Failed relationships

So this is something I have experienced a lot, as have many, many other people in the world. And with any failed relationship I find an extensive amount of self-judgement and self-doubt that comes immediately after the relationship fails.

So when i have been in relationships, i often just think that i could be with someone "better" as an idea that "the grass is always greener" in someway, always comparing my partner to others. Now this obviously is a big part of a relationship failing, because its almost like we purposely look for things to pick on, where we want to have a picture perfect partner, and when our partner does something which doenst fit the picture we usually start weighing up other potential partners. And its only when we get what we want as a new partner that we realise it was only a fantasy and how we experience ourselves is still the same regardless of the partner. This is fascinating though becuase no matter who we have a relationship with they will just be a human being, and they will not be able to change how we experience ourselves, thats up to us, thats our self-responsibility, its only in ours heads that a person can have more value - so basically if we cannot support ourselves and another equally in a relationship, if we cannot stop wishing and hoping for more, if we cannot stop abusing eachother mentally, physically or both, if we cannot stop supporting our programmed fears, then its best to not be in a relationship, because the same shit is only gona happen again.

And what i have found is that the more failed relationships that happen, then the more i experieince myself as a failure, where I find that depressive emotion of isolation comes up, a fear of not having a partner for the rest of my life. And then a point of self-loathing becomes more apparent, as i begin to believe this isolation existing as me is more than me, as well as a jealousy of those that have a relationship, and then a continual desire for an apparent “perfect relationship”.

So in my mind it’s always like I must attain this “perfect partner” that it is “out there somewhere” and if I keep searching, then eventually I will find this person that I have painted in my mind. When in fact this is just my brainwashing, it is complete self-deception, because there is no such thing as a perfect anything in a world where so much abuse is apparent in every human.

So what has become clear to me in my life is that the “perfect partner” does not actually physically exist in anyway, but only exists in our minds according to our programming and thus is not real. I mean media pumps everybody full of this idea of “the one” from the day we are born, so obviously we want to believe that the “right one” is just waiting for us somewhere. 

But why do we want a “perfect relationship” in a world of so much imperfection? What I have learnt within myself is that of wanting a relationship to hide away from the abuse existing in this reality, something to distract me from the shit here, believing this abuse is something I can hide from, that it is separate from me, and thus is not my responsibility.  

It’s interesting because every failed relationship that I have had in my life, I have always found a way to try and justify what happened in my mind, placing myself in the position of “right” and the ex-partner in the position of “wrong”.  

So whenever anyone asks me how the relationship ended, my physical body becomes a bit more rigid, and I immediately shift into this personality of trying to paint a picture of me being the “innocent victim” and the ex as being the “nasty predator”. It’s always this attack-defence mechanism that engages during a turbulent relationship partciularly towards the end. Justifying and believing that the other person was the one that needed to change, but that I was doing nothing wrong, when in fact in every failed relationship I have had, I was at fault for a lot of the shit that happened within it, and obviously completely at fault for the shit that existed inside me during the relationship as in every moment. 

And then I find that I will attempt to use this idea of me being the “innocent victim” to induce some kind of sympathy from another, actually trying to use this idea of how “badly I was treated” as a means to try and attract a new partner so I can have consistent sex.   

This is an extensive topic, and one that requires attention from everybody, so we can create a world where abusive relationships will eventually cease to exist one by one. Because what I have learnt in my time walking a process of self-realization, self-correction and self-perfection, is that to want something "perfect" outside of myself, something perfect in another is self-deception, because real perfection always starts with self walking the perfection in every moment of breathe, here, physically lived, as a consistent self-movement. Thats existing in Equality. But wanting to go into a relationship to ask for perfection from another, to charge my ego, to fuel mine and my partners programming; hiding away from reality is completely unacceptable dishonesty.

So in order for a system relationship to become an agreement of support, to my understanding there must be no hiding, it takes dedication from both participants, complete understanding that this world must change for the best of all, and thus we must support each other to change, to become as effective humans as possible, where the relationship actually becomes a walked example of what is best for all.

Forcing each other to change is completely different from supporting each other to change to whats best for all; this is something i have learnt, i mean forcing someone to do something is in most cases actually abusing someone, so if there is no mutual agreement in the starting point of the relationship, if theres uncertainty, secrets, hidden agendas, manipulations, then inevitably the relationship will become abusive because it began in abuse, so its best to stop.

There is just so many thoughts, feelings and emotions that stop people from being able to focus on the physical, which is all that matters in fact, its the matter we are made up of, so from my limited perspective a supportive relationship must be completely focused on physical support of each other to live in the physical, where no programmed mind shit is supported in eachother. 

But this will be a long road for all humans to understand, because we are currently so brainwashed with ideas of “love” that we believe that thoughts, feelings and emotions are what make a relationship “strong”, when in fact it makes the relationship weaker and weaker because it is based in imagination rather than tangible fact. I mean anybody can test this for themselves, because I know for a fact that every relationship I have ever had that failed, was purely because of feeding into and existing as thoughts, feelings and emotions. Just sucking energy with no regard to the damage I was doing, giving a fuck of the consequence, and once the energy ran out, then jumping onto the next person to sink my teeth into. Fucked up.

I am not willing to allow these abusive dishonesties to exist as myself as this world. I commit myself to ending all self-judgements, self-doubts, depression, self-loathing, fears, desires and all reactions of the mind in relation to failed relationships, which is best for all.
I will not accept these limitations as myself to be allowed to dictate my future accroding to separation. I direct me.   

