Day 133: Why do i always expect people to leave? - The Ronin Lone Wolf always walks alone Part 3

 So continuing from my last blog -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this "Ronin Lone Wolf" character in my mind, where I always expect and almost hope that people will leave me. I realise that while comfortability with being alone is cool, accepting this character which compromises relationships with other humans is not cool, so I'm taking self-responsibility to end this character now.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that through allowing this character I am existing in complete separation from the physical, regardless of how "silent" things can feel as this "Ronin Lone Wolf" character. So within this I forgive myself that I have not realised that this "silence" I experience within and as this "ronin lone wolf" character is not a real silence, because it is a self-created, fabricated isolation, which is not real silence, which is proven by the amount of noise existing on the planet currently. I have realised that no matter how long we attempt to hide away in our "isolated silence", the longer we accept the point, then the more deluded we become, and the more difficult we make it for ourselves to interact with people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define samurai's as being cool in my mind. I realise that through defining samurai as cool, and growing up seeing loads of samurai and martial arts films, where it is always portrayed that the samurai enjoys being on their own, and a ronin is a samurai that enjoys the silence more then anyone because he is a master less samurai and cannot be bought. Lone wolf was one of my favourite samurais in films, and obviously the animals wolves are known for howling when they feel alone. It all equals - its cool to be alone -- so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by films and wolves to be part of creating this "ronin lone wolf" character within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a person that is "supposed to be alone". I realise that this is complete self-deception, which has been born from this "Ronin Lone Wolf" character - where I believe that my life experiences, family and knowledge is enough to scare anyone away from me.I realise that while I cannot change my experiences, my life or my family, there is no validation of existing as any character from the mind -- because as this character I'm existing in complete separation from physical reality, so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life experiences, family and knowledge will automatically mean that people don't want to communicate with me for prolonged periods of time.

I forgive myself that I have not realised, that it is through this belief that people will automatically not want to be around me, that has created a justification of this "ronin lone wolf" character in my mind, I realise that there is not justification for such an allowance, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify existing as a character in separation from the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought "So when is she going to leave me? Thats what people do in my life, so its just a matter of time". I realise that this thought was created through my allowance of a "Ronin Lone Wolf" character in my mind, where I see myself as being "better off" on my own.

I forgive myself that I have not taken action sooner to delete this "Ronin Lone Wolf" character, as I realise that this character was a contributing factor to breaking up with my partner - So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk into a relationship with another while this character is still existing within and as me, because this kind of character is detrimental to developing any effective long lasting relationships with people.

I forgive myself for not discussing this with my partner at the time and rather suppress the point. Now while I did share my backchat with her, this point was a back door that I didn't open up too much, which I regret now, so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret about not highlighting my problems with this character with my ex partner, I realise that this regret does not assist me now in living what's bets for all, so rather then regret, I will learn instead.

