Interesting I notice that in recent years, I always end up having a crazy night on Halloween, where I desire to be in the most Demonic Halloween setting, like the more serious the group of people take Halloween the more I want to be there and have a wild party of some kind, like Halloween stands in my mind as the best holiday to show the craziness of us humans and our lives.
Now in previous years I never really celebrated Halloween much, nor many holidays really - but when i look closer I see a pattern that developed some years ago around 2013, it was in October when my grandad died not long after Bernard died - I don't think I had ever felt so fatherless and confused about what i'm supposed to do in my life before i die.
I remember feeling like the most important people to me were slowly being pulled away, taken to some place beyond the darkness of death where I can no longer be with them. I wanted excuses to forget about life so to speak.
I have always been known for not being easily shaken about death, but after my grandad and bernard died in a short period this new level of ghostliness about death came up within me, I started desiring just being around things that remind me of death, staring harder than usual when i drive past a cemetery, watching films with a dark tragic story, listening to sad music very often, wearing more black than ever before, this sort of love affair with sadness about life/death developed, and going wild on Halloween became another outlet, an excuse to exist as energy in self-interest.
This past weekend despite having work to do in the morning, my mind shifted and i went out dressed up with some friends as demons, I was V - we went to a huge Halloween party and played lots of games, made new friends, danced around to music and got really drunk.
I didn't actually sleep that night and as it got to around 9am, while the party was still going on, some people were passed out around the house, I just had a realisation about why I am always so set about partying so hard particularly on Halloween, I see the energy system that comes up every year at halloween. I went to leave despite some people asking me to stay and skip work.
As I walked home with a pounding headache, my clothes were disheveled and my ability to work for the rest of the day was compromised and ineffective. On any other day of the year when I know I have work the next day, I would never party like that.
I asked myself during the day - was that worth it? Now while it was a fun party and cool to meet new people, I know that many of them likely won't remember much of what happened due to drugs and alcohol - so it was clear to me that no it was not really worth it, so why am I letting myself be directed by this energy system desiring wildness at Halloween?
Having fun at Halloween from a clear starting point of what's best for all is totally different to going wild from a starting point of separation in self-interest as energy.
So I make note of this event, I take on the ending of this self-sabotaging system where i can physically walk out the pattern via self-forgiveness - As i see that I am the beginning and ending of this, so only me here as this breath can transcend this pattern which diminishes my awareness - I stop so that next halloween I live what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an energy system of wildness on halloween, where I will disregard responsibilities and my bodies well being just to have a crazy party where I dress as a demon, with others dressed as demons feeding into demonic behaviour with each other.
Join me next time as I continue.
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