Day 131: Why do I always expect people to leave? - The Ronin Lone Wolf always walks alone.

So recently my partner and I mutually decided to not be partners any more and to instead just be friends as it is more practical for both of us at the moment. We had been together for around 8 months, we have been friends for about 5 years before that, and we are still friends now.

We agreed that both of us have a lot of stress points at the moment, as my mum is very ill and she is dealing with lots of legal problems from her ex partner. And while I wanted to find ways to assist her with her problems as much as possible, and I did as much as I can, she was finding it difficult with my problems, and actually was blaming herself sometimes for my mothers heart attack and increases of stress. Our relationship was also long distance, we lived around 35 miles away from each other, which although I didn't see as a major problem because my son lives 143 miles away and I'm used to travelling, and although we had spoken a lot about living together, we were finding it difficult to see each other when we wanted too.

There was also other points that were causing friction, for Instance with her children, I mean if I would see them doing something that didn't make sense, then I would give them direction in the moment the same way that I would do with my son. But obviously these aren't my children, so this was occasionally causing friction, because if I would give them direction on something that their dad wouldn't, or that she slightly didn't agree with, then my direction would really only cause difficulty between me and her, because if her son reacted to my direction, then the focus was more that I had "done something wrong", rather then the reality of the situation, which was that her son strategically uses emotional manipulation to get what he wants from her.

Having said that, I do have a habit of being overly forceful to get my point understood by another person sometimes, so this came out sometimes with her and her kids - when I could see that something made no sense, I would occasionally be too forceful in trying to make it better, or over analysing the point. I found that giving someone else's child a "fatherly direction" word can sometimes be difficult, and I noticed that I was putting pressure on myself to be some kind of "super dad", doing as much activities and learning with her kids as possible, which was sometimes strange for her kids as they were not fully used to my type of parenting, mixing playtime with learning all day -- because from mine and her perspective, her children's fathers' were not providing any form of beneficial education or important fatherly responsibilities. However with my own son it is easy, because obviously he is used to my direction, used to my parenting, and I don't have to "tread carefully" with the direction, or experience a feeling of wanting be a better parent then someone else.

Also there was a friction in our sleep patterns, because she is used to sleeping early, and I am used to sleeping late, and although I did my best to sleep as early as possible when I was with her, I could tell that she was straining herself sometimes to stay up with me, even when I would tell her to sleep if she is tired.

Also at the start of our relationship months ago, I got her pregnant, even though she was on the pill. At the time we both mutually agreed to get an abortion done, which we did. But after the abortion there were physical health consequences to her body, and she kept mentioning after the abortion that she thought the abortion was a mistake and we should have kept the baby - so there seemed to be some subtle ongoing blame towards me for that also.

However despite all these points, we had many moments of supporting each other, having fun together, travelling, learning together and also we had a very cool sexual communication, so we both enjoyed sex a lot. But within all of these points, and during the whole time we spent together there was a thought that kept spinning around in my head - "So when is she going to leave me? That's what people do in my life, so its just a matter of time".

So literally for the whole duration of my relationship I was always waiting and expecting our relationship to come to end in my mind, right up until the point of discussing ending the relationship. And since we ended the relationship, I have been questioning myself more regarding this point - Why do I always expect people to leave me? Why can I not be fully content with another person? -- Enjoying every moment with them, rather then waiting for them to leave. I mean going into any relationship expecting the person to leave you really indicates that you should not be in a relationship currently, until you are able to transcend this point.

Iv'e realised a lot of things recently regarding this point, and I realise that it is a point I have been existing as for a long time - its like this concept in my head that I always have to do things myself, that I am this ronin like lone wolf character that is "better" on his own, and that nobody really wants to be around - therefore in my mind sub-consciously I have been seeing relationships with a  partner as something "negative" because a relationship does not provide energy to this "ronin lone wolf" character -- I mean I literally would sometimes say to her in moments where we had a disagreement of some kind, or even sometimes if we didn't have a disagreement, that she can leave me any time she wants to if she's not satisfied with me or doesn't see development in the relationship - which in hindsight now I can see was actually me allowing this character in my mind to try and get the energy that it wants and is obviously not supportive for a partner to hear.

Also the point of commitment is interesting here - because although I know that I can commit to a point and see it through, I have this belief in my head that most people, or anyone that is not a Destonian cannot be trusted to commit to a point - cannot see something through to the end for the sake of beneficial improvement, therefore I should always expect people to give up in the face of adversity or difficulty. Now while this world is full of people that give up easily, because humans are used to taking the easy way out and giving up is easy -- this world has many people that are able to commit to beneficial improvement on a point, so really this makes no sense that I have had this shit in my mind.

Now while there is factors in my life that do make it difficult to have a relationship with a person, all this stuff I have been blogging about today, is really highlighting how much more difficult I have made it for myself. So there is multiple points here that I must walk out as well as redesigning my understanding of words like: Alone, Relationship etc - in order to be able to live what's best for all and actually one day be a fully supportive partner to a person, so join me next week for that.