Day 252: Regrets of the fighter that never was

Fighting, for so long since my childhood as I grew into and as this mind consciousness system what I have known is fighting. Fighting within the family, fighting others, fighting myself, fighting society, creating situations and consequences of conflict.

This is what we are geared to understand growing up - how to fight. It is the basis of what capitalism is, because this is a pyramid designed energy based system, where the strongest survive, and any friction between two points creates the largest amounts of energy to maintain this system as ourselves.

I played a lot of computer games that were all about fighting, and my favourite cartoons and films all had fighting going on within them.

I have had training partners since a young age tell me I should have been a professional fighter and while I have had many fights in the gym and in my life in general, I have always had a resistance to being a professional fighter, self-doubts, and fears - What if I'm not good enough to be the best?  And what long term damage could I do to someone? It's like being scared of what I could do to someone in a fight, how one confrontation with me could change their future so much, and vice versa when I eventually meet an opponent that will best me in the fight in every way.

I have never had an issue with standing up and defending myself when conflict is brought to me or my family or friends. But when you do engage in unarmed combat, there is always the potential for someone to be severely hurt or worse.

Martial arts is about honour and respect, but fighting no matter how you good you are at it, is the part you don't want to have to resort to - "I don't like fighting", that is what all the best professional fighters say, the ones that are caring people because they are more in touch the the martial arts then the fighting part - because it is the fighting part where you or your opponent could be very badly hurt, which can scar peoples lives for the duration of their time in this life.

With regards to combat you can say that the stable martial artists who lives whats best for all are like Jedi in Star Wars with regards to only ever acting in defence of something pure.

Where as Sith are like the ego of the fighter, the being that has no morals and will look to use their skills to dominate others, to create fights in every moment possible - it is the polarity of these two points, these two characters that go back and forth in all martial artists minds - do I feed into this darkness, this desire for dominance and combat? Or should I stick to the defence of that which is of worth fighting for in this world?

Many martial artists and fighters when they see how effective they are at utilising the techniques in real life situations will often immediately look to start a pro career. I fall into the other category, those of us who felt we have caused enough physical pain to people in real life fight situations, those of us who do not want to hurt anyone unless we are forced to do so, getting paid to feed into the fighting elements of martial arts such as with MMA for instance are thoughts I purposely suppressed in younger years.

Martial arts is about living a life of improvement, a life of alignment, a life of humility and service to life - the fighting part like in the world of MMA is about feeding into your self-interest, your Sith like prize fighter ego.

So I have learnt a lot about MMA in my life, because within training with professional fighters consistently at various points I have seen all the dangers that can occur in the world of professional fighting.

Amazing that as my body gets older, slower, not as effective as it was, my mind has been having these thoughts recently pretty consistently about competing professionally - I reacted to a training partners words recently but in a different way to how I did as a kid, as a kid I would try to always disagree with adults who said I should be a professional fighter and suppress thoughts about doing it.

I felt that my criminal activities in younger years would get worse if I was fighting people professionally as well, it was a fear that I would lose control in that Sith mindset and I was scared of how many people I could hurt.

But in my older years now I am a more stable being, so its like my ego wants to hold onto being a professional fighter, as a result of suppressing the thoughts and not releasing them effectively for years. Being a  professional fighter is not suggested for anybody to start doing at the age of 30, and the way the sport of MMA is structured currently means you have to be fighting professionally for at least 2/3 years to be able to make enough money to do it as a full time profession.

I know fighters right now, some who are my friends, we sometimes train together, yet some will be struggling to pay the bills and I often will be making more money then many of them, from the self-employed/freelance and company work I have done in my life.

So how will these consistent thoughts to fight assist me? They will not, I have to accept it, my ego must accept that I missed the best years of my athleticism to become a professional fighter, my contribution to martial arts and this world is and can be done in many other ways.

Join me next time as I continue to discuss these regrets and walk the necessary corrections in my journey to life.