Day 278: I hate being wrong when I think I'm right

Well we all like to say, oh we are all wrong sometimes - but when you are told this directly by someone how do you react? You know that reaction you sometimes get when someone tells you directly that you have done something wrong, some task  - and you feel like "what is this person talking about? I think I did this right, its their scoring/judgement of my work which is flawed. Why can they not see it from my perspective".

Its this feeling of an alleviation of responsibility because of the belief, the thinking that I did something right so now I'm offended your suggesting otherwise.

Fascinating to consider though that if I really did know I had done the task in perfect alignment of the word - then there would be no "thinking i did it right", there would be no emotional response when someone says I did it incorrectly because I actually do know down to the muscle that I have done it correctly.

The ego is fascinating like that I find - its only when we are halfway to learning something, yet we feel we have a better understanding then what we really do in physical reality - thoughts cloud our direct knowing and we get stuck in this stage of incompetence while believing we are competent within our pre-programmed mind consciousness system where the ego derives.

I had a moment at work this week which reminded me of this point, and in the moment it was interesting because my ego created this justification defence mechanism of - well I'm not a robot, I do make mistakes, so let me blame your analysis of my work instead because you are also not a robot so let me now find flaws in your system as you are looking at mine.

Very personal, lots of words were exchanged and a half an hour debriefing ended up being over an hour as I vehemently stated my case and defended my point.

This is something that I have seen in myself many times before, something I still need to transcend, to align into consistent self-honesty so I need to investigate further.

I see my grandfather immediately, like I do with many points in my pre-programming growing up in this world - I rarely saw my grandfather admit he did something wrong, and anytime I saw him being wrong about something, or someone accusing him of being wrong - as is common with someone scientists he would passionately argue his case, criticising the other persons case and would never believe any thing was true which could not be quantified scientifically so it can be tested right here now - its like you literally have to do a giant experiment in front of him before he will consider he possibility that his point is incorrect, even if it ultimately is.

I remember so many moments, one that just came up was onetime when we were cycling in the forest, then at one point we were cycling along a road, I remember him pulling out in front of a car while we crossed the road -  the car didn't hit him luckily, but he immediately blamed the person driving the car, which I joined in on,cursing and breaking down their apparent "stupidity" even though in hindsight pulling out in front of a car when your cycling is a bad idea.

He was like my father growing up but I can hardly remember him ever admitting to doing something wrong, or especially not without a fight first - so this is where I first learned to do this.

But he was right so much of the time, so when you venerate a person in youth, you just fill in the gaps and think they are always right anyway - I see how in my mind also with Bernard this had an effect in younger years because I also venerated him and he was also rarely wrong about things he would speak about - and just like my grandfather in moments where he may have actually done something incorrectly, or miscalculated for a second I still would defend his decision.

I remember onetime Bernard was saying that a certain car is better then another one and someone there was disagreeing, but of course even if Bernard was wrong statistically about this point, I still agreed with Bernard and so just by virtue of knowing/venerating my Granddad and Bernard its like my mind was brought up believing it knows a lot which is true, but had the effect of rarely admitting to not knowing something, especially if its in relation to one of my professions at the time.

So I must walk out this hating of being wrong, this hating admitting being wrong abut something, because when i slow down and breathe I can see with common sense that not admitting when i do not have direct memory access to something is pure self-deception and can only have consequences of fuck ups, while breathing, forgiving my reactions to being wrong can only assist me to accept that we are can all be wrong at times, especially if we are not a master in the field, which is where I will actually learn from my mistakes and align myself to have direct memory access.

Join me next time as I continue this point...