicating then I am willingly abusing the person which is unacceptable. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is never valid to blame my annoyance on anyone else, because I know it is always my responsibility in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to vampire energy from people through using silence to get enjoyment out of the annoyance this causes the person I'm cancelling on/avoiding/not responding to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love it when I'm using the silent treatment on people but hate it when Its used on me as a complete hypocrite, creating a polarity friction which only keeps me in separation and feeds into the separation of all humans in this world to accept the same bullshit in themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity friction where its good for me to annoy others with the silent treatment, but not ok for them to do it to me which is an illusion in my mind, thus is not real and thus is not acceptable to live as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I actually use the silent treatment a lot, yet I must develop the understanding that if the starting point of the silence is energy/self-interest its unacceptable. I change the starting point as me, from energy to here as this breathe in common sense where I only utilize silence when it is a benefit to all life in any scenario.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I have actually been using the silent treatment in an abusive way on people in my life for much longer then I realised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that I first learned how to use the silent treatment to mentally abuse others when I was very young as it enabled me to "even the score" with adults that didn't respond to something I said or didn't give me the answer I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe its ok to copy someones abuse of silence when I'm offended, rather then living a solution of not allow the abuse of silence and only using silence as a support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence to harm people mentally since a young age, which I learnt from how easily adults could annoy me by not giving me the answer I wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy using the silent treatment on other people, because of enjoying interacting with the secret mind in silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so annoyed when the silent treatment is used on me, because of seeing myself as important as ego, therefore my mind is like "how dare you ignore me" lol. When I realise that while yes I am important so is all lives in this world and therefore the silent treatment can be used on me just as with anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to not tell a friend, business partner, love interest or acquaintance that I don't really like them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to not face a problem I should fix with someone, knowing full well that the problem will not fix itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence as an excuse to string along a company when I have no intention of buying from them and so should just tell them that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use silence abusively to try to manipulate someone to "feel sorry" for annoying me in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that no matter how much I act like there is "nothing to say" there is always a load of backchat behind why using the silent treatment in the person in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that we are all programmed by the system in place to ignore people that we find annoying, to give them the silent treatment, when really if someone annoys me that should indicate I need to communicate with them, get myself stable instead of suppressing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of spy films and government secrets with my grandfather as a kid, which I see only added value to this pre-programming of this value of using silence for personal gain. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of the amount of times people have reacted negatively when I talk about my families history, where through the years again this added more layers to the onion that its better to be silent about it even if it annoys others, because making my family this mythological secret is so cool lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of connecting myself to the main character in most of Takeshi Kitano films growing up, where the main character always uses silence to his benefit in someway. I see how holding onto these memories limits me in living whats is best for all life, where I abuse silence just to satisfy my idea of myself in complete separation so I let the points go by walking them out of my flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this silent warrior, yet when I am self-honest, being silent all the time and/or someone who creates war is not cool and makes no sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this silence as ego, this purposely trying to cause annoyance through silence is a strength, when actually it is weakness because someone who uses the silent treatment a lot could be doing so out of not having the words to express as equals -  I notice also how anytime we do not have knowledge in something, we prefer to stay silent rather then saying we don't know it, our education system has brainwashed everyone to believe they know everything and not admit when they don't know something because it feels bad to admit we do not know something.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is this silent treatment we are all giving to each other, these stupid ego games trying to make each other react - this is the reason why so much abuse goes on in silence, the innocent suffer in silence while we play our little mini silent mind games, how fucked up is that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that silence really can be a support, to clear myself as deep breathing here - that way I don;t just endless spew the first thing that comes to my mind, I take a few moments to scan the scenario, apply common sense in silence and then speak

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that It is possible to support others through silence when it is done in a way that is best for all - as an example if I have a friend that is in a very stressful situation and is communicating with me, It is best for all that I am silent while they are sharing themselves, because when I am silent as breathe here, not silent waiting to speak - then I can really support my friend with the best solutions I can. Silence is needed to listen effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that it is possible to support others through silence in a way that's best for all, when someone I know for example is demanding responses from me not to support themselves, me or anyone else here physically, but only to satisfy their ego in self-interest.

 

I commit myself to not allowing myself to react in annoyance when someone is giving me the silent treatment as I realise it does not assist me at all, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts come up in the moment I stop, I stick to breathing, I do not participate with the thoughts, just continuation of breathing until there is no more thoughts here.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to use the silent treatment on others for my own selfish energetic purposes, so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to play the silent game with someone, I stop and breathe and continue to do so until eventually no matter how long the thoughts do not come up again.

I commit myself to living the realization that silence is abusive when the starting point is selfish, yet when we adjust the starting point silence can be a great support throughout our lives so that our words have more common sense and certainty of meaning.

I commit myself to exposing the silent treatment and its devastating abuses in this world through calling it out and living as the example of what I would like to see, which is silence as support not abuse.