Day 192: Family Dynamics

What does the word family mean? Well according to the dictionary there is two main definitions -

1: a group consisting of a two parents and their children living as a unit.
2: all the descendants of a common ancestor.

I'm looking at all the dimensions of the word family in my life, because i have noticed a common thread in majority of my pre-programmed patterns, which come back to the word family - relationship issues, work issues etc. problems with the word family seems to bleed into all areas of my life.

My family in my mind has always consisted of three people - me, my mother and my grandfather. So a small family, and while my mother and grandfather brought me up in a beneficial way, to the best of their ability, so iv'e always cared about them massively - my mind however has been a rocky ride in relation to them.
For many years growing up for instance i associated the word family with words like confusion, hard work, weird and fear. I would get confused about some things my grandad would say to me, or confused about why my mother is not with my father and with this guy instead. It was hard work understanding my grandfather sometimes, hard work looking after my mother when she gets ill. Its weird how my mothers illness works, my grandad says a lot of weird stuff. Im afraid my mother is going to die, I'm afraid my grandfather is going to die, and then what family will i have left? -

these thought then in turn have affected how i interact and react around other people. I can remember for instance many times growing up experiencing judgements and jealousy when i would hear people talking about their family in a positive way - Like my brother and sister did this for me, my family is so big, we went on holiday here, my mother is so healthy, my grandfather is still alive and kicking etc. Anything like that which i hear from a  friend or an associate has always caused me to go into jealousy and a form of mild resentment in the back of my mind towards that person because "i dont have those things, and you are a lucky motherfucker to have them". This is still something which comes up for me to this day, and so i must take self-responsibility and walk these problems out of existence.  

My father and grandmother for instance have has never been involved in my life, so i have never associated them with the word family - However its fascinating that within my teenage years a lot of anger and frustration developed within me regarding my father and grandmother, i resented them both for not being involved in my life, yet at the same time through the years i almost mentally tried to be them, in terms of being as harsh and cold towards people as possible.

So even though they were never around, my father and grandmother were still influencing my thought process a lot - now while i have resolved many issues in my mind/interaction and life regarding my father and grandmother, there are still moments that come up where for instance i will not care about being around someone, where i will be as cold towards someone as my father and grandmother have been towards me. Its like when someone pisses me off in anyway, i am always ready to block that person and cut them out of my life at the drop of a hat. Sometimes i will try to confront the person about what they did that pissed me off before i block them, or sometimes i will just block them without even attempting to discuss and resolve the situation.

Or for instance with relationships in my life, its like i will quickly see a person as someone that i could expand my family with, so straight away i'm usually fucking up mentally by seeing this person as someone to be a vessel to help me "deal" with my fears about my family dying, and as a conduit to fulfil my desire to expand my family - so i will shower that person with as much attention as i can in a short space of time, which most find overbearing, while at the same time fearing that once they find out about my past and my family, they will not want to know me anymore. Fascinating how we can so easily look to relationships to try and deal with the mental shit we are going through, when really we are just avoiding taking self-responsibility for whats happening in our mind, and rather looking for a "quick fix".

So i find that because i expect for a person to literally run away from my family when they hear the stories, its like as soon as they react to something i say, or they judge something that i would not, or say an ignorant comment - i then start mentally and physically avoiding the person, i get memories of being mentally hurt by women in the past in my mind so i start thinking things like - "if they are ignorant enough to believe that, then it will break down inevitably anyway, and i have been hurt before by women that i thought would stay around and didn't, and  i do not want to experience that again, so its best i severe ties now before i get shocked". Then i go about my way giving the next female attention, looking for a "perfect storm" partner which does not actually exist - so its really fascinating how these various pre-programmed dimensions of the word family have been involved in relation to relationships in my life.

Then my son for instance add more layers to the pre-programming around the word family - i for instance have spent a lot of time with my son during the first 6 years of his life, yet in the past year, the mother has made it increasingly difficult for me to see him, because she is married and has another child now too. So in her mind i am a nuisance to her idea of the perfect family, and she has always been annoyed about me not wanting a relationship with her, me having very different principles to her, and how much fun my son has when he is with me.


So it has caused me annoyance and sadness to know that most likely the only way i can see my son again now, is if i go through a long legal process, and fascinating also that in my mind because my father was never around in my life, this has caused a nonchalance within me, where i think to myself "well ive spent so much more time with my son then my father did with me, i taught him so much more, had a lot of fun, so if i never see my son again, i will still be happy knowing that i am a better father then my dad" So again its fascinating how my father (family), and me competing with him in my mind for "best dad award" is causing more mental issues that need to be resolved.

Or if we look at how family affects my work life which i have covered in more detail in recent blogs - where i literally walk into companies expecting that i should be taken care of as a family member by the owners, competing with the owners, that they should acknowledge my hard work and then give me and everyone in the company "family benefits" meaning making my own rules within the company.

And because of being the current financial and physical "head" of my current family, and other reasons like being my own boss/own father, i literally tell bosses to go and fuck themselves if they don't start looking after their staff as family, allowing flexibility and increased pay opportunities, which inevitably gets me fired from the company or me just walking out.

All of these things are not assisting me to live whats best for all life, but are rather diminishing me, so all of these things indicate i have plenty of corrections to make in my life in relation to the word Family, so join me in my next blog as i continue to walk.