Day 393: Getting Affirmative Confirmation

We all enjoy to be told that we have done something well, that our endeavors are acknowledged, but thinking I need it in order to be stable doesn't make sense.

So I did an interview the other day and I said to Miles after recording - I'm not sure I said everything I wanted and then on the journey home this question kept eating at me - what was it that I didn't say? Then it came to me that I wanted to discuss more about how our DNA is a microchip.

As soon as I realized what missing point I wanted to cover more, I started judging myself, questioning have I done wants best for all or not? Should I tell Miles we need to re-record? It was a mentally uncomfortable journey home, questioning my starting point for doing the interview in the first place.

Then when I got home and I watched the interview, more strong reactions came up when I started looking at the comments on the video. I knew there would be some strong reactions to what I was saying in the interview, so I was not surprised but annoyed at anyone accusing me of talking shit in the comments.

Just like in my head after the interview where I'm looking to justify why i did the interview at all, I then started "defending myself" in the comments trying to justify the interview.

As I'm responding to people I'm thinking "are these people right? Did I say something worse then I thought? Getting paranoid wanting to be seen as good and not evil, being annoyed at people reacting negatively to me.

While this fiasco was going on in my head, I was awaiting feedback from Avery and Cameron and freaking out loads about that too - What if they don't like it? Will they ask me to take it down? Will Miles be difficult if I ask him to take it down? How could I miss the point of DNA being a Microchip in an interview where microchips were discussed so much?

Then as I'm flapping away its getting late, I need an earlier night as I had an early appointment the next day, yet I was so annoyed that "I couldn't" sleep until I got some affirmative confirmation lol, I just kept going over things in my mind. Hannah supported me to calm down, as she asked me what was my starting point for responding to negativity in the comments, she said maybe you can do a follow up to cover anything I missed, and she highlighted how many times she has made a song and then started freaking out just after it, worrying if its good enough, thinking something must be missing, doubting herself.

Then while we were chatting Avery said he enjoyed my interview and immediately I experienced further relief that someone I respect a lot gave me a thumbs up, Hannah was like yay its all ok now lol. She said trust their feedback and trust yourself, then I shared the Interview.

Then she watched it and liked it, so its cool to get words of support for a project we do - but being unstable, uncertain, doubting myself and getting annoyed at others until I get that confirmation doesn't make sense. My starting point was to share my perspectives on the world and share TechnoTutor with people, which is all geared to support all life, so why would I doubt myself?

So now I need to walk any patterns out here, because the work I do is not easy work as it is, so I cannot make my own work more difficult, as I continue to build more people will attack me and I must remain stable through the storm - I have to learn to trust myself, to trust that I have been honest with myself applied common sense, seen whats best for all and then taken action. Yes my mind will question me whenever I create something, when I make a big impact in anything I do, it is my responsibility to keep myself stable never anybody else's, whether anybody likes what I do or not is irrelevant as long as its beneficial to all life and I enjoy what I'm doing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breath that while it is cool to be given a thumbs up when we do something cool, there should never be a scenario where I'm reacting in emotion, being unstable until i get that confirmation because that is complete separation of myself which will only limit my interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately doubt that I covered everything I wanted to say in the interview straight after and getting annoyed about it once I realise there was something I didn't cover.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not covering every single point that I wanted too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that through believing the interview "would have been better" if I covered this point, I created a polarity friction of "its not good enough now" because i missed something which is nothing but a delusion feeding into the same delusion within all of humanity which is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that being annoyed about "not covering everything" was really a control issue for me too, where im like a spoiled brat throwing his toys out of the pram because of not getting what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe anything i create that has an impact is not valid until my network tell me they like it, highlighting a self-worth issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes think I am not good enough until somebody tells me, which is remnant programming I have carried from a system where we are all taught that our value is in how many people like us which is then manifested as the Hollywood system of celebrities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be seen as good, to boost my ego yet at the same time desiring to have people challenge me so I can get energy from a debate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people challenging me for the sake of my ego wanting the energy of backing someone down in a debate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initially get annoyed that I had more dislikes then likes, when really I should have expected that as what Im talking about was not designed to make people "feel good", it was to physically support people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for a justification for why I did the interview, which would have been clear if I stayed clear, if I didn't overreact and then reacting negatively to people reacting negatively to my interview, defending myself and justifying my stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish everyone could see things the way I do right now, yet when I am self-honest I know that we are all walking a process, we all are where we are in our lives and realisations occur everyday, learning never ends for any of us if we embrace learning everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sometimes forget how easily I can make people react due to the resonance of the words I use that are built into my flesh, it can pull emotional reactions out of people very quickly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the reason I was reacting to people in the comments a lot, was because I could see a mirror reflection of myself in the peoples comments, where I had a similar perspective to some of these people in relation to vaccines and microchips, I didn't understand them when I was younger because I didn't have the vocabulary to truly process what they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that sometimes I desire to take the bullshit out of peoples heads for them, by reacting in the comments and engaging in "mental warfare" completely disregarding the fact that you can never "change someones mind" I cannot change how people react to me, so interacting with people from this starting point does not support me in living what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and assume my business partners and friends would automatically be having a similar uncertain experience about the interview that I initially was having, when none of them actually did lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own shit onto physical reality expecting others will be reacting the same as I am, fascinating that we desire that at times as a confirmation that the shit feeling we have about something we did is really valid. when really as I breathe and step out of the emotion, it is clear that nobody is reacting as badly as me about the point. Just over dramatization in my head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over dramatise something in my head which is a tiny or even nonexistent issue to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise in every breath that there is always a solution, so there is never any point freaking out over anything we create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt if what im doing is best for all, which comes from knowing in self-honesty that I am not a self-perfected being yet and I realise that the more I perfect myself, the less questions like this come up, because when when you live something, when it is built into your DNA you don't need to question if you do or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt I have done something well, I accept myself to expect the opposite that I have done it right, which I will have done if I have considered all in an equation and given my best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this idea that I'm so humble, so I can't be over confident, I must down play my successes, which is unacceptable self-sabotage, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to self-sabotage through this idea that I always have to be hard on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always believe that I have to be hard on myself, when yes we all need firm direction at times, yet I must enjoy the fruits of my labour -  so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to celebrate and enjoy my successes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that its ok to have an initial reaction when you make a movement in life, the bigger the movement the more reactions there can be - yet dwelling on it will never assist me in living what is best fro all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a soldier on mission awaiting confirmation from HQ that I've completed the mission effectively lol. I realise in self-honesty that while confirmation is cool, I am the best gauge of confirmation myself through making sure my starting point is self-honest applying the equality equation which always shows me clear feedback

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that my ego will always doubt me when I create something that is best for all life, try to scare me into staying limited, to remove the support.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to start doubting myself awaiting positive confirmation before allowing myself to be stable - so as and when I see my mind starting to freak out after I create something, I stop and breathe I realise in self-honesty the game my mind is playing, I do not engage with the thoughts, I keep breathing and continue to do so until there is no more thoughts that come up.

I commit myself to living the realisation that when I live what is best for all life in every moment, then there would never be a question of my starting point in my mind, I know I can perfect myself step by step.

I commit myself to exposing any desires for confirmation from others, through standing as an example of certainty, where the equality equation always gives me the best way to cross reference for myself here in self-honesty.