Day 267: Pushing it to the limt and Self-Judgement

Its fascinating how geared my mind is to "pushing things to the limit" and judging myself when I'm not - I just realised this today, I have realised this before but perhaps not paid attention to the consequences or made the necessary adjustments in my living to see the limitations of "pushing things to the limit all the time.

Its like when I'm at work, I want to spend the most hours of anyone else on the project, when I'm working out I want to work as hard as possible until I am struggling to breathe and everything in my body hurts - I must complete my set regime regardless of how tired I am, I want to type until my fingers are sore and then keep typing, I want to fuck as hard as possible, I want to put as much effort into everything I'm passionate about, and squeeze the completion of as many things as I can in a day - If I don't feel physically and mentally tired at the end of the day, I don't feel "like me" in someway, I see this limiting self-definition I have in relation to this.

Ok its pretty cool that I can give me all in whatever I'm doing, because it is definitely true in life that the more focused, the more passionate and determined you become to complete something, then through the law of attraction you will often make it work.

But where does this all come from? This insane drive to keep going? It's interesting because a lot of the pushing of myself will come from the moments where I need to rest, where my physical body just says - no more, relax and sleep now please.

However my mind does not accept this, my mind almost immediately judges myself when I spend longer then a few hours relaxing - what are you doing idiot? Get up and complete your mission parameters, stop being lazy - these persistent thoughts that come with robotic regularity.

Some of this is a result of my life and the responsibility I have had to shoulder at a young age, always having to be on standby to help my mum or granddad with something.

Its like because I always know there is always something else that needs fixing, so there is a pattern of automatically judging myself, when I am not pushing myself to the max and completing something, which is where I basically do not enjoy my relaxation moments, because I'm having this self-judgement. 

Then I see how because I'm always trying to do as  much as possible and doing everything as hard as possible, when I eventually get to sleep (which is never earlier then 1.30 am) upon awaking I just want to stay in bed, this morning for instance - I woke up at around 11.30am, as Sunday tends to the day in the week where I can relax in bed all morning if I want.

The day before was one of many tasks being completed with as much effort as I can as usual and I didn't end up sleeping till around 5am, so sleeping in today and allowing my body to recuperate is cool -  I woke up at 11.30am, then gave myself a further hour of sleep, so I didn't wake up till just after 12.30pm.

Yet what was it that woke me up ultimately? Self-judgement - from the moment my alarm goes off, no matter what time it is, my mind starts judging myself - quickly get up! Stop being lazy!

Bernard for instance told me before me that sleep patterns are fine to be adjusted to 4-6 hours a day and that with so many problems in the world we cannot waste too much time sleeping - 

I've always agreed with that, which is why for years I have only ever slept 4-6 hours, yet I have misunderstood because yes 4-6 hours of sleep is fine for any person from my perspective, but realistically it must be adjusted based on how much physical and mental effort we exert during the day, to realise when our body and mind needs more recuperation and give it without judgement, because continuing to push ourselves when we need to have some more relaxation is a form of self-abuse. 

Yes there is a fine line between taking a break and procrastinating, and it is this constant fear of slipping from a practical moment of relaxation into lethargy and procrastination which my mind is always trying to avoid, the fear that when I take even a moment to relax I am missing something that requires my full attention and effort.

I must learn to be gentle with myself, to understand and realise the limitation of always pushing
things to the limit, trying to do more all the time - I realise that sometimes I do need to push as hard as I can in something, but sometimes I need to be gentle, to go slow, to allow myself to relax and enjoy that relaxation for long periods if necessary, which enables me to see things that I could not have otherwise realised here.

I must learn to enjoy my moments of relaxation with no judgement of myself, I must be aware when I am pushing too hard, or not pushing hard enough, I must always be stable as breathe regardless not moving from ego, I must give myself moments of relaxation in balance with getting things done with my full effort - and I must make sure that I live the realisation that I am flesh and bone, therefore I do require moments of rest and thus any pattern of self-judgement in moments of a break will not assist me.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not physically pushing it to the limit in every single moment of whatever I am doing, I realise that it is not possible to push all the time, no matter what thoughts come up I must allow moments of relaxation in my day - I take self-responsibility to remove this judgement of myself during moments of relaxation, as I realise the relaxation itself will enable me to recharge, which then enables me to complete things more effectively as I will be well rested and thus less prone to mistakes.

Join me next time as I continue this point..