So before walking my process I could not admit what I was
afraid of, I always presented a “fearless” character to people as much as
possible to try and manipulate specific feedbacks from people.
And today I was
having a discussion with a female friend, specifically about the topics of hair
and make-up. And after discussing these points for about 15 minutes she started
reacting a bit when I stated that she is afraid to cut her hair and not wear make-up,
she said she’s not afraid to cut hair or not wear make-up every day, she just doesn’t
like to.
It’s something which is very interesting to note, because
anytime I discuss a topic with a person whether female or male that’s related
to what the person has placed value on – then majority of the time most people
will never admit they are afraid of the topic being discussed even when the
feedback clearly shows they are.
Instead we allow ourselves to get defensive about what we
fear, as if it’s not really existing, what most people will say is that they “don’t
like” something. However I have realised that whenever ever I state “I don’t like”
something its usually ego talking, it’s my own limitations communicating, which
of course sprouts from fear within and as the pre-programmed mind, and whenever
I have attempted to defend my brainwashing it is always revealing that i fear
to lose the particular point I’m valuing above what’s best for all life here.
It’s like we fear losing a part of ourselves in some way,
when in fact as every destonian proves for ourselves, whenever we remove a
point of brainwashing through self-forgiveness and corrective application of
breathing, we realise that we never actually needed the point of brainwashing,
because we are still here, I the belief that we “needed it” and “couldn’t live
without it” is just in our heads.
So this is something that I have developed during walking my
process, it is an “ability” to see fear within me immediately and to admit ot immediately,
openly with myself and others, instead of distracting myself from the fear. So I’m
now able to be actually honest with myself about when I’m experiencing fear, why
I’m experiencing it, where did I first experience it, how I’m experiencing it
and what I have allowed to cause this reaction of fear within and as me.
But it wasn’t always so for me, I used to deny my fears
daily, and we humans tend to believe that when we are afraid of something it
means we must be absolutely petrified physically out of a fear of dying in a
situation. For instance if a wild hippo was charging towards me with its mouth
open, I know I would be afraid, petrified, everyone would, obviously, anyone
that says they would not be experiencing fear in this situation is just talking
shit as ego as the mind.
But what I have seen for myself is that a situation that can
induce massive fear like a hippo charging towards me is not the only instance of
fear, there are so many different levels of fear that come up in our day to day
living because all we have ever known is fear.
Like say for instance a situation where I purposely try and avoid
cutting my hair, where I try and validate long hair in some way. Now while I may
believe in my mind that I’m not afraid of cutting my hair while having thoughts
that “I don’t want to cut my hair”, in self-honesty I know I fear cutting my
hair, I mean when I look what is behind any “don’t want” or “don’t like” in my
life I always find fear and then ego trying to justify, blame, deny this fear I’m
allowing. And everything we humans allow ourselves to be is based in fear,
every decision we make is based in fear of losing our idea of ourselves, fear
of being without our precious valued patterns.
We believe that we are protecting ourselves from possible
threats to our personality by fearing it at some level of the mind, when in
fact we aren’t protecting ourselves at all, we are diminishing ourselves,
separating ourselves, making sure that our decision making continues to be
dictated by the programing we have existed within and as our whole lives for
the rest of our life.
So it’s really cool to be able to admit I fear things now,
because it is within first admitting, seeing that I fear to lose something I believe
I own, this is where I empower myself to stand as a self-responsible being,
empower myself to take self-directive action to correct this fear, as I have
found out for myself that in order to really change and let go of fear about a
certain point I’m existing as, I first have to understand me, I have to accept
the fuck up of myself. If I cannot come
to terms with who I really am then then
any believed change of fear from this starting point will guaranteed to not be
real, but will just be an illusionary change in the mind, where a suppression effect
of the fear inevitably happens which
will have devastating consequences.
So let’s get real about changing to what’s best for all by
first realising how we have always existed within and as fear of survival, as
this whole world is based on currently. We cant hide from ourselves no matter what we do, and from
cutting hair to being chased by a hippo, fear comes up in all kinds of
situations to varying degrees, but the question is – can I admit this fear? If I
can’t in self-honesty see what I allow then I cannot possibly ever change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear admitting when I fear something, without realising that I am actually
charging this fear through not standing equal to it in complete self-acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
exist within and as fear in every decision I make, then believing that I can
protect “my life” with this fear when in fact I just enforce the separation of myself,
where I design “my life” as a slave to
misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realise that within fighting and resisting something, I will always make
the point stronger as I am not standing equal with the point in realization that
it is all by my own design.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
always try and deny fear, because of being consumed within and as thoughts to
present a certain “unshakeable” image to others of being a completely fearless person
which is always ego.
I forgive myself that I try and pretend that fear is not
existing in my life through distracting myself with points of energetic
entertainment, where I can try and hide away from what I allow, where I can be safe
and sound as a pre-programmed robotic zombie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
consider my starting point within not wanting to do something supportive for
myself is actually clear validation of the fear I’m existing as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
blame others for why I’m experiencing fear about something as a state of ego so
I can remove my responsibility for the reactions I’m having and instead put my
responsibility in the hands of something outside of myself.
I forgive myself for not realising that whatever I
experience within and as me, whatever I permit myself to be in any moment, is
always through my own allowance not due to anybody else’s fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
only care about fulfilling my self-interest for my time here on earth, trying
to focus on the “positive” on that which makes me feel good, which actually
allows for the “negative” as a fear of losing the “positive” to exist as
myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to see that within justifying fearing something I am saying that I am less than
the point I am allowing to cause fear within me, when in fact I am always equal
to whatever I stand as in every moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
value thoughts feelings and emotions in every situation where my fears show
themselves, instead of focusing on breathing where I can really do what’s best
for all, where I can clearly see that the fear coming up is not real, because
it is not consistent and stable like breath is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
avoid looking at where my fears came from, to look at how my fears operate, but
instead to just push my fears to the back of my mind in the hope they will just
go away by themselves which is completely impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to present an image to others as being fearless, in the hope that others
will like me more if I can get them to buy the product of me as a fearless person.
i forgive msyelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide the truth of myself from others, as the fear i exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try
and utilize fear to accumulate “friends” which is manipulation of myself and
others, which will ensure that any “friendship” created from this starting
point will guaranteed to be fake and abusive, as that is what it’s based on, so
it will only be a matter of time until my “fearless” fake face cracks and
reveals my fears to others.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that there is
varying degrees of fear that exist within and as me, there is massive reactions
of fear, and small reactions of fear,
where even a seemingly harmless statement of “not I’m not afraid of it, I
just don’t like it” is in fact revealing my fear about the point.
I forgive myself that I have not realised that my life would
be so much more enjoyable, as would everyone else’s around me, if I could take
on and let go of my fears, because this is the reward for consistent self-honesty,
it is where there is constant enjoyment of every physical movement here, every
breathe is fully appreciated as myself in complete awareness, there is nothing
that is to do with fear.
I’m not willing to exist in a state of denial to what I allow
myself to be, im not willing to turn a blind eye to the fear I have existed within
and as for majority of my life.
I commit myself to taking on all fears that I allow to exist
as myself, I commit myself to building a world with myself as the starting
point where fear does not exist in anyway, building a world where all is
considered equally.
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