Day 269: Wanting it, but not wanting to create it.

Do you notice how many moments in our lives where we are desiring something to be done, yet we resist and avoid the point of taking responsibility to create the thing your wanting? Its a pre-programmed pattern.

I've seen it in loads of things I do in my life, for instance - cooking. For many years I would avoid the point of actually cooking food, not wanting to walk the process needed to make the food I'm desiring to eat, but rather talking my mother or a girlfriend into doing it for me, or paying someone for a delivery to my doorstep, or going to a restaurant so someone can cook me what I want - "luckily" for me all those people have enjoyed cooking more then me for the most part.

If I ever had to cook, it would always be the most effortless ready meals and I see how in my mind as the ego for a long time saw cooking as some form of slavery in terms of the creation of it - because of seeing the whole point of needing to eat food in the first place to sustain my body here stupid. Then of course my ego does not accept that I am a slave, does a king cook his own food? No. therefore obviously I can see how my mind was defining myself in relation to food.

This point of kingdom, king on the dome, its interesting because I have noticed that in moments where I have more money, the thoughts to avoid cooking come even stronger.

Also the whole point of certain dishes taking hours and hours to create, yet being confused in my mind why I would spend so much time on creating something that will always equally come out my ass as shit. 

In the past 6 months though my daily environment has changed and its amazing that when your in a different environment on your own though that you have to look at yourself, there is no avoiding it and It really puts into perspective what an issue having this resistance to cooking is - after a few weeks of stubbornly trying to keep this idea going that I should avoid cooking.

I started seeing after a few weeks that I was eating way too much fast food/deliveries and I was actually even getting angry a bit if there was nobody around to make my food, taking no responsibility for what my body was eating really.

After a few more weeks went by, I said to myself  - fuck this shit, this is stupid, why am I having this stupid pattern of avoiding cooking controlling my decision making? I am going to change this now.

I started learning, asking people like my mother or friends who can cook - how do I make this dish? What process do I need to follow? I kept sticking to breathe despite the thoughts continually come up to avoid cooking.

Every time I breathe through these thoughts, they dispersed and I created the meal step by step, to give me the outcome I want of filling my stomach - I have continued this process, to the point where I enjoy cooking now, expressing myself as cooking where It satisfies me to know that I have built this tasty dish from scratch, I often sing and dance while I'm cooking which I have found makes the process even more enjoyable.

Yet I still have moments like earlier today, where the thoughts to avoid still come up, I remained stable as breathe and got the necessary cooking done, but It reminded me that I still have more walking to do until these thoughts are fully transcended so that whether I am cooking or not tonight, I will always remain stable and expand the enjoyment of taking responsibility for creating what I want with my hands instead of just trying to skip the process.

Its like making anything better in this world, we have to embody the change we want to to see, we have to literally create what we want with our own hands - that is what cooking now serves to remind me of everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a pattern of wanting food, but not wanting to create it. I realise the limitations of this concept, which has kept me in separation of myself and has caused the consequence of literally having to spend money or shout at people to cook for me.

I forgive myself that I have defined cooking as a form of slavery, because while yes having to sustain the body with food is imprisoning from the perspective that nobody can avoid it in this world - It is this point itself, it is still here nonetheless, so what point is there is being consistently unstable about this fact? None -- I see when I slow down as a breathe that it makes sense to express and enjoy myself within cooking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a king that is above the "slave like act" of cooking - See how In reality I am no more important then anyone else, therefore I am equal to this food that needs cooking, I am literally composed of what I eat, therefore I should always be open to rolling up my sleeves and creating my food everyday - yet that is not to say that others cannot cook for me sometimes, I can enjoy that too, yet there is no need to ever have an issue with cooking myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself in the past to not just want food, but always want others to do it for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify not cooking based on how much money I have - when I have more money I notice that the desire to avoid cooking is even stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to increase my avoidance of cooking in the past based on how much money I have.

I forgive myself for not realising that while I have a life of dignity I can create enjoyment within cooking through a multitude of ways.

I forgive myself for being confused about why I would ever want to spend a longtime cooking when the food will always come out as shit.

I forgive myself for not realising that yes while some dishes take a long time and all equally come out as shit, that is no justification for not cooking at all and it does not mean I have to always try cooking the most complex dishes when I am cooking - because I can always adjust my cooking times by doing more simple dishes based on how much other tasks I need to complete in the day.

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that I can only understand how anything works when I have actually done it myself - cooking is such a great example of that in this world.

I forgive myself that I have not always allowed myself to see and understand that I must experience something I want/and or need, through the process of creation with my hands, not emotions and feelings.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to fall into a pattern of consistently avoiding cooking again, as I realise the limitations of this pattern - so as and when I see my mind having thoughts to avoid, wanting something and not being prepared to create it, thoughts to be lazy - I stop and breathe I do not allow myself to engage, I keep breathing until these  thoughts do not come up.

I commit myself to always being open on any day to building all my meals throughout my day, even if i am not in my house and enjoying the process.

I commit myself to living the realisation that I ma what I eat - therefore It makes sense to always be taking responsibility for the creation of what I eat, as often as possible, or if someone else is cooking then offering assistance if necessary.