I forgive myself that while I was in this relationship, that existing as this "ronin lone wolf" character was keeping me in separation from myself and my partner, where it was always inevitable that the relationship would end because I wasn't walking it one and equal physically as myself. And within this I forgive myself that I did not realise earlier, that while I am allowing this character to exist, then it verifies that I should not be in a relationship, until I am able to transcend this character in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to often tell my ex partner that she could leave me if she wanted, which was manifesting from my acceptance of this character always wanting to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a negative connotation to relationships in my mind through existing as this "ronin lone wolf" character, where I sub-consciously see the point of a relationship as being a "nuisance" to my "silence" -- so I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to see relationships as a nuisance. I realise that relationships with people is not negative or a nuisance in reality, these ideas only exist in my mind, because in actual fact the ability to create relationships with other beings, is one of the most important points in creating a world that's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that a relationship only means exactly what it means, nothing more - the way in which two or more people are connected, connection between other beings essentially. Also within the construct of the word there is a hidden message - a relationship, is actually a reliable ship which is sailing along no matter the weather, and which was created through two people consistently and openly relating to each other - relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always must do things on my own, I have realised that this belief is being generated in my mind through this "ronin lone wolf" character. I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that while re-creating ourselves as caring and efficient beings is our own responsibility, in terms of moving things in the world around us, there is only so much we can do in this world on our own -- everybody requires assistance with a point at some time, and if a person requires the assistance or not, any problem in our mind or in the world around us, is much simpler to solve with other people involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sub-consciously believe that anyone that is not a Destonian, is automatically not going to be able to commit to working together with me on any point, so I should therefore expect them to leave. I have since realised that commitment has nothing to do with whether one is a Destonian or not, but is purely a matter of whether a person is really pushing to make or change something - anyone can be committed to walk a point for a lifetime, if one is determined and dedicated to see something through to the end no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word Alone with the words positivity and peaceful in my mind, where I constantly see being on my own as something good and relaxing. I realise that Alone only means exactly what it means, to be on ones own, there is nothing more to it then that, so anything else I have connected to the word is just in my mind and thus not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments that the word alone, actually explains a hidden meaning within it - even when we are alone we are all-one, because in reality it is impossible to really ever be on ones own, because we are connected to all things.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself growing up as being alone, based on my family that I felt very disconnected from growing up. It was all accumulating and adding layers on top of this "Ronin Lone Wolf" that I have accepted as myself for a long time, for most of my life it seems I have been believing that I am alone and I always will be. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this "ronin lone wolf" character is something "unchangeable" within me, when I have proven to myself so many times that anything can be changed about myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that while this character was developing and maturing within me at a young age, it was three points in my youth that is really where I see I created this "ronin lone wolf " character. -
when I was 8, I had the realisation that my father does not want to be with me. After I realised this I remember being at school and feeling left out in a conversation with friends as they spoke about having fun with their dads, I felt really alone for the first time. Then soon after in my life, my mother was rushed to hospital as she started bleeding uncontrollably, and at the time inexplicably, I remember standing in the reception of the hospital, blood everywhere and people rushing my mum into an operating room while I was standing there. I remember thinking that she will die and without my dad I will have no parents - I am alone. Then after this, while my mother survived, she became severely disabled having to stay in hospital for weeks at a time, and during this time I would stay round my grandads house, he was a reclusive ex scientist, and the more time I spent with him, I noticed his enjoyment of his own space, of privacy and secrecy. It was at this point where I first started to see being alone as something good, something to be proud of, because he did and he was the most father like figure I had growing up. He only married once and never had another relationship since, he generally seemed to speak of relationships negatively and they almost seemed like a sign of weakness to him sometimes - and the layers in my mind just kept building onto this character from this point in my life.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto, charge and connect specific family memories with thoughts feeling and emotions, which is stupid, because as long as I have allowed this, then this "ronin lone wolf" character has existed keeping me in separation from whats here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud of existing as this "Ronin Lone Wolf" because of the fact that much of this character was developed and matured through copying my grandfathers perspective on being alone growing up.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in all moments, that cooperation within my interaction in this world equals beneficial movement for all, while isolation within my interaction equals separation and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that while it is easier to slow down and analyse each step I take, each thought I have, each movement I make with my body, when I am on my own, that does not justify feeding into the "ronin lone wolf" character. Also I have realised that the more used to It I get at having clear self-introspection in all moments whether I am with people or not, then the easier it will be in all moments to not be affected by my surroundings and be able to see what is happening inside my mind no matter the scenario.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to always go at my own speed in everything that I do, to never want to move at anyone else's speed, because the "ronin lone wolf"  in my mind slows down or speeds up for nobody. Which when it comes to working with others is not a beneficial point to allow inside myself, because it is selfish and makes development of the relationship difficult.    

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I am with other people, then I will have to compensate, change something about my schedule, sacrifice something I'm enjoying doing to benefit this person in some way. In my mind the "ronin lone wolf" never changes his schedule for others, so I can see the separation here and I'm not going to be allowing it to continue.

I forgive myself that I have believed that this "ronin lone wolf" character  is something noble, brave and almost spiritual, where I believe that I am at my "highest point" of peace when I am on my own, and that "walking my own path" is an honourable and spiritual thing to do, which I have defined myself as in the past, and which is complete bullshit actually. So within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to romanticize this "ronin lone wolf" character as as samurai style cleansing experience in my mind, when really there is nothing special about this character, it is just separation like any pattern of the mind that is not creating a beneficial outcome of participation in the world.

Join me next week as I continue  -