Day 251: Self-isolation and the endless conspiracy of thought

Isolating myself, something I am so familiar with, it is like a "safe place" in my mind where I am in control of everything, where I am alone with only the solitude of my thoughts, why do these thoughts endlessly come up?

Its amazing that when i push and do not angage with these self-isolating thoughts that I am very effective working with others in group situations. When I am here stable as breathe, I am aware of what's going on around me and I stand as a conduit for common sense and beneficial change.

But why is it so easy to just exist as these pre-programmed thought patterns and nothing else? Why do I feel incapable of being honest with myself so often? I see that within this self-isolation is the thoughts in my head which are the endless conspiracy of my life.

People know my name in connection with conspiracies, and what are conspiracies without self-responsibility? Nothing but endless knowledge and information spewing out in an eternal cycle. Sure a lot of the conspiracies I talk about do happen, It is not a joke and its amazing how that one point of it not being a joke has had such a profound effect on me.

When I am on my own, my sadness becomes me, and I have for a long time been in love with the self-imprisonment of isolating myself with in and as this sadness, defining myself according to it within groups you could say, a sad story where death never seems to be far away.

A breath away and we die, that's it - you are born alone and you die alone. Amazing how I have allowed that one truth to cause havoc in my mind, to so often just go through the motions awaiting the next death to mourn.

Its like when i trap myself within and as these thoughts, I cannot sleep at normal times,every night sleeping before 3am is a serious difficulty.

Its almost like I am unable to wear any clothing colour then black, my car is black, the bird that visits me the most often is black, my dog is black, it serves as reminder to me that death is an endless reality everyday for so many and our final day is always certain, often unknown, but always certain to occur, I don't give a fuck who you are and what you claim your special ability is - You will die.

This causes an apathetic outlook within me when I see that people don't realise that death is all around us, it permeates everyone's lives, why do so many people still not give a fuck about the fact that we live in a world where the most innocent seem to die most often?

I see as this self-isolation, how its so easy to just get high, drink beer, listen to "deep music" and look into all the endless conspiracies that get sent my way, some true and some not. Its amazing how the intelligence agencies around the world majority of the time they don't know themselves what is real and what is not, because of how much disinformation is mixed in with real information from department to department in one agency! Like a compartmentalised fragmented mind, trying to hide things from one another, a mind that doesn't know what one part knows from another - cells in friction.

I  have realised that I am fucked and to fix myself is always the most difficult thing to do - its so easy to direct someone else to improve - I can do that in my martial arts gym, I can do that online with some "profound statement", I can do that at work, with friends and family - but always directing myself here in self-honesty is the hardest thing.

To really be honest with myself about what I'm actually allowing myself to live as, is this really worth this time? Or is this really just all a waste of time?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Isolate myself within the familiar comforts of my own thoughts, the patterns that have followed me, as me for so long in many cases. I realise that for everyday I hold onto these thought patterns is another day I have to walk to extend my process unnecessarily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and define isolation of myself as my "safe place" which I realise is just my ego trying to hide my power from myself, so that I stick to the familiar pattern of fearing interaction within the group.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every here breathe, that the reason why this self-isolation seems so comfortable, is because it requires no direction of myself, no effort, it just runs on auto pilot because I'm brainwashed to do that by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consistent interaction in group settings, where my interaction is limited to spurts of dialogue with people, in between the weeks, months, years of inactivity as this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being recorded, to fear being photographed, to fear being watched by other people.

I forgive myself that I have not realised in every moment of breathe that when I keep myself here stable as this breathe, I apply common sense and I see how effective I am at directing myself and others around me to whats best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how effective I am when I consistently stable as breathe here, which is then where as the ego I will look for an excuse to get lost in my thoughts, usually accompanied by weed or alcohol or both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have more then a few months off weed or alcohol for years, using them as crutches for my fears and doorways to the conspiracy of my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and alcohol as consistent doorways for the conspiracy of my thoughts to continue in the solitude of my own space.

