Talking, communication the cornerstones of making effective relationships with any being in existence, the building blocks of reality - now unless you can psychically speak to someone without using words, like Professor Xavier or something, then we must always be comfortable communicating with people wherever we find ourselves.Do you notice the moments where something is blocking your communication? Because I have noticed something which limits me from always being comfortable speaking to some people in certain situations.
Some people who know me would say what are you taking about Marley? Your really confident and open speaking, which in comparison to some others maybe I am - but there is always room for improvement, and any lingering part of any pattern will still only hinder me and thus must be further investigated until it is stopped.
I noticed a few situations recently where I entered into a room with a group of people communicating, yet I did not enter in the group conversation but instead went and sat in the corner on my own.
Now yes I did have emails, texts and phone calls to make and I was mainly interested in just eating food, however these were all excuses in my mind after the fact.
In reality though while I was doing these things and the conversation of the group near me was getting louder and more vibrant I was thinking "shut up stop talking, why are you such talkers? I'm not a big talker, I do actions".
I proceeded to leave the room with nothing less then a few nods in some colleagues direction, then afterwards later in the evening I started thinking about how often I have had these situations occur in my life?
Then I noticed this concept of defining myself as this person who is not a big talker, as if that is something good, something to be proud of and I can see this separation of myself from physical reality where the idea of speaking comfortably in all situations and speaking often is a bad thing.
This Idea of myself as his tough silent dude, the silent ninja, who only speaks when "he has important things to say". This "i do actions" point, this ego, causes me to speak for myself very often so to speak instead of speaking for the group.
Funny when I say Charles Xavier earlier too, because it is this point f psychics which fucks me as well within and as this "im not a big talker" character. Because I can read the physical feedback of my body a lot, I am also able to genuinely read the physical of other people reasonably well also. Now anybody can earn this, but again I see how this feeds into me no speaking sometimes and expecting the others person t read y physical, be psychic like Xavier and stop talking actual words - reading the physical is cool but reacting to and using this point as a justification to not speak is complete separation.Memories of my Grandfather always teaching me growing up that secrecy is very important within information some people would call strange, this was a bg starting pint for me in my life of the creation of this "im not a big talker" character.
I can see that this is all also why I prefer to write much more then speaking on camera or in front of people, this idea that I am not a big talker - why is there a preference either way? I should be completely comfortable with both at all times.
I see when some area of ignorance occurs in a group conversation or a fear that ignorance will overtake the situation so I shouldn't even bother to enter it - there is this I wont say anything unless I have "something meaningful to say" point within me connected to all this.
Why do I fear that conversation with a group of people I don't know well will descend into ignorance and so sometimes I should not try? Why do I fear they will judge me as weird if I say something they might deem strange? Why do I only feel comfortable speaking in a group when I know everyone really well, but with people I know not so much I still feel this lack of communication which overcomes me. But then I started considering, how can one get to meaningful conversation with anyone if you are not comfortable enough to stand equal to a conversation and then maybe plant some seeds into the conversation?
Funny how when I have know someone for years, or when someone says something most people would call weird then I want to communicate with this person, or if I know someone has money, or is sexually attractive to me, interesting how then I want to and enjoy communicating with this person/persons.
What does it mean when we just go to actions without utilising effective communication with others? Well relationships will be difficult t mature in many situations, because of this a starting point of separation as self-interest within building relationships, and anything we do will be limited through trying to do to much by ourself as the ego instead of through the group - everything is done much better with two instead of one, so this must become who I am in every moment, where I grow like a tree regardless of where I am, as life here.
Yes speaking without consideration of what one is saying is an ignorant point which many humans fall int, just speaking the first thoughts that come into our heads automatically.
Yet judging people fr this, fearing judgement from new people in conversations, avoiding conversation with new people who speak a lot, this conversational isolation, this defining myself as this silent assassin character, abusing my knowledge of reading the physical, only speaking when it "has meaning" or when I can get something - more strange knowledge, money or sex. It is all limitations that I must walk out -
Join me next time as I continue this point.
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