So whether you are in a relationship now or not, if there is no dedication to commit to walking of what’s best for all within and as ourselves, then we should not be in, or even consider a relationship with someone, because no matter how “perfect” the relationship seems it will surely end in disaster, because the starting point was a disaster.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire a "better" partner whenever i am in a relationship, always comparing to others, instead of realising that a "better" partner is just in my mind, and that within saying my partner must be "better" im saying that all the problems in the relationship is the other persons fault, when many of the problems originate with me here.

I forgive myself that i have not realised within every relationship, that is doest not matter if im in a relationship or not, i am directly responsible for how i experience myself, and that looking for a new partner is not going to change me, that is always my own responsibility.
 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself extensively as “bad” because of having experienced many failed relationships in the past. Without realising that self-judgment of myself as “bad” is simply a pre-designed idea of myself which is not real and makes change that’s best for all impossible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself extensively because of having experienced many failed relationships in the past. Without realising that by allowing myself to doubt myself about being able to have an effective relationship only opens the door to experience this doubt in relation to many things in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can’t do anything about this judgment and doubt of myself, where I place myself as less than what I’m experiencing when in fact I’m always equal to what I experience, and within believing I am less than what I experience, it makes change that’s best for all actually impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience depression and isolation in relation to not having a relationship. Then believing this experience is not my fault but is the fault of others which is self-deception.

I forgive myself for not realising that whatever experience within and as me is a direct result of I accept and allow to exist, and thus is never anybody else’s fault. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am at fault if I experience depression and isolation as if I am “wrong” in some way, when all it is really revealing is my brainwashing which is not “right” or “wrong” it is simply what I am experiencing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a partner for the rest of my life, believing I am alone without a partner, instead of realising that whether I do or don’t have a partner I am still me, that will not change, nothing will change, and what is implied within the word alone explains it all – All One.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am diminished and have less worth in some way purely because of not having a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loath myself for having many failed relationships in the past, and for not having an effective one now. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealousy when I see couples which I perceive to be happy which I allow to charge my experience of depression and isolation within and as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the hereafter as a programmed state of ego as the mind, through allowing myself to desire the “perfect partner”.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by existing within and as the hereafter as a hope to have a relationship, I am completely separating myself from physical reality which is who I really am, which can be proven in every here breathe. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that there is no such thing as a “perfect partner” that is simply an idea in my mind of what I believe to be perfect which varies from person to person according to programming and thus is not real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a potential partner to be “perfect for me” in self-interest. Asking for perfection without living perfection as myself which is hypocritical dishonesty and thus not acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a personality of the “innocent victim” whenever I explain past relationships to potential partners, trying to manipulate others into feeling sorry for me so I can have a relationship with them to get the sexual energy I desire, when in fact I know that every relationship I have had that has failed has been equally through my design as well as the other persons. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can hide away from reality through having a relationship, that I will have more fun in my life, without realising that it is not possible to hide away from what is here, because what is here is equal to me, and that real fun and enjoyment of self has nothing to do with anything or anyone, it is always walked here in complete awareness where no dependency on something else to make me feel better is necessary or possible. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid taking self-responsibility through feeding into self-interest of having a relationship just so I can experience a “happy” energy which in reality Is not an actual lived happiness, thus is not real happiness, and thus as all energy does it will only dissipate after a certain amount of time.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by searching for happiness outside of myself, I am saying I cannot be happy without getting feedback from someone else, which only feeds into polarity as the mind and make sure that when I find “happiness” as energy in another, that I will experience immensely heavy depression when I lose “my happiness” when the relationship fails because it was never real.   

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “the one” is out there waiting for me, and that is my responsibility to find this “one” which is just a love system pre-program I learnt growing up, believing one person has more value than anyone else, and after all there is only one being in existence that I am responsible for which is myself as all of existence. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by believing there is a “special person” out there, I am just putting an imaginary person on a pedestal, which is inequality, and I am making sure that I enslave myself to the first person that comes along who matches my idea of a perfect partner which is complete bullshit because then I’m saying that I am incomplete as I am now, and that I require someone else to complete me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in the past to try and force partners to see things my way only believing I am helping them, but really I am just abusing and manipulating, trying to make the person need me to change where I become there god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the past that thoughts, feelings and emotions make my relationship stronger when in fact these things through my allowance are directly responsible for how and why every relationship I have had has failed.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that it is only within two people equally agreeing to support each other physically in daily living, agreeing to support each other to change to what’s best for all, and not supporting each other’s programming, as thoughts, feelings and emotions - that  is what makes a relationship strong. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump from person to person just focusing on draining the energy I want until I get bored through “not feeling it anymore” then disregarding the person and moving onto the next person as a literal demonic energy vampire. 

I forgive myself that I have not realised that by having a fucked up staring point in a relationship feeding into thoughts feelings and emotions I simply diminish myself further and further into and as the pre-programmed mind I exist as where I only ensure that the relationship will have a fucked up ending.

I understand and realised that all failed relationships in the past is only a reflection of the failure of myself at the time in understanding how I as this reality operate in fact. That I am always completely responsible for myself.

I realise and accept that all reactions of the mind in relation to failed past relationships such as judgment, depression etc, is nothing but an unnecessary limiting experience I allow as myself which must be stopped immediately as myself, so when I have any reaction like this in any moment, I stop, I flag myself, I breathe and focus on breath until here no further.   

I realise that to try and manipulate others in anyway to want to be in a relationship with me is completely unacceptable, and only  make sure that the end of any new relationship from this starting point will be very fucked up, because my starting point within the relationship is so fucked up.

I realise that until I free myself from my limitations in relation to relationships and sex that it is best I do not enter into a relationship with a female because the result will only be abusive.

I am not willing to accept this fuck up of myself in relation to failed relationships. I commit myself to re-aligning my starting point living what is best for all in every moment.

I commit myself to walking the change as myself that I want to see in the world,which is always best for all.