I forgive myself that I have defined myself as a "conspiracy guy" which again is where I justify isolating myself because of fearing when I meet someone new - do they know the shit I talk about online? When they find out that will fuck off, so best not to interact with them too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people finding out about some of the things i talk about, some of the things me and my family have been through and to then be scared to be around me, so I justify limiting my interaction with majority of people from day one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define real conspiracies as such a "serious matter" and when I see so many people not taking them seriously, then again it is a justification to feed into this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to justify isolating myself to avoid "complications" with people, yet I have realised that I cannot control what others think of me, or anything in this world, so these fears make no sense, locking myself in a room, limiting my interaction to work related matters, or looking after my mum, my dogs, random birds, sticking up for poor people, occasionally one or two friends - but rarely more then that, I mean shit, for someone who writes so much I hardly say more then two words in a day outside of work talk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy sadness for so long, to perceive many events in my life to be a sad story, to define myself as sadness or the darkness which is behind this sadness. which of course feeds into this pattern of the isolation of myself - because we all know that it is when we are on our own is when the deepest of our sadness comes forth, where there is no hiding from what we have allowed.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that while it is very cool to be comfortable with being on my own because it it allows one an opportunity to look directly at our self with no hiding, it is not cool to be uncomfortable with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and desire death equally when I am existing as this self-isolation cycle - always such a fucking poet warrior samurai ready for his death day at any moment. Yet how much time have I actually wasted thinking about death? Way too fucking much, I mean while we all have considerations about death from time to time, there should not be a pattern of almost meditating on death, because this is only detrimental to me and everyone around me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed the truth that we are born alone and die alone as a justification to isolate myself from other people.

I forgive myself that as this self-isolation, I am always waiting for the next death to mourn, which considering how many people die everyday keeps me in a constant state of mourning, where I'm always one thought, one sad song away from crying silently to myself.

What am I doing while mourning these people? I am not moving, I am isolating myself away from reality here, wanting to join the greatest of us that always seem to die before everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be constantly confused and depressed about the fact that I have been in many dangerous situations in in my life and I am still alive - how am I still alive? That's what my backchat is always saying in my self-isolation - It is not fair that someone like me can be alive while a child, an animal or a plant can die of starvation or some random abuse at 1 years old  or less for the most pointless and painfully short life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally find discomfort in wearing clothes that are not black.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to have my sunglasses on, because it helps me to isolate myself from others - nobody can see my eyes, nobody can connect with my eyes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consistently have a "naked experience" like I feel naked when I don't have black clothes on or sunglasses - when in reality when I just stick to breathing I see that this naked experience is not real at all just separation that I don't need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the reality of working on my own on certain projects as again a reason why spending the most time just with myself is "always better" - yet in reality even when I working on my own, it is always in the moments where I work with another that the project gets completed more effectively - amazing how the ego always thinks it does better on its own then with other people, when that couldn't be further from the truth. 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my life as a sad story, when in reality no matter how fucked up ones life is, or has been, in reality things are never as bad as my mind will try to tell me, I have my basics, and many luxuries also - the realisation that so many in this world do not have what I have is always a reality here showing me that my mind is fucking with me and I should not participate with the pre-programmed elements of my mind like this self-isolation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong my own journey to life here, through continually interacting with my own thoughts in my own space, where the endless conspiracy of my thought patterns become me so easily.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question what these thoughts really are, why are they really occurring, why does it feel so enjoyable to be by myself and limit my interactions with people?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fucked beyond repair, that I will breakdown and die as the dysfunctional machine that I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realised that I am not as fucked beyond repair as I think, because the fact that it is a thought tells me that it is bullshit, because in reality as long as one has money in this world along with dedication then one always has the potential to change for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus more on "helping others" to change for the better, yet in reality - how can I actually show effective direction to a person in anything, if I am not accustomed to and experienced in directing anything in my own life? Not possible.

I commit myself to not allowing this self-isolation and everything that goes with it to continue to dominate my life - I am under no illusions this will be difficult to change, but only I can change this and because I have the tools and the comfort of money, I have no excuses to not get this done - so as and when I see my mind slipping into excuses to not interact with others, I stop and breathe, where I check myself and can use common sense about moments where I must push to interact. I continue to focus on this breathe not participating with these endless thoughts until they do not come up anymore.

I commit myself to finding a way no matter how many times I fall flat on my face, I will not allow this shit to limit and destroy my life anymore then it already has. I commit myself to living the realisation that I am only ever as isolated as I am allowing myself to be in any situation, it is never anybody else's fault why I am not interacting, and when I push myself, I am always effective at working in groups, so I must become accustomed to doing this consistently instead of these limited spurts I have been allowing.

I commit myself to living the realisation that If I am existing as a limited machine currently, then I am not really living life, meaning these patterns will have to die in order for me to be able to live life to the fullest of my potential here - hence my journey to life, not a journey I'm chasing over there somewhere, because I have been chasing, existing over there, and everywhere but consistently here.